[HazelGirl]

I don't often feel like my T doesn't get what I'm saying. Only rarely do I feel like she completely missed it, but I feel like that now. I sent her a text last night about how badly I was doing, and explained some of why. And she responded today (I am summarizing so it makes sense to y'all) by basically saying "Yep. That's how it works. " It's like she totally skipped over the fact that I was distressed by it, and very upset. Maybe it was because it was the next morning? But regardless, I don't feel great today, either. And it's like she shut down and chance of me talking about how I am feeling now.

[Leah123]

I've gotten occasional responses like that also. Sometimes my therapist just needs to tell me, with acceptance, that life is hard, and even she doesn't have a magic wand to take away my distress and pain.

How about you tell her your reaction to the message and ask for something that would help you feel better?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I've gotten occasional responses like that also. Sometimes my therapist just needs to tell me, with acceptance, that life is hard, and even she doesn't have a magic wand to take away my distress and pain.

How about you tell her your reaction to the message and ask for something that would help you feel better?

I don't know that anything would help me feel better. And maybe she knows that, so she doesn't try? I don't know. But I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing and I should stop complaining about it because it's normal and I should just deal with it. I know she can't help me not have nightmares and she can't stop me from reacting to them, anyway.

Your details are vague, so I'm only vaguely guessing, but my guess is she is saying what so many of us say here. What you are experiencing is, unfortunately, part of the process most go through as we deal with the intensity of emotions and memories during therapy. She may just be trying to acknowledge that she hears what you are going through and understands it as it is fairly "normal", as bad as it is. I don't think she's being unempathetic, just realistic about what you are going through.

My T has responded similarly at times. I agree, I wanted more agreement and apparent understanding for about how awful things for me, but it really wasn't that he didn't understand; it was that he was trying to get me to a calmer state rather than feeding my anxiety. In the long-run, his approach generally worked with me because his message was that I am not a freak for how I am feeling; I am perfectly normal for reacting and experiencing what I am experiencing the way I am experiencing it. Being told my experience was normal and justified was much more calming than if he had assisted me in spiraling into more anxiety about it.

[Aloneandafraid]

I regularly feel like this as my T doesn't usually reply to my texts although she encourages me to keep texting when I feel I need to. But because she doesn't reply, sometimes doesn't even ack receipt, I always feel ignored. I believe I am too demanding, too needy and I always convince myself she is angry with me for contacting her. However, every week she assures me that this is not the case - but she won't go into things by text. It hurts and doesn't really help that I am constantly on an emotional roller coaster with her. I constantly feel ignored and that she doesn't understand how bad I am feeling (I also do a good job of showing people I am okay when I am actually in pieces).

I relate so much to your posts, Hazelgirl. I think you are extremely brave and you are doing a great job. Keep going.

[HazelGirl]

I guess I blame myself for it because I don't really express the difference between me being mildly upset but able to handle it, and me being overwhelmed and unable to handle it, very well. And maybe she thought I was doing okay when I wasn't.

[SoupDragon]

Yes my T did that to me 2 weeks ago. I emailed (saying I quit!) and T said to respond to him once I had got past the feelings.

Once when I was really upset with my ex husband, he told me to stop being so reactionary - I said to T that was how it felt when he emailed me the above - he replied, yes that was sort of how it was

So I get the disappointment / let down feeling of being ignored and left to get on with it. Thank goodness for PC at such times.

Soup

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Similarly to what Chris said, I think that T's can be cautious, especially when you are not sitting right in front of them, to rush in and "rescue" clients from their feelings when you don't, in fact, need rescue.

What has worked for me when I'm in distress is to learn to be okay with being distressed. Paradoxically, when I just accept that I'm in a crappy place but am also aware that it will not last forever, which is my place of tolerance, I find that my heart and mind begin to get some distance on the pain, and it lessens. This is particularly true for me when I am tripped up in some kind of unresolved trauma, where I can remember that the worst part, going through the trauma, is over.

If I struggle against it, get frustrated with myself because I'm not yet "over it", get into negative self talk about how dumb or lack enlightenment or whatever I am, I get stuck into where I am.

For me it can be an hour by hour thing. Sometimes I experiment with trying to feel more rather than less, trying to dig deeper into the muck without backing out. It can have the exact opposite reaction.

In my experience, every time you go through it and allow yourself to be there in it, the shorter the time period and the longer stretch between episodes.

I really think you are doing what you're supposed to be doing. I think your T is acknowledging that and rather than trying to distract you from your path, she is standing there with you and not trying to get in your way.

[sweepy62]

My t wants me to identify my feelings and sit with them, cope with them, she does want me to call her , then she will tell me how to get some relief from them. Then we talk about it at the next session, It really doesnt work that well sometimes , but its reasurrance for me.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I really think you are doing what you're supposed to be doing. I think your T is acknowledging that and rather than trying to distract you from your path, she is standing there with you and not trying to get in your way.

This really stood out to me. Maybe this is her attitude, that things are going in the way they should and she doesn't want to interfere in that process. I could see her saying something like this.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I know she can't help me not have nightmares and she can't stop me from reacting to them, anyway.

Do you and T look at your dreams at all? It seemed like the harder I worked in therapy the more vivid and "disturbing" dreams I had. I had the worst nightmare I've ever had where I woke screaming. Since I'm almost completely deaf in one ear and sleep on my "good" ear, I could not hear myself scream so I did not wake up quickly, spent a lot of time waking myself up. It was early on a Saturday morning and I woke my husband with my screams and because I was shaking him, to see if he was alive (he had died convulsing in my arms in the dream). He could not get back to sleep but I did

I learned over the years in T that recording my dreams and discussing them with T took a lot of the pain out of them for me and made them and my work in T much more exciting. I started wanting to go to bed earlier when I had had a hard T session, just to see what I would dream! I began to notice details better, things like my husband's or T's presence in dreams, which meant it was "safe" for me to dream/think about whatever the "real" subject was, the problem or difficulty I was trying to get understand or get past. I started seeing my dreams as a really good library/source of information on "Me" and that made me proud and took the fear right out of the worst dreams. It seemed too, the more attention I paid to my dreams the less they needed to be quite so extreme/scary, I no longer needed monsters to get me to pay attention:

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Perna

Do you and T look at your dreams at all? It seemed like the harder I worked in therapy the more vivid and "disturbing" dreams I had. I had the worst nightmare I've ever had where I woke screaming. Since I'm almost completely deaf in one ear and sleep on my "good" ear, I could not hear myself scream so I did not wake up quickly, spent a lot of time waking myself up. It was early on a Saturday morning and I woke my husband with my screams and because I was shaking him, to see if he was alive (he had died convulsing in my arms in the dream). He could not get back to sleep but I did

I learned over the years in T that recording my dreams and discussing them with T took a lot of the pain out of them for me and made them and my work in T much more exciting. I started wanting to go to bed earlier when I had had a hard T session, just to see what I would dream! I began to notice details better, things like my husband's or T's presence in dreams, which meant it was "safe" for me to dream/think about whatever the "real" subject was, the problem or difficulty I was trying to get understand or get past. I started seeing my dreams as a really good library/source of information on "Me" and that made me proud and took the fear right out of the worst dreams. It seemed too, the more attention I paid to my dreams the less they needed to be quite so extreme/scary, I no longer needed monsters to get me to pay attention:

My T is pretty uninterested in dreams, unless they have an obviously traumatic theme. I, on the other hand, have had a lot of vivid nightmares since I was a small child. They have gotten better as I have gotten older, but I still get them fairly often. I would like to talk more about them, but my T seems so uninterested or dismissing of them whenever I bring them up. I don't think she realizes how distressing and overwhelming they are, even when they're obviously not true.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

My T is pretty uninterested in dreams, unless they have an obviously traumatic theme. I, on the other hand, have had a lot of vivid nightmares since I was a small child. They have gotten better as I have gotten older, but I still get them fairly often. I would like to talk more about them, but my T seems so uninterested or dismissing of them whenever I bring them up. I don't think she realizes how distressing and overwhelming they are, even when they're obviously not true.

Maybe you can tell her this. Important for her to know. Dreamwork has been very helpful and actually enjoyable in my therapy. The insights have defused a lot of the fear.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Maybe you can tell her this. Important for her to know. Dreamwork has been very helpful and actually enjoyable in my therapy. The insights have defused a lot of the fear.

I have tried a little bit. Maybe I need to tell her again how terrifying and scary they are for me. I wake up in the middle of the night really anxious, and although a part of my mind knows it was a dream, I can't calm down enough to go back to sleep or to shake the horror and fear of them.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't often feel like my T doesn't get what I'm saying. Only rarely do I feel like she completely missed it, but I feel like that now. I sent her a text last night about how badly I was doing, and explained some of why. And she responded today (I am summarizing so it makes sense to y'all) by basically saying "Yep. That's how it works. " It's like she totally skipped over the fact that I was distressed by it, and very upset. Maybe it was because it was the next morning? But regardless, I don't feel great today, either. And it's like she shut down and chance of me talking about how I am feeling now.

HazelGirl, I'm sorry your T replied to you like that. It sounds dismissive.

Once I e-mailed my T and told her I was upset about some of my medical issues. She replied, "Pre, I am sorry you are so sad." I found that helpful and comforting despite the short length of the reply. She heard me.

I doubt if she had replied, "Yep, that's how it goes.", that I'd feel heard and validated. I don't think that reply would help me at all.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by precaryous

HazelGirl, I'm sorry your T replied to you like that. It sounds dismissive.

Once I e-mailed my T and told her I was upset about some of my medical issues. She replied, "Pre, I am sorry you are so sad." I found that helpful and comforting despite the short length of the reply. She heard me.

I doubt if she had replied, "Yep, that's how it goes.", that I'd feel heard and validated. I don't think that reply would help me at all.

It did sound very dismissive. But now that it's been a day or so, I don't feel that way so much anymore. I know that there isn't anything she can do about it and she isn't going to try to "make it better" when she knows she can't, and that it would probably get in the way to try. So acknowledging that how I feel is normal is the best she can do.