[JaneC]

This time is killing me!! My boy is away as some of you know, haven't heard from him now in 3 days, and top that with 2 sessions this week with my T that have been freakin excruciating!!!

I once again apologised to my T today for being a huge pain in the a s s! He told me he didn't see it that way. That he saw that I am in pain, and terrified of being hurt again so am protecting myself using the only way I know how.

I just don't want to feel, and I know I need to. He told me that he knows that he can help me, that he wants to, but that I have to let him in.I am just soo afraid to.....it is killing me! So instead I am just all defensive and closed off.

I blurted out..... "What do you think of me? Do you think I am bad? Do you even like me? And depending what you say to that, is there anything I could do or say here that may change how you see me now?" FLIP!!!

After he said he was "choosing to withhold his answer" while he tried to get me to talk about why I needed to know, I tried but it was a mess......I just withdrew even more. I couldn't look at him, couldn't talk....felt soo stuck. It was a nightmare, I just wanted to leave. Eventually, after me not talking for what felt like forever...... he told me "Jane, I care about you, I like you and I want to help you. I see that you feel you have such deep emotional scars that are so ugly that if you show them to anyone, to me, that you will be judged as badly as you have been in your past. ......" And more, but I blanked out and just was fighting back tears, so I can't remember anything.

I'm just in need of some support please, I feel quite overwhelmed and very alone. I don't know what to think about what he said. I don't know how to take the next step, what the next step even is. I don't know how to allow myself to FEEL the emotions and not push them away, how to begin to talk.

How? How do you get past such a strong urge to protect yourself? Does anyone else struggle with this, or is it just me? It can't be right?

I am a bit of a mess, it's a hard time so sorry for taking up so much space here.....and thanks if you do read my next chapter(it's so freakin long).

[HazelGirl]

I feel the same way quite often. For me, it just took time. I couldn't force myself to trust my T, and I still struggle greatly with it. But it does get easier. Eventually, you will be able to trust a little more, and a little more, and a little more, until you have the ability to be really open. Even saying what you did showed a lot of trust and risk, and it shows that you are improving in your trust with him. But it will take time until it's not so terrifying. You're in one of the hardest parts of therapy: just starting to really trust, and all the terror and confusion that comes with that.

[JaneC]

Time.....how long? My T mentioned the 18 months we have been working together today and all I could say was .... I'm sorry, I know I should be further ahead by now, I am trying, I really am.

It was pitiful!! No matter that he tried to reassure me that he wasn't meaning I hadn't done enough work, rather that I had done a lot!

Yes it is terrifying........

[Aloneandafraid]

Hi Jane - I am in a very similar place to you too. It is so painful. I totally understand everything you wrote in your post. I too have been seeing my T for around 18 months and I too am in this place and I know how terrifying it is. I am feeling overwhelmed today as my T is away for 8 weeks and it has hit me just how reliant I am on her and on our weekly meetings. It is pitiful.

You are doing so amazingly well, especially with your son being away at the moment. I have read your posts and i have huge admiration for you - you are really doing so well. I wish you could see how well you are doing, what amazing progress you have made and what an amazing T you have. He really is there for you. I know it is difficult to see when you are in the midst of it...

Take good care - keep posting.

[JaneC]

Hi Alone, I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time, it's awful when your T is away huh. Here is a kind for you.

Thanks for reading my posts. It's interesting that you see I'm making progress, I feel I have but not hugely obvious ones. And I think on many levels I do believe I have a great T, you are right he really is there for me. It just seems like such a terrifying jump to take to get into deeper stuff still.

Take good care won't you? And I hope you are doing some nice things for yourself while your T is away hun.

Originally Posted by JaneC

I blurted out..... "What do you think of me? Do you think I am bad? Do you even like me? And depending what you say to that, is there anything I could do or say here that may change how you see me now?" FLIP!!!

After he said he was "choosing to withhold his answer" while he tried to get me to talk about why I needed to know, I tried but it was a mess......I just withdrew even more. I couldn't look at him, couldn't talk....felt soo stuck. It was a nightmare, I just wanted to leave. Eventually, after me not talking for what felt like forever...... he told me "Jane, I care about you, I like you and I want to help you. I see that you feel you have such deep emotional scars that are so ugly that if you show them to anyone, to me, that you will be judged as badly as you have been in your past. ......" And more, but I blanked out and just was fighting back tears, so I can't remember anything.

How? How do you get past such a strong urge to protect yourself? Does anyone else struggle with this, or is it just me? It can't be right?

You just did... Session by session you push yourself a little past your comfort zone. If I'm remembering right on another thread you mentioned wondering what your T thought of you and if it would change if he knew stuff you hadn't talked about yet... And you asked! Great work!

It is very hard... It won't be pretty ...and it will feel terrifying... But it is progress! It's not just you...I have gone/still am going through it...

[someone321]

Unfortunately I cannot answer your questions as I still haven't found the answer... But I definitely can relate... I have no idea why it is so difficult to past such a strong urge to protect ourselves, or maybe I know, because in the past it was not worth it? It only caused the damage and not relief? But I don't know what to do to in order to stop protecting just in case... On my last session I actually admitted that I hate when people are nice to me, it makes me anxious as I only wait to find out why actually they are nice, no one is nice without a hidden reason, right?

I think that you have a very good T and it is great that he told you all these things because I believe that he said what he believed in - he didn't have to say anything, right? But I would also "freak out" after hearing something like that, it is so difficult to allow ourselves feeling... Thus, for sure, you are not alone!

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Time.....how long? My T mentioned the 18 months we have been working together today and all I could say was .... I'm sorry, I know I should be further ahead by now, I am trying, I really am.

It was pitiful!! No matter that he tried to reassure me that he wasn't meaning I hadn't done enough work, rather that I had done a lot!

Yes it is terrifying........

I could never have said what you said to your T at 18 months. I still can't say it at over 2 years. My T knows, because I've mentioned it. But I haven't been able to have a conversation about it. I dissociate and have emotional flashbacks and end up hearing criticism and judgment where there is none, which obviously causes problems.

[JaneC]

I think, and know, in my logical mind that he is a great T and in that part of my mind I believe him. I believe that I can trust him. I believe that he is honest with me, he appears so far to have never lied.

In answer to my question if there was anything I could say that would change how what he thinks about me.....he said probably yes. But we can't know and also can't expect to have a relationship(a therapeutic one) or any relationship without hurt from time to time. But if it happened he would work on it with me to resolve it.

It is just in my emotional mind........I can't make that connection. I am soo afraid.

PS; Its late, my son is not in his bed where he belongs, he is on the other side of the world and I MISS HIM SOOOOOO MUCH right now, my heart fees like it will break.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I could never have said what you said to your T at 18 months. I still can't say it at over 2 years. My T knows, because I've mentioned it. But I haven't been able to have a conversation about it. I dissociate and have emotional flashbacks and end up hearing criticism and judgment where there is none, which obviously causes problems.

Hazel sorry you have this too. What part of what I said is it that you can't?

I did all of those things Hazel. I was zoned out. I was hearing all of the critical voices in my head "you're just a sniveling mess, stop it" etc. I had horrible feelings in my body, then none. All of the above in a short hour.....well ended up being 70 minutes......it is exhausting huh?

[someone321]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Hazel sorry you have this too. What part of what I said is it that you can't?

I did all of those things Hazel. I was zoned out. I was hearing all of the critical voices in my head "you're just a sniveling mess, stop it" etc. I had horrible feelings in my body, then none. All of the above in a short hour.....well ended up being 70 minutes......it is exhausting huh?

It is very exhausting... I had such session on Tuesday and it was a nightmare, I had to ground myself every 5 minutes during the session and still was pretending that everything was fine and I had no idea why I actually was in therapy But then I went back on Thursday and now I feel much better, I hope that you can work this through with your T and you'll also find some "peace"..

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Hazel sorry you have this too. What part of what I said is it that you can't?

I did all of those things Hazel. I was zoned out. I was hearing all of the critical voices in my head "you're just a sniveling mess, stop it" etc. I had horrible feelings in my body, then none. All of the above in a short hour.....well ended up being 70 minutes......it is exhausting huh?

Asked the questions about whether my T dislikes me or hates me. I couldn't be that trusting and open. It's gotten better because at least I can sort of bring it up, but like I said, dissociation, flashbacks, problems.

[coolibrarian]

This isn't a competition to see who can complete therapy the quickest! There's no standard time period to get through our issues. The problems didn't appear overnight, so they need more than overnight to resolve. I'm in therapy more than 20 years. Don't shame yourself because you're taking "too long" to get well. Love yourself more.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Cherbiej

This isn't a competition to see who can complete therapy the quickest! There's no standard time period to get through our issues. The problems didn't appear overnight, so they need more than overnight to resolve. I'm in therapy more than 20 years. Don't shame yourself because you're taking "too long" to get well. Love yourself more.

Pretty sure I wasn't making it a competition. I was asking for support at a time when I am feeling pretty overwhelmed and struggling. I also asked for ideas on specific questions....... How to get past the need to protect myself so strongly, etc. Sorry if you felt it was turning it into a competition. I think perhaps you misunderstood.

And yes, love myself more.......so easy to say.

[coolibrarian]

No, I meant...don't feel bad because you think you should have made more progress in therapy "by now." It takes as long as it takes. Be kind to yourself.