Double Checking with T

Do you have trouble double-checking with T whether you have understood them correctly? Are you able to stop in the midst of an emotional session and say, "This is what I heard you say, is that what you meant?"

Back in a thread, "When To Tell," I was told I was predicting, interpreting and mind reading what I thought T had said about several issues. I was feeling anxious about the issues. Several posters helped me by saying my mind-reading was making my anxiety worse. Go back and ask T.

Well, today I asked T if I had heard her correctly. I found out that, no, I had not.
I am relieved. We cleared up several issues today.

I hope I'll get better at double-checking with T.... with practice.

Thanks, you guys,
Pre

I'm so glad to hear you did that and it went well!!!

I have been through this with my therapist, and sometimes it's been very difficult. The more painful and defensive I feel about the topic, the harder it gets, but I have found it helpful. It's easy to misinterpret when we're very very upset and in an unfamiliar setting like therapy versus with someone who's not usually doing a blank-slate or other routine.

generally i am able to be like 'i have no idea what you just said.' sometimes i have not and i have had to go back later and be like, 'you said x, what did you mean?' but he is always forthcoming

great job on asking. i hope it gets easier for you.

I'm glad you ere able to get that cleared up. I generally have trouble asking in the moment, but can go back the next session, our wrote to t to ask I'd I understood correctly.

that happened to me the other evening, what she had said was not what I heard, and I didn't even realize what I had heard until later that night, and I had to email her to clear up if what I heard was what she meant, and it wasn't what she meant at all. It's so hard to ask but I'm glad I did too. good going!!

My ability to do this varies immensely depending on my emotional state and what else is going on, and probably the context of the conversation. Often at some level I know I'm not hearing correctly but I can't seem to stop the slide and take time to check; and suffer the consequences for it ... then usually try to correct my misinterpretation as soon as possible. That's really good you were able to talk about what you thought you heard and discuss that with your T.

My first T used to often ask me

"What did you hear me say?"

when she could see my reaction didn't fit her comments, which helped a lot some of the time ... and was erm irritating at other times

Almost never in the middle of session. But after I have had some time, yes, I can.

I often repeat back a few words, or use a few words of the question in my answer to him to make sure I'm on the right track.

I had similar problems with misunderstandings not just with T but he suggested I might have a language disorder so I went to see a Speech pathologist and I had an auditory memory processing problem where I only process between 60-80% of what I hear and my brain fills in the rest with whatever info it has access to. Maybe this is worth exploring.

It never occurs to me in the session that I could have misheard and misunderstood. I just don't think in those terms, not in the moment. Sometimes I can ask him about it in a later session.

My T is frequently asking me "what did you hear right now" or "what were you hearing". So yep, I often misinterpret things. I am getting better at acknowledging it when he asks, and very occasionally have been able to ask, 'wait, what did you say" or "what do you mean by that".

I have reactions to words and phrases that he uses because they seem to mean other things to me, and he has even told me that he has discussed in supervision my sensitivity to language and how he can be more mindful of my needs. Weird!

Yes, I had a hard time with this, would talk and T would respond and then I would continue on without "acknowledging" what T had said and that it related to what I had said and was talking about. Essentially I was just going with what was sparked in my head but, unfortunately, T couldn't know what was in my head/doing the sparking We spent quite a few months with T making me stop, say something about what she'd said indicating I had heard it, and then I could talk again. When anxious, it is so easy for me to just keep moving along in my own fantasy world of what I am thinking/anxious about without letting the actual world and what's really happening, in.

I need time to process the session, too. It's rare for me to be able to check what she means in the middle of a session...especially if it's an emotional one.
It's difficult to double-check sometimes. In my case, I *thought* I knew what she had said or meant at the time, so it didn't occur to me to check with her. But When I asked about several issues yesterday, I found I was interpreting her words, lack of words, her "sigh" ..or other mannerisms negatively...and she didn't mean them that way at all.

I do often ask to see when the woman admits to mocking me. Or to ask if she thinks she is being funny. She is not forthcoming with why she asks thing or says things. So I ask her not to talk. But when she does, I do stop an attempt to clarify. It is just that she usually refuses. So I go check with other therapists who are more forthcoming- if a therapist does X - why?

Learning to do this in the moment can save a lot of grief and anxiety. I think this is one of the ways CBT techniques (and I'd imagine DBT techniques) has helped me because I've learned to pay much more immediate attention to what I am thinking in the moment and to check that with T in the moment rather than sitting on it and letting it fester.

That's good practice irl, as well. Sometimes, if I think of it, and hadn't on spot, may ask for clarification. Feels good, don't it?

It's a lesson in being assertive

For me it's usually not a matter of not thinking it's ok to ask, or being too shy to do it. I simply do not reflect in terms of "I wonder if he actually means x". That applies in and outside therapy: unless we are discussing some subject that I have a lot of knowledge about, it usually doesn't occur to me that there could be more than one way to interpret something until I think about it afterwards.

Is this something that can actually be learnt? If so, how?

This is a big one for me. Because I'm very hyper-vigilant , I misinterpret a lot and I'm too afraid to "challenge" him on things he says.

I'm going to ask him next session what he's getting at with something he's has been talking about lately.