omg never has my t said a word that sounded as much like psycho-babble as this word did today coming out her mouth. this morning I told her quite honestly that I didn't really care if we did or didn't talk today. I told her I didn't intend for that to sound mean, but it was just totally how I felt. she said and yet you called and kept your commitment. of course I did, I was expected to. She said that it sounded like resistance. I'm just so dam frustrated with this entire process right now. I know this goes back to mid-July when I asked her how I would find out if something happened to her and she told me she didn't have anything in place to notify clients because it was "too much like writing a will". I let it drop but should not have. It's been festering and I hate how it makes me feel like she doesn't give a rat's butt about how it would affect me and her other clients. And that's affecting everything. I don't even know where this therapy is going anymore. Right up until we talked this morning, I felt fine. I really did. Like, I'm done with this fine. After we talked, I felt hugely frustrated and like I am never going to be able to extricate myself from her. Like I'm trapped in therapy or something. We'd scheduled for 2 weeks from now, I tried not to, honestly I did and we were about to leave it at "call when you want to schedule" when she said "are you sure you want to do that?" And of course I caved and said no. and worse than that, this afternoon at work I was thinking about it all and decided what I really want, is to just tell her ASAP exactly how I feel no matter how vulnerable I have to let myself be, and then tell her in no uncertain terms that I need to take a break again. So I emailed and asked for a sooner appointment. Now we are talking again tomorrow morning . Am I a glutton for punishment? I've already written out what I want to say tomorrow and I'm going to tell her to please let me read it through before she responds. I already told her in my email that I want to take a break after this. Sorry for the wall of words I don't know what I'm looking for here other than to just dump this out of my head so I can go to sleep. Thanks to anyone who made it all the way through. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.

[HazelGirl]

I totally understand the problems with the will. But does running away solve that problem? It sounds like you are creating reasons for distance. So the question is why? What are you afraid of?

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I totally understand the problems with the will. But does running away solve that problem? It sounds like you are creating reasons for distance. So the question is why? What are you afraid of?

You're right of course HazelGirl. I am creating reasons for distance... if not this, I'd come up with something else. What am I afraid of? The million dollar question. I don't know.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

You're right of course HazelGirl. I am creating reasons for distance... if not this, I'd come up with something else. What am I afraid of? The million dollar question. I don't know.

So...why not show up and find out?

[Leah123]

It sounds like you have a valid fear that she's being irresponsible toward you, and that her decision reflects a lack of caring, and I agree.

When we discussed this initially, I said that she needed to put her own fears aside as her first priority is to her clients. Not doing so is contrary to her profession's ethics and your needs. It's a breach of duty.

That would fester for me too.

I wonder if you could send her an email. I hate paying to discuss my therapist's mistakes!

P.S. Also, don't fret if you said 'yes' in the moment but want to say 'no.' It may be resistance, but I don't think it's wise to act based on guilt. You have every right to cancel after the fact if you decide that's what is best for you. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, but I hope you don't feel you've failed for setting an appointment you don't want, because you were feeling pressured- you can always change your mind.

I feel like throwing up this morning in anticipation of talking to t again in a few hours. i sure wish i knew what is going on with me.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I feel like throwing up this morning in anticipation of talking to t again in a few hours. i sure wish i knew what is going on with me.

You do seem to have some sort of serious fear. Could you journal and see what you might discover?

Also, maybe you're afraid of what might happen if she dies without a professional will, so you're trying to run away now rather than face that possibility?

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

You do seem to have some sort of serious fear. Could you journal and see what you might discover?

Also, maybe you're afraid of what might happen if she dies without a professional will, so you're trying to run away now rather than face that possibility?

Ugh. Leave before she can leave me.... now there's an old pattern I hadn't recognized. thank you HG. I'm sure she's already recognized that, but I'll mention it today anyway. I know that I trust t enough to be this emotionally vulnerable with her but that doesn't make it any easier. Therapy can be so hard. Being emotionally naked and vulnerable on purpose - who needs it? Apparently I do. Meh. What am I so afraid of? Why do I feel so trapped? Why do I feel so emotionally bound to her?! These are all good journaling questions.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

Ugh. Leave before she can leave me.... now there's an old pattern I hadn't recognized. thank you HG. I'm sure she's already recognized that, but I'll mention it today anyway. I know that I trust t enough to be this emotionally vulnerable with her but that doesn't make it any easier. Therapy can be so hard. Being emotionally naked and vulnerable on purpose - who needs it? Apparently I do. Meh. What am I so afraid of? Why do I feel so trapped? Why do I feel so emotionally bound to her?! These are all good journaling questions.

Yeah, if you get a chance, spend some time journaling before your appointment today on these. I think they may be important.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Yeah, if you get a chance, spend some time journaling before your appointment today on these. I think they may be important.

Me too.....

oh good lord. i got a text from t this morning asking if i still wanted to talk at 10 today. Apparently I did not respond yesterday that 10 today was fine. In my mind, I really thought I did. Talk about screaming resistance. jeez louise. t minus 24 minutes....

[Leah123]

Good luck! Maybe plan to get an ice cream after? Or any type of plan so you have somewhere to be to help you focus on everything else after, lol.

Thanks Leah. Actually I leave for work right after.... and Fridays are usually busy so that will definitely keep me from thinking too much! I'm sure it will go better than I am anticipating, anyway.

[HazelGirl]

Let us know how it goes.

Whew. Just hung up the phone from t. very, very emotional session for me. But am so glad I got it over with today instead of trying to put it off for 2 weeks. I wrote out what I wanted to say, cried my way through reading it all to her, mostly about how I felt about her not having that plan in place. She came up with a plan so that I will be notified in case heaven forbid something happens to her, and that made me feel a lot better, she said she could sense me calming down over the phone. We talked about our t relationship, my frustration with the whole process right now, the judgement of myself that I seem to be in the grips of right now, she called it "being in the soup", etc etc it was a very emotional session, a cleansing kind of session, what I totally needed it to be. My t is good. And my faith in her is restored. Thanks ya'all for your support I felt it while I was forcing myself to say what I needed to say. PC peeps rock!!!

[Leah123]

That is excellent!

I'm SO glad she came around and did the right thing. Yeah!!!!

[HazelGirl]

I am so glad it went well!