[Leah123]

Perhaps it was RTerroni's thread on the topic of 'running into therapists outside session' or perhaps it was because I'm on a brief break from therapy after a long period of ongoing contact,

but I'm sitting here in a wistful, sad yet appreciative mood pondering my unique experience of doing long-distance therapy.

I've never seen my therapist in person. Photos are how I know what she looks like. But certainly we've met. She knows more about me in more detail than nearly anyone, rivaling my husband, with whom I've lived more than 15 years.

I met my therapist only about a year and a half ago, choose her relatively quickly, in crisis mode. I knew I wanted an ongoing relationship, and loved the idea of the convenience and privacy afforded by online therapy, not to mention the flexibility of being able to contact my therapist whenever she was available or email her if she wasn't. And the therapy was billed by the minute or by the email, so no pesky questions about what was allowed versus what was pushing boundaries: I paid for all services received. And she, a fellow writer, encouraged my writings, which felt non-stop. She told me it would not be too much, and has proved it so, through all these months.

I've found my therapy uniquely intense, limited only, for the most part, by my financial ability to pay for sessions. I've had hours to work through ruptures, I've had follow-up appointments the same day as scheduled ones, five minute check-ins and late night consults. I've met with her from my office, from my van, from vacation, even folded up in distress in the closet, triggered.

And it's really caused me to question, deeply, what it is that makes therapy work and what it means to be seen and known. I now know, it is not primarily tied to physical presence, proximity is no necessity.

My long distance therapy has worked. I behave better. I started therapy because of angry outbursts, they have now nearly vanished.

I was unfulfilled: I am now pursuing a degree, will graduate in the spring, and a career transition, as well as finding time for new and old interests like art, fiction and socializing.

I was inauthentic in relationships: Martha Stewartesque externally, full of pent up stress and anger on the inside (also like Martha probably!), doing a longstanding act of living in the moment so much I practically disavowed my traumatic past, as if I'd landed on the planet at 20 and began life then.

I had unresolved trauma: I was troubled in the act of parenting, for a few reasons, but partly because I'd spent years working on abuse by my father and not gotten to the layer of grief and pain that was dealing with my crazy-making mother, nor on how impossible it was to fully heal prior to having a child. Having a child raises challenges and opportunities impossible to imagine when I did most of my therapeutic work as a very young woman.

All of these issues I have worked on successfully in therapy. I am by no means done or living a perfect life. I struggle with parenting, marriage, work and school, juggling so many commitments I'm challenged to keep my own emotional pulse as I work on all the above. And insecurities, the current work, most challenging.

I'm certainly not ready to leave therapy: it's been a year and a half, and I've cut my frequency by half, may cut again by half next year when my schedule simplifies (hopefully) and my stress level drops, but I would like to always keep in touch with my therapist, who I think of as my "good enough mother" and have that relationship as long as possible, seeing as I have gone many years without viable parents.

And yet here I am, wishing and even planning what it might be like to meet her in the flesh.

Therapy is about being contained. I have had to provide some of that containment myself due to the lack of walls, symbolic and concrete, around my therapy. But my therapist holds my sharing and my feelings in a very comforting way. Her consistency has created the safety I need. We've certainly been through painful mistakes, but none irresolvable as she is always open to working everything through and obliging me as much as possible. She trusts that the things I want are good for me and gives me the reassurance, listening ear, caring and comfort I've craved a long time, along, of course, with her insights and guidance based on 20 years of experience and credentials.

And therapy is about honesty, exploration and healing. I've certainly experienced all of those deeply, though rarely has the work been easy for me.

But what I haven't had is a hug in person. She stands in with hugs given over the phone, email messages about holding my tears, sharing my sadness, and about holding the things that scare me, giving me a psychological buffer to manage my life when the intensity of my traumas threatens to overwhelm me. In other words, I have faith in her. When she tells me she'll keep something for me... it works. A childlike response, to believe the "hush, hush, it will be alright." Mothers can't make injuries disappear, letdowns vanish or stop painful changes, and yet..... they make them bearable through that magical quality of soothing empathy that is as universal to good mothers as it is invaluable.

I am dependent on her, something I don't suppose I'd ever thought I'd be on anyone, after learning by the age of 15 that I would do much better for myself if I relied almost exclusively on myself. Being dependent turned out to be a risk, with sometimes painful consequences, but not the risk of annihilation or enslavement I feared. I am dependent on her... but pay my bills, earn As in school, raise my daughter, care for our pets, relate to others (better than before) and overall, don't seem to be in imminent danger of disappearing or dissolving or exploding for knowing her and being so close. Indeed, the times we've had falling outs, I've used the impetus to make things even better in the rest of my life!

So, why am I crying because she lives on the East Coast and I on the West. I would like to have something of her physical presence. That solid sense of being which cannot be conveyed solely through voice. The knowledge of how a wrap around hug would differ from an emotional one, an imagined one. The most positively impactful woman in my life, prior to her, was a school counselor. I only saw that counselor for perhaps.... 10 sessions, but she left a mark on me, in me that has lasted more than 20 years. A foundation and a blessing. I only spent perhaps 10 hours in her presence, aside from the occasional school assembly, and it was enough to embed her in my consciousness as a corporeal loving presence. Obviously, I suppose, it was not her gorgeous blond hair, kind blue eyes or penchance for wearing lovely shawls that impacted me most. I've know many people for longer periods who left much less impact. So it is with my therapist now... that it is not her physical presence I most need, but.... I still desire it.

I wondered idly, if a 10 hour day spent with her would give me that presence to hold onto. Or if a video of her would help, something she could record and email me. If a week of daily sessions, should I travel to meet her, would give me that imprint.

I do not want her to die having never laid eyes on her, while... I feel it's almost a hollow request to want that- I've laid eyes on her soul, within her sharing and within her caring for me, and I know that's so precious, that true knowledge.

But my options, however meaningful that experience of meeting her might be, are limited.

Last I spoke, she agreed to meet, but said she couldn't provide an in person session: contractual obligations primarily.

I am debating going to see her. We have given it little thought, so I don't know what might be accomplished: the one time we discussed it, she thought we might meet briefly, perhaps at a coffee shop, as she works from home and would not be able to conduct therapy, so that I could see her and have a hug in person. Who knows what else. The meeting she described would be brief... perhaps 15 minutes?

I am sad. Some of you kind people who have watched me write here during the past year plus, might give me a hug or a thank you... both virtual and both real.

None of us will ever likely meet, which is a shame. But we all agree the hugs and communication help, don't we. It's the same with her. Sigh. And so meaningful, the time together, together and apart. How much does time in person mean.

Oh my, it means something, enough of something that I am very sad about it right now. Sometimes I see that my sadness is mixed, sourced from multiple causes, missing my mother, missing my therapist on the breaks, missing more huggable people in my life, etc.

But I am also rightfully sad about not seeing her in person. I actually think my therapy has progressed better because of it! Less impediments, for me, haha, but I would like to watch her drink a cup of tea. I would like to see what crazy blouse she wears. I would like a massive hug as she is as overweight as I am, and as soft, no doubt.

[musial]

This is a beautiful post, Leah. You are such a gifted writer and I'm so glad for you that you have a T who is emotionally close to you even when she's physically so far away. I can imagine it would be so difficult to never see her in person. I don't think my T will ever hug me (too scared to ask at this point), but I do appreciate being in the same room to feel safe and contained.

[growlycat]

You could make a trip out of this. What else would you want to do if you went to the East coast?

My therapist of 20 plus years is on the East Coat and I am on the West coast. Most of those years I saw him in person and I know what you mean. I miss his presence, his cluttered office. Going for walks with him, swapping books with him, and the ability to get a hug too.

Because of insurance problems, I now only talk to him by phone once every 2 weeks for 20 minutes. But during the holidays, I fly home to visit family and I will see him in person for a long session.

I've ended up seeing another T too out here, partially because I really need therapy with a live person once a week, plus my insurance actually covers him pretty well.

It may be worth it to see her, but I highly suggest having other things to look forward to on such a trip. Otherwise, you could feel let down after a 15 minute visit.

How about skype or FaceTime sessions?

Your post made me cry, Leah. It is so beautifully written and makes me think about how much I want to see my t again. While we only do phone sessions now (have been for going on 2 years) I was blessed to have sessions with her in person for the first year before she moved. Sometimes I miss that more than I can explain to her!!

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Perhaps it was RTerroni's thread on the topic of 'running into therapists outside session' or perhaps it was because I'm on a brief break from therapy after a long period of ongoing contact,

but I'm sitting here in a wistful, sad yet appreciative mood pondering my unique experience of doing long-distance therapy.

I've never seen my therapist in person. Photos are how I know what she looks like. But certainly we've met. She knows more about me in more detail than nearly anyone, rivaling my husband, with whom I've lived more than 15 years.

I met my therapist only about a year and a half ago, choose her relatively quickly, in crisis mode. I knew I wanted an ongoing relationship, and loved the idea of the convenience and privacy afforded by online therapy, not to mention the flexibility of being able to contact my therapist whenever she was available or email her if she wasn't. And the therapy was billed by the minute or by the email, so no pesky questions about what was allowed versus what was pushing boundaries: I paid for all services received. And she, a fellow writer, encouraged my writings, which felt non-stop. She told me it would not be too much, and has proved it so, through all these months.

I've found my therapy uniquely intense, limited only, for the most part, by my financial ability to pay for sessions. I've had hours to work through ruptures, I've had follow-up appointments the same day as scheduled ones, five minute check-ins and late night consults. I've met with her from my office, from my van, from vacation, even folded up in distress in the closet, triggered.

And it's really caused me to question, deeply, what it is that makes therapy work and what it means to be seen and known. I now know, it is not primarily tied to physical presence, proximity is no necessity.

My long distance therapy has worked. I behave better. I started therapy because of angry outbursts, they have now nearly vanished.

I was unfulfilled: I am now pursuing a degree, will graduate in the spring, and a career transition, as well as finding time for new and old interests like art, fiction and socializing.

I was inauthentic in relationships: Martha Stewartesque externally, full of pent up stress and anger on the inside (also like Martha probably!), doing a longstanding act of living in the moment so much I practically disavowed my traumatic past, as if I'd landed on the planet at 20 and began life then.

I had unresolved trauma: I was troubled in the act of parenting, for a few reasons, but partly because I'd spent years working on abuse by my father and not gotten to the layer of grief and pain that was dealing with my crazy-making mother, nor on how impossible it was to fully heal prior to having a child. Having a child raises challenges and opportunities impossible to imagine when I did most of my therapeutic work as a very young woman.

All of these issues I have worked on successfully in therapy. I am by no means done or living a perfect life. I struggle with parenting, marriage, work and school, juggling so many commitments I'm challenged to keep my own emotional pulse as I work on all the above. And insecurities, the current work, most challenging.

I'm certainly not ready to leave therapy: it's been a year and a half, and I've cut my frequency by half, may cut again by half next year when my schedule simplifies (hopefully) and my stress level drops, but I would like to always keep in touch with my therapist, who I think of as my "good enough mother" and have that relationship as long as possible, seeing as I have gone many years without viable parents.

And yet here I am, wishing and even planning what it might be like to meet her in the flesh.

Therapy is about being contained. I have had to provide some of that containment myself due to the lack of walls, symbolic and concrete, around my therapy. But my therapist holds my sharing and my feelings in a very comforting way. Her consistency has created the safety I need. We've certainly been through painful mistakes, but none irresolvable as she is always open to working everything through and obliging me as much as possible. She trusts that the things I want are good for me and gives me the reassurance, listening ear, caring and comfort I've craved a long time, along, of course, with her insights and guidance based on 20 years of experience and credentials.

And therapy is about honesty, exploration and healing. I've certainly experienced all of those deeply, though rarely has the work been easy for me.

But what I haven't had is a hug in person. She stands in with hugs given over the phone, email messages about holding my tears, sharing my sadness, and about holding the things that scare me, giving me a psychological buffer to manage my life when the intensity of my traumas threatens to overwhelm me. In other words, I have faith in her. When she tells me she'll keep something for me... it works. A childlike response, to believe the "hush, hush, it will be alright." Mothers can't make injuries disappear, letdowns vanish or stop painful changes, and yet..... they make them bearable through that magical quality of soothing empathy that is as universal to good mothers as it is invaluable.

I am dependent on her, something I don't suppose I'd ever thought I'd be on anyone, after learning by the age of 15 that I would do much better for myself if I relied almost exclusively on myself. Being dependent turned out to be a risk, with sometimes painful consequences, but not the risk of annihilation or enslavement I feared. I am dependent on her... but pay my bills, earn As in school, raise my daughter, care for our pets, relate to others (better than before) and overall, don't seem to be in imminent danger of disappearing or dissolving or exploding for knowing her and being so close. Indeed, the times we've had falling outs, I've used the impetus to make things even better in the rest of my life!

So, why am I crying because she lives on the East Coast and I on the West. I would like to have something of her physical presence. That solid sense of being which cannot be conveyed solely through voice. The knowledge of how a wrap around hug would differ from an emotional one, an imagined one. The most positively impactful woman in my life, prior to her, was a school counselor. I only saw that counselor for perhaps.... 10 sessions, but she left a mark on me, in me that has lasted more than 20 years. A foundation and a blessing. I only spent perhaps 10 hours in her presence, aside from the occasional school assembly, and it was enough to embed her in my consciousness as a corporeal loving presence. Obviously, I suppose, it was not her gorgeous blond hair, kind blue eyes or penchance for wearing lovely shawls that impacted me most. I've know many people for longer periods who left much less impact. So it is with my therapist now... that it is not her physical presence I most need, but.... I still desire it.

I wondered idly, if a 10 hour day spent with her would give me that presence to hold onto. Or if a video of her would help, something she could record and email me. If a week of daily sessions, should I travel to meet her, would give me that imprint.

I do not want her to die having never laid eyes on her, while... I feel it's almost a hollow request to want that- I've laid eyes on her soul, within her sharing and within her caring for me, and I know that's so precious, that true knowledge.

But my options, however meaningful that experience of meeting her might be, are limited.

Last I spoke, she agreed to meet, but said she couldn't provide an in person session: contractual obligations primarily.

I am debating going to see her. We have given it little thought, so I don't know what might be accomplished: the one time we discussed it, she thought we might meet briefly, perhaps at a coffee shop, as she works from home and would not be able to conduct therapy, so that I could see her and have a hug in person. Who knows what else. The meeting she described would be brief... perhaps 15 minutes?

I am sad. Some of you kind people who have watched me write here during the past year plus, might give me a hug or a thank you... both virtual and both real.

None of us will ever likely meet, which is a shame. But we all agree the hugs and communication help, don't we. It's the same with her. Sigh. And so meaningful, the time together, together and apart. How much does time in person mean.

Oh my, it means something, enough of something that I am very sad about it right now. Sometimes I see that my sadness is mixed, sourced from multiple causes, missing my mother, missing my therapist on the breaks, missing more huggable people in my life, etc.

But I am also rightfully sad about not seeing her in person. I actually think my therapy has progressed better because of it! Less impediments, for me, haha, but I would like to watch her drink a cup of tea. I would like to see what crazy blouse she wears. I would like a massive hug as she is as overweight as I am, and as soft, no doubt.

Meeting her one time would, most likely, trigger a host of mixed emotions. BUT, I do feel that one face to face should, eventually, occur. It simply must, in its own time.

My t and i have been on opposite sides of the world for a few years now due to a family situation thats been ongoing. The hardest for me is mot having her in person hugs and attention lile that. We too have late night, early morning, twice a day, five days a week, whatever we need to do thpe sessions. I miss her in person desperately.
At least i have gotten to see my t before she moved. I cant imagine how odd it is to have never seen your t.
Two years ago my t invited me to come visit her so i did. I stayed there a out two weeks and we hung out almost all day every day. It was just what i needed and it was so healing.
I think if you could go out to where your t is and even get together for lunch of coffee, that it might be really helpful and healing.maybe you could meet with her a couple of times? How would it feel to see how your t is in real life?

[Anne2.0]

I concur, beautiful, wholehearted writing, daring and powerful insights.

[archipelago]

Amazing account of what sounds like an amazing experience. With all of those deeply felt changes and feelings, I can see why you would want something tangible and be sad that you don't.

I have made a recording on my phone of my therapist (doing a relaxation type of thing) so that I can hear his very soothing voice any time. That would be relatively easy to do. It sounds though like you want something other than voice?

How about a picture? or video? or some kind of object? that she can send you if willing? Perhaps that would not be enough. Perhaps actually meeting with her would be what really is the only thing. I don't know.

I once asked my therapist if he had any pictures of himself from his earlier days which he has described as counter cultural and even hippie. I was intrigued and asked, not really thinking he would ever do it. But once, when I was having a difficult time and pulling away from him some he came in with such a picture, saying "I wanted to make good on some promises." It actually ended up being more meaningful and touching that I had thought and I do look at that picture and feel warm things.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by growlycat

You could make a trip out of this. What else would you want to do if you went to the East coast?

My therapist of 20 plus years is on the East Coat and I am on the West coast. Most of those years I saw him in person and I know what you mean. I miss his presence, his cluttered office. Going for walks with him, swapping books with him, and the ability to get a hug too.

Because of insurance problems, I now only talk to him by phone once every 2 weeks for 20 minutes. But during the holidays, I fly home to visit family and I will see him in person for a long session.

I've ended up seeing another T too out here, partially because I really need therapy with a live person once a week, plus my insurance actually covers him pretty well.

It may be worth it to see her, but I highly suggest having other things to look forward to on such a trip. Otherwise, you could feel let down after a 15 minute visit.

Thanks for replying. I appreciate that you can relate and I'm sorry too. Our relationship is so strong, I often don't mind the distance, but the longing does hit me from time to time, especially when I think about the possibility of never seeing her, never having something more concrete, more tactile than typewritten words.

I have imagined such a trip: either a week spent on my own, sight seeing and doing meaningful things with the meeting just one highlight or a week spent with family where this was a stopoff on the way to a more kid-friendly destination. I've even considered just flying out and right back again, so as not to kid myself about any other attraction approaching the importance of meeting her.

I could see another therapist too, I have considered it, but... she holds my entire story, no one's ever done that for me before and I wouldn't feel quite right at this stage dividing up pieces of my life among two therapists.

[JustShakey]

You do write beautifully Leah. I wish we had a 'love' button to go with the 'thanks' and 'hugs'

I don't know... Both of my Ts have awaked a wistful sort of longing in me. Previous T I adore, even though our relationship was a very painful one. I know I'll never see her again in any meaningful way, but I desperately want something like the promise that she offered, or maybe more like hinted at, in my life.
T always says he is there for me, and that I can call if I need anything - though I never do, I'm not so sure about this 'needing anything' thing... What is anything anyway? I want something or somebody in my life like the idea of him too.
The sort of ramble-y point I'm trying to make here is that no matter whether we see or Ts in person or otherwise, we attach a certain desire to them. Or something. Perhaps better to say we become aware of desires we have hidden from ourselves through the intercession of our Ts. It seems like our Ts are the object of those desires. And perhaps, for a while, they are. Certainly they become that for a little while, just an hour at a time... But therapy is not life, it's playing at life, a practice place. Eventually we have to go out in the world and find the true objects of our desires. That is healing. I suppose...

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

You do write beautifully Leah. I wish we had a 'love' button to go with the 'thanks' and 'hugs'

I don't know... Both of my Ts have awaked a wistful sort of longing in me. Previous T I adore, even though our relationship was a very painful one. I know I'll never see her again in any meaningful way, but I desperately want something like the promise that she offered, or maybe more like hinted at, in my life.
T always says he is there for me, and that I can call if I need anything - though I never do, I'm not so sure about this 'needing anything' thing... What is anything anyway? I want something or somebody in my life like the idea of him too.
The sort of ramble-y point I'm trying to make here is that no matter whether we see or Ts in person or otherwise, we attach a certain desire to them. Or something. Perhaps better to say we become aware of desires we have hidden from ourselves through the intercession of our Ts. It seems like our Ts are the object of those desires. And perhaps, for a while, they are. Certainly they become that for a little while, just an hour at a time... But therapy is not life, it's playing at life, a practice place. Eventually we have to go out in the world and find the true objects of our desires. That is healing. I suppose...

I understand your viewpoint and it is common, but for me, therapy is not playing or practicing per se, it's an authentic relationship and an integral part of my life. I see many people an hour at a time, and count all those relationships as real: teachers, vets, volunteer participants, classmates, family, friends, doctors, etc. To me, the relationship is not something to grow out of, but to grow within. I consider living an examined, mindful life a spiritual practice and therapy is as much a part as yoga or meditation or interacting with my family at home. I am fortunate to have had my therapist here with me, on the phone at will, to talk through a struggle, to hear my daughter's voice in the background as I move from client to mother role when she arrives at home, to discuss her insights with my husband as we work through our marriage. She is definitely a part of my life, not just a rehearsal space for the real thing, but a part of the real thing, not just an object of longing for "other" but a person to long for contact with on her own merits. I do not confuse our relationship with more evenly reciprocated ones where listening is traded for listening, the method of exchange in therapy is different, but that doesn't make the experience 'less than' or only a means to an end for me.

My therapist was in therapy 15 years though, so... I think we see it similarly as part of a meaningful lifestyle in a way. I think many consider the therapeutic relationship more like a medical model where we may receive rehab for a broken bone. I see it as more like a fitness training, where just because we go from overweight to a healthy weight, we don't need to stop training or consider there to be something wrong if we don't want to: there's always room to continue, to grow, to enjoy the workout, and the relationship with our trainer.

As for finding meaning outside the therapy relationship, for relating to others, that's absolutely important. But I think it creates a false dichotomy to say it is an either/or choice: my relationships have all been enhanced as I've been in therapy, so I've never experienced it negatively impacting them, quite the contrary. Having a therapist doesn't prevent me from loving my husband, child, in-laws, and making more friends, relating better to my coworkers, etc. I've seen all those changes in the midst of the work, so... for me, it's and, not or.

P.S. I do agree that my longing is similar to that others experience, that while I miss proximity, others may miss the option to have a hug, others may miss more frequent contact, others may miss emails, etc. Certainly, every arrangement, just like every other relationship in our lives, comes with trade-offs and is imperfect.

[JustShakey]

Hmm, but you see, I view playing as very important. Playing is a child's work, as they say, and I was never allowed to do enough of it. Or enough 'real' play, if you will. It's a very foggy point, I know... Therapy is definitely something to grow within, but I do see it as analogous to childhood. It will always be something I look back upon fondly, and I love my Ts in that strange therapy way... but...
I'm at a huge intersection in my life right now. Unlike yours, my marriage has proven to not be viable. I never addressed the huge impact of an unplanned pregnancy and a special needs child. I have left all my close friends behind gradually over the years in misguided attempts to fit myself to the expectations that were set me. I am starting over. My Ts are very special and very real to me, they are my mentors, they will guide me for a time, but ultimately I must find my own way, my own friends, my own lovers, my own dreams. I will always carry the memory of them, and I will honor that memory by living what they taught me.

[Leah123]

I can appreciate therapy as similar to childhood in certain ways, but even adults in healthy relationships always have their mothers (until their passing, of course when what they have of them is memories, objects and internalized senses of them): they move out, but they don't eliminate them from their lives. Healthy, happy child/mother pairs stay in contact and benefit from it throughout their lives.

Coincidentally, I also had an unplanned pregnancy and special needs child. They are, sadly, very trying to a marriage and I'm sorry you've lost so much, though I know that new opportunities, new starts are blessings too.

I'm not sure why you think that you can not find your own way if you are seeing a therapist? That would be like saying I can not find my own way or be myself if I have any relationship...

My therapist doesn't make decisions for me... nor is she in a position, even if she wanted to be, to find me friends, lovers, dreams, etc.

Perhaps your approach and mine differ because we wanted or received different things from our therapeutic relationships though. Everyone's journey is certainly going to be different.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I can appreciate therapy as similar to childhood in certain ways, but even adults in healthy relationships always have their mothers (until their passing, of course when what they have of them is memories, objects and internalized senses of them): they move out, but they don't eliminate them from their lives. Healthy, happy child/mother pairs stay in contact and benefit from it throughout their lives.

Coincidentally, I also had an unplanned pregnancy and special needs child.

I'm not sure why you think that you can not find your own way if you are seeing a therapist? That would be like saying I can not find my own way or be myself if I have any relationship...

My therapist doesn't make decisions for me... nor is she in a position, even if she wanted to be, to find me friends, lovers, dreams, etc.

You're onto something here Leah, my relationship with my mother was never healthy, and no, as it stands I am not really able to be myself, to hold my own boundaries, in a relationship. I am learning how to do that. I am actually learning who 'I' am. In the past I have always become what the other person wants me to be, because that is what I taught to do. My own self was never respected or even regarded as having the right to exist. My mother used to tell me that she hated to hear me talk about myself. In one of my earliest sessions with T I told him that I was afraid to let anything of my own out for fear it would be taken from me. That was what I grew up with.

Now I don't mean that my T should be finding me friends, but that my T gives me an idea of what to look for in a friend. The model of how to do relationships that I was given by my parents is far from healthy. I need T to help me make a new blueprint, so I don't get hurt again, rerunning my old patterns.

Maybe it's not exactly healthy, the way I am already thinking of not having my T, but I am used to loss. Too many times I've reached out and been told, either directly or more subtly, that I'm asking too much. And my relationship with previous T was very painful. I wanted her to be my mom, and unfortunately, that's pretty much what she gave me I'm not ready to be without T yet, but I don't ever want to experience that kind of pain again, so I don't let myself forget who I am and who my Ts are.

[Leah123]

Oh my, I understand better.

For me though, my therapist does not make me forget who I am but helps me remember. She is like a muse to me at times.

She honors my experience and my emotions.

Now, she may not always see me perfectly, as we are both imperfect, but she listens when I clarify and she is there solely in service of my health and happiness, though I am sure she would admit to caring a lot about my daughter too.

And her motto with me, from the start, has been exactly the opposite of the message you've received too often: "You will never be too much for me" she has said, over and over, in many ways, until I now (mostly) believe it.

[Aloneandafraid]

Beautiful post and thread. Thank you so very much for sharing, Leah. You write so well. This is so emotional for me to read. I just wish I felt a similar connection with my T. I am unfortunately under the impression I am too much for my T. She will never be y "good enough mother" It is so painful and i am shamed for telling her how I feel.

I wish you well - you sound asif you have had a really remarkable experience with this T. Thanks again for sharing. xxx

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

How about skype or FaceTime sessions?

Thanks for the suggestion. I would like to try these, but my therapist is under contract with the website where I started therapy not to see me using any other service, and their service don't offer any options beyond chat, email and phone.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

Meeting her one time would, most likely, trigger a host of mixed emotions. BUT, I do feel that one face to face should, eventually, occur. It simply must, in its own time.

I do imagine feeling a let-down post meeting or feeling torn about only having a short time, but I like to think that the consistency of her presence in my life would anchor me and the meeting would just be to cement that, to give me a visual and sensory impression to solidify my conception of her, not so much in the false hope of having a real weekly hug but of having every phone hug and contact seem a little more real, after having established that sense of physical presence.

[Leah123]

We had session today and I told her about my longing, and I was so relieved I cried when she told me she would give me a video of herself! Somehow I'd gotten afraid she would refuse me, that she would limit our relationship, not be willing to find any way to meet my desire.

I'd like something tactile, a handwritten letter or one of the books she's read me or better yet something soft from her (my high school counselor gave me a tiny little teddy bear when she was leaving for a new job that I treasured though have lost) but again due to the arbitrary-seeming limits of the company with which she contracts, she wouldn't be allowed to mail me anything. We both sort of just acknowledged the unfortunate circumstance, but I was mindful of all the liberties I have due to our arrangement I wouldn't have otherwise. Those, like flexible sessions, even sometimes on-demand, wouldn't have been possible at the earlier stage of her career or with a traditional office format, so I've certainly benefited from that.

At any rate, I can hardly believe it, but it sounds like she will be making a special effort to create a little video for me, she talked about having her more tech-savvy nieces or nephews help her film it! It was lovely to hear that and more lovely to know that she was validating, not questioning, my request. She said we'd do the video and then we could see how I felt after I had that. (She's still willing to meet, but it would be brief, and she's mindful of how much I'd be spending just for such a short get together, something that bears consideration. I wish there were a way I could pay the company its fees while seeing her in person, but I don't imagine that's logistically attractive enough to her to consider, as it would entail renting an office and breaking the letter if not the spirit of the contract, and of course she's invested in adhering to her online-only therapy practice at this stage.)

I should probably think about what I would like to be on it?

That's wonderful, Leah, her making you a video!!