OH the pain is getting unbearable..even the depression that I could hide behind seems a safer place to be...a place where I get to feel pain but not this all emcompassing pain...this pain without an ending...Its attaching itself to everything...I just cant get enought of what it is I seem to want...I want to be merged...I want to be safe and loved wiht a love that isn't available on this earth...only in my mind is it real...I thought of t last night and how can I keep going on knowing she sits there and I sit here...does she know the pain?....i know this can't be just about HER! it must be about someone else??????...I so just want to go too sleep and not wake up to this nightmare life...I want to be unconsious...it hurts to much...and even when I say to T it hurts to much..she just sits and looks at me...I can't do this pain alone!!...I dont want to do this anymore..I can't see no way out..just more and more pain..

Hey. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it :-(

Do you have some self-soothing things that you can do?

- Light some candles and take a long bubble bath

Things like that?

The pain is hard. I have the pain too. I have a longing for merger sometimes too. But sometimes I have an intense fear of merger and intense fears of dependency. Very confusing.

But the pain is hard. Do you feel connected to your therapist sometimes in sessions? I know it can be hard sometimes to sit there in therapy and wish that you felt closer, and to not feel close enough. But are there times that you feel happy in therapy? Emotionally held?

If so...

Can you call them to mind outside therapy in a way that is self-soothing? Imaging having conversations with your therapist and stuff like that?

I don't think it is about your therapist at base...

Do you have any transitional objects that help?

Could you ask your therapist for something? Or if you do mindfulness exercises... Take something along so it becomes associated with your therapist?

Hang in there

(((((Mouse)))))

Thank you ((AK))....i sat this morning crying..wanting a way out of this confusing nightmare...i started writing and ended up writing a 3 page letter to my bio mother...i told her she has 3 wonderful grandchildren and that though we shared somethingn so special, life, we never knew each other...I told her I hoped she didnt drink for the rest of her life and that i hoped if she thought of me it didn't hurt her...i told her we all make mistakes in life just that i'm a mistake that wanted to know her...i felt close to her writing this letter..i felt all the yrs i've denied myself these feelings toward her...i think shes dead now but i think maybe somehow she knows i wrote this letter..

just come back from T. Pain motivating me to be more open. Told her that I feel like I want to be held and rocked by her, but if she attempted to really do that, I would most proberbly bolt for the door.

She said but it seems this is how our relationship is right now, one of soothing and rocking, but with words. Yes thats true, I felt "fed" again once she pointed that out, that at least I know that need of wanting to be held is getting met.

I told her how my step mother was rather proud of the fact that she use to prop me and the bottle so she didnt have to hold me when feeding me. My step mother was always quite proud of that. Then I told T how I feel guilty that I take, take, take and though I know T is doing a job, it still bothers me.

T then said there was something sad and disturbing about the bottle story. She said a baby often interacts with the bottle when being fed, taps it and fingers it, its experimenting with the mother extention. It seems that I wouldn't have had the oppertunity to have done that, and my feeling bad about expecting anything from T is because I feel I should be feeding myself.

I guess thats it, I do struggle with "taking"..anyways I feel better this afternoon.

[lauren_helene]

I'm also sorry that you are feeling this way. I am too. You might want to read the book "In Session - The Bond Between Women and their Therapists."

It is eye opening and it is scary how similar or exact certain feelings are that are in that book!

Having said that, I guess my T would say this is about my dad but to me it is about my T. I like him and don't want to leave...ever

[sunrise]

alameda, I also read the "In Session" book and highly recommend it. It made me feel I was not alone in my special bond with my T. Because I was feeling pretty overwhelmed by it and like, hey, this must not be normal. But I found out it was.

[Talulah]

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mouse_ said:
just come back from T. Pain motivating me to be more open. Told her that I feel like I want to be held and rocked by her, but if she attempted to really do that, I would most proberbly bolt for the door.

She said but it seems this is how our relationship is right now, one of soothing and rocking, but with words. Yes thats true, I felt "fed" again once she pointed that out, that at least I know that need of wanting to be held is getting met.

............my feeling bad about expecting anything from T is because I feel I should be feeding myself.

I guess thats it, I do struggle with "taking"..anyways I feel better this afternoon.

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Hey mouse
I want to say how courageous you are for talking about this with your T!! I really also liked her response to what you had to say. Sounds like she's really open to "hearing" you and providing a very safe place for you so i hope this continues for you...

Maybe you have a hard time letting ppl "care" for you and I can quite understand after what you said about the baby bottle. It's like you desperately want someone (Your T?) to care and then you don't want or need them to and you get confused by this. At least that's how it seems to me...I'm having similar experiences...it's very weird and unnerving. But yea, you have to care about you overall, and imo, that's the toughest ya know?

I am happy you're sharing this, as I can relate and it's kind of inspiring how you said what you said to your t.

[lauren_helene]

I love your quote Sunrise....and yes they are experts!

I couldn't do their job. I'd be crossing boundaries all over the place making friends with all the patients...giggle

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mouse_ said:
just come back from T. Pain motivating me to be more open. Told her that I feel like I want to be held and rocked by her, but if she attempted to really do that, I would most proberbly bolt for the door.


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Mouse, I admire you so much for telling your T this. I often feel like this when I'm in T, but at this point, I am nowhere near ready to open up like that. It's great to have been able to read this and see that someone else feels this way, and was able to open up as well.

that sounds like a really cool session.

that was cool what she said about how there can be soothing and rocking with words rather than touch. i think that is right. that is how my therapy goes too. last time i felt the shame (a little). and he just sat there with me. and projected empathy or something. and i felt emotionally held. even though he was across the room from me. felt held. and really had no desire that he be closer than he was.

do you get that feeling of being emotionally held in session? if so... then can you conjour up the image out of session? that is part of what it is to start to internalise the caring, you see. part of good self-soothing / self care too. to use those internal images / memories / fantasies / to self soothe.

(((mouse)))

Wow! I think you are so good at being aware of your feelings and expressing them. To be able to tell your T face to face that you wish to be held and rocked by her is just so wonderful for you. I'm so glad you had that experience with her of saying it to her and hearing her response.

((( holding & rocking )))

[January]

((((((((( Mouse ))))))))))

I am so very proud of you.

Hugs,

Jan