I have read and probably written many times on here about " feeling like I'm being needy"; "fear of being too needy"; "not wanting to appear needy". I told my T that I feel like an endless pit of neediness.

What does being "needy" mean to you?

My T had a very simple definition of "being needy". It of course has left me with more questions which should be expected..it's therapy. My T said "neediness" is expecting other people to do for you that which you can do for yourself

What do you think of that definition? What are something's we can't "do for ourselves"? I'm having a hard time thinking of anything. Of course there are things that are too heavy for me to lift or carry. Things I couldn't do without right equipment but I could hire people to do that...tree trimmers, etc. but what else is there?

[archipelago]

I guess I don't really have a definition since I see the term as kinda implying a judgement or something like that. I mean it seems to be used negatively in particular way. I tend to think more in terms of whether or not I'm being demanding and to what degree, is it fair or appropriate, etc. The two could be said to be related I suppose.

I frankly do not like your therapist's definition at all. And it seems to have the potential to inflict both blame and shame, two things that therapists should probably try to avoid since clients usually have enough of that already.

It is obvious to me that there are a ton of things we can't do on our own so I'm not sure where to even begin. All of our relational needs have to involve someone else most of the time and many of our emotional needs do as well. There are others but those are pretty clearly requiring human connection and seem normal and healthy so don't fit under the negative implications of "neediness."

[Terabithia]

I'm a needy person because I need reassurance from some one else that I am a good person, a smart person, talented.....I haven't yet found the power in my self to believe in my own innate worth. I think this is because I grew up with a dad who treated me like he hated me, and I internalized it. I have a feeling that neediness is not uncommon.

[wotchermuggle]

My personal definition of "needy" is needing too much of someone else. "Too much" in my books is probably very low on the scale for other people, but it's my definition nonetheless.

Originally Posted by archipelago

It is obvious to me that there are a ton of things we can't do on our own so I'm not sure where to even begin. All of our relational needs have to involve someone else most of the time and many of our emotional needs do as well. There are others but those are pretty clearly requiring human connection and seem normal and healthy so don't fit under the negative implications of "neediness."

This is a serious question... It really isn't obvious to me... What are examples of relational needs? Or even emotional needs? I am sort of living in a fortress alone right now...

[Alone & confused]

To me, needy is someone who just sits back & takes all that anyone will do for them, & it's never enough. They only want more & more from you until you have nothing left to give, while never even trying to help themselves. Like, they WON'T try, not because they can't try, but because they want someone else to fix everything for them & put fourth no effort of their own, & have little to no regard for the people who are helping them. (I'm sorry, this is more of a rant! I know people like this who make me feel very USED! And this (needy) is how I describe them.)

[archipelago]

I guess relational needs could mean a lot of things. What I mean is all the things that happen in various connections with others. Could be closeness and even intimacy or just respect and recognition (not in the sense of praise, but more in the sense of being understood). For emotional needs, there is overlap since a lot of emotions do happen in relational terms. So the need to be loved or to be considered lovable. To be comforted or supported when in distress. To feel safe. It is not clear to me that you can give any of this stuff to yourself all alone. And why should anyone feel that they would have to? We are "social primates." Regardless of temperament or culture or beliefs, there is just some basic stuff that we seek out in others.

Originally Posted by archipelago

It is not clear to me that you can give any of this stuff to yourself all alone. And why should anyone feel that they would have to? We are "social primates." Regardless of temperament or culture or beliefs, there is just some basic stuff that we seek out in others.

Through past experience I learned very early in live not to seek out anything from others...it wasn't safe to do so... And now I find I don't even know or see the possibilities.

[archipelago]

I also learned very early in life that it was not safe and that others wouldn't respond anyway. It's taken me a while to have any ability to trust someone enough to find out this does not have to be the case. It was primarily with my therapist, though I also have been in a long term committed relationship too. The kinds of experiences I have now were not possible growing up in my family. Part of the work of therapy for me has been to undo that.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by archipelago

I guess I don't really have a definition since I see the term as kinda implying a judgement or something like that. I mean it seems to be used negatively in particular way.

my first thought too

Just to clarify... I told my T about feeling like I was "needy". She in no way referred to me using that term. She then provided the definition as an indication that she didn't think I was... But T and I don't always see things the same.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Just to clarify... I told my T about feeling like I was "needy". She in no way referred to me using that term. She then provided the definition as an indication that she didn't think I was... But T and I don't always see things the same.

Thanks for clarification. The way I understand how "being needy" is used, I would define it very loosely as needing others repeatedly in ways or to the extent that people in that culture find inappropriate for that person in that situation. So there is often a judgment involved. The judgment is in a way of the person being weak in some ways, but not the type that requires help, but weakness of will or something, almost a blaming of the person.

Just because we ask someone else to do things for us that we can do for ourselves can not mean we are needy. It has to be seen as inappropriate. How do we decide that? It's not clear, that's why some people can say you're being needy and others will disagree. It depends on your age, your life situation, your abilities, cultural beliefs, etc.

I've seen it often used in situations where someone is frustrated with another inability to do something that this other person thinks that person "should" do on her own. Especially if this person is asking you for help (or implying the need for help or inability to do something without help), you may be tempted to say: Stop being so needy! Just go to the doctor by yourself, take the bus, walk, whatever! Just because nobody is willing or able to give you a ride does not mean you can't go yourself.

Of course there is an added complication in that sometimes we ourselves define us as "needy." We don't even wait for society to label us (many times we are much harsher). We ask ourselves: Is it needy of me to call my therapist again? Am I needy for coming to this forum and asking people's opinion on dating life? Am I needy for telling my girlfriend to drop by on Sunday cause I'm feeling lonely?

Sorry if unclear, this is just off the top of my head, don't have an exact definition. But I don't like the label either way, whether you apply to yourself or others do.

[Soccer mom]

I've told my T countless times that I hate the word need, don't want to appear needy etx. I forget how I said it and she replied "you don't want to be needy or don't want me to see you as needy". I said the second one. She said it's ok to need when you're going through deep stuff. OMG I just realized this was reassurance on her part! I've been complaining she doesn't reassure me. Hmmm

[Freewilled]

Idk....I struggle with a fear of being needy to the point where I think I've cut off my needs from my awareness half the time lol

I think intellectually though I know I have needs. I need help sometimes like maybe someone to talk to....or maybe just some comfort. I don't need it like I'll die without it....but it affects my quality of life when I try to do it all on my own.

But my neediness from my past pain is horrible. That neediness is that which I hate and push away. It's a pain so deep.......a childlike need. Like crying out for help...a sense of helplessness. It's not in the here-and-now....that's the stuff I'm not sure how to resolve and fear it may never go away

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Terabithia

I'm a needy person because I need reassurance from some one else that I am a good person, a smart person, talented.....I haven't yet found the power in my self to believe in my own innate worth. I think this is because I grew up with a dad who treated me like he hated me, and I internalized it. I have a feeling that neediness is not uncommon.

That's right! That is how I am needy also. I need from others what I am unable to do for myself. I can not feel self worth, value, I can not comfort myself when so empty and alone. I need the reassurance as well that I can do things, that I am capable. I fear being alone and unsupported emotionally. It cause me such problems. I just feel like I am going to implode when alone and no one lifting me up. To the point of becoming suicidal, self harm, bulimic, or the need to escape and then push everyone away.

Originally Posted by Freewilled

But my neediness from my past pain is horrible. That neediness is that which I hate and push away. It's a pain so deep.......a childlike need. Like crying out for help...a sense of helplessness. It's not in the here-and-now....that's the stuff I'm not sure how to resolve and fear it may never go away

This...I totally relate to... I call it an endless pit of neediness... I don't know what to do about it..

Originally Posted by Readytostop

What does being "needy" mean to you?

My T had a very simple definition of "being needy". It of course has left me with more questions which should be expected..it's therapy. My T said "neediness" is expecting other people to do for you that which you can do for yourself

What do you think of that definition? What are something's we can't "do for ourselves"? I'm having a hard time thinking of anything. Of course there are things that are too heavy for me to lift or carry. Things I couldn't do without right equipment but I could hire people to do that...tree trimmers, etc. but what else is there?

Your therapist's definition seems really strange.

I am one to say I'm needy. But they are emotional needs that, by definition, have to be met in a relationship. I can't meet them myself. Needing someone to believe in me, nurturing, comfort, soothing, reassurance, acceptance, etc. I feel especially needy when in emotional distress.

I frequently apologize to my therapist for being so needy. But he reassures me my needs are not too much for him, that he can handle all of my feelings, and that he is ok with my neediness.

But just because someone disavows their needs, doesn't mean that they don't exist. Some of the most needy people sometimes use this as a defense.

The example you used about carrying things is a prime example. I was so self-efficient and worked so hard to not have to need anyone that i have, in the past, actually carried furniture, including large dressers, entirely by myself. And down steps too. Just so i didn't have to ask anyone for anything. This coming from someone who is *so needy*. Looking back, i can't believe some of the things i did on my own.

My mother actually told me that when i was little, i had no needs. She said i always played quietly by myself, never fussed or cried, and as a newborn baby, slept through night as soon as i was brought home from the hospital. Later, i was steadily employed since the age of 10. No exaggeration. Again, this from someone who is so *needy*. Not just from this, but from other context, i think my mother was in denial that i was even born. Sort of like the people who give birth but didn't even know they were pregnant.

Adding:

I didn't read any of the responses before i replied. I didn't mean to negate anyone's concepts/personal experiences in my post.

This is pertaining to me and only me: to deny that I am not needy would be to deny that i never had normal, basic needs met as an infant and child. It would seem like a reality distortion to me, which for one, would trigger my PTSD. So if anyone said to me, "no, you are not needy", would not go too well at all. And needy does not always equate to demanding. It can be helpful to some, but I could never trust people who try to placate me using distortions.

Why deny reality? I AM needy. And I am ok with this. That's why I'm in therapy. I don't want anyone to try to distort the truth so that i feel better about it. If there's shame in feeling needy, disavowing it will never provide the opportunity to work through the issue and come to terms with it...acceptance.

I can so relate to the emptiness that others talked about here. The bottomless pit. Does it ever go away?

Skies... I think my T was responding to my negative connotation of "being needy"... The things you describe as needy; my T would call being human or "normal". She was saying asking for and receiving things you cannot do or give to yourself is not "being needy"... "Being needy" is asking/expecting/demanding others to do for you that which you can do for yourself...

Btw " being needy" was my term.

If I had to give an example from other things my T has said... I think she would say that expecting / demanding someone else do things/be a certain way to make you happy is "being needy". My T says that the only person I am responsible to make happy is myself. She also says it not a spouses job to make the other spouse "happy".

ETA...off topic
Ironically to me somehow trying to make someone be happy in my brain is an " easier" responsibility than being honest. My T said that a spouse has a responsibility to a spouse to be honest about your feeling.

[Perna]

A definition is not necessarily pejorative just because we don't like it? It is just a definition! We are more than just our behaviors, just our thoughts, just our feelings. I was in therapy to put all those things together. One cannot fix a behavior that bothers us by ignoring it or denying it exists. One has to see it and decide one wants to change it, recognize it for what it is and come up with a plan, just like for any problem/change desired. People who are truly "needy" do not recognize it. That we want comfort, help, etc. is not neediness. Everyone wants/needs those things from others. But if we do not understand, if we are ignorant (which most people do not like hearing they may be, either) of how something works, we want to learn?

So, being told we are needy is a good thing, we should jump on it and see if we can see what that means to the person telling us we are, if we care about and respect that person. But just categorically denying we are or will be or want to be near neediness does not move us forward. Focusing on something we are not or do not have a problem with, wastes time when we could be focusing on something that could help us become a better person/Self? Holding ourselves away from a situation does not help us anymore than being overwhelmed by a situation but at least the person overwhelmed gets some experience with the actual situation and, with help, can extricate themselves and next situation be that much wiser. Willful ignorance is no better than neediness. Refusing to jump in the water because the water wings don't match the color of your bathing suit and look well on you. . . you can't ever learn to swim. If we do thing poorly at the beginning, that's because we are beginners, which is not a negative!