[Nicole2064]

So I rarely do forums, but I'm looking for help from people who have dealt with the same thing.

I've been seeing my current therapist for one year and a few months. For the past month or so, I've been having really bad transference issues. I feel like I love her. I know it's not love. I have a degree in social work, so I know all about transference. I had a session with her today and when we had 10 minutes left, she said "So is there anything you're not telling me?" She knows I don't open up easily with big things. For the entire week before, I had been planning on bringing up my transference issues. But when I had the chance today, I couldn't do it. I kept telling her it would mess things up and that things would be awkward and weird. I told her "I have feelings that aren't real". She asked what those feelings were, but I couldn't say. I kept apologizing for not being able to say what was going on, but she was mad at that point and kept saying "You're not sorry". When I left, neither one of us said goodbye. I did make a sarcastic comment when I was walking out and then threw a half-full water bottle at her window in the hallway.

As soon as I got home, I emailed her saying "I feel like I love you", "I know it's not real love", "Do you think this is easy to bring up?", etc. Now I'm just waiting for a response. I feel like a fool...like the biggest idiot there ever was. I told her in the email that I'll probably try to find new outpatient help (she also runs the weekly DBT group that I go to) because I can't show my face in front of her ever again. This was the most embarrassing thing I ever told anybody. Now I don't know what to do. What have other people done in this situation? What has/has not helped deal with it? Did your therapist still stick by your side or did he/she terminate the relationship? Any help would be appreciated.

[childofyen]

I'm sorry for how painful this is for you. I haven't been in this position before so I don't have any advice. But thank you for being strong enough to share this with us, and I hope someone here has experience that will help ease your pain.

[peaches100]

Well, i admitted in an email that i loved my t. And while she did not reply specifically to that portion of my email, her overall reply was very kind. I could not detect in her reply that my confession had bothered her at all.

I've also discussed my attachment with her many times, and she has never threatened to terminate or refer me.

As you know, transference is common, and many clients develop loving feelings toward their t's. Whether those feelings are "real"or "not," it seems important to discuss them because they "feel" real. Also, it is my belief that these loving feelings are partly transference, and partly a very natural, human response toward someone who has been kind toward you.

[2or3things]

I'm with Peaches. Your T has certainly heard it all before, and though I know it feels deeply embarassing, etc. to us, most Ts can see it for what it is and respond appropriately.

Her getting angry with you seems like a little cause for concern to me. But I also know what when we're feeling all self-conscious and embarassed, it's all that much more difficult to hear and see what's coming from our Ts accurately. Maybe check in with her about that next time?

And I know you think there can't be a next time, but there can...really. People have had to say far worse and have made it through. I bet you can too!

--2or3

PS: You threw a water bottle?!

[swimmergirl]

(((((Nicole))))))

Been there, done that. I understand. There actually was a worse time for me........when I admitted to my T that I had googled him. Absolutely mortifying.
I understand that it must be excrutiatingly hard to go back............to even face going back. First of all, congrats for telling her. Yes it is difficult, hard, embarrassing. But if you can face going back..........just think about it.............imagine how you will feel if she still accepts you, is there for you, doesn't think less of you? It is liberating. It opens up therapy to a whole other level. You took the ultimate risk by telling her, stick around to see if it will pay off.
I have had this happen now with two therapists. Neither one abandoned me. Both were warm, accepting, trying to help me make sense of it. What does it mean? I disagree when you say the feelings are not real. I understand that you cannot love someone you don't know, or cannot fully love someone when it is a one sided relationship..........meaning it is all about you, you get the best of them(most of the time), etc. But one of the best things my current T says to me is............first, do not ever apologize for your feelings and second, why do feelings have to make sense? Your feelings are real to you. You feel like you love her in whatever respect that means to you. Yes, they may represent some unmet needs in the past, usually from childhood, but that does NOT mean they are NOT real. The pain comes in because there are limits in therapy, but that is also where the safety comes in as well. Embrace your feelings. Enjoy them. Don't be scared of them. Find out what they mean. Therapy is a place for you to fix whatever issues brought you there in the first place, in the safety net of the therapeutic relationship.
If you T is worth her salt, she will not abandon you. She will stick by you. She will be proud that you told her. She has probably heard this before from others. It is common and very normal. One of the hardest things you may ever do is to go back and face her.........if you can't do it in group(if I got that right?) then do it in your individual session. But if you stop now, then you are doing what you are worried she will do...........terminate. And trust me, I know how tough it is. But face it and it will probably be a huge turning point, a new level of trust, another layer of the onion to peel off. You have support here. People can pocket ride if you want. I would be happy too. Be sure to let us know how it goes. And be proud that you told her.....many people just quit, never go back, and never tell their Ts. I am SO GLAD I told both of my T's. It is the best thing I ever did for my therapy.

[wintergirl]

I am currently struggling with this, too (I've been seeing T for about 9 months). I just don't want to make things more complicated and awkward between us, and I don't want him to terminate me!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Nicole2064

I have a degree in social work, so I know all about transference.

Ah, but it's nothing like the book learning, is it? Experience can be a really painful, tough teacher but when you make it through this you'll truly know something worth knowing!

I got through the "love" feelings, with logic, humor, and lots of work (being honest and discussing the topic with my therapist, like all other topics). You know "about" transference, how it's wishing your parents had been like that, etc. so use what you do know, your logic/book learning to "discount" the uncomfortable feelings, take them down a notch, like you would if you were really angry, count to 10 or whatever to help the heightened physical feelings reduce some so you could think/discuss the "problem" rationally?

So you feel like you love your therapist. So? It's not going to kill you or her. It feels embarrassing and scary (how does she feel about me? Will she be able to deal with these big feelings I have about her?). Remember too, you are the one with these feelings; your T is not feeling these big feelings, she would like to try to help you explore them. That they are "about" her (they're not really, you don't know her as herself very well) complicates things for you, but not for her!

You are not a freak! Everyone could/would feel these sorts of feelings in this situation. It's like being embarrassed when you cry because a loved one has died or you've lost something emotionally important to you; there's no reason for embarrassment, everyone/anyone might cry in those situations!

One thing that helps me is remember embarrassing dreams I've had about my T and how I dealt with them. I once dreamed I had my head in her lap and she was stroking my hair. I told her about the dream. Why was I able to do that? It was something separate from my own controlled thinking, it was a dream and part of my unconscious. I could sort of pretend that it was something I'd read or that was not part of me.

Use your curiosity to wonder what your T will say to you when she sees you next Think about it from her point of view; I bet she will be very careful, kind, and "helpful" in what she says (or might be a little worried in/of herself, having to be that way and try to reflect it back to you, get you to discuss it but, that too, is good as, in the end it is your situation/feelings you need to understand and deal with?).

This is a common scenario for Ts? I still remember how shocked I was when my T expressed the that that I wanted to come home and live with her I was not able to let myself even think/feel that and her matter-of-fact expression of that common therapy wish about one's T, how she was not anxious or embarrassed about stating it, helped me a great deal to calm myself down and do a little thinking about/realizing I had a lot of wishes I was not expressing but that they are just wishes; not magic in any way; they won't make or break me, won't come true on their own or hurt/damage the relationship or the other person.

Remember when you were a little girl and wished for a pony? You weren't embarrassed about that were you? Think about when you were a child and had all those passionate wishes? Why would they go away, just because you are physically older? I have a little trouble even thinking about the word "pony" ~ I think I should want a horse, because I'm an adult? LOL

What's wrong with feeling like you would rescue your T from terrorists when no one else could or that she would come to your side when you're in the hospital in a coma (from rescuing others :-) and be the only one who could "reach" you and bring out out of your coma? All of it is "information" about you and can be very helpful in your getting to know yourself and what sort of person you are (I'm obviously very imaginative and caring in that I have such fantasies :-)

A problem I had with really strong emotions such as it sounds like you're having about your T is that it feels, at the time, like it is going to last forever and you'll be stuck with an embarrassed, red face, staring at the floor forever. Alas, good feelings/bad feelings; none of them "stay" as our life keeps changing moment to moment. Feeling are like the weather, another "helpful" thing I learned, they change. It's not "controlling" the feelings that is important, just knowing how to live with and maybe modulate them a bit. That you feel such passions is a good thing! Your "range" of emotions is that big too! Surely you know people who don't seem to be very interesting or have much to them? That isn't you and me

[rainbow8]

Great post, Perna!

[Fuzzybear]

[Hope-Full]

Very helpful Perna... thanks for sharing!

[Nicole2064]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Well, i admitted in an email that i loved my t. And while she did not reply specifically to that portion of my email, her overall reply was very kind. I could not detect in her reply that my confession had bothered her at all.

I've also discussed my attachment with her many times, and she has never threatened to terminate or refer me.

Attachment is one thing. My therapist knows I'm attached to her. She's known since I started going to her group 2 years ago. She tells me she's just as attached to me as I am to her. But this "love" thing that I feel towards her...it's more frustrating than my attachment. The reply I got after I sent her the email was (and these are her exact words) "We have to deal with and figure out a way for you to be able to talk in session - regardless of what the issue is". She did say a bit more, but that sentence pretty much sums it up. She didn't mention anything about love or transference in her email. Part of me is glad she didn't, but another part (probably the BPD part?) is wondering why she didn't say anything.

I should also make it known that I do sometimes have a problem talking and saying what's going on/what I'm feeling/what I'm thinking. Her comment didn't come out of nowhere.

[Nicole2064]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

I'm with Peaches. Your T has certainly heard it all before, and though I know it feels deeply embarassing, etc. to us, most Ts can see it for what it is and respond appropriately.

Her getting angry with you seems like a little cause for concern to me. But I also know what when we're feeling all self-conscious and embarassed, it's all that much more difficult to hear and see what's coming from our Ts accurately. Maybe check in with her about that next time?

And I know you think there can't be a next time, but there can...really. People have had to say far worse and have made it through. I bet you can too!

--2or3

PS: You threw a water bottle?!

I know she's heard it all before. But that doesn't make it any easier for me to tell her, you know? She might be used to hearing it, but it's something I've never brought up.

One of us usually gets angry at the other one. But we're both Italian. We're both very stubborn. We argue (sometimes about non-serious things). If we didn't have some sort of argument every week, it wouldn't be "us". We once got into an argument when she tried to say that The Sandlot and Stand By Me are alike. Not even close!

And yes, I threw a water bottle. I figured it was better than punching her wall, injuring my hand, and having to pay for any potential damage.

[Nicole2064]

Thank you, Perna.

I guess it's not completely a bad thing that I told her. Everyone has transference issues. She and I have emailed a few times back and forth since my original email. I can't say the emails have gone well, but she's still keeping in contact, so I guess that's good. I have never been an anxious person. I've been super anxious, though, ever since I said "Hey Rose, I love you" (obviously not in those words, but you know what I mean). Now that my feelings towards her are out there...very out there...my head has not stopped spinning. I keep thinking "What is she going to think of me?", "Does she think I'm a freak now?", "Will she think I have sexual fantasies where she's involved?", or "Does she think A, B, and C about me?". It doesn't stop. Just knowing that I have another 6 days until I can talk to her face-to-face about this is aggravating.

[Restin]

Nicole, I think your T could have helped you a whole lot more at easing into admitting you have transference feelings. I realize this is late, as you did admit it. but for a T to just bluntly ask "Do you have feelings you're not telling me" and "What are they." is too much of a hurdle.
I'm in the same place as you were. I took a lot of 400 level clinical psych courses in college and know all about Transference, but when it comes my turn to actually have it, it's all different. In my situation, I was raised by many different relatives, all of whom made it perfectly clear that they were not going to be my mother. So, anything like a motherly transference is anathema and not to be discussed, in my inner child world. I think it helps to separate yourself into your adult self and your child self. Not that it is dissociation, but as a way to save face for your adult self while you admit you have certain childlike wishes about the therapist. I hope you get through this and that your T will nurture you through it at a pace you can bear.

[Restin]

P.S. Please be careful about water bottles and such. On another forum, the patient did nothing more than beat his fist down on the therapist's desk and she will never see him again. I would be so devastated if I were that patient, I wouldn't know what to do!

Restin, this thread is like 3 years old. I doubt and this poster has never been back. Unlikely she'll see it.

[RTerroni]

Glad you were able to do that.