[sweepy62]

So, hospice therapist came to the house yesterday for weekly grief therapy for h and myself ( suposedly myself but not really) anyway my h is getting good use out of this therapy, and I am happy about that. My h is opening up about his loss of his mom, He cried alot and so on. He also stated that he was concerned about me, and my sleeping pattern and my moods and behavior, which is ok, because there has been a change.

I hardly sleep, my moods are all over the place, my eating habits are poor, where I eat sometimes and sometimes I dont, ever since his mom died a month and a week ago. I always had trouble sleeping regardless, but now its worse. He told the t, that he is worried, because I seem depressed at times, which is true also.

The t asked me if it was true, I said yes, this t also knows that I have my own t. The hospice t says its part of grieving, I told her I am not grieving the person, but I am grieving the void of the caretaking role I had. She keeps insisting that I am grieving the person. Anyway, my h brought up the subject that was dropped many months ago, which was, that he wanted complete acess to my mental health records, like if he ever called my t or pdoc they could tell him anything about what I discuss in therapy.
For now , I only have him down as emergency contact. this has always bothered him. He brought it up again, He wants to be able to tell them how my moods have changed and my sleeping habits are poor, and what he can do to help, In the past I set up an appt, for him to see my t, he did not go. He wants t, to call him, or he wants to be able to call t, and have phone conversations, I told him, its not the way it works, they are very busy, she can see you in the office if you want, you can tell her your concerns, then she can discuss them with me. He is not content with this, he wants me to sign paperwork to release everything all information.

He does have control issues, him and his mom had a wierd relationship, where they would argue alot and make up, and laugh, and control each other, and they were happy like that. In the past , my pdoc, he has spoken to my pdoc over the phone, and it was ok.

The hospice t, then agreed with h, and said that its in my best interest, that he be a part of my therapy for continuity of my mental health, and that its a good idea that they comunicate with him, because my t and pdoc know me for 1 hour and h knows me for the rest of 23 hours. This gave h more power. H told hospice t, that my t and pdoc did not give him the time of day, that he cant just show up with me to a session, that the t needs to set up a special time.Hospice t, said "oh they are not flexible" OMG. I felt attacked.

[Favorite Jeans]

That's messed up Sweepy. I think hospice T is really overstepping her boundaries here and frankly seems a bit out of her depth. I don't know of anyone who has granted their spouse full access to their therapy charts etc. I fail to see how this could be in your best interest.

If H is concerned about you and just wants to share his observations about your mental state with your T, that's another story. It sounds like he has passed up opportunities to do just that and that what he really wants is to know what you say to your T. It might be time to tell him and hospice T that you are no longer open to discussing this with them and that you will no longer attend sessions with them if they are unable to respect this boundary.

[Asiablue]

Stand your ground on this Sweepy. No one should have full access to your information, particularly when that person is more interested in the control it gives them than genuinely seeking continuity of care. You need a safe space that is just yours, that you can feel safe to express yourself and know that it's not going to go anywhere.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

That's messed up Sweepy. I think hospice T is really overstepping her boundaries here and frankly seems a bit out of her depth. I don't know of anyone who has granted their spouse full access to their therapy charts etc. I fail to see how this could be in your best interest.

If H is concerned about you and just wants to share his observations about your mental state with your T, that's another story. It sounds like he has passed up opportunities to do just that and that what he really wants is to know what you say to your T. It might be time to tell him and hospice T that you are no longer open to discussing this with them and that you will no longer attend sessions with them if they are unable to respect this boundary.

I very much agree, hospice t comes to the house. I felt like it was a 2 against 1 thing. I felt it had nothing to do with grief treatment plan. I see pdoc today and h wants me to tell pdoc to call him while I'm in the office. She has before, but reluctantly. This is stressful .
I don't see my t until next Wednesday at 2 pm hospice t comes next week at 9 am .

H kept telling me how we been together so long there should be no secrets between us. I told him he was just missing being in control, being that his mom passed, that didn't go well lol.

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[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Stand your ground on this Sweepy. No one should have full access to your information, particularly when that person is more interested in the control it gives them than genuinely seeking continuity of care. You need a safe space that is just yours, that you can feel safe to express yourself and know that it's not going to go anywhere.

Thanks, this is all I have that I can truly call mine and safe, why have someone invade that. He is using his mothers grief, to justify the need to have complete access to my records.

I told him he can tell them about my moods and lack of sleep, they will listen. He does not need complete access for that.

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[tealBumblebee]

I think that she is totally overstepping her boundaries, and in a way, your h is too. I'm not married but I'm fairly sure that marriage, in and of itself, doesn't mean that you don't have any right to privacy. You share with h what you feel comfortable sharing and I think that you should stand your ground and not allow them to pressure you to permit them to violate your boundaries. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[granite1]

my T will not see my hubby or anyone else in my family. she said she is my T and is there for me and I never have to worry about any of my family . once she thought I said my farther wanted to come and see her and she kind of freaked out over it . I don't know ow she got that out of what I said but was happy that this was not the case . she said what I have to say in T is not any of there business.

when this T comes back can you maybe just stay in another room or even better leave the house and let her just see your husband .let her know you do not feel that seeing her iss in your best interests .your T is your time

[anilam]

I'd stop attending this hospice T sessions (go out since she's coming at your home). Great shes helping your H but for you it's obviously not working and that's an understatement :/ You could well be depressed, even Sui but that wouldn't give your H a right to know what you are talking about with your pDoc/T. Your H is controlling and should work on that.

Honestly, it's preposterous that any T would take his side... Is she a real T?

Could you have your regular T write a strongly worded letter telling this other T to back off?

This other T seems like she is involving herself in things she has too little knowledge about.

[NowhereUSA]

i would complain to the hospice group or, at the minimum, tell my h he can see the hospice t alone.

i'm married. my h doesn't have any control issues. while i do share things i say in therapy, i can't imagine him 'reporting on me' to my t unless i was in actual danger. i don't even think i have him listed as an emergency contact come to think of it.

[unaluna]

Holy cow. I so agree, hospice t is waaaaay overstepping her bounds. And so is your h. He needs a marriage counselor, pronto! Before your house turns into the Bates motel.

[HazelGirl]

This is definitely something to talk to the hospice T about. Let her know that your therapy is not what you're there to discuss and that they need to focus on what she is there to discuss. If they will not stick to that, then stop attending those sessions.

[Victoria'smom]

My h can call my T whenever to "tell" on me but her response is only thank-you. His t and my t talk but his T is responsible for teaching him how to deal with my issues. It's never t to significant other. Are you willing for him to get a t and have that t have access to your records not him?

Legally anyone can call and tell on you but T's can't even say you're a patient if not released too. Please if it turns into another session about you just leave the house when hospice t comes.

[guilloche]

Oh wow... that would just get a big old NO from me. I'm sorry Sweepy, that your husband and the hospice T are ganging up on you with this! Might be good to think of it as an opportunity to practice setting boundaries? Like, "I'm not willing to do that.", "I'm not going to discuss this any further." ?

[growlycat]

I agree with others here--hold your ground!!! No way should you give up autonomy because this fly by night T says so.

If this hospice T has any concerns about your safety, they can always call your T and leave a message. But your own T and pdoc do not need to respond to hospice T. This is such an overstep.

Can you tell hospice T is they keep pushing the issue, they will have to come to meet your husband only? I would bow out at this point if it were me.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by granite1

my T will not see my hubby or anyone else in my family. she said she is my T and is there for me and I never have to worry about any of my family . once she thought I said my farther wanted to come and see her and she kind of freaked out over it . I don't know ow she got that out of what I said but was happy that this was not the case . she said what I have to say in T is not any of there business.

when this T comes back can you maybe just stay in another room or even better leave the house and let her just see your husband .let her know you do not feel that seeing her iss in your best interests .your T is your time

Hi my friend, yes, I agree, my t was willing to see him, for 15 minutes and only depending if he didnt try to control the session, she said I was her priority. I have told h that I dont like her, but then again, he is the type to say well if you dont like her or we dont do this together then I dont wont do it either. I know he needs this therapy right now, I dont want to risk him quitting this therapy, he has been doing good in opening up about his grief, and crying ect..... blah blah blah lol.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Hi my friend, yes, I agree, my t was willing to see him, for 15 minutes and only depending if he didnt try to control the session, she said I was her priority. I have told h that I dont like her, but then again, he is the type to say well if you dont like her or we dont do this together then I dont wont do it either. I know he needs this therapy right now, I dont want to risk him quitting this therapy, he has been doing good in opening up about his grief, and crying ect..... blah blah blah lol.

I do think it is very important for him to go. But you have a T who is working with you, so it's not essential that you go. If they start to focus on your therapy again, if I were you, I would politely ask them to focus on your H and his grief, and if they didn't, I would stop attending.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by anilam

I'd stop attending this hospice T sessions (go out since she's coming at your home). Great shes helping your H but for you it's obviously not working and that's an understatement :/ You could well be depressed, even Sui but that wouldn't give your H a right to know what you are talking about with your pDoc/T. Your H is controlling and should work on that.

Honestly, it's preposterous that any T would take his side... Is she a real T?

I agree with you, I may be a bit depressed, but its not because of the loss of his mom, my moods go up and down, its a huge change. Yes she is a real t, we signed papers and she showed us credentials she specializes in bereavement . I started this thread, because I wasent sure if she was overstepping her boundaries with me, or if it was me just being a *****.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

i would complain to the hospice group or, at the minimum, tell my h he can see the hospice t alone.

i'm married. my h doesn't have any control issues. while i do share things i say in therapy, i can't imagine him 'reporting on me' to my t unless i was in actual danger. i don't even think i have him listed as an emergency contact come to think of it.

Exactly how I felt, as a matter of fact, as he was babbling about me, I got so pissed, that I said, this is grief counseling , not marriage therapy, lol

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by hankster

Holy cow. I so agree, hospice t is waaaaay overstepping her bounds. And so is your h. He needs a marriage counselor, pronto! Before your house turns into the Bates motel.

lmao, hanky I love bates motel, it was bates motel when his mom was living. anyway, thats what it sounded like yesterday, I had to stop both of them yesterday and yell out, this is grief therapy not marriage therapy damn it.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I agree with others here--hold your ground!!! No way should you give up autonomy because this fly by night T says so.

If this hospice T has any concerns about your safety, they can always call your T and leave a message. But your own T and pdoc do not need to respond to hospice T. This is such an overstep.

Can you tell hospice T is they keep pushing the issue, they will have to come to meet your husband only? I would bow out at this point if it were me.

I agree, my safety is not even an issue, I am coping, im just overwhelmed, lack of sleep, irritability, but hell im going through lots. I see reg t next week.

[JustShakey]

That's a little scary Sweepy It sounds a lot like something my H would try to pull too. Hospice T is way out of line. Is she a real T or just a healthcare worker who has done a course on bereavement counseling? My mom did one of those years ago through church and would go around to people's houses like you describe. She'd be helpful enough for people who just needed to talk about their grief but in no way qualified to deal with any mental health issues...
Whatever you do don't give up any of your autonomy. I've bowed to my controlling H in the past and it's brought both of us nothing but grief, though he would rather blame the rest of the world.

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[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

That's a little scary Sweepy It sounds a lot like something my H would try to pull too. Hospice T is way out of line. Is she a real T or just a healthcare worker who has done a course on bereavement counseling? My mom did one of those years ago through church and would go around to people's houses like you describe. She'd be helpful enough for people who just needed to talk about their grief but in no way qualified to deal with any mental health issues...
Whatever you do don't give up any of your autonomy. I've bowed to my controlling H in the past and it's brought both of us nothing but grief, though he would rather blame the rest of the world.

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I saw the credentials and signed . She is LCSW bereavement therapist . I won't give up my privacy, it means alot to me. There is no reason he should be wanting access to everything that is said in session , except for control and being nosey. This should have never been a topic to discuss. This same topic came up months ago, and I thought I had squashed it. Funny how it should come up in a grief counseling session .

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[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

H kept telling me how we been together so long there should be no secrets between us.

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I don't think any marriage could survive no secrets! I think you're right, this is about control. If he wants greater closeness and emotional intimacy the way to achieve it isn't by eclipsing your privacy but by being sincere, vulnerable and generous with you. People have an easier time being open when they feel safe and respected.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

I think that she is totally overstepping her boundaries, and in a way, your h is too. I'm not married but I'm fairly sure that marriage, in and of itself, doesn't mean that you don't have any right to privacy. You share with h what you feel comfortable sharing and I think that you should stand your ground and not allow them to pressure you to permit them to violate your boundaries. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Thank you, i was just in shock, I felt she was unprofessional, it was more like a me therapy or something, an invasion of my privacy, I will sure be letting her know how I feel.