Scared of tomorrow!

***TRIGGER WARNING FOR SI AND SUI***

I see my T tomorrow and I'm so scared. I'm in a lot of trouble because of how bad I SI'ed last week. I'm in so much trouble that my T wants to talk to my fiance (something she said she will never do!)

I'm so worried about tomorrow! Being in trouble, having my fiance there, and it being the last time I see my T before her vacation... I worry it's going to be a bad session and I will have to "sit with my feelings" for 2 weeks as my T will be w/o phone service. Plus all my other stressors and the fragile state I'm in. And to top it all off it's my b-day this week and my 2 families refuse to be together on my b-day!

I hate holidays, vacations, and b-days! Life seems to always throw everything at me during these times.

And ALL my docs want me hospitalized or in a crisis house... They're right. That's where I need to be. But having a b-day in one of those places? Geez...life would suck even more. And they wonder why I'm struggling.

I feel like the walls are closing all around me and I'm suffocating. I put all my energy into fighting my insurance and I don't have much strength left to fight for my life. I'm trapped. If I reach out for support then I will be seen as too attached, and my Pdoc and T will distance themselves from me... And probably force hospitalization. If I don't reach out, I'm not being open and honest, I become untrustworthy, and risk the chance of another breakdown.

This is why my sui thoughts are so bad. This is why I SI'ed. I don't know which direction to turn. But yet I'm in trouble. I keep getting "the look". You know, the one where they tilt their head down and then look up at you with their eyes. They can't say they're mad or disappointed. They can't punish me anymore than I punish myself. But nothing stops them from "the look".

I just want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over. Or to know what is the right direction.

The sad thing...after all if this...I'm now looking forward to my T's vacation. Sure I will miss her, worry about her, and struggle. But maybe, if I survive her vacation, maybe we can have a fresh start? Maybe she will forgive me? Maybe I just need a break from everything? Idk. I just am scared of how I'm going to survive.

i know it's terrifying to think about your fiance knowing but your fiance is the ideal person to let into this dark place you're at. when i was dealing with si and sui, my t talked with my husband and was able to explain what was going on and that i was just trying to survive. it's been a rocky road, but a good one, and now i find that the love and support i need i can find right here at home. it's not always easy and sometimes he gets tired, but i get texts like 'i just read about someone struggling with marriage and mental illness. i'm so glad i married you. i love you.'

my t was able to help me create a safe space with my husband. and while it was infinitely terrifying it has been deeply rewarding. i won't say it's easy. i'll just say it's worth it.

you are not a failure for SI or sui. you are doing the best you can with what you have. you are trying to survive and that is good. that is noble. that is brave. the coping mechanisms may not be healthy but they can be altered, they can retrained, new methods can be learned and just like walking sometimes you'll fall over but that doesn't make you a failure. it makes you human. i don't shame my toddler for falling on his behind when he tries a shaky step. i can't imagine shaming someone trying to learn how to cope with intense emotions in a healthy, effective manner.

have you thought about dbt? because of my si and sui i was referred to dbt and honestly, it helped me a great deal.

trust your t and your fiance. sure, your t can only say so much, but consider opening up and letting your fiance be there for you. vulnerability is scary. i hope you are able to get the help you need and can find room to breathe.

My T said she wants to talk to my fiance so we can come up with a plan for both my fiance and I to work as a team to help me while he also benefits. She's also mad at my fiance because he's actually supportive of my SI. How deep I went this time upset him, but he actually gave me permission to continue so long as it's never deep...

And yes, I'm looking into DBT. I have found a group, but there's not enough people yet because everyone's on vacation. My T is trying to talk to the DBT person to see if he can help me some while we're waiting for the group to form up. My T told me I HAVE to go to DBT now. She doesn't care if I go "kicking and screaming; I'm going...

lol, well i find dbt most effective if there's willingness is your t a dbt trained t? idk. my t never got angry about my si and he never tried to stop me. instead he took a nonjudgmental stance to help me see that while it was effective in the short term it wasn't effective in the long term. he never expressed disappointment or anger. i could tell he was hurting with how much i was hurting, but rather than force me to give up my comfort he slowly, over time, worked with me to try better.

it made me feel safe showing him, telling him. and then it helped me be safe with my husband.

i guess it took away the shame factor. i'm repeating dbt to help with sui and ppd. my group ts often repeat 'we believe you are here because you want to be. we believe you are doing the best you can in the situation you're in." and in both groups that i've been part of that non-judgmental stance has been so freeing. in group you would call it your 'target behavior' (they don't want to trigger other people, so you go over it with your individual t).

anyway. i'm just telling you what i've learned. you're doing the best you can. so is your fiance.

My T is not DBT trained. It's weird...she says she admires Linehan, but at the same time she doesn't agree with DBT. So why is she encouraging me to go? Because she believes that learning new skills will be a benefit to me. That it will provide me with a sense of structure and some socialization. Plus, I have already learned most the common coping skills from past therapy. And I think I'm overwhelming her a little with the borderline symptoms (that's just a guess). Also, my Pdoc and insurance wants me in DBT. 3 against 1...they win. I am willing, just not wanting per se. Especially since I have to pay out of pocket, and it involves a group aspect.

The group aspect is unnerving at first but if you can have an open mind it really does help. You might think about getting a DBT trained t. I've found that incredibly helpful and supportive. A well trained DBT t is so good at reinforcing the skills without shaming. Anyway not trying to be pushy just trying to encourage you. Feel free to pm me if you want gory details

You could postpone your birthday until after the holidays and celebrate it on your terms. The families don't have to be together. Double the parties and cakes for you.

Hey, just wanted to say hang on in there and please don't put additional stress on yourself by thinking you have to make your birthday "work" for the two families! You don't have to spend your birthday with them if they put more strain on you. Maybe you can plan on doing something just with your fiance. For me that's often what works best. When I'm in a bad place, I don't want to have to "celebrate" this day, so we just do something very normal to get away from all those people who make birthdays into such a big deal.
(((hugs)))

I don't want or expect a celebration. I was just hoping to have dinner with everyone at a restaurant

My fiance's family doesn't want to have dinner with my family. So we changed up the dinner plans for my family on my b-day and my fiance's family the day after. And last night my mom called and said dinner on my b-day night won't work!?!?

I told my fiance that he has to figure it all out; I can't deal with it. I also told him for now on, he schedules my b-day. But I also made it clear: by the time we have a child, our families better get used to being together because I'm not going to stand for this s***.

So I guess my fiance and I will be having a dinner by ourselves. That's okay. Like some of you suggested, it's probably for the best. Least he won't stress me out.

So today actually went good. I got lucky and got to see my T for 75 mins instead of 45mins. Having my fiance there wasn't too bad, but it was still weird.

So I asked my T if I could let go of the insurance burden, stop worrying about it for now, but to not take it as me giving up. She said I could

We also talked about my Pdoc saying I need to distance myself from my T. She said I need to let go of everything that I feel is threatening our relationship. She said I will know when it's time to create some distance because she will talk about it with me.

We talked about why people are giving me the disappointed look. She said it's because everyone sees such potential in me. I agreed, but told her that people often forget the pain I suffer. Her response was that I did a good job reminding everyone of that last week

She also told me I need to stop listening to everyone and trying to make them happy. She said her, my Pdoc, my primary doc, and my fiance are the only opinions I should listen to.

The next 12 days, I want to prove to my T that I do have the ability to take care of myself. I felt really bad that she felt like crying because of what I did last week. I know I hurt people, but that was not my intention. I think that instead of over extending myself, I'm just going to relax and try be more aware of my emotional state. She also told me to read a book: The Scared Soul. Even though I normally lack the concentration to read, I'm going to try.

Oh yeah, I got told again I'm going to DBT...even if that means she has to be available to me 24/7. I think that alone explains exactly how she feels about me. I don't want to research anything about DBT yet though. I think I would be more open-minded if I go in w/o any expectations. I just keep telling myself: "It's a class; not a group." I like learning so it makes me feel a little more comfortable.

Ty all for the hugs and support! The countdown for Aug 5th begins...

yay! i'm so glad to hear it went well and that you took your fiance. your t sounds very supportive.

and you know what, dbt is SO much like a class. at least mine is. we share how we used our skills and then we learn new skills. i hope you'll share about how it goes for you. i think it's good not to necessarily research ahead of time. some of the skills on paper sound 'uhhh wat?!' but if you hear a t explain them they make more sense.