I feel insane and completely stupid. I should be feeling better. My T, who I've been seeing for almost a year now, even said that I have come long way and she loves to see the maturity I have developed. She said "I'm watching you grow up in front of me". I love that.

.......but then why do I want to commit suicide???

I'm getting back in school. I just recently finished a two month program for school so I can get my foot in the door and start working in the field I'm pursuing a degree in and I took the state exam just yesterday. I passed! I have my next appt with T on Wednesday. I don't know how to walk in and tell her that I passed my exam, I'm ready to start back school, but I'm still thinking of suicide?

[growlycat]

Some of us equate "getting better" as "losing emotional support from others".

After all getting better can lead to the end of therapy. It can feel like "what's the point if I lose someone who cares about me."

I hope you can tell your T how you feel. My T was really skilled at letting me know he would be there even if I got better.

[Sometimes psychotic]

So I'm coming from a totally different place than you but you might be able to relate to this. It was not until I was in recovery that I realized by comparison exactly how bad things were and how sick I was and I never wanted to risk going back to that way of living ever again so I had things as a back up plan.

Should by the way have a trigger icon on this post the red icon with a black x like I have on this one. Unless you are ready to wake up in an ER strapped to your bed and taken involuntary to psych I would try to find a way to beat this even if it means telling your T and going in to voluntary hospitalization....

[HazelGirl]

Self-sabotage?

I do the same thing. The better my life is going, the more suicidal I feel. I don't feel like I deserve the good things, like the things I have are temporary and transient and will be taken away once I'm "bad" again. So I punish myself by emotionally beating myself up and end up suicidal.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you are strugglign with this right now. It can be scary to get that far in planning. If it seems more immenant, could you at least call a crisis line or your T to get some help?

I can relate... and HazelGirl put it really well... I sabotage myself because I'm afraid of continually failing again, so I do it on purpose...
Also, the thought of losing a support once I am "better" does come into play once in a while. So far though, the T I had at the moment when that happened was really good about saying she'd still be there as support.

[NowhereUSA]

don't feel insane or stupid. has the stress gotten to you maybe? idk. i relied on suicidal ideation to get me through high school, then college, then the early years of marriage that it's like a well worn path in my brain. when i'm under stress i literally wish i had a gun in my hand to blow my brains out and i can almost imagine the weight of it, the feel of it...

yeah it's bad for me.

right now i have ppd (we think? idk) so i'm just a SUI mess lol.

[guilloche]

Hi Kneehole... I'm sorry you're struggling right now too. Especially in light of your accomplishments - congratulations on passing your test!

How long until your next T appointment? Can you keep yourself safe until then? Do you have a way to reach out to your T now... rather than wait? Even if it's an email? Maybe if you can give her a heads-up on what's going on, it will be easier to talk about in person (since you'll know that she already knows, it won't feel so much like dropping a huge surprise on her)?

Please stay safe... (hugs)