Geez I've just had the most stupidest T session. My head was blank, I wanted to be there but didn't and I talked about a load of crap. I've come home feeling angry that I wasted 55mins..geez! Its like my adult part went walkies. Now I've got to wait till Fridays session to put this right...sumbody shoot me

[chrys]

Boy do you make me feel better. This is just what I've been writing about. I understand what you're saying completely. It's really difficult to feel that you didn't really work during the session. Maybe your adult part was hiding for a reason. Maybe it just wasn't feeling quite safe today and needed a little time. Don't be too down on yourself. I'm sure your t understands.
take care, chrys

[jacq10]

Sorry to hear that your appointment didn't go as well as you had hoped .... but at least you're able to realize it. Everyone one has "off" sessions with their T where things just don't seem to click, or where your head just draws a blank the whole time - trust me i know. Just focus on what you can do in your next session to make things go smoother. Make a list of things your want to talk about if that helps you ... or talk to your T about how you felt about this session, that way if it seems like its going to happen again, your T will be more aware of it and can maybe help the situation.
Let us know how it goes on friday ....
Jacq

[growlycat]

Yeah, when that happens to me I end up complaining about WORK instead of talking about what is really bothering me. I'm pretty sure most T's has a way of reading into these kinds of sessions and taking mental notes for later anyways.. Even the "wasted" sessions have thier use.

But I also hate the pressure that builds afterwards, the need to really talk after "not using" the session. A week can be a long time to wait!!

oh I think I know what was wrong with me yesterday. At one point I said to T that I hated "the room" and wanted to smash all her books on to the floor and that sitting in the session was just BS!. T said that I was angry at her, and she kinda of had this smile as she said that. I said I didn't think I was angry at her and if I was I would say.

Last night in bed I just felt this feeling that I can't go back to T, but also the torture of feeling that what other option do I have? Though I know intellectually Therapy is helping, the pain from getting back into sessions again, only to have to face another break just seemed much more then I cope with.

I felt like I love T but also that I hate her because she holds the power over me as to whether I am ok or whether I am hurting, ie, she detates the breaks. I can't say "well I'd rather not have a break because its not what I want" I feel like a child that has to do what their told, has no say in it.

I know this maybe not rational, I know I trust T but at the moment I just want to crush her. Its not fair!!! But whats not fair???????? That T has always been professional? always been caring?? has helped me more than anyonen else?? unyet It feels unfair??? Oh someone tell me whats going on!!

Why am I running on 2 levels here??? Its war going inside me between seeing the reality of the situation, and the feelings I am feeling of pain and frustration!...I dont want to have to deal with this!!

[Perna]

LOL, and you thought "nothing" was happening in your session yesterday and like it was "wrong." It's never wrong, it is all hard work and you do it well! It does get much better; soon you'll be able to feel what you're feeling now during the session and express it and hash it out with your T's help so you leave "lighter" and not fighting yourself like now.

Had T today. Told her that I had had a bad 2 days this week...lots of anger...afraid to come to therapy anymore and afraid that if I did come I would smash the room up and throw her away...and I told her I was pissed that she had said on monday that my anger was about her and had said it with a kinda of smug smile...she said that was the catylists for the anger I was already feeling toward her...and that the room and she could indeed contain my anger...and that I had actually survived and contained this anger by myself this week...with this a tear dropped and she asked if i was upset? I said no I think its relieve...relieve that I have felt these feelings and come out the other side..I was so stuck in them that I couldn't see that I was feeling them and getting through them...she asked if I knew what the anger was about? ...I replied I guess its still connected to the break...I couldnt feel angry to you while on the break incase you didn't come back..but now your back the anger is there...she said that once upon I time I would have denied feeling angry about the break and just said I was fine and wanted to quit...so I am getting stronger because I am "allowing" myself to feel these feelings now...I love it when she uses the word "allow" it gives me a sense of my own involvement in my recovery!!...she said that I do have faith in our relationship and that she is strong enought to survive my anger...I said maybe if I had told you on Monday that your ssmug smile had pissed me off we could have got through it quicker?..she said maybe I didnt have the words on Monday?...I said I think I did but was afraid to tell you that you had pissed me off....she said its fine to tell her that...she said do I still feel angry as I am still quite "motorised"...i said I'm not sure...maybe...but I don't feel so afraid of my anger now...lots more was said but I feel this was a good productive session...I did say if she wanted to continue with her building works she was having done at home (where we work from) and build me a little room to move into we wouldnt have these problems LOL!..she said we would!..dam had to put a damper on it LOL..

[Soidhonia]

Hello Mouse it sounds like you have a very good therapist and you are making positive progress in your sessions wiht the therapist. That is very good news to hear. Take Care soidhonia

[sunrise]

Sounds like a great session!

[growlycat]

Hi Mouse!!

What was the "smug smile" situation about exactly?

Sometimes, my T seems like a smartypants knowitall arrogant F*r and I want to scream. Arrgh, stop trying so hard to be "wise" and help me already.

Just wondering because it sounds so familiar!

[(JD)]

Please don't feel like you wasted that time. Even sessions where you just "are" "being" accomplish something, trust me That your T allowed this is good news that you will use later on, I'm sure. Sharing the "garbage" of real life helps us also to unload and feel understood by the T, another good thing.

TC!

Growlycat, I told my T that I felt like I wanted to smash all her books of the bookshelve in the room ..she kinda of gave this little smile as she said "your angry with me?"..I think it was partly because she knows how I relate to her books is really how I want to be with her...as I spend all my sessions talking and looking straight ahead of me at the books and rarely at her...also I think the smile was that I am infact angry and maybe its something solid to work on and she is thinkingn "goody"?...either way it rarely happens and intellectually I know its not a "mocking" smile...it just feels that way as being mocked is something that sets of my abandoment issues..if she did it constantly I would have to bring it and wouldn't be able to work with her...but I know her and know its my reaction to it..she's never been a smug know it all therapist...infact theres times she said "she maybe wrong" when we;ve spoken..

Oh s**t. I dunno why but the memory of saying to T that her "mockingn smile" (if that indeed was what it was) Pissed me of, keeps going over and over in my mind. I think I can't understand why she says its ok to have said that to her. I mean shouldn't she have made a point of saying "that though her apparent mocking smile irritated me, saying she pissed me off isn't really a healthy response"...why did she allow me to say it? I only mentioned in T last week how my adoptive mother always used "you" statements and not "I" statements, ie, "you made me feel this way" Or "you done that to me"..I feel badddddddddd now, but maybe T wanted me to come to this realisation myself? but still, she might have said that she wasn't happy with my statement? but then again maybe she is ok with it?...but still...I need to talk about this tomorrow with her...I mean aren't I learning to only accept acceptable behaviour now in my life? if someone said to me that I pissed them off, would it be ok to feel ok with that? well I guess I am ok with it, but I dont want to be like that myself? perhaps my reaction to this incident right now is how its supposed to go? maybe if T had said she didnt find it acceptable..I wouldnt have come to this conclusion? instead I would have been thinking about her reaction to it..instead of mine? MMmmmmm maybe I've just worked this out by myself? LOL

[Perna]

Oh, mouse! I so relate both to the book identity for T (only mine was that she was a chair :-) and the smile. My T had a couple of looks that said, "That's enough of that, young woman!" and a "speculative" look, "I'm not quite sure I believe you (or should believe you)." A couple of times I'd say, "What???!!" and she'd explain she was just thinking, trying to understand and not angry at me or "wanting" anything particular from me at the moment. I was always thinking I'd said something the "wrong" way or had picked a wrong direction to set off in.

I think it might be awhile before your T shares much about how she actually feels (herself as a person, not a T) with you. It took about 5-6 years for my T to answer from her own self as well as or rather than in ways that were helpful in getting me to figure something out myself as you are doing so well now. Eventually therapy becomes more "personal" when you are comfortable with the conversation and don't have as many confused or unasked questions.

There is no acceptable/unacceptable behavior coming from another person, other people are "allowed" to do/say whatever they want (as long as they don't physically hurt you) and one learns to "hear" what the other person says as valuable information! If someone says to you, "you p^s# me off!" the response to their anger is curiosity (Why? Is it my "doing" or the other person's problem? What do you prefer (asked of the other person)? How can I help improve the relationship/communication? Does what is pissing this person I'm talking with off %#@&#! me off too when it happens to me?, etc.)

Anger is just a communication from the other person, a, "Help! You're stepping on my toes!" response to something you've said/done. You can respond to the person by working to understand where/what "the" toes are and if they're the other person's and in the "right" place; some people steal other people's toes and claim them as their own and/or you're stepping on their toes on your property :-) If you are in fact stepping on their toes on their property, you jump off and apologize, just as you would if you bumped into someone in the street. There's no need to get all embarrassed and too apologetic, it's not like you meant to! But if you don't think it's their toes or if they're on your property you first clarify and confirm your impressions/perspective with questions and then you make an "I" statement of "fact" as you see it, "I don't think those are your toes, they're Mouse's!" or, "Excuse me, but I do not believe I am responsible for your feeling pissed off at my smile, I do not feel mockery for you, I hold you in highest regard!" It's all about negotiation. If the other person doesn't know how or is unwilling to negotiate, you either stay and try to teach them or you "leave" them.

In a book on anger I read, the author told a personal story where she had an anger issue with a supervisor who presented her (the author's) ideas as her own and/or treated her contemptuously because the supervisor's credentials were better than the author's. Anyway, the author chose to use her anger to go back to school and get a higher degree than the supervisor's and ended up better off herself as well as being able to stop any self-esteem problems that had been at the core of her anger. She wrote several books and became more well-known than the supervisor, etc.