[JonB]

After having a holiday break from therapy, I was really psyched (ha ha) to go back and had lots of things I wanted to talk about. One of the things that comes up a lot is that I tend to not have a lot to say about things. I talk, but he says I never really seem to get very deep into anything. I always thought I just didn't have that much to say. Today I realized when he was asking me questions that I had the answers to his questions, I could think of the answers very clearly, but I couldn't say them. I would be thinking the answer and find myself saying "I'm not sure" or "I don't know". Or he would ask if I had something else to say about it and I would be saying no while I was thinking of the other things I had to say about it.

Later, I was thinking about how stupid that is. I don't understand what the problem is. I do trust this guy, so how come I can't just say what's on my mind? And I'm not talking about any major traumas or difficult subjects here, just everyday run of the mill stuff.

Practically speaking, I know the answer is that I should just tell him this. But realistically, how likely is it that I'm actually going to do that when I stumble on very simple basic questions while I'm there? I can see my self sitting there thinking all this and not saying anything.

I feel very stupid about this. The answer seems so perfectly easy and obvious yet I'm still failing. It's like the stock market - buy low, sell high - very easy, so how come we're not all raking it in? Or losing weight - eat less, move more - but still you can't seem to do it. How can I be getting this and not getting it at the same time?

I'm on the fence with this as to whether or not this means there's a lot I can get out of therapy or it's not for me and I should quit now. I know it's not all black and white, but right now I feel like I should either be able to go in there and spill my guts or not bother going back at all.

Tell me I'm not nuts about this....

[Lucinda]

I do that, not so much now, i stil have to say "i dont know" Just so i stop thinking it, then i say what i was thinking. It is really hard, but it beat beating yourself up for not saying stuff when you have left.

I think the reasons i did was control and trust, i spent time thinking about what i was going to say so it didnt sound stupid or that it wasnt a waste of time. I had a smiliar moment when i thought that it was stupid and tried after that not to do it agian

Hope my ramblings are of some help

Lucy

> Today I realized when he was asking me questions that I had the answers to his questions, I could think of the answers very clearly, but I couldn't say them. I would be thinking the answer and find myself saying "I'm not sure" or "I don't know". Or he would ask if I had something else to say about it and I would be saying no while I was thinking of the other things I had to say about it.

Oh my God! What progress! That is terrific!

I always used to be 'I don't know' and 'I'm not sure'. It used to drive my therapist nuts. But I didn't know and I wasn't sure... My next therapist was good at shifting to process issues (which I love) when I struggle with content (which I really do have considerable difficulty with at times). She managed to talk to me about what the 'I don't know' was about. Mostly... It was because I didn't know. Blank mind. Couldn't think of anything to say. But sometimes... I would have a thought occur to me but... I didn't want to say it.

Why not?
Why is it hard?

Sometimes it can be about trust. That the person will hear and respect what we are saying.

Do you think it might be about that?

Those kinds of things that you feel like you should say but you don't say... Those are the kinds of things that it is most important to say. Because... Saying them and getting a good response from your t... Is the most healing thing of all.

Don't you dare quit!

;-)

One way might be for you to tell your t that you are finding this so you can work out a signal. Raising a little finger or something like that. If you get an urge to say something but can't get it out then you could raise your finger and he could give you some time or try and help you say it. Do you think that might help?

[sunrise]

Maybe you can try not to say anything that's not true in your sessions, so don't say "I'm not sure" or "I don't know" if you really do know. And just sit in the silence for a while instead of rushing to fill it with phrases that aren't true. Sometimes we need a little space and time to spit these things out, and most therapists are comfortable with some silence and won't rush to fill it themselves. They'll be patient and let you fill it, in your own time.

Good luck.

sunny

[Perna]

I think there are two things happening; you have to want to tell this person, whatever, and it's like the dance of silence/talking and when to talk and when not to. My T and I discussed that one; she explained how she/T's have to decide when to intervene/talk and when to stay silent, have to figure out what the "silence" is all about. I think the thinking one thing/saying another is similar. I imagine you did that to someone during your upbringing, tried to disguise your thoughts/feelings so they wouldn't/couldn't cross your boundaries? So it's a habit that isn't appropriate anymore as you want to be known by your T (I hope :-) and let him know what you think/feel. If you do want to be different, then you do need to bring up this problem with your T and discuss it as you have with us, however "hard" it is. Just saying, "I can't talk right" or "I'm having trouble telling you" would be a good beginning instead of saying something "wrong" like "I don't know." At one point my T outlawed my waying "I don't know" so I wasn't "allowed" to say it but had to dig and find a truer answer. Maybe you could make such a law for yourself? (The one and only law I made for myself was I was not allowed to assume the fetal position either literally or figuratively/emotionally, had to keep "talking" no matter how painful/difficult it was. I pictured it all like I was a mine sweep/ice breaker and had to keep the shipping lanes open between my T and myself :-)

[Brookester]

Jon,

I had a couple of thoughts. One is that when you were growing up were you stifled by one or both parents when you wanted to say something, so you just kept it in and did not say anything? These habits and behaviors we can pick up on as children are really coping/survival techniques that fill a purpose at one time, but do not help as an adult.

Also, have you thought of writing your therapist a short note telling him that you have all of the answers but are reluctant to talk because you are uncomfortable. That could be a way to open a dialogue with him.

I believe you should definitely forage ahead with the therapy as you are just on the edge of making some wonderful discoveries. I wish you the best.