Not able to open up truthfully

I have posted under the depression forum but I have a question about the way I am unable to open up truthfully when I do have therapy.
I have had therapy on two previous occassions and found with both my therapists that I told them what I thought they wanted to know. I have always hidden my true feelings from everyone and when I go to a therapist, I find that I do exactly the same thing. I know when I go that I really do need to expose my true feelings and emotions but no matter how hard I try to do this, I just am not able to do it. I have never really felt that therapy has been very helpful for me but, I also know that this is probably due to me not being able to let them help me as they possibly could if I just allowed them to. I have always been very protective of myself and am a very private person so, I guess I am wondering whether anyone has any advice for me.
How do I learn to be truthful and expose my feelings without feeling embarrassed and weak?

Give time, time..its a process...starts of with learning to trust another then learning to trust ourselves and trust our feelings..

That’s perfectly understandable. It is very hard to open up. But it is good that you realise this is preventing progress. That’s a step in the ‘right’ direction.

Have you discussed with your therapist *why* you hide your true feelings etc.? Discussing these might enable him/her to come up with some strategies to help you out.

For example, you could write how you feel (diary? Send them emails if possible? Print this thread?) & use this as a basis to discuss when you meet. Or both agree to discuss specific topics… Or have your T address specific issues (from the concerns you have) rather than a general “How are you today”.

I know it’s easier said than done, but there comes a time where it might just be worth spilling it all out. It is an amazing feeling when someone finally acknowledges and/or validates one…

You need time to open up. Just give yourself a rest. Also you need to accept things the way they are. I use to do the same and for the longest time I was so hard on myself because I wasn't being honest about my feelings in therapy. I just had to accept for what it was and then it became easier for me to open up a little more each time.

This is a big and difficult issue we probably, at some time or another, face with our T. Being truthful. It is difficult. Recognizing this in your progress (or lack thereof) is a singificant sign that therapy has at the least, pointed you in some realization of self. This is good!

Maybe you haven't felt "safe" or a connection with the Ts you've been building ground with. Trust and fear of embarassment has really held me up in therapy. Luckily I really like my t. I told her that I haven't been completely honest with her about past trauma etc. She said that she felt this from me and was giving me my time to determine how far I wanted to go with my stories and feelings. But, telling her I haven't been completely honest was difficult, it was a changing event though. We have grown so much more trust and conectedness due to my honesty.

She always tell me, and maybe this is something for you to think about as well, if we continue to do the same.....we get the same result. And, if we keep things censured or in our own heads, we only have ourselves to bat them around with and there again, we get the same results. So, that said, unless you try the difficult road of honesty, you may never seek the results or the happiness you desire.

Good luck, be brave and take your time with it, it is a process and you can do it slowly.

HI and welcome lesbo!

I suggest you tell your therapist about this, that you want to be able to open up and be honest, and you've not been able to in the past. Then he/she can help you with it. This can help you to feel more comfortable about it and might make it easier for you.

And, you don't have to tell everything at once if you don't want to. You can add to something you've already talked about and you can talk about something more than once.

And, if you become uncomfortable talking about something or talking more about something you can stop and say "I am uncomfortable" and then you can talk about feeling uncomfortable. The pace you go is up to you.

Best wishes to you!

hey. i think i typically do feel embarrassed and weak when i'm sharing stuff that is for me.

if i waited for those feelings to go away i probably would never ever get to talk about my feelings and stuff.

i think it is one of those 'feel the feelings and do it anyway' kinds of things.

but that being said starting small can help. because as others have said, it takes time and little tiny self-disclosures in order to assess whether your t will receive it well.

Thanks everyone. It is really helpful to get other's opinions and to see that other's have also been where I am.
I am not presently in therapy as I had to relocate closer to my family for support as I have Multiple Sclerosis and need some help. My last therapist I really did like and felt comfortable with her but, when it came to being honest with her, I couldn't do it.........I think it was more for denial purposes than anything else as she was trying to get me to work through how I felt about having MS and I just did not want to have to address that.
I know that I need to find another therapist as I do have issues that need to be addressed but, I am just afraid that I will do exactly the same thing again. I don't know if I pretend to be ok because I want them to think I am strong or whether I do that because I don't want to acknowledge to them that I am in fact very screwed up and need more help than I lead them to believe.
I have never been the kind of person who easily talks about problems or feelings and I carry this over into therapy with me....... I don't want to start therapy again and go through months actually getting nowhere and feeling that I am not really benefiting from the therapy sessions.
Other than just trying to be honest, how do I get myself to actually deal with my true feelings and let myself express them....... I do not show any emotional side of myself to anyone so, I don't know if I have just become too hard and unemotional to be truthful

It sounds like you weren't ready / willing to talk through how you felt about having MS. If therapists really push... Well... I know that that gets me resisting them (I'm contrary like that). Whereas if it really is important to me (rather than them) for me to talk about that... Then if they just back off of it and give me a little space... Then I'll bring it up myself sooner or later ;-)

Resistences (denial and the like) come up to defend you against pain. Pain is hard and best avoided in general, so it is understandable ;-) That being said there are some pains that can be healing, but we have to be ready to go there. There are things therapists can do to help the process along, but it can take a bit of time for them to figure out what works for a particular client. Resistences are inevitable. I read somewhere that if you can do free association (say whatever comes to mind without resisting / censoring) then you don't need to do free association / therapy! Therapy just is a process of working through the resistences and coming to see why the resistences are there and coming not to need to employ them so much. (That is my conception of therapy anyway).

> Other than just trying to be honest, how do I get myself to actually deal with my true feelings and let myself express them...

The process does take some time... The first thing is typically working on building up basic trust and rapport. What happens with me... Is that something occurs to me (a thought, a feeling, a memory) and I can tell it is important for me to talk about precisely because I get an urge to talk about it but then I feel this intense shame / embarrasment / humiliation. So then I guess I struggle with the feeling of shame etc and try and find the courage to tell my therapist what the thought, feeling, memory or whatever was. Some things are too hard (the shame around it is too intense). Other things are hard, but have less shame associated with them. I start small by sharing something that I have mild to moderate shame about... And then I assess how that went. I have a good basic trust / rapport with my therapist now where we seem to have an unspoken agreement on this process. Basically (because of the amount of shame I have) he is really validating and says something (where the content isn't as important as the fact that he is still sympathetic / empathetic to me and he doesn't recoil from me in disgust). And that is healing :-) To see my worst fear disconfirmed (he isn't disgusted by me!). Over and over... And over time I get the courage to talk about things that have more shame associated with them. And tears sometimes. And that... Is healing for me.

That is one process, I guess. I suppose different people need different things. I really do think it is about finding someone who you think you can build basic trust and rapport with... And someone who will give you the leeway to attempt these little disclosures / tests and assess things... Someone who will let you talk about whatever YOU want and who won't push you into having to defend yourself even more...

Hello Lesbo.
I think you are very honest when I have chatted with you recently. What I find that helps many people is journaling wha tis happening to you everyday, and it helps you to progress with being able to tell te truth and see what REAL problems you feelnee to be addressed with your therapist. The main thing I hear is What do I talk about with My therapist in group, I tell them what they are feling and how they are feeling, and the most important how they feel taking the meds they are taking (such as if they dont feel the meds are working effectively). Journaling helps many people to clear the air so to speak, and lets someone know what needs to be addressed with the therapist in a more timely manner, so the therapy is more constructive. I hope the best for you Lesbo, I look forward to hearing from you in chat. Take care and good day. Soidhonia