[Patagonia]

My T has permission to call my H & she's always very careful about what she says so as not to break confidentiality.
I've been in serious crisis. My T knows this. She asked me several times to go inpatient but I refuse knowing what a mess it makes for my H & our 3 small children. It makes things very difficult for him.
I had decided last Friday morning to take my kids & go visit family 3 hrs away. When my T heard this she called my H & told him I was not well enough for the trip, that I needed to go inpatient, we stay home or he makes the trip w/me to make sure I'm safe.
He decided to go w/me. When I asked him why, he said he talked to my T & since I haven't been sleeping that he should drive & be w/me. He didn't seem very concerned & I asked if my T mentioned anything else & he said no.
When we returned from our trip I got to hear the voicemail that she left him & mentioning her great concern & need to go inpatient. My H never mentioned this to me...@ all.
My H can be very selfish. We have a vacation coming up next week. He also sees me going inpatient as a cop-out & me not dealing w/my problems. That I'm running away.
Is this my H's ultimate act of selfishness? To keep me home for his own good? Or am I being paranoid? It just seems like if it was the other way around I'd step in to help. I'm not good at helping myself & sometimes need to be pushed a bit. I'd also feel a lot more comfortable if I had my H 'permission' to go inpatient. His reassurance that everyone would be ok if I wasn't there.
I don't wanto jump to conclusions. We've had a very rocky marriage & we mentioned divorce a few months ago. He's also emotionally abusive but would never admit to that.
Am I over reacting?

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[RedSun]

I'm sorry you're not in a good place.
I don't want to make assumptions about your H....however, it sounds like he is not supportive of you. You mention that he is emotionally abusive, and I think that keeping you home when you need to be in hospital could be very abusive. Also, is there some fear on his part that people will start asking questions when you are inpatient, and out of his control? Or that someone will give you support, or options, and empower you to perhaps leave the marriage?
This is all just guesses as to why he wouldn't support you to get the help you need. But your T sounds like they know you need help. Do you have any family who could help with the children if you went in? Please put yourself first and consider what your T is suggesting, you need to be well.
Big hugs

[NowhereUSA]

would it help at all to have your t sit down and really be open with your h? when i was dealing with SI and SUI, my husband just didn't get it. he didn't feel very supportive, but when i had him sit with my t, it started the process of clicking for him. it's taken a few years, but five years later he is very aware of me and very supportive. when i was ready to kill myself even just a month ago, he asked about the hospital and then just asked that i stay open with my t and follow my t's advice. he wanted to ask for the items for my plan but he didn't because he didn't want to seem controlling and he was so relieved when i gave them to him.

sometimes they just don't know what to do or how to act. it's not intuitive.

but idk your h so i could be way off.

[HazelGirl]

Why are you staying with a selfish, abusive man? Maybe you can consider separating yourself from him, getting marriage counseling, and seeing what happens. Does your T know he's abusive? If so, I don't know why they're trusting him to make the decision as to whether you should go inpatient. He's not a reliable person to make that type of decision.

Also, sometimes we have to sacrifice in the short-term in order to improve or stay safe in the long term. Which is worse for your children? The chaos caused by your short-term inpatient, or having to live their lives knowing their mother committed suicide? Obviously, the latter is worse. And so maybe it's better for your children in the long-term to have you go inpatient.

[Leah123]

I agree with much of what's written above, and am sorry you're struggling so. I did want to add the perspective that it's ultimately your responsibility to take care of yourself, both for yourself and your children, that if you know you're not well enough for the trip, you can choose to admit yourself or consider other ways to take care perhaps, rather than blaming your husband for not doing it.

If your therapist told you you weren't well enough, and you seem to agree... please act on that instead of giving them the responsibility for it. As you mention, it's hard on your therapist and your husband may not be in a place to decide, though it sounded like he was trying to be supportive by accompanying you on the trip instead of just letting you go it alone knowing that you weren't feeling well....

[Patagonia]

I tried to talk to my H last nite & all he says is "...I don't know what to say to that." So he lets it go & we stop talking.
My T has been the only brave one to come out & tell me that I needed to be away from him. That before I kill myself that I need to experience life on my own. In a way I hate her for saying that & in another way I admire her courage to say it knowing how controlling he is.

I'm 100% dependent on my H for everything. I have no job, no $$. I'm just a mom.
Last time we argued about a divorce he said that he'd take the kids bec I'm not well enough to have them. Ok so maybe he's right. That still doesn't get me out of the house or on my own. At the beginning of the summer I worked for 6 wks & the stress nearly killed me. I don't think I can handle a full time job. So I feel very stuck & have had these feelings for 20 yrs. I'm getting anxious to escape. I'm tired of waiting & hoping. Hoping that the next med might b the right combination. That tomorrow things will turn around. It's just not happening for me. If my own H, my own so called best friend doesn't seem to wanto help me or ignores me why do I bother fighting? He's been to T w/me & sounds very sincere when we're there, but changes when we leave that office.

I know right now I stay for my kids. If I try to make myself happy & leave then I ruin their 3 lives & I can't live w/that guilt that I did that to them. If I wasn't here there'd be room for someone else to take my place. Someone that's better at it, more interested in doing the job & won't scar them like I'm doing.
I feel like I'm just on borrowed time.

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[NowhereUSA]

i'm sorry. it sounds like a tough situation.

could you make a plan with your t?

[Patagonia]

The only plan my T wants is a safety contract.
My plan of running away she says just makes it worse, but I know I could disappear for awhile. There's lots of places to get lost for awhile

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[NowhereUSA]

well, to be honest, safety is sort of the first step. she might be willing to work on a plan that's actionable and helps get you what you want if you can take danger off the table.

[nottrustin]

I am so sorry you are going through. It is a very difficult situation, unfortunately, one that many women have to deal with.

Do you think one of your issues with you going inpatient is he doesn't know how he will handle 3 young children while working and doing whatever else he does. Could some of you family take them long enough for you to go inpatient? This would hopefully speed up the time it takes for you to find a medication that makes you feel better. Once the medication is working better hopefully you would be in a better place to figure out the future with your husband.

[Lauliza]

I am sorry you are going through this and that you feel somewhat trapped by your circumstances. The most important thing now is you and your children's safety and that should be the focus, as your therapist says. Running away will not do you, or your children, any good - especially your children. I am not trying to minimize your own needs, but as a parent I understand how overwhelming it is when there is so much emotional turmoil and the urge to run can be huge. But that won't help your case or help your children at all. If you need to run, going impatient may be the best thing for you. Your H just may not "get" it - people who haven't dealt with severe depression and worse often don't. Removing yourself from the focus and thinking about what's best for your kids in the long run is hopefully something your T is helping you do. A healthy mom is a good mom and even though you don't feel like it, you do have control over your own situation. The decision to go inpatient or not is ultimately yours, not your husband's.

[Patagonia]

Update:
Had a fallout w/H last wk. ran off & tried to od.
Ended up in patient & getting ECT treatments. Have had 6 so far & haven't noticed one thing different. Feel like doom & gloom. I've made such a mess I just want it all to disappear. Instead I have 6 more treatments & then maintenance. My total brain is fried!!!!!

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