Leaving first... why?

Just wondering...

I read a couple of times that quite a few people would rather leave therapy first when they fear they're getting too attached or that their T might 'abandon' them (even if it would simply be by going on vacation).

What do you think this is all about?

Trying to avoid abandonment by being the first to walk out?
Trying to show yourself or your T that you're strong enough to handle this?
Rather blaming yourself for leaving than being stood up?
Choosing the short pain?
...

I think it depends on the person.

I know when those thoughts come over me, it's mostly because I'm afraid that she is about to abandon me and so it's easier if I do it first. But that's just me.

I also sometimes freak out and debate quitting when I realize how dependent I am on her. It's like I am terrified she will let me down in one way or another and I am in danger for trusting her.

For me it was my way of protecting myself. That she would hurt me like I was hurt in my original relationships with mom and dad. This is how I approached all relationships with lovers, friends, etc. as an adult. Why should I trust her. It was her job to just be there for me, and have no expectations of me until I could let myself be vulnerable, and that was not easy for me. Trust her, I did, and she proved she was worthy of my trust. Our relationship, became the model for me to build new relationships, and reconfigure old relationships, even dump some unhealthy ones, allowing me to have rich encounters with family, friends, and coworkers. Are they always perfect? No, but I don't hide myself away anymore. One of the unhealthy relationships I let go of was a client that I referred to her. She was tenuous n her guidance of me. I will always be grateful.

Yeah, I think it could be different things... for me, maybe self-esteem and self-protection (like Goingtogetthere mentioned). If T (or anyone!) abandons me - that's rejection. That makes me feel pretty awful - like I'm not a worthwhile human and like no one will ever love me or care about me (yikes!!!). But if I walk out first, that doesn't apply. I might feel a little wimpy for walking out, but... it's still better than the awfulness.

I'm wondering too if it's something to do with "control". Feeling like you're on the brink of being abandonned means you don't have control - something external may or may not happen that would upset your equilibrium. By walking out, you get to be in control. That can feel better...

I agree it depends on the person, but for me the urge to leave therapy, or any close relationship for that matter, is to avoid the agony of rejection. If I made the decision first, then the T (or whoever else) doesn't have the chance to reject me.

having had to do both, i find it is hard either way. The one time T and I mutually terminated, I got into a horrible panic about what would happen in the final session that I ended up in the ER. and that was that. When I thought I would have to leave with others I'd cry and cry.... and then eventually when the time came, it really wasn't so hard. I'd "grown out" of that T or... I needed a different speciality. Sudden departures of T's are really difficult. The new one I am with seems like she might retire at any moment... so I am not too willing to invest too much in to her. That way, when she gets around to announcing she's quitting (if I haven't left her by then because I think she's a headcase), i won't be shocked or upset.

If all you’ve ever known in life is being rejected/left/hurt by people you got attached too (despite their promises to stick by you or never to hurt you etc.), 'tis better to run for the hills at the mere notion of forming an attachment.

Attachment would be like an invitation to repeat this pattern of rejection. It’s like you taking the risk of opening your heart up, only for them to, inevitably, plunge daggers in.

my new t just said on wed that she's just waiting for retirement. (I had figured as much). I was already in a snarky mood, so i raised an eyebrow and said "and when will that be?" she said "eh about 2 years - i'll give you plenty of warning". I was thinking "Keep your bags packed....I won't be here to warn."

I can understand the compunction to want to leave first to not get abandoned, or to hurt rather than be hurt.

I guess I look at this in terms of learning how to be in healthy relationships in therapy in order to be in healthier relationships IRL.

Is it better to discuss the fear, relate to the other person, prepare for change, make sure that my "assumptions" about what "might" happen are true or false, and agree on a good course of action.
How would I prefer to be treated?

Or do I just leave because something bad "might" happen?

Change is scary. Leaving or being left hurts. Endings are painful.
What lesson do we really want to learn and what better place to learn how to handle the hard, the scary and the painful than in therapy?

I'm just saying that this is a big issue and the potential for hurt is large and it needs to be thought through carefully. If my pattern is running, I'd rather learn a better way with my T then someone unsafe.

Wysteria

Absolutely agree on that. It's as if, when something 'might happen' and we run away, we avoid it. But we don't. We only fool ourselves, I guess. Give ourselves the impression that we made the decision, that we have some power over this situation.

On the other hand... when I read your question 'How would I prefer to be treated?' I realized that running away can turn against you too... You can start to feel guilty about how you 'solved' things. Well, after all, by running away you actually didn't. Realizing this is not a nice thing to do, I think.
So yes, it's better to learn from this in therapy... in a healthy, supporting way.

Dear Forward In Reverse,

Having BPD, I am also very aware of being "abandoned" and thus the question about 'how would I prefer to be treated" as both the therapist or person IRL being left behind because of fear in others...as well as what you mentioned in terms of the effects on myself in leaving.

I hope you didn't hear any judgments, I was just simply trying to look at it from multiple perspectives, even that of my T. We have a partnership and we are emotionally invested in progress and the relationship. It has taken so long to gain a sense of comfort through trust and honesty.

It is just NOT a simple dilemma and emotions run high when so much fear is involved. It takes courage and heart no matter what happens. I really respect the thought process and desire to find the "right" course for healing.

Respectfully,

Wysteria Blue

i grew up where i had to say goodbye. a lot. because of the nature of the moving that we did, it felt a lot like i had entire communities just disappear. it was a sort of death. except there were no memorials. no mourning. just me. we did it so frequently that i became afraid to need anyone. this was before the internet, back when the only way to talk to someone internationally was to pay for a very expensive phone card. it devastated me. i learned very early about that kind of pain. plus since i was always the new kid, i got bullied (full on at least once with a girl that liked to punch me).

now i have lost some part of me. idk. think of an old phone charger. i've had one's grow worn and so you're jiggling them and trying to place them just right so they'll charge because the wires are all wonky. i guess that's me. an old charger that struggles to make connections.

i don't want to need someone more than they need me. trusting people means they will use that information against you.

so often times i think i'll just stop therapy one day. disappear. goodbyes only hurt anyway and then it'll be on my terms.

My T just told me that I have transference. I'm scared to death because I've read some people never get over it. So, yes, sometimes it seems it would be easier to stop now that let the feelings possibly get stronger and then leave.

Just wondering, because I try to understand...
But what would it bring you if the goodbye is on your terms?

well there wouldn't be one. i'd just go. it let's me not have to deal with all the goodbyes i've said. i have so much grief there that every time i have to say goodbye, i end up sobbing for all the goodbyes. so i just don't say them anymore. i just leave. so maybe safety? control? power?

For me I think it's the fact that I want it to be over asap maybe... When I know that a goodbye is coming up, I'd rather leave immediately.

I read somewhere (an article from a therapist) that a lot of clients don't show up for their last sessions anymore. So it seems to be quite common though.
So for me, maybe it's simply about choosing the 'short pain'. Waiting for something you know will happen anyway is just... terrible!
(I'm waiting for a surgery and painful recovery and I'd rather have it here and now... guess it's quite similar, hehe).

i think that's part of me too. no point in dragging out the hurt.