[Confused_1982]

Havent seen T for 2 weeks. I went into our last session feeling stuck and that I didnt know what I wanted to deal with or how I felt. It was a really difficult session, and I was actually glad for a bit of break so that I could sort my feelings out. But, now I ve got T on Weds and I'm still in this stuck position. Im scared to keep the appointment feeling like this as I know how bad it was last time. I feel so far away from T, so uncared for, so alone.

Reading Kiya's post about cute things T has said to you makes me feel really sad- I can't think of any things T has said to me like that I feel so overwhelmed with sadness at the moment- why doesnt T like me the way your Ts like you Because I am so difficult and so not worth it.

I dont know if I should be asking T for something- he didnt reassure me he still wants to work with me- he said that it was entirely my decision whether or not I continue with therapy? What do you think? I'm wondering if anyone has been in this situation, and how/if you worked through it with/without T?

[Dr.Muffin]

if i were in your position i would voice those concerns at your session. the relationship between you and your therapist is often a mirror of the ones you have in the outside world, and the only difference is you can really talk about whats going on between you without the risk of hurt feelings.

tell him how you feel and really think about what it is you need and ask for it. i know that can be very difficult, but its worth it.

[BlueMoon6]

((((((confused )))))) I so understand how you feel. I also couldnt think of anything cute my t said to me. It makes me feel not worth it also...and sad. No cuteness going on here . I know my t doesnt hate me but she doesnt seem as close to me as other t's are to people here. I want my t to like me this way

Well...Im looking for another t. But for many reasons. If this t is somewhat good, maybe you will feel that you can talk about it in your session like Dr Muffin said. My t has never reassured me she wants to work with me. And I have a feeling she may be attached to me but may be relieved when I go. I am difficult for her. But I have an intuition patients have left her many times. For the same reasons I am.

[Dr.Muffin]

speaking as a therapist, i can say that its very difficult to give the client what they need when youre not sure what that is. there are some therapists who are trained to keep a safe distance and not become enmeshed because that could be detrimental to the client, whereas there are some who are overtly affectionate with their clients. both of these styles can work. they just work for different types of people.

i think the most important thing in the therapeutic relationship is safety, and if you dont feel safe enough to voice a concern like this or tell your therapist what you need or whatever the case may be, then you cant possibly get what you need to out of the therapy. thats just my opinion.

(((((((((((((((confused))))))))))))))

I think the good thing AND the bad thing about this board is reading about other people's therapy experiences. On the one hand, we might read how therapy is for other people and think "THAT is what I need" and work with our T to get more of what we need, or even look for a new T. On the other hand, we might read about other people's experience and come to the conclusion that our T doesn't like us, etc...when in reality, our T just has a different style than someone else's.

I agree with Dr. Muffin...this is a great thing to bring up in session. For me, the thing that makes me THE most "stuck" in therapy is any kind of rupture or distance in my relationship with T. There is no way I can do the work unless the relationship with him is absolutely solid. More often than not, at least lately, the relationship IS the work. It's not easy, and sometimes it takes WAY more than one session, but for me, it's where the most growth comes from in therapy. I get to practice asking for what I need, and making compromises, and learning to trust another person.

Be gentle with you

[rainbow8]

tree. for me too, the relationship between my T and me WAS/IS the work. No matter what the T's orientation (I've had a few different ones) my most important and hardest issue was dealing with, and learning from, that relationship. That's been my core issue that carries over into my life with other people.

[Confused_1982]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have decided to email T this post before session as I am too scared to bring it up directly with him.

[thinker22]

YES!! To your Subject line question. I've addressed it once or twice in therapy. I believe that my therapist truly cares about me, but he says he really can't help me more than being someone to talk to until my moods stabilize since I can't focus and my behavior is chemically related (bipolar, but also PTSD and insomnia). When he first met me, for a couple of months I was in a severe depression. Now I've been in severe mania for 6 weeks. So, I guess he's right, there's not much he can do except for learn my history and what I'm concerned about and practical stuff I can do to slow down some of the most detrimental behaviors (like going on shopping sprees).

I said, why can't we work on some goals? He said we would, but so far it hasn't happened and I still feel like I'm just purging every session or else talking about my manic incessant projects.

Sorry you're feeling so bad. I've been there. Depression is terrible. It makes you feel and think untrue things about yourself. You are worthwhile because you are a human being, not because of anything you do or don't do. And your treatment will make you feel better about yourself because you'll be better able to be there for those around you. Therapy will allow you to heal inside so you can move outside and be the person you want to be in this world.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Confused_1982

I went into our last session feeling stuck and that I didnt know what I wanted to deal with or how I felt.

confused, are you feeling stuck in therapy or stuck with a problem in your life? Sometimes they are related. Are your therapy sessions not helping you solve a problem in your life right now or are you not getting along with T (miscommunicating, the techniques he is using not suited for you, having a rupture, etc.)? Have you told him how you feel--uncared for and far away?

Reading Kiya's post about cute things T has said to you makes me feel really sad- I can't think of any things T has said to me like that I feel so overwhelmed with sadness at the moment- why doesnt T like me the way your Ts like you Because I am so difficult and so not worth it.

I doubt he is withholding "cute things" because he thinks you are difficult. He may just not be a "cute" person and is quite distant with all his clients. Some Ts may naturally be more reserved and some may take a more distant therapeutic approach where they are all "business." It could be your T is one of these or both.

I dont know if I should be asking T for something- he didnt reassure me he still wants to work with me- he said that it was entirely my decision whether or not I continue with therapy?

Well, I agree it is entirely your decision. What did he say that in response to? Did you ask him if he thought you should continue therapy, and that is what he said?

While I was with my first T, I was stuck on a problem in my life, and at first we made some basic, slow progress toward helping me with this problem. After a while, I was not feeling like I wanted to work on this problem anymore (in real life), and I needed a break from worrying about the problem, so I took a 3 month break from trying to move forward, and since therapy was a part of my efforts to move forward, I took a 3 month break from therapy also. When I was ready to attack the problem again, we started therapy again, and it was easier to see that therapy wasn't really helping me move forward and get unstuck. I talked to my T about feeling stuck and gently inquired about how I could use therapy to help me with that (basically, what she could offer me). She told me I could keep doing therapy, but it was going to be the same as before--she had no other techniques or ideas to offer, but she was definitely willing to keep seeing me and offering me her standard style of talk therapy. I am glad we had that talk, and decided to continue working with her. I saw her for about 4 more sessions and then quit. I realized she really wasn't going to be able to help me at that point in my life with her skill set. There was nothing "wrong" with her, I just needed more/different help at that time. I don't know if that is similar to what you are going through or not, but I think it is key to have a talk with your T and tell him the therapy (or the therapy relationship) is not working for you right now.

Maybe you could ask him if he has had success with clients "like you" or with the same presenting problem(s) as you. Maybe he tends not to be that effective with clients "like you" and it would be helpful to know that. Or maybe he often does have success and he could explain to you the typical course of therapy with a person with your issue. Maybe you could then see yourself as somewhere on the timeline of a successful outcome, and that would be reassuring to you that you are doing OK and just have to keep at it to move to the next phase of the process. I do find it helpful when I ask my T, "do other clients do ____ or ask you about _____?" And if he says yes, then I think OK, he has handled this many times, I am not aberrant, he knows what to do with this, etc.

[Confused_1982]

Thanks Thinker- I think me & T are in the same situation- my moods are very intense (BPD) and when that happens I just can't think clealry about anything, they take over me. T said he cant help me if I dont know what *I* want, which I understand, but still wish he would have reassured me some. I feel exactly the same- that I'm "purging" sessions while I am like this. I hate it.

Sunrise- I have told T that I feel that something has changed betweeen us- that he seems colder and harder towards me, but he totally denies anything has changed.

I told him that I felt stuck and didnt know whether I should continue coming to T if I didnt know what I wanted. He pretty much agreed and asked whether I wanted to book another appointment. I said I didnt know, and asked him what he thought. He basically said it was my decision. I just wish he would have said, "but I still want to work with you" or something along those lines.

I agree- maybe I am stuck in T with him, and thats what we need to talk about, but it has taken me so long to "attach" to him and to trust him that I cant imagine talking to anyhone else. He is the first person to "get" me. I think thats what I will bring up with him this week, and see what he says.

Thank you Sunrise- You have "unstuck" me for now

[thinker22]

Not to be contrary (and definitely not to make you feel worse), but it must be a tough choice from the therapist's perspective when a client indicates they may not want to continue. If you're too eager and say, "Don't leave, you'll only get worse," the client may resist and cut off ties. If you ignore them too much or say, "It's up to you," the client might feel you don't care about them.

Just a thought that struck me. I too need to feel like a T or P-doc cares about me or I will leave. I did that with the 1st in person therapist. She seemed cold to me and just wanted (and still wants) the insurance money. Talented and degrees up to wazoo or not, if you have no compassion I'm outta there.

[sunrise]

Confused, I'm glad you feel unstuck for the moment.

Originally Posted by Confused_1982

I told him that I felt stuck and didnt know whether I should continue coming to T if I didnt know what I wanted. He pretty much agreed and asked whether I wanted to book another appointment. I said I didnt know, and

(underlinings mine) I think you have to be able to tell the therapist what you want to work on, otherwise, how are they to know? The client has to give the therapist something to work with. I can understand your therapist not knowing how to proceed if he doesn't know why you are there. When a person first goes to therapy, often during the first appointment, the therapist will ask, "what brings you here today?" What did you say at your first appointment when your T asked you that? Do you still want to work on that same thing? Or have you conquered that issue and are now wondering if you have further issues to work on? I think there is nothing wrong indeed from going to therapy with a problem, working on it with a good T, solving the problem, and then ending therapy. I think that's a good outcome!

I would suggest working YOURSELF on learning what you want to work on in therapy. You can do this by thinking about this question and by journaling about it. I think journaling is a great way to explore what is going on inside of ourselves. Write about what you want in life and how your days are unsatisfactory (if they are). Are you happy? If not, why not? Try to figure these things out with your journal and then go to therapy and tell you T, "I would really like to work on _____, can you help me with that?" I bet he would be really happy to have you identify what it is that is unsatisfactory in your life that he could help with. I bet he would be ready to jump in and help!

If this sounds too hard--I don't think what you want help with has to be defined in great detail. It could be things like: I wish I had more friends, I'm lonely; I'm shy and don't have good social skills; I always seem to end up pissing people off, I wonder if I need help with communication skills; my romantic partner is really mean to me, but I'm scared to leave; I cry a lot and don't know why; I feel empty--is this all there is to life?; I want to go back to school but I am a procrastinator and afraid I'll fail; my romantic partner just left me and that has happened 3 times in a row now, is there something wrong with me?, etc. etc. etc.

What I found is once you start working on something in therapy, a lot of other things come up that you work on, because often what you are having trouble with has so many underlying layers. For example, with me, I was in a marriage and was very unhappy with it but couldn't move forward. To help me move forward, my therapy took us everywhere: I started to learn how to tell people what I need and want, I learned to recognize what I was feeling instead of stuffing it all inside, I learned to communicate better and speak more directly and honor the words others had to say, I found "my own voice" (as my T loves to say), I began to see how I was very bad at setting boundaries, I recognized patterns from my childhood that had carried forward into my adult relationships. I learned all sorts of stuff I never knew I even needed to know, just because of wanting to move forward on my marriage.

So I think if you can just give your T a "handle", you will find lots of stuff to work on. But give him something to start. Use your journal to figure out what you want to work on. If you are happy with your life the way it is, then maybe there is no reason to be in therapy. And that's OK!

asked him what he thought. He basically said it was my decision. I just wish he would have said, "but I still want to work with you" or something along those lines.

I think this is quite a different issue, that you are wanting your T to want you and to feel he cares (perhaps dating back to childhood feelings). I think he was trying to treat you like an adult and get you to take a more active role in your therapy. You are not a child, you are not forced to go to therapy and be with him. You are an adult and can make a choice about whether to be in therapy. I think his putting the ball in your court is really a sign of respect and not one of uncaring. He sees you as an adult who can make choices and he is treating you that way. Do you find that a challenge? Maybe you can rise to the occasion, figure out just one reason why you want to be in therapy, and go back to him and share that. That would be a triumph!

Sunrise- I have told T that I feel that something has changed betweeen us- that he seems colder and harder towards me, but he totally denies anything has changed.

Could it be you feel this because he is putting more responsibility for the therapy on you?

it has taken me so long to "attach" to him and to trust him that I cant imagine talking to anyhone else. He is the first person to "get" me. I think thats what I will bring up with him this week, and see what he says.

I think this sounds really positive--attachment, trust--and you should stick with him. I'm sure he would like to hear your positive feelings toward him and your relationship. It sounds like he really could help you, but needs a starting point. Bring him a bone.... That's my suggestion!

Originally Posted by Confused_1982

Havent seen T for 2 weeks. I went into our last session feeling stuck and that I didnt know what I wanted to deal with or how I felt. It was a really difficult session, and I was actually glad for a bit of break so that I could sort my feelings out. But, now I ve got T on Weds and I'm still in this stuck position. Im scared to keep the appointment feeling like this as I know how bad it was last time. I feel so far away from T, so uncared for, so alone.

Reading Kiya's post about cute things T has said to you makes me feel really sad- I can't think of any things T has said to me like that I feel so overwhelmed with sadness at the moment- why doesnt T like me the way your Ts like you Because I am so difficult and so not worth it.

I dont know if I should be asking T for something- he didnt reassure me he still wants to work with me- he said that it was entirely my decision whether or not I continue with therapy? What do you think? I'm wondering if anyone has been in this situation, and how/if you worked through it with/without T?

There is much in you thread that I CAN RELATE with....
I've asked myself the same questions you have and are, I've felt the same way if my therapist even cared or if they wanted to see me anymore, even if they liked me.............
I can't find one still - because, well there's always something: under-qualified, know-it-all, snobbish, uses cliquces, tells me I should JUST....,
games plans, etc etc.....

ON THE LITE SIDE - K (hope it's alright) cuz I feel like you do - I thought was funny I just came upon it.
I'm putting this picture in here NOT because this issue is not serious -
Only that I wanted to warm you for a second......

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Confused, I'm glad you feel unstuck for the moment.

(underlinings mine) I think you have to be able to tell the therapist what you want to work on, otherwise, how are they to know? The client has to give the therapist something to work with. I can understand your therapist not knowing how to proceed if he doesn't know why you are there. When a person first goes to therapy, often during the first appointment, the therapist will ask, "what brings you here today?" What did you say at your first appointment when your T asked you that? Do you still want to work on that same thing? Or have you conquered that issue and are now wondering if you have further issues to work on? I think there is nothing wrong indeed from going to therapy with a problem, working on it with a good T, solving the problem, and then ending therapy. I think that's a good outcome!!

i thoroughly agree with that. i think good therapy is like good parenting. you help the person get to a point where they can handle things on their own and then set them free!

you can then be a home base, for when things arise and they begin to feel overwhelmed and things of that nature.

[Confused_1982]

Thank you everyone for your replies- you have no idea how much this has helped me.

Sunrise,
I bet he would be really happy to have you identify what it is that is unsatisfactory in your life that he could help with. I bet he would be ready to jump in and help!
I emailed T with a list of things I want to work on in the short term, and the things that I think I can manage at the moment. When I break it down, there are LOADS of things I am unhappy with, but most seem too big a challenge for me to take on at the moment. I hope he does "jump in and help"- I hope my email to him gave him that bone.

I'm sure he would like to hear your positive feelings toward him and your relationship.

Oh, he knows alright! We had a session a while ago where I told him of my strong transference feelings for him. I have been trying to avoid talking about this with him ever since. THis is something I know has to be dealt with, and it is one of the things I put on my list.

You are not a child, you are not forced to go to therapy and be with him. You are an adult and can make a choice about whether to be in therapy. -Yes, you are right- in my adult mind of course this makes sense, but the child wants him to tell me that HE wants me to stay. I need to grow up, I know.

Starlite- thank you for the pic- yes it did warm me Thank you for your words.

Dr Muffin- I hope to be in a place where I can deal with things on my own. I think Ive got some way to go yet though