it has been a hard week this week. saw t last monday (the rescheduling) and then again on friday (our usual time). the monday session was more about the day to day kind of stuff. i don't much like talking about that because it could take over and i manage to potter through fairly much okay with my IRL social supports etc.

the next session was a bit heavier. i talked a bit about my childhood. not a great deal. but a little. cried a little. just a little. he seemed really pleased that i talked about it, though. in the past... he has looked surprised when i've said something and said 'you trust me' kind of in amazement. i'm working on it... he seemed surprised like that. he didn't say anything. well, i guess he did say 'this is really important and we will keep coming back to this' and he looked a bit excited or something. does this mean i'm moving into stage two? i guess it does.

i've never talked about this past stuff before. well, that isn't quite true. i guess i have talked about it at various points. but it has always ended in my feeling really very distressed (and not knowing how to regulate that). but i have some emotion regulation skills now (after having done DBT) and i have a therapist who i fairly much trust (though that is an ongoing process) and so for the first time i'm actually talking about it properly. and... feeling it too. just a little. and it is okay.

i was a bit worried that it would make the flashbacks / ruminations worse during the week. had lots of social events over the weekend, though, and they managed to distract me from it just fine.

then the weekend was over. it began as an irratability / annoyance, i guess. wasn't sure why (i feel like that sometimes for no good reason as best i can figure). but then the pain started. haven't felt pain like that for a while. had to go home yesterday afternoon... to get away from things for a while. tempted to go home now... but there should be a seminar this afternoon that i need to get to... tempting... i might just do it yet.

pain. and memories (or similar). pain.

is it too much? maybe... depends on whether i can get into my work or not. see him on Friday (tomorrow) then off to conference over the weekend. that will distract me. see how much work i get done next week, i guess.

i wish... i wish...
i wish i could see him more. i've been thinking a lot about how i feel safe (sometimes / mostly) when i'm with him. if i was with him more then maybe i'd be better able to feel held / safe through the week... maybe... or maybe... the pain would be worse because of intensified feelings of fears of abandonment. i don't know.

gently does it... feel like things are spiralling forward / back a little too fast... feels... painful. i know it is good. i know it is. but feels painful too. i wish i could see him more. but i'll never tell him that, of course. dependency... is hard for me to cope with. don't need him don't need anyone... dependency is really really hard.

[LMo]

I'm sorry about the pain, Alexandra. You're doing important healing work, and I applaud you.

(((((((((((((((((((((LMo)))))))))))))))))))

thanks. feel heavy and kinda numb. i think i'm going to sneak off home now... i'll just check that the seminar isn't too terribly interesting... (if it is i'll come back for it). feel heavy and lethargic and sad. pain. sad. just want to sleep or watch mindless tv or listen to mindless tv while playing mindless computer game. cry.

thanks. sorry i've been an *** this week

:-(

[LMo]

there is something to be said for mindless tv in times like these. Go for it. I recommend Reno 911 if it's available over there.

(((alex)))

My friend's therapist suggests going home to mindless TV after difficult sessions.

When things start pushing up it can feel overwhelming.

((AK)) I remember saying to T once, that being in "this" room is the first time I felt safe, and its the only time I feel safe. T did say eventually that will become internalised and you will carry that safe feeling within you. I think that may have happened since then but the warmth and safety that I feel also with T hasn't been internalised completely yet and at times the yearning to be with T so I can feel those feelings is so great that I feel I am going to be ripped apart by it..and like yourself at times I just need to get away from everything its all to much to cope with along with the yearning as well..

so I hear you very much!

Mouse,

How do you cope with that yearning?

I have a huge problem with it with every T. I have it with someone I've talked to online that I feel I'll never get past. I am starting with a new T shortly and I know it will happen again.
I am so distressed when it happens that I don't know what to do. I can't find a distraction from it. It is really overwhelming.

OH Echo's my heart missed a beat when I read your post. I am currently going through it with an online friend also and had to make sure you werent that friend LOL!! (sorry to laugh but its such a coincidence and so nice to no I'm not alone eithger)

I have sat here this morning waiting for this online friend to reply to my email where I have basically told her that she is better of without me. Of course I've added alittle drama into the situation :-(

But i have that yearning inside so badddddddddd right now I can't even concentrate enought to pick the vaccum up or do the dishes. All I have inside is pain, I want to be held, I want to be in the womb!!

I also read a post by someone on here that explained they dont want to get honest because they don't want to face the reality of their situation. That just hit home. I don't want to really talk about my pain of my yearning in T because I will really have to feel whatever it is that I am so afraid of.

But aren't I already suffering? isn't the pain of constant yearning there all the time? I feel I need to make one big attempt of purging myself of this yearning.

But then I'm afraid I will be left out in the cold, with no fantasys to keep me warm? But perhaps the fantasy is keeping the matual reality at bay? If i allow myself to really explore and put words to this yearning there will be a "new" me waiting to take over? where life today is ok? where I dont need to be in the womb? I will have emerged?

Its like a big lump of yuk inside me that I won't let up but its trying to rip me apart..if i open up and let it out will I be left?

My head is screaming "Oh please god someone help me"

I guess I'm not dealing with it? I;m sitting on it preventing it from moving through my body, keeping it stuck like an energy force that is bashing against my psyche. Someone take my hand and lead me out of this.

[Fuzzybear]

[Talulah]

Hi alex................

Don't apologize for being an "***" you little lovely.....

I've been wanting to say how wonderfully articulate you are and find that you do share much personal stuff here, perhaps others aren't finding it.......but those of us that appreciate you are.

Your insights are really great. I think yes, you are moving into therapy (stages, maybe as you put it) in a positive direction. It seems it must always get scarier, more vulnerable and confusing at the points at which we are transcending into a different phase of our therapy. I am really proud of you alex, for going to that scary and exposing place where you are touching on these things you haven't disclosed in depthly to your t!

The ruminations can get hold of you dear one, so be good to yourself during those times and perhaps if they get out of control, tell t about this.....

Do you think you wish to share more with t and maybe if you saw him more you would go further in the past stuff? I hope he continues to push you (gently) a little bit because it sounds like real "meat" is coming to the table and you are about to deal with some stuff.

Umm, if the sypmtoms worsen that's probably what's gonna happen, and you need to take care of you during that intense backlash because you need to be able to cope with the outcome of touching on really difficult memories/emotions.

When I finally disclosed some trauma issues, my symptoms were through the roof! I was already on Lexapro, but the anxiety was at extreme levels, the PTSD was overwhelming, and I dissociated so badly I feared becoming lost in places and not knowing how I got there or how to get out....all because of the intensity of what was going on in therapy. I thought I was getting worse through therapy. I told t this. Naturally, my t and pdoc decided I needed to up my dose temporarily because they saw what a wreck I was after going into the past. They actually put a big hold on that past trauma stuff, until my "symptoms" were under control, then they haven't really pushed since and now I've kinda lost my nerve.

I guess I say this because I think if it's important to you, you should go to that dark place as little by little as you can with your t, because he sounds quite wonderful and like he really cares for you. Yea, the trust will fluctuate for sure and you will teeter on the edge (I do) often and if you're like me at all, I keep testing the waters all the time, which is weird after disclosing so much. You are learning to establish trust and this is something that comes and goes.

Alex, will you keep us posted? I think you're making some great progress!

[sunrise]

hi alex, all I can give are some ((((hugs)))). Hope you are doing better.

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does this mean i'm moving into stage two? i guess it does.

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alex, what is stage 2? Is this the 3 stages of therapy? I think I read about that once. How do you know when you are in stage 2? (I wonder if I have entered stage 2?)

mouse, echoes--the yearning for the T. So powerful. So scary. I tried to push it out of the way for the longest time. I was in denial I had the yearning. But it lurked there. Lately I am doing better with it. I think of T a lot, like he is there with me, and just the thought of him brings comfort. Sometimes I think "how would he react?" when I experience something. Or I hear his voice. I dream about him sometimes but last night I had a different sort of dream with him in it. It was a dream about my family members and T was in it, but was not a player, as in other dreams I've had, where he was a central figure. He was sitting off to the side, not looking at us or interacting, but he was there. I didn't look at him either, but I knew he was there, and I remember being surprised in the dream that he was there. Is that strange? It's like he was a presence there, and a comforting one, but not part of the action, which was mine.

[January]

(((((((( Alex )))))))))))

I hope things get easier for you.

Hugs,

Jan

thanks everyone. i guess i was thinking that stage / phase 1 is about building rapport, building trust, stabilisation. stage / phase 2 is where i start talking about stuff that is really hard. past hurts. stuff like that. it is a back and forth process, but i guess i've never really felt like i got to here before...

had a session on friday. managed to get into it fairly quickly (which is really very strange to me). i felt the shame. and he sat with me. for a while. not sure how long. but for a while. then he asked how i felt and i said i felt like i had a brick in my stomach. and he asked if i was aware of anything else aside from the brick. and i could feel my arms on my legs. and he talked me through being aware of my feet and stuff. and the brick went away. and he said about how it could be really helpful for me to practice mindfulness of external objects. to help ground me. and that since there wasn't all that much time left that we should reorient the session...

and i asked him whether he would still work with me if i didn't have DID. and he said 'YES i agreed to work with YOU'. and i said about how i wanted it to be about making me bigger and i didn't ever want to switch. and he said he had worked with one person with DID and one with an ego state disorder and that it took 2 years before they switched. and we talked about how traumatic memories are encoded differently. and we talked about how neglect and emotional abuse can be what is most traumatic and about how it is possible that it is those components of physical and sexual abuse that make them traumatic. and we talked about how it was hard to talk about this stuff. and about how trust was a process... and i said that i wished i could see him more. and he said that ideally i'd see him twice a week and he had been thinking about that too. and he might be able to fit me in on Tuesdays and he would see what he could do.

it was exhausting. typically i come home and sleep for 4 or 5 hours. not sleep exactly. doze. process. try and remember. feel the feeling that he is across the room for me but i feel more connected than i feel when i'm sleeping in someones arms. and how it is okay that he is across the room. and that he can be across the room and i actually don't want or need him to be any closer than that.

but i had conference over this weekend. it was a great conference. i am rather sleep deprived now though. a bit sad that i didn't get to process the session into memory... it fades... fades so fast :-(

still... only 4 days until i see him again.

i have to do some work this week.