[growlithing]

Yes, LCM is not a real T nor my real T and I need to find a real T. I'm working on it. I asked my DBT T today for a new batch of referrals, LCM tried to help me find names today too. It's still something I am working on.

So today, I saw LCM. We were having a lighthearted conversation and I asked for a hug. It fit into the discussion.

She said "I only hug you when you need one. It isn't something that we just do now"
Me: "I do need one."
LCM: "haha why?"
Me: "because no one ever hugs me"

This led into a discussion about my friends and eventually into my sexuality. Not really sexuality like gender preference but whether or not I want a boyfriend someday and my nervousness about sex. I have this weird thing where I either feel totally okay with never being in a relationship and never having sex or I'm extremely upset about it. I actually think I might be just trying to make myself think that I don't want a relationship because I think no one will ever want me. Plus I'm avoiding working out the issue I have where I deeply want to have sex and be sexual but I'm so deathly afraid of it that I don't want anything to do with it.

Then she said "now you deserve a hug and hugged me"
Me: "wait so I didn't deserve a hug when you implied that I didn't need one?"
LCM: "that's not what I meant"
Me: "that's what you said. What's the deal? Can you please not be so touch and go with this?"
LCM: "you're right. I need to think about it. Let's talk about it next time?"
Me: "please do think about it because I feel very confused"

I guess I just felt horrible about the whole thing partially because thinking about my lack of a sex life and being completely devoid of any romantic love upsets me plus and she made me feel like I have to earn her love. I know that isn't true because she hugged me when she had the urge to hug me. She felt pain for me when I talked about my issues surrounding relationships so she wanted to hug me. She didn't want to hug me before because she didn't feel that. But that's not what I felt. My actual mother would make me earn her love with grades and stuff. Feeling like I have to earn her love too was upsetting.

I know I'm just going to get people responding by saying she sucks and hurts me too much and I need to get rid of her. That's not going to happen and I don't know why I'm even posting about her. I guess I just want to talk about it. Sorry (not at all sorry) if some of you think I need more of a reason to post than just wanting to.

[wotchermuggle]

I don't know your background story very well...but I guess I'm confused as to what role LCM is playing or supposed to be playing in your life?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

I don't know your background story very well...but I guess I'm confused as to what role LCM is playing or supposed to be playing in your life?

She's my life coach.

[HazelGirl]

Yet again, she has very carelessly said something.

Could you ask friends for hugs, or just hug them when you see them? Everyone deserves to have some non-sexual physical touch in their lives.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Yet again, she has very carelessly said something.

Could you ask friends for hugs, or just hug them when you see them? Everyone deserves to have some non-sexual physical touch in their lives.

That's what she said to me. I hug one of my friends. My other friend feels weird about hugging so I don't hug her. The rest of my friends are guys and I feel weird hugging guys/they don't hug.

[wotchermuggle]

I don't really feel comfortable with the "now you deserve a hug".

Why does anyone have to anything to deserve a hug? It's like saying you have to do X to be worthy. That's really messed up.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

I don't really feel comfortable with the "now you deserve a hug".

Why does anyone have to anything to deserve a hug? It's like saying you have to do X to be worthy. That's really messed up.

I feel weird about that too. I don't know. I don't think she was actually trying to imply that. It just came off that way. I told her she needs to work it out. I don't know.

[Wren_]

LCM: "that's not what I meant"

sounds like LCM meant it in a much lighter context (to go with the lighthearted conversation you were having) than you were taking it; but it struck a nerve and bought up a lot of old feelings for you connecting to needing to earn love

sadly for many of us, this is what we were taught and what we've experienced

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

sounds like LCM meant it in a much lighter context (to go with the lighthearted conversation you were having) than you were taking it; but it struck a nerve and bought up a lot of old feelings for you connecting to needing to earn love

sadly for many of us, this is what we were taught and what we've experienced

The conversation got heavy though afterwards. It wasn't the same lighthearted conversation. I think she meant that now she felt the urge to hug me. Which is okay but she needs to be more consistent with that. I feel very accepted than rejected with the way touch in the relationship is going right now. I hope I was clear that this is a real problem. Maybe I need to tell her how it's messing with me a little more.

[Wren_]

Maybe I need to tell her how it's messing with me a little more.

good idea

[growlithing]

She also finally decided to tell me that her long term boyfriend has two kids so she sometimes sort of has three kids. I don't know how often they are around but that kinda really sucks. I figured out on my own that her boyfriend had kids but I didn't want to believe it and she never told me. And I feel jealous and just weird about it.

[growlithing]

I just feel horrible on all over tbh. 1) having to earn "mom's" love 2) upset over never having romantic love or sex 3) sharing "mom" even more. I feel less loved than normal which isn't a lot to begin with. My heart feels heavy.

[feralkittymom]

I think you've conflated "love" with "hug." Most Ts won't do anything, including hugs, if they believe that it will stifle emotion in the moment, or simply feed dependency. I think she hugged you when she did because you had done the hard work of talking about difficult stuff, not because "she felt the urge." Her using the word "deserve" was ill-chosen.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think you've conflated "love" with "hug." Most Ts won't do anything, including hugs, if they believe that it will stifle emotion in the moment, or simply feed dependency. I think she hugged you when she did because you had done the hard work of talking about difficult stuff, not because "she felt the urge." Her using the word "deserve" was ill-chosen.

So it was a reward?

[feralkittymom]

You seem determined to put a negative spin on this. She gave you the hug when she did because it was in the interests of your emotional health, whereas earlier it was not. If you only view actions within a framework of reward/punishment, it's very black/white thinking.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

You seem determined to put a negative spin on this. She gave you the hug when she did because it was in the interests of your emotional health, whereas earlier it was not. If you only view actions within a framework of reward/punishment, it's very black/white thinking.

I don't view actions as only a reward or a punishment. I originally said that I thought she hugged me because she wanted to which isn't a reward or a punishment.

I'm not arguing that maybe that was the case. That a hug then was more beneficial. I'm asking why? In what way?

[feralkittymom]

More beneficial because it was a response to your engaging in difficult talk. So you explored some of the feelings that were there, rather than want a hug to calm/distract/avoid talking about difficult feelings. Her use of the word, "deserve" I think was ill-chosen because it made it seem like the hug was a response to you as a person, rather than to your responsive behavior during this time.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

More beneficial because it was a response to your engaging in difficult talk. So you explored some of the feelings that were there, rather than want a hug to calm/distract/avoid talking about difficult feelings. Her use of the word, "deserve" I think was ill-chosen because it made it seem like the hug was a response to you as a person, rather than to your responsive behavior during this time.

I guess a hug to calm me down and make me feel better as opposed to a hug to just help me feel closer to her.

[musinglizzy]

My T gives me a long, close hug at the end of every session. No matter what the session was about....it could be lighthearted, or it could be very emotional. She hugs me anyway. Guess I'm thankful I don't need to "deserve" it. Her hugs help me realize she cares....and its a calming way to send me back off into the world after a session. So if I get no other hugs, I get a great one from her twice a week. I'm very grateful for them. They "recharge" me before sending me on my way. If I was under the impression I had to "deserve" one to get it, that would be hurtful to me. Hugs shouldn't need to have strings attached.

[A Red Panda]

A lot of people don't get hugged often by friends. Some people are huggy and openly affectionate to their friends, but a lot of people aren't.

She may have thought of something like that when she said she wasn't giving you a hug because you didn't really need one. You just wanted one at that point to feel closer to her - and it was a wise decision for her to not encourage it really.

I would be upset to if someone told me that now I'd deserved a hug. It would have been more accurate to say "After that conversation, it sounds like you actually need a hug now".

It's good that you're able to ask someone for a hug when you feel you want one. That can be hard to do! But asking LC and using her as your sole source of affecion isn't healthy, and she's aware of that. While you don't have a bf, you can start seeking out more affection from your friends (whether it involves hugs or not).

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

A lot of people don't get hugged often by friends. Some people are huggy and openly affectionate to their friends, but a lot of people aren't.

She may have thought of something like that when she said she wasn't giving you a hug because you didn't really need one. You just wanted one at that point to feel closer to her - and it was a wise decision for her to not encourage it really.

I would be upset to if someone told me that now I'd deserved a hug. It would have been more accurate to say "After that conversation, it sounds like you actually need a hug now".

It's good that you're able to ask someone for a hug when you feel you want one. That can be hard to do! But asking LC and using her as your sole source of affecion isn't healthy, and she's aware of that. While you don't have a bf, you can start seeking out more affection from your friends (whether it involves hugs or not).

Affection from friends. The ones that don't like hugging also don't like verbal affection. The non hugger I tend to "annoy" with poking and light mocking. The other friend I will sometimes lie next to when we watch a video online or something which is big for me because I feel very nervous normally when lying down near someone. I will hug her too.

My new teacher will touch my shoulder sometimes when he is saying something important or joking. It's different because I'm usually a little more jumpy about something like that. An older man around my dad's age and height touching me at all? Yeah, I actually don't know why I'm not bothered by it. I'm either getting better or I just feel safe when I play. I know I do use music as a shield now and again. If it were any other man fitting his description but outside of music, I would be upset at the idea of just meeting with him alone like I do. I guess I just trust him because my teachers have always been my biggest healthy father figures.

Anyway, I was texting LCM about my loser intern. In my session today with loser intern, we sat in silence for about 20 mins. I told LCM. She joked that maybe she should try that. After I told her she could never be quiet for 20 mins because that would require not speaking, I imagined leaning on her shoulder and saying nothing for 20 mins. I guess maybe that kind of touch that I imagined is what she wants to discourage with only hugging randomly.