[GenCat]

Today, T told me that that from esp the past two months, she has been able to come to the conclusion that I have traits of BPD. And since I can easily relate things back to myself, this place is not a good influence. I think she is right. I relate so much, I can read something someone has gone through and go through it myself. Im a freak and I don't belong anywhere on the internet or in the world.

[Perna]

Then I would use this place to work with that, practice looking at what you think/feel about what you have read and see if you can come to more of your own conclusions. Running away from situations, limiting one's self (not going on the internet, reading any books/magazine, watching TV -- where would it stop? there is only so much limiting one can do. I use to live in my head and it got very very small, crowded, and crazy in there I was much better off working both inside and outside myself instead of trying to do "damage control". If one's thinking/perceptions are off, damage control, doesn't.

[NowhereUSA]

I don't think you're a freak

maybe thru awareness you can figure out how to use this place as a support. does this happen anywhere else? It seems like maybe figuring out how to cope with it would be a good solution. idk. Sorry. rambling :: hugs ::

[melania]

"This place" = forum?

[HazelGirl]

I also think your T isn't a good person for you, GenCat. Did it occur to you that she doesn't want you around people who will tell you to leave her?

[grimtopaz]

I actually think it's good to find a place where you can identify with what folks are saying...it gives you a sense of belonging/a community.

Please don't take what your therapist says as "The Truth", she is a human being who makes mistakes. It's her OPINION, that this place has too much influence (interestingly, it's a place where a lot of folks warn you about her behavior).

I don't know your therapist's intentions, but I'm always weary of when therapists want their patients to ONLY be influenced by THEM. That is, when T's encourage isolation. (I don't know if your therapist is doing this or not, just a general statement). T's are supposed to encourage their patients to develop relationships outside of the therapeutic relationship and NOT be dependent on them.

If you think you have BPD, I think you would benefit from DBT treatment (it's the research gold standard for BPD/emotional dysregulation issues). In a true DBT program, you get individual therapy, group skills-training therapy, AND you can get in touch with a therapist by pager 24/7. These are the "true" DBT programs (somewhat rare since it is difficult to find therapists to be on call 24/7) and they are not covered by all insurances.

You could certainly look into the BPD diagnosis and if it sounds like you, try to find someone who practices DBT. I think everyone could benefit from emotional regulation skills/developing better impulse control.

Again, your therapist is ONE person who has a lot of issues of her own. Be wary of her discouraging you to get second opinions/be exposed to opinions different than hers. A good therapists wants their patients to get all the information they can, and then make their OWN decisions.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by GenCat

Today, T told me that that from esp the past two months, she has been able to come to the conclusion that I have traits of BPD. And since I can easily relate things back to myself, this place is not a good influence. I think she is right. I relate so much, I can read something someone has gone through and go through it myself. Im a freak and I don't belong anywhere on the internet or in the world.

You are not a freak.

If this is the same T you told me about that has driven you to dances and touched you intimately, I very much question her opinion and motives.

Abusers try to isolate their victims. Please don't let yourself become isolated.

Abusers try to erode their victims self-esteem.
Please don't let her talk you into believing that everything is your fault.

You are not bad.

You should be free to ask any question in therapy. If you wonder if you have this or that syndrome, you should be able to discuss these things in a healthy therapeutic relationship.

I have been where you are...and a previous bad PDoc tried the same strategy with me. I was blinded by my positive feelings for him..and by believing that he was the only one who understood me.

I genuinely am concerned for you, Gen.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T found these forums for me... She wanted me to find a place where I could "socialize" a little and maybe relate.

But she also no longer feels it's healthy for me. She kinda just rolls her eyes at me when I mention the forums. So I try to give more support on here than ask for support.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by precaryous

You are not a freak.

If this is the same T you told me about that has driven you to dances and touched you intimately, I very much question her opinion and motives.

Abusers try to isolate their victims. Please don't let yourself become isolated.

Abusers try to erode their victims self-esteem.
Please don't let her talk you into believing that everything is your fault.

You are not bad.

You should be free to ask any question in therapy. If you wonder if you have this or that syndrome, you should be able to discuss these things in a healthy therapeutic relationship.

I have been where you are...and a previous bad PDoc tried the same strategy with me. I was blinded by my positive feelings for him..and by believing that he was the only one who understood me.

I genuinely am concerned for you, Gen.

This is unsettling! I had no idea the t was doing that. i'd be worried too.

someone else mentioned DBT (sorry still figuring out forum stuff). I do DBT for depression and that's kind of why I went with recommending figuring out how to cope with it and re-process and that kind of stuff. the core mindfulness skills are fantastic. i had an off session with my t last week and had some trouble and found a lot of the skills super helpful to get me through the emotions i was feeling.

i'm kind of a dbt nerd though

[CameraObscura]

Can she give you specific reasons why she doesn't think this forum in particular is good for you? Is she trying to get you to not read treatment and illness related things on the internet in general?

I mentioned these forums to my therapist yesterday, and he asked if I minded if he looked it over to see if he thought it was a supportive place (he didn't ask for my username), and to get to know it some. I figure if he has concerns after reading some here, he'll tell me specifically what they are and we'll talk about it. I think that's a reasonable level of concern for a t, and I was touched by it. I would feel differently if he just told me he thought I shouldn't come here.

I would be very wary in a relationship where it seems like the professional boundaries have been blurred. She could be trying to keep you from getting feedback about her behavior, and trying to minimize her risk of exposure/complaint/losing a client.

You aren't bad. If your therapist ever implies that you are a bad person, and at fault for how you feel, run like h*ll.

[-jimi-]

People here tell you you are not a freak.

Therapy makes you feel like a freak.

Guess what I'd quit?

I still have emotional scars from so called therapy, don't start using therapy to hurt and abuse yourself. If you never leave therapy with a lighter mind, something is terribly wrong.

I would echo what others are saying about this T not liking this forum because people here encourage you to see how unhealthy some of her behaviors are.

My T has reservations about the forum sometimes, but also acknowledges that I have developed strong, healthy friendships here. We have discussed being able to take what is good and productive about being on the forum, and leaving the stuff that isn't healthy for me.

[CameraObscura]

I went back and read some more about your relationship with your therapist.

She could lose her license if her confidentiality breaches were reported. I have a lot of strong words about her behavior, but that's neither here nor there. If you want to hear them, I'll share.

She has a clear self-interest in keeping you away from here, where people will point out that she's acting unethically. I don't think you can trust that she is recommending that for your benefit.

I know it's hard to hear people criticize someone who matters so much to you, but I hope you at least make some appointments for consultation with another therapist to evaluate whether she's helping you.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Consistent, clear boundaries and confidentiality are the bedrocks upon which helpful therapy is built.

[grimtopaz]

Originally Posted by CameraObscura

I went back and read some more about your relationship with your therapist.

She could lose her license if her confidentiality breaches were reported. I have a lot of strong words about her behavior, but that's neither here nor there. If you want to hear them, I'll share.

She has a clear self-interest in keeping you away from here, where people will point out that she's acting unethically. I don't think you can trust that she is recommending that for your benefit.

I know it's hard to hear people criticize someone who matters so much to you, but I hope you at least make some appointments for consultation with another therapist to evaluate whether she's helping you.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Consistent, clear boundaries and confidentiality are the bedrocks upon which helpful therapy is built.

I just want to say that this post concisely describes what I think about your relationship with your therapist. GenCat, everytime you post, my heart skips a beat because I generally feel *unsafe* for you. Not physically, but in terms of emotional harm.

I know I don't know what goes on in the therapy sessions, but from what you are describing (again, I don't know her "side"). I think the following has happened:

1. Your T who already has poor boundaries went through a tough time in her life (this is NOT an excuse, all therapists are humans and thus, struggle).
2. She crossed ethical/professional boundaries with you
3. You hinted at beginning to realize this
4. She is freaked out that you might file a complaint or even "abandon her" (she might have attachment/enmeshment issues of her own)
5. She is know "backtracking", either implementing firmer boundaries she didn't implement before, or isolating you from people who are telling you things "against her".

Please think of the following, people in this forum have nothing to gain from being concerned about your therapist. We are neutral strangers. Your therapist, however, has everything to lose. Most importantly, I can tell you know in your "gut" that what folks say here is true. I know it's very scary and overall disappointed. When a T doesn't "live up" to professional standards, it can feel like a betrayal.

[GenCat]

Do you all think I should let my T read this thread?

[grimtopaz]

Originally Posted by GenCat

Do you all think I should let my T read this thread?

It is your decision, as with everything else. I would *predict* (again, I don't know for certain) based on previous behavior she would use it as evidence to support her statement.

Again, while the decision is yours and I am not telling you what to do, what *I* would do, is just take the points from this thread that resonated/made sense to me, and share it with her, so she knew I was communicating MY opinions/needs rather than sharing what "internet people" have to say.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by precaryous

You are not a freak.

If this is the same T you told me about that has driven you to dances and touched you intimately, I very much question her opinion and motives.

There was no intimate touching, just a touch with conversation. Lasted about 2 seconds. And it was only once that she drove me, and once to dance. I feel I don't word things right and they get interpreted differently by others.

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by GenCat

Do you all think I should let my T read this thread?

I'm sorry if I'm mean but this forum is mostly for peer support, not for therapists and I would feel violated if you showed her my stuff, even though it is an open forum.

But that's just me.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

I'm sorry if I'm mean but this forum is mostly for peer support, not for therapists and I would feel violated if you showed her my stuff, even though it is an open forum.

But that's just me.

Technically, anyone can search for anything any of us write here on Google. It's all the internet. Anyone can find it at any point.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by GenCat

There was no intimate touching, just a touch with conversation. Lasted about 2 seconds. And it was only once that she drove me, and once to dance. I feel I don't word things right and they get interpreted differently by others.

Trigger: t abuse details.

Gen, you told me that she drove you to the dance-that she suggested you attend, sat next to you and her hand went down your back and privately touched you. Also that she looked down your blouse. You wrote this to me.

I don't feel anything has been misinterpreted.

[-jimi-]

I'm not saying she cannot do that, but that is how I would feel. Sure everyone can look here and laugh, but if I knew a therapist would look at my post and laugh at it, IDK, it just terrifies me. I know everyone can look but I'd rather not KNOW exactly who is looking.

Sorry if I feel the WRONG thing. Story of my life.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

I'm not saying she cannot do that, but that is how I would feel. Sure everyone can look here and laugh, but if I knew a therapist would look at my post and laugh at it, IDK, it just terrifies me. I know everyone can look but I'd rather not KNOW exactly who is looking.

Sorry if I feel the WRONG thing. Story of my life.

No, don't apologize. I understand. Its hard to know if someone is going to judge you or not. But I think if my T saw this, she wouldn't be focused on one person, rather the whole thread.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by GenCat

Today, T told me that that from esp the past two months, she has been able to come to the conclusion that I have traits of BPD. And since I can easily relate things back to myself, this place is not a good influence. I think she is right. I relate so much, I can read something someone has gone through and go through it myself. Im a freak and I don't belong anywhere on the internet or in the world.

Originally Posted by GenCat

Do you all think I should let my T read this thread?

I see no reason to show her the posts unless you think they will help you illustrate a point. I tend to view this forum as journaling, only with feedback. With such a variety of viewpoints I think it can be really helpful to help us see things from different perspectives. You make the choice how to use this feedback if you use it at all. It's simply another opinion to ponder so instead of showing her the thread, I'd share the conclusion you've come to after reading it yourself.

[grimtopaz]

Originally Posted by GenCat

No, don't apologize. I understand. Its hard to know if someone is going to judge you or not. But I think if my T saw this, she wouldn't be focused on one person, rather the whole thread.

If I may ask, what is your thinking behind showing this thread to your therapist?

Also, in the ideal world, how would she react? And how likely do you think it is she will react as you wish?

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by grimtopaz

If I may ask, what is your thinking behind showing this thread to your therapist?

Also, in the ideal world, how would she react? And how likely do you think it is she will react as you wish?

To prove that its not just me that thinks our relationship is not right. She would react in denial and humor and ask me what ive been saying to you all. I don't wish her to react any way.