Couch 78: Put your feet up and stay a while

**********TW for medical stuff/death********

Fevers trigger me.. I had a low grade one on Tuesday when my work sent me home, and after feeling fairly good today, all of a sudden I am feeling like crap again, I take my temp.. and it is 101. WTH? The PA I saw on Tuesday said it was a simple viral upper respiratory thing and just rest and fluids and you will be fine. I suppose, there is a chance of secondary infection and I might have like bronchitis or something.. But, to me.. when I start spiking fevers my mind goes to sepsis.. I know big stretch, but I had a close friend die of sepsis 5 days after she gave birth to her son.. that totally shouldn't of happened.. So, whose to say.. that something similar couldn't happen to me? And can I say, I am also annoyed that this means I have to stay home from school tomorrow (3rd day) and I have t tomorrow afternoon.. I am not sure, at this point if I should go to T. It is sending me into all kinds of anxiety thinking about not seeing T on my scheduled day and time. GAH!!

Healed... I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly. They say that the late afternoon/ early evening is the time of day your temp is highest so it might spike. I hope your children do not catch it as well from school since I know at least one of them has asthma as well.

Personally... I go to T sick or not.... The one time I went sick I made my T remove all the pillows from the sofa so that I wouldn't touch them and give germs to other. That is my only concern.... I don't touch my Ts and they sit so far away I don't worry about them.

This article and a sermon from church on Sunday gave lots of insight.
Why Can't I Let Love In? | Psychology Today

Don't know this makes any sense to anyone else. Does anyone else relate to this?

I can identify with this completely. Even, when I felt "normal" and H and I were in the beginning of our relationship, I let the "lust" phase overshadow the fact that when it came to emotional intimacy- I wanted nothing to do with it when it came to my H. So, I developed a culture in our relationship, that I don't share emotions.. and you sure as hell try not to share yours with me. H always talks about me shutting him down, we had a pretty heavy conversation the other night concerning the recent family drama and he was sincerely trying to apologize to me as he has now seen that he acts like his asshat of a father and that is not fair to me. I didn't let him get more than two words out before I just said, I don't want to talk about that lets go to bed. I think for me, though.. it stems from vulnerability and if I am open and honest and let him be open and honest- he sees the real me, and that is way too intimate for me. Well, and also, I suppose I do feel like he will exploit it as well. I was vulenarble, and trusted, and was open to the boys who raped me.. And look where that got me.. ya know? T always challenges that thought, because my H has never done anything to make be believe that he would ever take my vulnerability and exploit me.. but neither did I think those boys would.

Ok- I will shut up, I am probably way of topic now.. I just wanted to say, I know how you feel RTS. ((hugs))

TW warning *** (in response to healed)

healed - I was terrified of sepsis after my last pregnancy. they weren't sure if they got all of the placenta out. they gave me a list of all the things i should look out for. i ended up with a totally unrelated infection and then had a reaction to the antibiotics and then my friend died

a year later, when something goes wrong in my body or i have a temp, my anxiety shoots through the roof. i had strep earlier this summer and when i wasn't getting better i was sure at one point i was dying and that i deserved it.

just commiserating. can you call and just run through your symptoms with a nurse? would that help you feel better?

Wow, I am glad you can relate. Though, I am not glad you have to deal with the same crap I have to deal with, it totally sucks sometimes. I am thinking I will call in the morning, and the nurse will say come back in. With my history of asthma, and the fact I have had to use my rescue inhaler three times today.. they are going to want to listen to my lungs. For tonight, I will find things to distract me- I need to put my kids in bed in a couple of mins, then I think I will take a warm shower, then ice cream, then maybe a show or two.. if I can't calm down I may shoot T an email, though.. I fear I am quiet over my limit these days.. Idk.. I wish I had a normal mind sometimes.

It is amazing to me how many times I tell people things right at the beginning and they don't believe me. My partner now says she remembers when I told her and that she did not believe me.
I found that part of the blog to be quite true.

Which part of the blog was that?

Towards the end:
"Though they sometimes do not share their patterns and can drive a devoted lover up the wall, very often they do tell them up front who they are, but are rarely believed until the warnings materialize and the situation plays itself out."

Thanks SD.. I missed that part... Do you have any desire to change that part of you? I'm trying to decide if it's really something that needs to be changed for me to be happy.

I have just the last couple of days with daughters staying at my place. Its so funny I still only have 3 mattresses, a couch and a fridge but now it feels like home. My ex feels that stability is physical and the lack of furniture upsets him, but the girls seem happy and I def am.

Got APs today so I should settle down soon.

College Factual just released their ranking of nearly 1400 Colleges and to think that for 4 years I saw a Therapist who got her Master's at the No. 1 School

UPenn named best college nationwide for 2015 | USA TODAY College

Although there is no wonder why I didn't click well with the Intern Therapist who I saw because she was getting her Masters from the school ranked No. 1032 .

Good work! Was your T pleased?

I haven't talked to her about it yet. I have session tonight but she is going to want to discuss the "write up of my trauma (well one of them)" letter assignment that I gave her on my way out the door last week....

I want to decide if that needs to change or if I need to inform my H so he can stop trying so he doesn't have to keep feeling like he can't ever do anything right.

I decided to head to urgent care this morning as I feel like crap! Just has a chest X-ray done .. Waiting for the results!

Healed - I hope it is not pneumonia (except they do seem to be able to treat that - so maybe it would be better if it was).

just tomorrow and then im leaving to the mothers apparently I am taking care of her neighbor who fell also . I like her better then the mother but geezzz

can you believe they paid for someone to come in and clean the mothers house before I came . well atleast it will be clean and I wont be staying in funk like before

I say hurrah that they paid someone to clean and now you won't have to do it or stay in a unclean situation.

Good post. All i could think of was, what would be happening to me in granites shoes. Like they would pay someone to clean AFTER i left so i think i dont have very good boundaries yet.

My therapist really let me down. I have to believe that if she could be inside my skin feeling my heart drop right out, and know I'd be crying about it the next two hours, she'd be more careful.

She solved the problem eventually, but not soon enough to keep me from falling apart, feeling like I've devolved from a person into despair. I do hate attachment. Feels a little too close to death sometimes, but now I'm just being melodramatic. Right? Time to make myself chew some food. Make money. Do things.

Leah - sorry to hear that.

No pneumonia! They ate still thinking it is viral and it is just making my asthma act up! I get a nebulizer treatment and steroids and supposed to wait until it passes!

My therapist, upon reading how hurt I was by her use of our session time, gave me a do-over at no charge. (I am lucky to have found her, or she was a serendipitious find!) Now I feel better, except dead tired. When is the extra 24 hours of mandatory sleep-only time???

Inconceivable!