Trouble Telling Others That They Mean Something To You

Right now, I'm freaking out because I told my T some of how much she means to me. This is hard because I have troubles telling people how much they mean to me. I am afraid I will sound weird or like a creep, or that they won't feel the same way and will feel smothered or like I'm too clingy.

My question to you is: Do you ever feel this way? How do you overcome it? I think it affects many of my relationships because I can't tell those I love that I love them, or express my appreciation or fondness of people.

I feel this way in all relationships when someone is really important to me. Rejection and abandonment are my main fears with confessing how much someone means to me.

What I do know for me personally is that when I do deal with and process the trauma and hurt from my past is that I will be able to overcome it. People aren't born to be afraid of being close to others or confessing how much they mean to them. People are turned in that direction from what they've experienced and been through.

It can very much be healed. It just takes time just like anything else to heal from.

I just do it. Whether face to face, or on the phone, by text or email, or snail mail. Just do it. The more you do it, the easier it gets. People don't do this often enough. But people love and need to hear it. Life is too short. Don't miss the chance to tell people what they mean to you.

I'm feeling it with my t right now. I've related to a lot of your posts lately, HazelGirl.

I've told me t that I care about him. We've been doing a lot of work with dissociated childhood feelings, and he keeps asking what the little girl part of me needs, and can she guide the therapy.

I had a nice anxiety attack a few minutes ago, because what that little girl needs to feel safe loving the person that's taking the time to care about her. I feel like admitting that will make my t think I'm going to suddenly be this out of control, careening, clingy client.

I don't really have any advice, other than to keep breathing and remember that our Ts know what all of this is, and we'll learn from going through it. At least that's what I keep telling myself today.

I guess the first question is: Why do you want to do this?

ok, reading the other responses (which were not there when I started to compose mine), I have to reiterate the question - why is this a desirable thing to do? When you say "Don't miss the chance to tell people what they mean to you." - what does that mean? What is the chance, exactly? I honestly, genuinely do not understand, and I would like to get some kind of theoretical understanding of this.

I usually dont tell people how I feel, just in case, they dont feel the same way. Thats been an ongoing problem. Last session I told my t I appreciated our relationship, and her efforts, what I meant to say was I like you, and I look foward to sseing you weekly.

After every session she asks how we are doing, and how I think our sessions are going. I fear abandonment and rejection so, I dont tell people my true feelings, and when they tell me they love me or like me, I dont believe it, lol am I twisted?

Only if I'm twisted, too. I have such a hard time believing others when they tell me positive things.

I guess because it helps people feel closer to each other, let's them know you value and appreciate them, and tells them they matter to someone. When it's written out like this, it doesn't sound like a bad thing. But actually doing it? All these fears come up.

I guess I can't imagine a situation where it would matter to anybody else whether I like them or not. But since it makes me happy when others say that I matter to them, it might be a positive thing for them to say it. Just not a reciprocal thing for me - but I know that's just me!

Maybe if you imagine what you feel when somebody else tells you that you matter to them, it would help you feel that your words make them feel the same way?

I have told Therapists in the past that they mean a lot to me.

I have never had the urge to tell a therapist any such thing. That I find them not unbearable is evidenced by the fact I continue to pay them each week.

With real people, I can, if needed, tell someone. I don't often see it as needed, but when I find it so, I can do it without much difficulty. I don't actually find it useful to have people telling me I mean something to them. I sort of assume most people can choose to stay away if they don't like me, and those who come around do.

I've never seen a need to tell my therapist what he means to me. He knows. That's enough really. He's not family, so I don't feel that demonstrative about my feelings toward him.

Other people. Different story. I have a very demonstrative family. We greet and part with hugs and kisses. We tell each other "I love you" quite regularly and comfortably. It's always been that way, not just in my immediate family group (yes, even my sons are affectionately demonstrative), but with my parents and sisters and cousins, etc.

Not that way with everyone. Not everyone do I really feel that depth for. However, I show people my respect, my support, and my kindness as consistently as possible. I find most people around me are very much the same way.

I'm terrible at that stuff.

One thing I do try consciously to do is to thank people for things, or to tell them when I like something they did/made or enjoyed some time we spent together. That way I'm not offering an evaluation of them as a person, which I find difficult (because what if they don't feel the same way, because who cares what I think anyway, because what if they think I'm weird and stupid?), but I still show some appreciation.

I have no issues telling my T and Pdoc that they're important to me, that I like them, that I care about them.

I, too, fear abandonment and rejection. But my thought process is if I don't tell people how much they mean to me, then they might perceive me as ungrateful or distant...and then I might lose them.

My T and Pdoc have asked me what I would do if I lost either one. I answered honestly. The only thing I don't say to them is that I love them. Now that word I'm afraid would be misunderstood.