so stuck... attachment/neediness/transference... how to break out??

Background: I'm in the 8th month of therapy with the only T I've ever felt comfortable with. In the past I've seen a few others with not much connection or length of treatment.

So my situation with this T is that I have very strong feelings!! Toward him, about him?? I'm female and he's male but it's not sexual or at least it's mostly something else, so I guess I need to label this attachment or transference. When I'm away from him I feel ok thinking about this somewhat intense relationship (from my perspective) and it seems like I will be able to address it in person... then... nope! I get sooo freaked out in front of him and do anything to avoid talking about it. This is driving me crazy, pretty much literally! I have past trauma (even though I hate that word) and a messed up family of origin. I feel very scared about being too needy/intense with my T.

So my question is... has anyone been through this "awkward" therapy phase of avoiding the topic of your strong feelings for your T (possibly for months!), then making it through that and having a better experience afterward? I'm trying to convince myself that it will be worth the anguish of talking about what seems impossible to even bring up, in order to start doing the real work.

Thanks so much for reading I really appreciate this community!

What you're describing is extremely common, and you're only eight months in, so it's completely understandable that you're struggling to deal with the intensity and to even bring up the topic. I have this type of intense feeling toward my therapist too- in my case, she's a motherly figure to me (it's called transference, the way that I shift my need for a mother-figure in my life to her), and that can be very very powerful sometimes, and definitely not always easy.

However, we've been working together about a year and a half now and I've found that it's been extremely rewarding to talk to her about all my feelings. She's been welcoming and accepting and I've made excellent progress on my issues with her, so the relationship, even though it's sometimes difficult, has been really rewarding. It's also been really wonderful to have someone so dedicated and caring in my life whose willing to be that supportive, so there is a huge upside to being honest about it too!

It does get easier over time, absolutely. The key for me was just being honest and accepting, and of course, having a good therapist. I think it's a really good sign you're experiencing this type of connection- even though the intensity is hard for you, it shows you two are connecting, and that's a critical part in healing: a lot of research shows it's the strength of the alliance between client and therapist that indicates how beneficial the therapy will be.

I am female and am attached to my female T. I have been seeing her for 9 months. If I have to be honest, I've been attached to her from day 1. I have written her 3 emails saying I loved her. I guess she didn't read the "I love you" part in the first 2 emails (maybe not even the 3rd). I constantly brought up in session that I don't like how close I feel to her, how I feel like my feelings are inappropriate, and that my feelings for her are more than just caring.

Well, after the 3rd email we talked in session about my feelings. I thought we were talking about how I love her. I had/have no clue what she was talking about. Anyways, she told me that she doesn't reciprocate my feelings, but that doesn't mean that will always be that way. I did my best to hold myself together, but by the time I got home I had a complete breakdown.

Long story short, she wasn't talking about the fact that I love her. In fact, she is now starting to use the phrase "it comes from love" when she has a concern about me.

In the end, it turned out well. I don't ever expect her to say "I love you" to me. She's not that type of person. And I really never expected her to love me (but thinking she said she didn't sure hurt). My best advice: be clear. Having a misunderstanding about such a sensitive topic can be devastating. And if you can't say how you feel, try writing it.

Thanks so much, Leah! I'm glad to hear your experience has been mostly positive after talking about strong feelings for your T. It is terrifying to me but I do trust my T and feel like he will probably take it in stride, although it's still so scary to me to talk about.

I lately get in this state in my sessions where I am talking about something seemingly unrelated but suddenly become unable to get words out or make coherent thoughts... it's embarrassing, and I have realized it's due to this "elephant in the room" of not talking about my feelings towards my T. I turn red and get so close to talking about it, but can't.

I wanted to add that the 'probably take it in stride part' is true. Many therapists expect clients to have strong feelings toward them, and that those feelings are often a result of needing things we didn't get in the past, such as from our 'messed up families of origin' as you mentioned. So, indeed, to therapists who do this type of work, it's not nearly such a big deal a lot of the time for them as it is to us. Not so awkward or shameful or problematic.

I wonder if you could maybe print a copy of your post here for your therapist- sometimes people (including me) find that writing something out first instead of having to speak about it, is an easier way to raise difficult topics.

No you don't need to label the attachment as transference or anything else. Personally, I feel that people on this site frequently use the word "transference" to dismiss the fact that they have a genuine emotional attachment to their T. I'm not saying that transference doesn't exist or doesn't happen because it does, but you can't just assume that every emotion you feel towards your T fits in this square box of erotic, romantic, paternal, maternal, or whatever attachment. Maybe it isn't an awkward phase that you must work through. Maybe you just have strong feelings for him and need to learn to sit with those feelings and be comfortable with them. That's harder to accept because as you said, you're scared of becoming too needy or intense. But having any type feelings for someone (including transference) isn't bad.

That being said, yes, I have had the problem of not being able to tell my T how I feel about her. I started to write her letters about it without ever intending to give them to her. Then I finally did give her one and that opened up the floor for discussion. It didn't end up helping that much though because she was super inexperienced and didn't have any clue how to work with me on them, we had a sudden separation for three months while I was inpatient which caused me to mourn the relationship until I completely emotionally disconnected and I was unable to reconnect upon returning because she was leaving in a few months anyway.

You definitely need to tell him. I went through this phase for a few months. Every session I admit a little more. She's been awesome and I haven't regretted it!

I tried bringing something written once before, and it ended up feeling so overwhelming after I read it, that I started panicking and got very dizzy. But that was a more traumatic topic so maybe in this case, reading from something would make this topic come out more smoothly. I am about ready to try anything to get un-stuck.

That's so great to hear, Soccer Mom! Thank you for the encouragement