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#1
Oct 08, 2014, 09:21 PM
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I wrote a post earlier in the week. It was an indirect way to try to seek some support, and of course it failed. So I'll try a more direct approach.
I try not to post my sob story here. I feel like I don't deserve to ask for support here because I have such a great relationship with my T. Other times, I just feel ignored...like my issues don't even compare with what some of you have to deal with. I know I have many good things in my life, but at the same time, I'm still suffering. My depression has been really bad this past week. I had to take my fiance to the hospital (he's fine now). But while there I had a breakdown. I was sitting there crying for 2 hours. No one did anything. Of course, my fiance was asleep due to medication, so he couldn't do anything. But the nurses and doctors said NOTHING!!! I didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether to check myself in, call the crisis line (from the hospital)... I wound up emailing my T, but I knew that she wouldn't respond back at 3am. I finally asked the nurse if I could have something to help calm me down. She told me no. I either had to go back home to get my own meds or wait it out. When I finally got home, I took 2 Ativan to prevent me from harming myself. My fiance's family told me I wasn't doing a good enough job taking care of him. I asked them what more they wanted me to do? Wipe his butt for him? Cook gourmet meals? I haven't driven by myself for 8 years, and I had to do that this week. I had to be in public alone! And that's not good enough? Few days ago, they give me $100 to say sorry. Yes, they tried to buy my forgiveness. My dog is really sick. She has at least hypothyroidism and MRSA. And probably cushings. Her fur is falling out and she has sores all over her body. The vet said if we can't figure out how to treat her, she won't live out her full life potential. We have already sunk so much money into her, and our treatment options left will cost even more. And we're actually pretty poor. Both my fiance and I live off of SSI. I can't lose my dog. She is one of four reasons I fight to live. My mom wants to leave my step-dad because of his gambling addiction and he's become verbally abusive. And then there's just the good old depression. I hate it. I hate my SUI thoughts. My T and Pdoc say that they're very similar to auditory hallucinations. They also told me that it will get better, but I will suffer from them for the rest of my life...I've spent too long with them and now it's basically ingrained into my brain...a habit. But they are so severe. While at the hospital, all I could think of was going home and killing myself or walking out into the street and laying in the middle of the road. Now at home, I keep thinking about SI or OD'ing. I fantasize about being tortured or suffering immense amounts of pain. I hate myself. I'm dealing with skin picking right now in therapy. It's similar to SI, but more along the lines of OCD. It's so difficult to talk about my body. It makes me feel nauseated just thinking about it. I finally stopped scrubbing my skin with a pumice stone, but I still want to. I feel so disgusted with myself. The things that others have done to my body, the things I've done to my body. And my T won't read my written things anymore. I have to verbalize it!!! So I had her shut off the lights and turn around so she wouldn't look at me as I described to her all the details about my skin picking. I was hyperventilating. I was shaking. Ugh! I hate the words!!!! I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I hate that my T and Pdoc care more about me that people in my personal life. I have no friends...I don't know how to. I don't really have family...biologically they're family, but not relationship wise. My fiance is abusive and controlling. He won't seek out therapy. I'm trapped in my life, in my home, and in my mind. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but no one will listen. I know I'm lucky to have my T and Pdoc, but I can't survive on their care forever. Like someone else's recent posts, I don't feel cared about by the people in my personal life. For me, I feel like they just use me. They do just enough to keep me in their life, but then they take advantage of me. And when I need help...I'm the one that's crazy. I'm ignored or even yelled at. I asked my T this week why I was able to have two really good weeks, and now all of a sudden, I'm back here at the bottom. Her response was simply that it's part of my disorder, it's the depression. I feel like I'm doomed to deal with this forever. I've spent 18 yrs trying to get better. I have been on countless meds and in so much therapy. Hell, I went to college to try to teach myself therapy! I am doing EVERYTHING I'm told to do... And here I am...drowning. I really don't want to live anymore.
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
 Anonymous100154, Anonymous100330, Anonymous37917, growlycat, guilloche, harvest moon, Petra5ed, precaryous, ThingWithFeathers, ThisWayOut, unaluna
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#2
Oct 08, 2014, 09:38 PM
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(((ScarletPimpernel)))
Wow... that's a lot to deal with. Even without the depression, that would be a LOT for ANYONE, and when you throw depression and isolation on top of that... well, geez, of course it's overwhelming. I am so sorry that things are falling apart for you right now. I'm sending lots of hugs and good energy towards you (and hoping that things find a way of turning around a bit). I wish there was something more I could do  I'm glad that your fiance is doing better... and that you do have support from a T and Pdoc.... I want to say "hang in there!" but when people have said that to me, I wanted to smack them, so maybe it's not a helpful response. But, I truly hope things turn around soon for you and get better, and that in the mean time, you can get a little rest.... |
 ScarletPimpernel
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#3
Oct 08, 2014, 09:42 PM
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I'm sorry everything is so hard for you at the moment. I wish there was something I could say that would help, but I'm not very good with words myself. You have a lot of challenging stuff going on in your life, and I think you're dealing with it the best way you know how. Depression is such a horrible beast. I'm sorry that you are struggling
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| ScarletPimpernel
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#4
Oct 08, 2014, 10:06 PM
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Hey, hope I didn't copy your subject line, I only just noticed! I'm with you girl. My life is miserable and I wish I was dead (but don't want to offend anyone with suicide talk.) all I can say is, you sound depressed. Are you on meds? They say depression is a treatable illness. For me, I came off all my meds for personal reasons. I think this has been not good for my brain chemistry.
Anyways take this to heart. F your soon to be inlaws. F what anyone thinks. We should take care of ourselves and stop giving a crap about others. |
| ScarletPimpernel
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| ScarletPimpernel
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#5
Oct 08, 2014, 10:25 PM
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Quote:
I would love to stop giving a crap about others. But my fear is being homeless again. I depend on my in-laws for housing and transportation
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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#6
Oct 08, 2014, 10:28 PM
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I am so sorry you have so much that you are dealing with.... I am glad you have us to vent to.. we do care about you and I personally feel your pain... hang in there.
If you haven't learned to practice mindfulness and meditation, it might be something you can look into... I was in the same situation as far as wanting life to end a week ago, now I am doing better.... it is good you have a T that cares, but I know how hard it is to need someone and the only one that seems to really care is your T.... hang in there! we are here for you and we do care... Healing takes time..... we have ups and downs, and this is a safe place to vent and get support. I care about you and am sending good thoughts your way..
__________________
Lindsey “Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger” - Sarah Evans Wise words I am trying to learn to live by and will slowly learn to believe as I heal...... “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” - Steve Maraboli |
| ScarletPimpernel
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#7
Oct 08, 2014, 10:33 PM
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I am really really sorry I didn't respond earlier this week. You have so much going on, I wish I knew what to say other than I wish you had a break from the pain.
It makes me angry to read that the hospital staff was so cold and that your H's family was so demanding. And having a sick pet!!! Oh, I know how hard that is. I had a diabetic older kitty and he was a money pit but I couldn't bear to lose him. I finally had to decide based on his quality of life, which was only going to worsen once he was diagnosed with heart disease. Is your dog treatable? Sounds like he might be? Both Petsmart and Petco have charitable foundations--you may want to seek out info on that. Maybe someone can point you to the right organization that could offset your dog's health costs. I am also mad at your T. You don't have to feel this way for the rest of your life. That is lazy and uncaring for her to say!!! Ever considered a new T, one that can offer a path to hope? Take care
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| ScarletPimpernel
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| ScarletPimpernel
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#8
Oct 08, 2014, 11:01 PM
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Quote:
I know that there are some places that can help with the cost, and if it comes down to it, I will seek out assistance. But I feel like I need to put in as much money as I possibly can before seeking handouts. Maybe I wasn't clear? My T does not think I will suffer as severely as I am for the rest of my life. She thinks I'll have depression and sui thoughts for the rest of my life, but through therapy I will learn how to cope with my symptoms enough to where it doesn't affect my quality of life. My T is very positive. She's always telling me how much she believes in me. She even told me that the reason she took me on as a client is because of my potential. I will NEVER get rid of my T. She's going to have to give me the boot before I will let go... Only other way I'm leaving her is if I take my own life.
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| growlycat
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#9
Oct 08, 2014, 11:10 PM
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I'm sorry you've got so much on your plate right now that you are struggling with... sending hugs and good thoughts your way...
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#10
Oct 08, 2014, 11:30 PM
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Scarlet,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I totally relate to the depression as well as to the sick pet. I have two cats that are high maintenance...once esp. so. He has heart disease and kidney issues (he's had 3 surgeries) plus a colon issue. Luckily he's feeling good (I do a lot for him, and his vets are amazing) but he's incredibly expensive (insanely so) and about to be 13. I worry constantly, but I love him more than anything else, and he needs me to take care of him.  Do you have a vet school near you? Just wondering if there might be a lower cost alternative that you have not considered, but it sounds like you are doing what you can and considering all the options. I hope things improve for you, sending you hugs.
__________________
"Take me with you, I don't need shoes to follow, Bare feet running with you, Somewhere the rainbow ends, my dear." - Tori Amos |
| ScarletPimpernel
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| ScarletPimpernel
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#11
Oct 08, 2014, 11:44 PM
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Pets mean so much to people nowadays. My T and I were talking about it a few weeks ago. Cats and dogs have less diseases, better diets, and get more exercise than humans. Why can scientists discover new medication, surgeries, etc to prolong human life, but not pets lives. Pets are consider family members to many. I want them to live a long healthy life. They are so much more than a pet/companion.
I lost one of my other dogs 2 years ago. She was born with underdeveloped kidneys, and her vet at the time never caught it. She could never hold her bladder and the vet blamed us that we didn't do a good job potty training her. So we lost our dog because of an ignorant vet when all we had to dois change her diet! I hope that all of you who have pets that are sick, that they can be treated to at least maintain their quality of life.
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| UnderRugSwept
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| UnderRugSwept
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#12
Oct 08, 2014, 11:48 PM
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I found these links at another site in regards to pet health assistance:
(it isn't a handout--pet lovers set up these funds for a reason.  )Financial Resources to help with Vet bills - Canine Cushing's Information and Support Forums IMOM Financial Aid - Intro (IMOM) American Animal Hospital Assn helping pets aahahelpingpets.org The Pet Fund: The Pet Fund | Veterinary Care Funding http://angels4animals.org Discount drug sites: trxa ACTSS Animal Cancer Therapy Subsidization Society (Alberta, Canada) Welcome to ACTSS Angels4Animals http://www.angels4animals.org assistance dogs (for guide dogs, etc.) IAADP Membership Benefits Canine Cancer Awareness Canine Cancer Awareness Cody's Club (Radiation treatment) Codys Club DDEAF Emergency Med. Sup. Fund (deaf dogs) DDEAF's Donation Page Farley Foundation (Ontario, Canada) The Farley Foundation: Helping Pets, Helping People in Ontario, Canada Information about The Farley Foundation GoldenMed http://www.goldstockfund.org/TGF/goldenmedfund.html Goldstock general rescue fund http://www.goldstockfund.org/TGF/maingeneralfund.html HandicappedPets.com http://hpets.org/component/content/a...oundation.html Apply for Help HandicappedPets.com's list of Financial aid organizations: 404 Error Helen Redlus Memorial Fund http://www.goldstockfund.org/TGF/hrmfund.html Help-A-Pet http://www.help-a-pet.org/ Magic Bullet Fund (cancer) Fight Canine Cancer NY S.A.V.E. (New York City only) NY Save Orthodogs Orthodogs' Silver Lining PDSA (British) Animal Charity - Pet Health Care & Pet Advice from PDSA, UK Pet Fund (includes exotics) The Pet Fund Senior Dogs list http://www.srdogs.com/Pages/needhome...resources.html Sierra Fund - cancer http://www.goldstockfund.org/TGF/mainsierrafund.html United Animal Nations RedRover Relief | RedRover |
| IndestructibleGirl, precaryous
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#13
Oct 08, 2014, 11:52 PM
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Also, from personal experience w/my diabetic cat--- if your pet is on a "human" medication, you don't have to buy it through your vet. Many pharmacies (target cvs and walgreens) will fill it, often cheaper.
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#14
Oct 08, 2014, 11:53 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| growlycat
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#15
Oct 08, 2014, 11:58 PM
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I went out today to get another tattoo. I'm supposed to be tattooing all the places I SI since it really does stop me from doing it again in that area. But I choose to do it today so I could injure myself in a beneficial way? I know I'm not supposed to do it for the pain, but is it so wrong to enjoy the added short-term benefit?
I am happy with the tattoo though. *TRIGGER WARNING* Don't click pic if scars trigger you!
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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#16
Oct 09, 2014, 12:00 AM
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*I noticed one of the first links imom is no longer accepting applications but they gave another list of resources instead:
http://imom.org/fa/pdf/fasources.pdf |
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#17
Oct 09, 2014, 12:04 AM
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Quote:
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| growlycat
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#18
Oct 09, 2014, 12:06 AM
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Quote:
You mentioned the food you needed for your dog (I am sorry you had such a poor vet at the time, my heart goes out to you)...nutrition has come a long way, that's for sure. The kidney food my cat is on has kept him from forming any more stones, thank god! Another example...my vet told me that research now does not automatically recommend treating cats with heart disease with medication...that there is a genetic component that often determines how far it will progress regardless of meds. I have opted not to treat my current cat for his heart disease as I lost a cat in 2008 for a bad reaction to his heart medication (it was awful). So research on what NOT to do is also very useful, I think. Here are a few links, if you are interested, with some veterinary advances...a lot are diagnostic in nature: The newest advances in veterinary technology New cancer drug for dogs benefits human research, drug development -- ScienceDaily This last one is sad re: families losing pets, so trigger warning: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/26/yo...care.html?_r=0 (But they can do kidney transplants on dogs...for $25,000!!)
__________________
"Take me with you, I don't need shoes to follow, Bare feet running with you, Somewhere the rainbow ends, my dear." - Tori Amos |
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#19
Oct 09, 2014, 12:16 AM
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I love your tattoo, Scarlet. What body part did you get that done on? The feather is esp. good. I have 9 tattoos. The one I got right on my wrist hurt so much I could barely breathe when I was getting it done...and it's so tiny.
__________________
"Take me with you, I don't need shoes to follow, Bare feet running with you, Somewhere the rainbow ends, my dear." - Tori Amos |
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#20
Oct 09, 2014, 04:18 AM
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Quote:
My next tattoo will be on my left thigh. It's going to be a ribbon corset (like it's keeping mt scars together). It's going to be an orange with black outline ribbon because that's the color of self-injury awareness ribbon. The bow of the ribbon will be the infinity symbol with a semi-colon.
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| UnderRugSwept
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| UnderRugSwept
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#21
Oct 09, 2014, 04:44 AM
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I don't know whether or not to email my T. I'm supposed to when I get really bad. But I feel like I'm not trying hard enough to use my coping skills. Plus, I don't want to worry her. I feel like I keep disappointing her. That or I always worry that I'm seeking attention my reaching out.
But I gave into letting my mind wander tonight. I was looking up some things on SUI. I realized I have everything I need to be successful. And tomorrow I will be alone for 8 hrs minimum. Part of me hopes the thoughts will lessen on their own. Another part of me is scared. But there's this other part of me that wants to go through with it. I wish people would understand how difficult it is to have these thoughts every single day, and then have to fight them. When your happy, the thoughts are just nagging. But when your depressed, it's like adding fuel to the fire. The depression makes the thoughts logical. And it is so tempting...in 13 hrs I could make myself free from this pain. No more fighting. No more abuse. No more everything. Why does there have to be so much pain? I read everyone else's pain and it hurts. It hurts because I don't like seeing others hurt. I want to help minimize it. But it also hurts because I know so many of us are putting in so much effort and there is still so much pain. I see the care you all express to each other. The little ways you can offer support through the Internet. And for people like that who can reach out to others even when they're hurting, why do we seem to suffer more than the rest of the people in our lives? We can't be all that bad? I just don't understand.
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| growlycat, JaneC
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#22
Oct 09, 2014, 04:52 AM
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I think an email to therapist would be a good idea. What could it hurt? You will be doing what your therapist asked, because she cares, and you will also be doing something caring towards yourself.
sorry things are so hard scarlet
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| ScarletPimpernel
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#23
Oct 09, 2014, 05:00 AM
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Quote:
Edit: Sorry for sounding so urgent, I just really hope you reach out to your t. Last edited by ThingWithFeathers; Oct 09, 2014 at 05:45 AM. Reason: Additional note |
| ScarletPimpernel
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#24
Oct 09, 2014, 05:38 AM
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I was feeling really bad this week and called T. When he called back it was a huge relief and a reminder that T does really care.
Hope you can reach out! |
| ScarletPimpernel
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#25
Oct 09, 2014, 06:01 AM
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Please call your T, Scarlet. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain, and I really think that coping skills can only take you so far, you know?
__________________
"Take me with you, I don't need shoes to follow, Bare feet running with you, Somewhere the rainbow ends, my dear." - Tori Amos |
| ScarletPimpernel
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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