[BlessedRhiannon]

I just need somewhere to bounce these feelings around. Feedback is welcome as well...

I had a rough session with T last week. My sessions are on Thursday, and T doesn't work on Fri, Sat, Sun. T usually checks her emails in the morning. So, I know that if I send her an email after our session, there's an excellent chance she won't read it until Monday (on a rare occasion, she will check in the evening or on Fridays, but I can't count on it). I'm fine with that. I know that if I need to get a hold of her, I should text or call. Otherwise, I can expect a reply on Monday. So, I emailed T on Thursday, just to get out my feelings about the session. She didn't reply until Tuesday and by then, I was really struggling. Her reply was unhelpful and just inquired about my current mindset - I responded that I'm still struggling. No response from her. Here's the thing - I KNOW she's busy. I know we don't do therapy by email. I know that if I need support, I need to call or text her. We even have a single word text arranged that means I really need her to call me asap. So, I don't really have a reason to be mad at her...email is not an immediate form of communication.

I think, I'm more frustrated with myself, and I'm transferring that anger to T. I'm frustrated that I didn't send T that text that means I need help now. I'm frustrated that our session last week was so difficult for me. I'm struggling with the topic we're discussing - that I chose to discuss and asked T to help me stay focused on for a few sessions. I'm mad at myself because I feel like I'm sabotaging my relationship with my T and then I'm getting angry at her! None of this is her fault, and I know that. I'm still feeling anger towards her.

I know the right answer is to talk to T about all of this, but I'm just not sure how to bring it up. Anger has always felt like it's "forbidden" to me. I'm not allowed to be angry at anyone, including myself. I'm certainly not allowed to express my anger. And - if I dare to take anger at myself out on anyone else, well...that's just a really bad idea. So, I'm honestly terrified to talk to T about how I've been feeling this week. I meet with her tomorrow, and I guess I just need some help working this out and figuring out how to approach this with T, and lots and lots of support to actually talk about it.

[catsrhelm]

Before you see your T again, why don't you try journalling out all your feelings? It will help you clear them up, and you can share your journal with your T.

[HazelGirl]

I totally understand how you're feeling. But maybe this is an opportunity to learn how to correctly and healthily express your anger. It's not your T's fault, but you still feel angry. That's okay. You are allowed to feel angry even though it isn't really her fault.

[Leah123]

I can so relate, in fact, could have written most of your post myself regarding anger being forbidden and getting twisted around in therapy.

I believe the best thing to do would be to share this post with her, to me it seems very insightful and a great starting place to work through the issue.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Thanks for the support.

I know I need to have this conversation with my T. So, I just sent her an email saying that I need to start next session off with talking about the anger/frustration/disappointment I'm feeling at myself, and how I'm reacting to that. I know that if I don't put it out there ahead of time, I'll just decide it's not really that important and I won't bring it up.

I will probably journal more about this, but I think the post says it all and I may just pull it up on my phone and read it to her.

I hate feeling like I'm not allowed to be angry. I hate even more when I then transfer that anger off to someone that doesn't really deserve it.

[coolibrarian]

You ARE allowed to be angry. It's what you DO with that anger that MIGHT be restricted. And, certainly, you are ALLOWED to get angry in therapy, with your T, and to express it there, verbally, with her. Sitting on that anger, swallowing it or stuffing it deep inside you is hurting you. Let it out. Gentle hugs.

[tinyrabbit]

I read your post and felt sad that you're frustrated with yourself. Something somehow robbed you of your T's support and that is frustrating, but I'd urge you not to beat yourself up. Do you have any what prevented you from calling or texting her - do you remember what you were thinking or how it felt at the time? Could it be that you're annoyed with your T for not being able to take away that feeling that stopped you from texting her?

You are allowed to feel angry and frustrated with your T. Honestly. It's completely okay and to be expected. Would it help to remember that your feelings about anger are rules you currently have for yourself - they're not shared by everyone. So while you have this rule for you that anger is forbidden, your T doesn't have the same rule, and probably has a different rule that says your anger is valid and not forbidden.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Thanks for the reminders that I am allowed to be angry. I know these are old rules that I'm still struggling with.

Tinyrabbit - I have NO IDEA what prevented me from calling or texting T. I've even got the draft text sitting on my phone, I just can't seem to hit send. I guess that's something to think about and talk through with T.

[BlessedRhiannon]

So, like I said earlier, I sent my T an email just saying I had stuff I wanted to talk about and for her to bring it up. I wasn't overly specific.

Of course...now she replies within a few hours, saying she looks forward to hearing what I have to say. I hate email sometimes I'm glad T allows it, as it's been supremely helpful for me in the past, but sometimes, the unpredictability is maddening. Yes, you get that with the phone if you have to leave a message or waiting for a reply to a text, but there's just something different about email.

Her reply made me smile, and then I'm like "oh, I'm not mad at T anymore," but I think I'm still feeling anger that I just don't know how to direct. If I direct it at myself, I'll end up employing poor coping mechanisms. If I direct it at T, I know it's not really justified. Lots to talk about tomorrow, I guess. At the same time, I don't want to use this to avoid the difficult topic that brought all these feelings up in the first place.

[coolibrarian]

Don't worry too much about directing your anger at anyone in particular. Just start talking about it: what it feels like when you are angry, what you feel like saying or doing (or not saying or doing), what you think you are angry about, etc.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by Cherbiej

Don't worry too much about directing your anger at anyone in particular. Just start talking about it: what it feels like when you are angry, what you feel like saying or doing (or not saying or doing), what you think you are angry about, etc.

Thanks - that helps. I don't do "feelings" well. I'm a very logical thinker and prefer to jump to the why. I struggle with what things feel like and talking about feelings.