It's so stupid...

I miss my t so much right now. this is the most difficult termination I think I've ever had... I can't stop crying, and we are almost at a week since we said goodbye.
I figured out tonight that she was the first person to ever tell me she'd work to keep me safe. It's something I know I had always wished I'd hear from someone, and have them follow through. But she was the first person to ever say it to me, and it meant the world not only at the time, but still. It's stupid because I'm an adult, and she was just my t, but she addressed the little girl in me that never feels safe... and she felt safe with this t. and it sucks so much that I contributed at least in part to her burn-out... and that I won't ever see her again. so the little kid is out again and crying her eyes out coz it doesn't feel safe anymore. we'll have to learn to trust someone else, and it will have to be soon because this month really sucks for everything. and we so don't want to be alone right now, but we very much are... all the emotional flashbacks are hitting hard, and there's no one to call. ...

I'm sorry things are so hard right now, I can't imagine how hard it must feel. I hope that you find a new T soon. Could you perhaps call one of the crisis lines to at least hear another human voice that can listen and support you a wee bit?

Please take care of yourself and keep in touch here......everyone seems so supportive when someone is in need. They'll be along soon surely.

Kind warm to you.

thanks JaneC. i'm really crappy at talking on the phone, especially when I'm crying (can't cry in front of anyone, even on the phone...)... it just all sucks... How are you doing? I know it hasn't been long since you posted your thread...

I'm so sorry.
Why did you have to terminate?
I hope you find some comfort soon and rest. I know it's terribly exhausting and stressful to lose a major support like that.
You might try one of the online chat crisis lines if it's hard to cry while someone can hear you.

CrisisChat - Home

thanks leah. they are closed for the night, but I use them when needed... this t was also the only one I ever let see me cry, or hear me cry (called her once sobbing)... so many firsts and risks taken and trusting, and now it's gone
we terminated because she left the agency. she was burnt-out and needed something "less intense"... there's a lot of guilt around that for me, and a lot of relating (I left a similar job with no notice to my clients because I had a break-down and could no longer function. I have yet to go back to the field) which feeds the guilt... and then there's a bunch of parental-type transferrence going on too... it's a huge mess. I'm a huge mess. :/

finally stopped crying enoug to maybe try to sleep... wish me luck.

This sounds truly so painful Thiswayout. She wasn't "just" a therapist, you clearly both had a really good relationship and that's real. You're grieving for someone who meant a lot to you and that's normal, very normal and very ok too. Be kind to yourself, this is going to take time but it will get better.

Losing a T can feel exactly like grieving the death of a parent, a spouse or even a beloved pet. Heart wrenching. I think your grief should be treated as such. It is exceptionally hard for us, for those, who have some type of attachment and abandonment issues.

I can actually feel your pain. All I have to do is think about when it is time to lose mine.

It's so much worse at night, though I have done my share of crying all day today... I hate grief and loss... I've never been good at dealing with it.
I don't know how to make the time go faster. I don't know why I am so bent on a new T being able to help me through this. I should be able to help myself through this... I should be able to function on my own... I'm just too needy. I rely too much on others because I'm so tired of relying on myself. I don't want to keep having to do it.

Dear This Way Out,

I'm so very sorry for your sense of loss and grief and the pain ya'll are feeling. It is profound and I honestly hate to hear all the 'should's' in your last post. There really is no proper or right way to grieve. Grief is its own process and takes as long as it takes. There is no timeline and absolutely NO SHAME in needing, asking for, and taking extra support. This is a huge loss and your footing has shifted. Of course it is going to be very scary, and I hope you know that you are not alone in any way. We are all here with you, and hopefully your new T and others IRL.

Please be VERY kind and patient with yourself. Cry when you need to, shake when you need to, throw ice at the wall when you need to. Whatever it takes, then that is the very best thing to do. You are very strong but don't realize it. And no matter how much support you need, you are still very much facing this head on and by yourself. You will get through this and it will get a little better with some time and as you begin to heal.

No more 'should's'...okay? How about a little reward once in a while for having such a wonderful heart and the courage and patience to let yourself heal properly. I bet your T would be very proud of you for reaching out for the support you need and acknowledging your own feelings so very well.

Gentle hugs,
Wysteria Blue

I relate so well to being left because of burn out. I am dealing with complicated grief relating to a mentor who left because of it. I understand the guilt and the regret, the feeling like maybe if I had been less needy or relied on him less. And yes, when the transference gets in there, it becomes a huge mess. I am so sorry you are suffering.

I am usually late reading posts and responding, I hope you are through what you were experiencing. I feel you on this 100%. I understand you feeling like "I am an adult and this is just a T." My T. told me a month or so ago she might have to refer me to someone else who works with individuals with DID because she suspects thats what I have.

At that point we had been working together for 4 or 5 months which is the longest time I had ever stayed in therapy. When she told me she might have to refer me out my whole world crumbled. As dramatic as that sounds it's true. It was my mother dumping me off in the orphanage all over again. My father leaving when I was only days old. And a number of abuses I suffered (I'd rather not mention). Needless to say but I will say it anyway I was very attached to this woman who had made my world safe enough to cry for the first time in my 42 years on this earth.

Loss is a difficult thing, I hope you no longer feel like something is wrong with the way you feel about this.

Thanks. It's been better, but there are definitely still struggles. I'm back and forth with how I feel about this new t. The sense of emotional safety is gone, but I'm guessing I'll find it again either with someone else or within myself... I still miss my former t. I miss the connection and that she knew me. Hoping I get there with this new t before I move (which at this point may be next year, so we have plenty of time).

How did things work out for you and your t?

parental transference is perfectly ok you know x

My T. agreed to work with me and " see how it goes". She doesn't specialize in DID. She works with dissociation but not on that level. She will be consulting with someone who does and working under their supervision.