[HazelGirl]

Why do I have all these feelings coming up RIGHT NOW??? It seems to come in waves. Sometimes, I find therapy to be easy, like talking to a mentor. And then sometimes things are like right now, where I have all these emotions and feelings and ugh. I feel angry at my T, for such a stupid reason, and I feel like I need her, which makes me feel very afraid. And yet I also want her to get rid of me so I don't have to deal with her anymore (or so she doesn't have to deal with me?). I know I am being difficult and annoying. Even if she doesn't admit it. I don't know how she puts up with me. I feel so much like I want to run away from her, and yet she is consistently compassionate and caring, and reliable. And I hate it. I don't know why

She goes out of her way time and time again, and I don't deserve her. She gives me things, such as some melatonin (sold over the counter in the USA) that she found was too strong for her because I was having trouble sleeping. I don't deserve for her to think about me and do something like that for me. She is also giving me free appointments for May and June, which comes to $760 that she isn't making because of me. I don't deserve any of it. And it makes me feel so scared and angry and upset and overwhelmed. I can't handle it. And even though she is so kind and attuned and all these things, I am still really angry and hurt over the stupidest things. I don't want to feel all this stuff

I know that I need to send her a text and tell her all this. But I can't. I have already sent her too many texts this week, and I am sure she is tired of hearing from me. I don't know why she insists I'm not annoying. I know I am. This is all just confusing right now.

[RTerroni]

Sorry all of this is happening to you, hopefully things will get better, life always seems to have some slumps that you always get out of.

[Leah123]

None of your experiences are as intense for anyone as they are for you. What feels unbearable inside your skin is only echoed in your words. So, it's truly easier for your therapist to be there for you, care about you, and not be irritated by you than you might realize.

The truth is: it's hardest for you to be you.

Still, everything you're going through is par for the course in this type of therapy, you're making sense, and it should get easier.

I hope you will try and have some compassion for yourself.

You're doing good work, I think you're being wise to accept her gift, and perhaps you need a bit of time to mentally or physically list what makes you powerful. Don't forget that you are worthwhile and doing well at some things, even if feeling volatile. Don't forget that you're more than your feelings and things will be okay.

[blur]

hazel, it's okay to receive. it really is. you don't have to earn it all.

[HazelGirl]

I just don't know what to say. I need to say something before our appointment because it's not until Monday and that's a long time from now.

How about doing some journalling about it, or write her a letter that you can share with her on Monday? Sometimes we just need to let the feelings be what they are and give them the time and space to just exist for a bit. They have a tendency to normalize a bit so we can look at things with wider perspective.

Sometimes that panic of "I can't stand this! I have to do something about this! I have to stop this!" feeds on itself, when if we can just say "I'm feeling this. I may not like it, but it is just emotion. It won't kill me. I can accept that I may feel like this for awhile but it is bound to calm a bit on its own given some time to just be", we find in a few hours or so, we start to calm internally somewhat.

You are a bit in "fight" mode right now as a fear reaction. Rather than "fight" (doing something, anything, to get away from the feelings), can you just let it be what it is for a bit and see what happens?

[HazelGirl]

I have spent so much of the past day crying over it. I know I just need to be sad. But I can't handle that emotion very well. I don't do "sad". I am strong, not someone who let's things get to them. But my defenses get broken down by my T and I don't always know how to handle the feelings that come out. I did write her a letter-type thing. I am debating whether to hold onto it and give it to her on Monday or just send it tonight.

[HazelGirl]

Well, I sent it. And because I hate myself, I sent it relatively late at night. So I won't get a response until either later tonight once I'm asleep, or tomorrow sometime.

[HazelGirl]

She responded extremely quickly. And was her normal kind self, which is both what I expected and what I was afraid wouldn't appear because I was being so unreasonable.

[Freewilled]

Hazelgirl - I could have written your post, just about word.for.word The fear of being authentic in therapy about the angry feelings. The wanting T to just end it (but not really, but maybe, but no...) just to STOP the freight train staring me down every session. Having T stay consistently supportive and compassionate, but feeling that deep down T is really not so thrilled to be meeting with me. That he finds me incredibly annoying and might just wish I'd give up already Then getting mad at T for being so damn supportive. And not wanting to feel all the feelings because they are so much and then feeling silly cause why can other people just feel them and move on? Ugh.

I find this stuff really difficult to process and sometimes, I feel really alone in the feelings. Like no one else ever gets like this and I'm the only one to ever experience them because there's something wrong with me. I appreciate your sharing it and just wanted to let you know you're not alone

[someone321]

Do you feel better after her response? I'm glad that eventually you have sent it because otherwise you would suffer and think about it till Monday... I hope that her response helped you... I completely relate to your first posts, I hate sending mails to my T because I'm afraid that I'd annoy her and I also think that I should get over it because I should be strong...

[sweepy62]

I understand you, I am sorry you are feeling this way, lately I been needing lots of reasurrance, and she has noticed it and told me its a pattern, but understands why I need all this reasurrance, i dont call her but in session, i ask her the same things every time, she tells me im not bothering her, she is not leaving or kicking me out, Im just scared I guess because of all this niceness.
im not yet attached. I know how you feel, its so difficult, but she wouldnt be offering all these things to you, if she was not WILLING AND WANTING to do so, its genuine hazelgirl. She cares about you, you would be giving me the same advice right now, you always help me out in such situations, think about it.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Hazelgirl - I could have written your post, just about word.for.word The fear of being authentic in therapy about the angry feelings. The wanting T to just end it (but not really, but maybe, but no...) just to STOP the freight train staring me down every session. Having T stay consistently supportive and compassionate, but feeling that deep down T is really not so thrilled to be meeting with me. That he finds me incredibly annoying and might just wish I'd give up already Then getting mad at T for being so damn supportive. And not wanting to feel all the feelings because they are so much and then feeling silly cause why can other people just feel them and move on? Ugh.

I find this stuff really difficult to process and sometimes, I feel really alone in the feelings. Like no one else ever gets like this and I'm the only one to ever experience them because there's something wrong with me. I appreciate your sharing it and just wanted to let you know you're not alone

Thank you. It does feel very isolating and confusing. I feel like a swirling storm is going on inside of me and I can't find my way out sometimes. In this case, it was a specific situation that was causing a majority of the feelings, and working on resolving that seems to have helped a lot. But sometimes, like you said, it's just because she is kind. And then I feel terrible for being angry at her for it.

Originally Posted by someone321

Do you feel better after her response? I'm glad that eventually you have sent it because otherwise you would suffer and think about it till Monday... I hope that her response helped you... I completely relate to your first posts, I hate sending mails to my T because I'm afraid that I'd annoy her and I also think that I should get over it because I should be strong...

Yes, it helped a lot. The thing causing most of this was what I wrote about on Thursday (maybe Friday depending on where you are in the world) talking about how she ignored one of my texts. I brought it up, even though I was anxious about it, and she apologized and explained that she was distracted at the time. She had a lot to consider and instead of being able to take the time to think about it and respond thoughtfully, she chose to wait and had planned on mentioning it at a later time. But once I explained how upset it made me feel to not have a response, she let me know about the different things she was considering.

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I understand you, I am sorry you are feeling this way, lately I been needing lots of reasurrance, and she has noticed it and told me its a pattern, but understands why I need all this reasurrance, i dont call her but in session, i ask her the same things every time, she tells me im not bothering her, she is not leaving or kicking me out, Im just scared I guess because of all this niceness.
im not yet attached. I know how you feel, its so difficult, but she wouldnt be offering all these things to you, if she was not WILLING AND WANTING to do so, its genuine hazelgirl. She cares about you, you would be giving me the same advice right now, you always help me out in such situations, think about it.

I know. I'm such a hypocrite. But I normally give advice by putting myself in the shoes of the person I'm talking to and trying to figure out what would benefit me the most. But yeah, I'm definitely a hypocrite when it comes to a lot of the advice I give