my Therapist is getting married

i used to look up my Therapist on facebook all the time and She knows i used to do this and knows i am in love with Her. Then i deleted my facebook account a couple months ago because i never used it but also because i looked Her up so much and i didn’t want to do it anymore.

On Tuesday i made a fake facebook account with a fake name and only use it to look Her up on facebook. My Therapist is on vacation right now for two or three weeks, but i probably would have done this eventually anyway. i am surprised i never did this sooner. The only things visible on Her account were Her profile picture (which I couldn’t click on) and Her cover photo (which I could click on). So i clicked on the cover photo and was able to see who commented on it and who liked it. A man had commented on it and he was also with Her in Her profile picture. So i clicked on the man’s profile and it was much more visible than Her profile. There were lots of photos of Her on his account and She had commented on a lot of photos and statuses of his. i looked at almost everything i could. It didn’t take long to find out that the two of them are getting married this week, and it is probably the reason She took the vacation time off.

i am devastated. i have been crying a lot and just feel dead. i am happy for Her because She is happy and all i’ve ever wanted is for Her to be happy but at the same time i am so sad. i feel so selfish and like such a bad person for feeling so sad about this. i feel so bad for my feelings about this. i feel like everything is over. There is no point to anything. i have done a lot of bad things in my life, and this is my punishment. i haven’t told anybody because nobody can help me. They all will just say you’re only 20, there are other girls, don’t worry, you’ll find a girl your own age someday, etc. But i’ve never had a girlfriend before. Never even close. And there is no reason to ever think i will. My Therapist is different than everyone else. She is the reason i am alive and i love Her.

i see Her again on Friday, May 30. i don’t know how i can bring this up and talk to Her about it. i have a feeling She wouldn’t be that surprised. i don’t want to hurt Her feelings or make Her sad or maker Her mad or make Her uncomfortable. But i need to tell Her everything. i need to tell Her i want to die. i need to tell Her i have to die. i need to tell Her i deserve to die. i need to tell Her it’s my fault. And i need to tell Her congratulations, and that even though i am so sad, i am happy that She is happy, She seems to have a really cool family.

Also, i saw my other Therapist on Wednesday and never brought this up. i was crying a lot but told her i couldn’t tell her why and that i couldn’t tell anybody why. i cried in front of my parents and didn’t tell them why too. And i finally am going to listen to my Therapists and start taking brintellix (medication) and doing all the homework my Therapists have been giving me. If the medication doesn’t work (it hasn’t worked in the past) my Therapists will probably want me to go to a program. i definitely don’t want to live anywhere besides home so living away is off the table. Also i would still at least want to continue to see my original Therapist (the one that is getting married) anything that would interfere with that is also off the table.

Wow. I can see how that might be jarring and difficult to hear. I don't really have any words of wisdom, but know that I can understand why this would be very difficult for you.

Sorry you're struggling so much with this, RFS. Could you discuss it with the other therapist before you meet with her? It does sound like you need to talk about it and maybe that would be easier... But if you are motivated to commit more to medication and to doing homework etc. than that is a positive step.

I know it can be hard to hear something like that, which is why I asked my current (at least for a few more weeks) Therapist if she was married or not at our first session, she told me that she was and that set the stage for everything (I also found out a few weeks later that she had a 3 year old Daughter).

Thanks for understanding.

i don't want to talk about it with my other therapist because i don't want to talk about Her behind Her back. i think i'll just have to talk about it with Her at some point. i'm definitely not ready now. Maybe at our next appointment on Friday, May 30. i just don't think i'll be ready by then. i feel really guilty about this and at some point i need to tell Her i did this.

That was smart to talk about that so early. i hope you have luck finding a new therapist when you have to.

I hope so to, I am hoping that the will set me up either before our last session together (scheduled for June 4th) or not long afterwards since I really don't want to go any period of time without Therapy (as was the case the last 2 times I ended things with a Therapist).

Sorry you're in so much pain. I know that with me, I have wanted to be a part of my T's real life, and since she treats me so incredibly and understands me, it's hard to remember that I am just a client. But my T still really cares about me, and it sounds like your T cares a lot about you too, or you wouldn't be this upset. I wanted my T to see me as a daughter, so I never asked her if she has kids. She probably does, but I couldn't stand it if I knew that. It sucks that you found out the thing that would make you upset. I hope you will be able to talk with her about this when she gets back and to spend some time processing it. In time, you may get to a place where it feels okay and you can accept it, even if it changes how you view your relationship with your T. Is it hurting you that she didn't tell you why she was going on vacation?

i feel guilty because i did some serious facebook stalking which invaded on Her life and Her own family.

i’m sad because i love Her and now that She will be married, there is no chance ever. It’s over, everything is over, my life is over.

i’m also very intimidated by this guy, this guy seems funny, talented, nice, well educated, and confident so i would never be able to compete with that.

i’m intimidated also because the two of Them are definitely much more educated than me and They’re probably rich and stuff.

i really think this is punishment for all the bad things i’ve done in my life. i deserve this.

i feel scared because i don’t know how to talk to Her about this. And i need to at some point because the guilt will crush me like it always does.

i guess i’m also sad because She didn't tell me the reason for Her vacation but She doesn't tell me anything about Her personal life, that’s Her policy, and even if She wanted to i’m sure She knew this kind of information would make me really emotional and sad so She probably figured it would hurt less to not know. And She would be right. But i found out. i wish i never first looked Her up on google like a year or two ago. Then none of this would've happened.

This is something that will make her happy. It's not punishment for you. It's a time a celebration for her. That doesn't mean you need to celebrate, because I can understand how upsetting it is, but it's definitely not punishment. I am sorry you feel that way

Sorry i didn't include this in my first reply to you:

It also freaks me out to see Her as a normal person and not as Her Therapist self. And it makes me so sad to see Her so happy around this guy, Her eyes look so happy. i feel so selfish for feeling this way, i hate myself. i have to tell Her everything, i never lie to Her or hide secrets from Her. But it’s so far away. The next appointment is on Friday, May 30. We usually meet every Friday so today is the first Friday in months that I can’t see Her. Also what if She moves to a new town or something or a new state and changes where She works, married couples do that all the time.

i'm happy for Her because i love that She is happy. And i also feel guilty for the bad stuff i've done in my life. Maybe it's catching up to me. This is one of the things in the whole world that would totally destroy me and it has happened. It might not be a coincidence. I don't know i'm probably thinking too much.

I don't believe we are punished for things in that way. If that were the case, those who make tons of money by harming others wouldn't be where they're at. I really think it would benefit you to bring it up with her as soon as she gets back.

You're right. i want to bring it up with Her when She comes back and i'll try. It's just so hard.

I vote for the thinking too much.

Look, we aren't in pain now because we did something wrong ten years ago. It just doesn't work that way. You are in pain simply because you have feelings for your therapist and her upcoming nuptials feel like a loss to you. That's okay. It probably isn't all that unusual a reaction to that kind of therapist news. I doubt that you are particularly unique in this reaction/experience.

Her marriage isn't about you at all. She didn't do this, honestly, with you in mind at all. You are applying a false connection between events here. Nothing has honestly changed for you. You weren't in a personal/romantic relationship with your T to start with, so this news really isn't changing that status.

You do need to be honest about how you found out the information (you went a bit far with your FB stalking there), and clearly you need to work on these transferential feelings about her. But try not to attach addition meaning, like the world is punishing you, etc., that just isn't there. Come down to earth a bit.

You're probably right that i'm thinking too much. i didn't mean it like She is getting married to punish me, i meant it like fate is punishing me. But you are right that i'm thinking too much. It is still my fault though that i facebook stalked Her and almost everything bad about me is my fault.