Oh oh.

Therapy suddenly feels sexually charged to me. I have been way, way, WAY more sexual with my husband since starting therapy - like WAY more. I've brought that up to T quite a few times and he always asks "why do you think that is?" - and I always say that maybe it's because I'm starting to feel my feelings more in general. I've always had this little voice in the back of my mind asking me "is it because you find T so attractive?" and I always just tell myself, NO WAY. My transference with him is SO parental (I think)

I kind of think I've been in denial - just not letting myself go there. The whole thing is starting to feel more and more sexually charged to me. I know it's because he's so attentive, we're so tuned in to each other, he goes way way out of his way to give me what I need. And he's really attractive, so there's that.

So, I had T this evening and we talked a lot about a sexual experience I had with my husband. Maybe just sitting and talking to a man about having sex is kind of a sexual thing in itself? Anyhow, later in session the topic turned to childhood stuff I really didn't want to get into, and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. In fact, I was starting to feel really upset and I told him that. So he said, well what do you want to do? I said, what are my options? He said we could talk about anything I want, or we could play Uno, or whatever. So I said, can we REALLY play Uno? He said sure and got the Uno cards.

So, when we play Uno, we sit on the floor together. He leans against his chair and I lean against the couch and we stretch out our legs with the deck of cards between us....so we're sitting by each others feet. We're physically much closer than usual. Once we got down on the floor, we actually ended up not playing Uno, and we just sat and talked. It was intense and intimate. We were talking about anger, and he told me about being a boxer in college. That did it. I was like SWOONING all of a sudden.

I can't believe this. I SO did not expect erotic transference for so many reasons, not the least of which is my history of SA with a minister/counselor in high school. Among other things. I mean, when I came to therapy, the LAST thing I expected was erotic transference.

Oh my gosh. What am I supposed to do with this? He's so tuned in, he probably already knows. It feels like a waste of therapy time to talk about it when there is so much other stuff going on. Or is this exactly what we should talk about??

[chaotic13]

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I have been way, way, WAY more sexual with my husband since starting therapy

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Well... at least your H is getting something out of your therapy too
A while back my H after realizing that I was still going to therapy made a comment like ... 'Well, I don't see where things have gotten any better.' I said "Hummm...yeah, that's the weird thing about therapy, you have to actually go to have it benefit you."

I don't know from what you describe it doesn't seem that much different from watching a movie with a really hot actor in it. If your T is hot, then he is hot. Also it make sense to me that as you start feeling better about yourself and less negative about your past experiences, that maybe you are just feeling a little less inhibited and more tolerant of allowing yourself to feel erotic. Since he is the onehelping you feel more positive and more open and is the one in the room when these feelings are allowed to surface they get directed towards him.

It seems like your T may be is aware of these feelings and is still willing to get close to you. Doesn't he hold your hands at some point? This doesn't sound like he is going to erect some new 12' proximity boundary because you are finding this attention..simulating.

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earthmama said:

Therapy suddenly feels sexually charged to me.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hmm... I have never experienced anything like this. Never heard of it.

lol

It's definitely NOT a waste to talk about-- in fact it will open doors to a lot of your patterns outside of therapy. I was talking on the phone with T today and he said one of the most important things to do is to explore the origin of the transference. I haven't gotten there yet. Lots of work to do.

[little*rhino]

well EM i gotta say, lovey, this isn't a waste of time to talk about .. it is possibly the most important thing to talk about. ANything you read anywhere will tell you that transference must be worked through. You have such an endearing and wonderfully close realtionship with your T.. i think he would handle this very well. Otherwise it can become a very painful experience... and all attached to something you need.

this isn't a waste... it sounds like the perfect venue to get to the issues from the S/A... but dont let that scare you off.. your T isn't going to just blurt out the tough stuff or make you do that either. It sounds like a good medium or vehicle to deal with that horrendous pain.

i still think you absolutely ROCK... and now, im even more jealous bc you and your T sit on the floor and stuff. Dang.

much love

(((((((((((((( pink ))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((candika ))))))))))))))))

Thanks.

I guess I'm scared to bring it up because our relationship IS so intimate and comfortable and I'm scared of the boundaries being redrawn.

I have T again today at noon. I'm going to play it by ear. I have visions of myself sitting down and just blurting out "do you want to talk about erotic transference?". HA! We'll see.....

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earthmama said:

So, I had T this evening and we talked a lot about a sexual experience I had with my husband.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Uhhhh - just re-read my post, and wanted to add that this discussion was VERY related to something we're working on in therapy (dissociation). Not just sitting around talking about my sexual exploits for kicks.

I'm feeling sheepish but can't edit my original post now! Aaaaa!

(((((((((((((((((((( chaotic )))))))))))))))))))

Yeah, he holds my hands at the end of session. I like that. THAT doesn't feel erotic/sexual/whatever to me at all....just feels like being cared for. I don't want to lose that.

T can probably handle this, has probably dealt with it before. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway!!!!

[Angel_of_the_Past]

I haven't had this happen and I'm not sure I could handle it. With all the abuse (physical,sexual, emotional) in my past I'm afraid it would put me over the top.

I'm female and have a female T; please, please tell me this won't happen. I'm scared now! Didn't know therapy had this.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

OMG, OMG, OMG!!!
I can't get this out of my head. Sexual abuse is the biggest part of my PTSD. I'm still struggling with trust and relationship building with my T (even after 6 years). I don't know what I'll do if this happens??!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((( angel ))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry my post was triggering for you.

I feel very, very, very safe with T. And I'm sure, from what you've said that you are very safe with your T too.

I apologize.

[chaotic13]

Angel of the past,

I think because of my past SA I also have a lot of problems with this issue. I seem to view every incidence of direct attention as being in some way sexual. So I get what you are saying. All the talk here about errrrotic transference had me scared too. But at the same time it gave me comfort to know that if feelings do surface, I shouldn't immediately panic.

I haven't felt physically attracted to my T at this point. But since others here have shared their struggles, I feel more prepared if by chance it happens to me. I would still most certainly freak out initially; but I don't think it would as bad.

There have been a few times when I have read things here on PC and thought... "WTH, why would someone think that or worry about that?" Only to find myself in the same situation 2 months down the road. One such topic for me was the discussion of inner child and ego states. When I first saw these comments, I totally didn't get it at all--until one early morning encounter a month or two later.

AOTP, I would not worry about this happening to you. What I get from these threads is that if it happens, its just like all the other comfortable crap that comes up during therapy. It is just another thing you have to work through.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Please do hear me! Never apologize for any post/reply (at least don't feel you have to for me); yes it may have triggered me but it also makes me think. Sooo...if some thing does happen it doesn't reaffirm my "craziness".
Hugs-Angel

[Dinah]

FWIW, for those who are triggered by erotic transference, I think it is entirely possible to be aroused in a session without being aroused by a therapist. A lot of times, subject matter is inherently arousing. Or I find that being extremely anxious (or a bit hypomanic) causes a physiological reaction of arousal that has nothing to do with the person I'm with. I note the physical reaction merely as a clue to how I'm feeling. If my therapist notes any signs of a physical reaction, he is well aware of my tendencies, and I'm sure merely notes it as a clue to how I'm feeling.

Since I experience the same thing no matter where I am or who I'm with, I don't connect it in any way with attraction to my therapist. It also doesn't remotely depend on his person or his actions. For example, a smile or look from him doesn't increase the response.

My therapist says the anxiety/physiological arousal link isn't a very common reaction, but that it certainly isn't unknown. He gave me a few examples. (Not involving him of course.)

[Simcha]

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earthmama said:

(((((((((((((((((((( chaotic )))))))))))))))))))

Yeah, he holds my hands at the end of session. I like that. THAT doesn't feel erotic/sexual/whatever to me at all....just feels like being cared for. I don't want to lose that.

T can probably handle this, has probably dealt with it before. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway!!!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
That would freak me out personally.

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Simcha said:
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earthmama said:

(((((((((((((((((((( chaotic )))))))))))))))))))

Yeah, he holds my hands at the end of session. I like that. THAT doesn't feel erotic/sexual/whatever to me at all....just feels like being cared for. I don't want to lose that.

T can probably handle this, has probably dealt with it before. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway!!!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
That would freak me out personally.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

T has held my hands quite a few times.. mostly during the few times I have cried during a session. We have sat like that for 10 minutes or so. We have talked about how it is not sexual and it has to do with physical contact being a benefical way to help ground me-- it also helps me to see that T is not "afraid" of me. It is something that I can "take home" with me, in the way that I try to remember how it feels-- so I can try to ground myself at home, through that connection.

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[b]
T has held my hands quite a few times.. mostly during the few times I have cried during a session. We have sat like that for 10 minutes or so. We have talked about how it is not sexual and it has to do with physical contact being a benefical way to help ground me-- it also helps me to see that T is not "afraid" of me. It is something that I can "take home" with me, in the way that I try to remember how it feels-- so I can try to ground myself at home, through that connection.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Right. It started as touching fingertips when I needed help getting grounded. It made me feel like he and I were both THERE in that room, like he was a real person.

Then we wanted to come up with a way to "connect" at the end of the session. It started with a fingertip touch leaning across the room, and gradually became T sitting on the couch with me, holding my hands. I like it. It's sort of like no matter what happens in the session, our connection is always the same, and I can take that with me. At least, that's the idea!

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earthmama said:
started with a fingertip touch leaning across the room

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

like ET. GET IT? ET!!! HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA oh boy. lol

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pinksoil said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
earthmama said:
started with a fingertip touch leaning across the room

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

like ET. GET IT? ET!!! HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA oh boy. lol

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Oh my. I should have seen this coming. I mean, it's SO obvious in retrospect. And when his heartlight lit up...well, duh!

[emilyjeanne]

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Angel_of_the_Past said:
I haven't had this happen and I'm not sure I could handle it. With all the abuse (physical,sexual, emotional) in my past I'm afraid it would put me over the top.

I'm female and have a female T; please, please tell me this won't happen. I'm scared now! Didn't know therapy had this.




</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Angel don't worry about this. I have a female T and she actually dropped the bomb by asking me if I had feelings for her. She specifically asked this because of my trauma history and how I tend to sexualize everything. But I don't have any erotic transference feelings for her. But, I did have erotic transference towards my first male therapist.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that not everyone experiences this type of transference.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
emilyjeanne said:
I have a female T and she actually dropped the bomb by asking me if I had feelings for her.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
No way! I think I would have trouble answering this because I would then have to say, "No" and feel bad about it. I would be thinking... am I abnormal for not having feelings for her... am I supposed to ...

[emilyjeanne]

It just happens that I don't have an erotic transference with her. But yesterday I was talking about an old flame that I still have feelings for. I made the comment "I bet you are crushed that I don't have these feelings for you." I think she thought I was serious. But I laughed. I'm glad that I have this relationship with my T.

[MissCharlotte]

((earthmama))

I haven't responded because of my own ET and SA crap makes it difficult for me to separate my feelings.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Yeah, he holds my hands at the end of session.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I was thinking about this and decided that on some level, it would confuse me. At the same time, it makes me envious that you can do this with T. It would feel like a violation of boundaries to me. I get on overload so easily. Sigh.

Oy--the working through--it's such a difficult process. Good work! I hope you are feeling better tonite.

[Restin]

The books and articles on therapy explain that the erotic part is really a defense against going into the deep issues of child abuse, abandonment, not being cherished as a child. The sexual is to avoid going further back into childhood where the pain is. Not saying the sexual isn't real, and I'm no expert, but I need to make sense of this too. According to the experts, the erotic feelings don't quiet down until you really get into the sufferings beneath them in your earlier years. The T (supposedly)will be helping you to look into the abuse issues without unduly discouraging the sexual. Supposely the sexual will then resolve itself without direct treatment. Or, so they say.

[HazelGirl]

Restin, you're commenting on a lot of really old posts.