Big stuff to talk about

So, I've had a verrrrrrry strange week...

Trigger warning SA stuff

I've posted before about memories I've had, that have felt real but I don't think they are. My t also suggested that these thoughts were not real, though she says she didn't say that
And over the past couple of weeks, a string of thought processes has just got me to where I arrived yesterday.
I remember. I don't remember everything at all, still just a couple of snapshots really, but I know that they are true.
I can't explain what has changed, or how I got here. Has anyone else been through this process? I feel like t won't believe me because I have just kind of....arrived here. No massive repressed memories reappearing, just a feeling that I always knew, and now I know that I know

I have t on Thursday, and I have emailed her to say that I know what happened. I feel fine, really calm, and strong, and angry but in a good, powerful way. I just need this feeling to last til Thursday! I want to keep strong now I have started, I want to be believed, I want to be okay. Help!

Red, I hope your session goes well. I have never had my T not believe me. Shoot, he sometimes believes me when *I* don't believe me. I will write stuff down that happened, and then deny that it happened and have no memory of even writing it down. T says it has to with how the brain stores traumatic information that cannot be fully processed.

I know what you mean. There are flashes of memories, and I don't remember a lot of my abuse, but I do know what happened. It's hard to explain.

Exactly, I remember what happened but when I try to bring it up it is just a bunch of random memories all jumbled together!!

Thanks, I didn't know that anyone else would understand, and feel the same. That's huge.

I feel a bit more hopeful now that my t will believe ma, and understand. I think she won't believe me because it is just little snapshots. The 'I know' feeling is like, I know I went on holiday to a certain place, but don't necessarily really remember the holiday (except not a holiday ) does that make sense?

Yes, exactly. I know I was abused in a certain way, but I can't tell you any stories about it. They're all lost to the dissociation. Everyone once in a while, a story or a mental snapshot (they're like Polaroids in my mind with no context) will appear, but they often don't make much sense.

I had the experience of a pre-verbal traumatic re-experiencing and was very surprised that it was happening. I had no access to any memories at all, couldn't even guess the context or situation. When I expressed frustration about not being able to work on it because I couldn't remember, my shrink said, "but you are remembering." That made me relax about not having full awareness and let the process go through me. It was actually a profound experience in the end. And changed my sense of how trauma is both experienced and worked through.

I've had similar experiences. Once was relatively recent (back in June) after a session with former T. I called her in a panic and pretty much begged her to tell me all the reasons it wouldn't be true. She was very kind about it though. She pretty much told me that I did not need to "know" if it was true in that moment, but just deal with the emotions (though she said it made sense in terms of other things I had talked about)... I don't think she would have doubted anything I said, but worked around what it meant for me...

It's weird how our brains can pop things out at us like that.

Yes, this happens in my therapy all of the time. I've also worried that it seems like T will think these are not 'real' because the fragments hardly ever form a coherent picture of the whole event. Almost every session, at the very least, talking about something will trigger these odd but intense states of 'terror', where I can't even explain why/how I feel that way. Then there is all the somatic stuff and strange fragments of other perceptions and sometimes images.

In theory, traumatic memories supposedly are stored more perceptually. Many of mine that come out in the re-experiencing are pre-verbal; this makes them more limited since the younger you are, the less your mind is developed--cognitively...emotionally. Those are even more fuzzy and involve less narrative. If you think about it, an infant's mind is not yet capable of thinking, processing symbols (e.g., alphabet), or even complex emotional states besides the basics of fear, terror, pleasure, etc.

I imagine that maybe things like feeling 'lonely' as an adult might feel instead, for an infant, that she's in an abyss of terror where the caregiver responsible for it's survival, as well as the rest of the world (as it's parent is the only world it knows), no longer exists. So even some memories might be states of being (terror of non-existence) rather than containing more specific somatic or emotional fragments.

So T and I can't put a narrative on everything, but there are many things that can be connected. Often it's only vague, but there are sometimes clues in my adult life I can derive from later conversations with my mother or sister or relative as an adult that add context to them.

As to why it's happening now- I think possibly because you feel safe enough with T, and that maybe now your defenses are down.

Hugs

Thanks for all of the above. You don't know how helpful this has been to have you all understand, and hear your stories. I thought no one else would know what am going through, and would think I am making it up.
I told t today, that I know, and she asked what happened. I managed to tell a bit of a snapshot that I remembered a couple of weeks ago whilst I was getting jiggy with hubbie (great timing), she focused on the feelings that were coming through. Ugh.
She said she was furious that no one kept me safe

But even on the way home, there was a voice in my head asking why I was lying, that no one would ever believe me anyway.

Do you think that maybe you told someone when you were a child and they said you were lying? Maybe that's where that voice is coming from?

I think I was told that no one would believe me if I said anything

Yeah, I think lots of us were told that. I was told that not only would no one believe me, I would be locked up in the State mental hospital because people would know I was crazy. And then I did try to tell the school counselor about the physical abuse when I was in seventh grade. I told him how severe it was and how the hitting left bruises for weeks. He asked me what I did to provoke my parents into hitting me. He said he had met my parents and knew they loved me and would not hit me like that unless I was doing something to provoke them. Later that day, he called my mother to "warn" her about the "stories" I was making up about her.

I am sorry. That's probably where those thoughts are coming from.

Sorry I keep coming back to this thread.
It's just been so helpful, and I feel understood in a way I don't anywhere else...and no one else knows apart from my t any you guys, so it's amazing to be able to share.

So, something happened to me when I was thirteen, with someone a bit older (18?) and I wrote a story about it for t and then we talked about it. UGH.

Then, over the summer, I had memories which I didn't believe, about something else. Basically a family friend being inappropriate when I was fourteen ish. I told t, this is what this thread refers to.

The thing is...either, I have made up the stuff about the family friend, and these memories and the feeling that I really 'know' is not true, I have fabricated it...
OR these things both happened, independently of each other, to me. So there must be something that I did, or something about me, that asked for this.
Because to have both these events, with no connection, is implausible. I can see that.
My t must think that. She must think I'm either a liar, or I got myself in these situations, I consented, I asked for it.
Either way, I am horrible and disgusting.

I need to talk to t about this on Thursday but I just don't know where to start. She will think I am lying, or I am a slag, which is what I was told a lot when I was a teen. But one of those is true. Last session, when I told her about the 'memories',she said she was disgusted. With me?

Perhaps your T was disgusted " for you" not "with you".

I'm uncertain why you feel these two events...memories couldn't have both happened..

But I have flashed or glimpses of memories and my T who worked for years with abused women/ children and she said its common to have blocked out and not to remember a lot of stuff related to the incidents.

Thanks RTS
I think I mean that it is just so unlikely that someone would experience an assault at thirteen, then ongoing stuff at fourteen from family friend, not connected. Who would believe that? It's just too unlikely, right? So somewhere, I have messed up.

Actually it's very common for someone who was a victim of sa at a young age to be victimized later as well... I'm sure there are lots of reasons but for me I have a tendency to "freeze" in certain situations so I could see myself so triggered with PTSD issues that I wouldn't stand up for myself very well... Also you learn that people won't believe you and you think bad boundaries are normal,etc.

Others could probably describe this better. But irregardless you are not responsible for someone else's bad behavior ever!

Studies show that children who are sexually abused are more likely to be victimized again later in their lives as well.

Yes, it's quite common to be revictimized because you emotionally freeze up and don't instinctively fight as much as someone else might. It's not your fault at all, it's just that you already have had this horrible thing happen to you and your mind freezes and shuts down knowing how terrible it will be again. It unfortunately makes you an easier target for pedophiles.

That does make sense...for other people iykwim
But I was thirteen, I wasn't a child.
Ugh, what a mess!
I was really looking forward to seeing t this week but now I'm dreading it!

Teenagers are still children and lack the emotional development to protect themselves.

It doesn't matter what age you were. The same thing can happen to adults. It has to do with your mind freezing up, which happens whether you're 5 or 40.