Struggling

Scarlet, I'm so sorry you are in such pain. You have an awful lot on your plate so it's not surprising you're so depressed. I know how hard it is to have all this and then chronic depression on top of it all. My thoughts are with you. And you are coping better than you think you are- reaching out on PC is a positive thing. You are taking some kind of action to find help. But with all this I still think you should call or email your therapist- you're in a lot of pain and just a couple of minutes of reassurance might be all you need. It's not asking for a lot.

I did email my T. She said she will call sometime within the next hr or 2.

I even told my fiance about my thoughts. Of course, his response was "Don't".

I know this is what I'm supposed to do, but I hate feeling like I'm a burden. I want to take care of it myself. I know I'm fortunate to be able to contact my T, but I always worry about over using it. I mean, she is busy and has a ton of other priorities.

Thank you all for your support. It does help knowing that i can reach out and someone out there understands and I'm not completely alone.

It's not fun being in this state.

T gave me some options:
1. Crisis House (Her first choice, but I don't want to go)
2. Hospital (I don't want to go because of how they treated me)
3. My moms (That place is full of chaos)
4. Give the pills to my fiance when he goes to school (Her concern is that I would figure out a different method)
5. Go to school with my fiance.

We chose for me to go to school with my fiance.

I told her I felt guilty for her having to call. I told her that I felt like I was disappointing her because I feel like I should be able to handle this on my own with my coping skills. She was sweet. She said she is a coping skill for me. She said everyone should have someone to reach out to when they need it. And I should be able to reach out to anyone on my "support team". She said she is proud of me.

I told her that having these thoughts isn't fair. I don't want them. I don't choose to have them. She said she knows. That in reality I don't want to die.

She told me to bring my dogs and the book I'm supposed to be reading. She also told me to fill out some worksheets to challenge my thoughts. And she wants me to update her in 2 hrs.

I'm so grateful for her. She never gets mad at me even though I fear she will. I know how much I worry her when I'm in this state, yet she tells me she trust me. She never takes the control away from me except if a time comes where I absolutely need it.

Do not marry this man. Do not have children with this man. Get out now.

Easier said than done.

Are you financially dependent?

Yeah. His family owns our house. I depend on my fiance for transportation. His family pays for our cable/internet bill and gasoline bill. My fiance pays for our cell phones. I pay for gas/electric. The rest of our money goes towards food and vet bills.

I don't know what to do! My T is trusting me to tell her if I can't cope on my own. But I don't want to go to the hospital or a crisis house.

All I keep thinking about is SUI. I can't shake the thoughts. And now I feel like abandoning my T which I know is a really bad sign. I just don't feel like a crisis house or hospital can help. They're going to mess around with my meds (in fact the crisis house won't allow me any of my PRNs). So what magic therapy are they going to offer me? Oh wait! Last time I was ignored because I'm too high functioning and I have a house to go home to.

I just keep sinking.

PLEASE call your t!

Peaches

We all care about you! I hope today is a better day and that you are able to call your T. again if you need help. Please keep talking to us and letting us know how you're feeling!

I went with my fiance to school like my T told me to. But my thoughts weren't getting any better.

I did call my T last night. We talked for a long time. She wanted me to go to the hospital to just be assessed. She said if I went in voluntary, they couldn't force being admitted. I called up the hospital and asked...nope, the could force me to be admitted

But I got a lot of support and encouragement from my T.

My hope is that I can just ride this out. It's already been a week, so I maybe have about another week left? So I figure, if I take my PRNs regularly this week and make sure to not be alone, I might be able to survive on my own?

Yes, you CAN do it as painful as it might be! You know I'm not one to show emotion (was told I couldn't cry as a child) but I teared up at your posts. You may not feel it, but losing you would really affect those around you! How often do you go to your T? If once a week can you increase to twice to get you through?

My T wants to see me twice a week, but it's not possible. My insurance will only approve once a week, and I cannot afford to pay out-of-pocket for the extra one. And even the once a week we're fighting the insurance for more of.

But at least she makes herself fairly available to me. The first time we talked yesterday, she was driving to work. Last night when she was talking to me, she was driving home from the store. She can't be there 100%, but she really does go above and beyond for me. Like last night, she saw that I called. Instead of listening to the vm, she called me back asap because she knew if I called it was extremely important. She even emailed me this morning checking up on me.

Sometimes I wish I had a little therapy doll that I could carry around and when I pushed the button it would be my T's encouraging words. Though I know that the point of therapy is to learn to say those words to myself.

I don't view my life as valuable. I actually view myself as a waste. A waste of intelligence, empathy, and skill. People tell me all the time how much potential I have. That I could be a doctor, lawyer, architect, teacher, counselor. They tell me I could sell my arts and crafts. But instead of using all this supposed potential to give back to the world, I'm trapped here in my own mind.

I know people care about me and depend on me, but I also know they would leave me in a instant. They are more important to me than I am to them. It's always been that way.

I do apologize if I hurt or affect any of you negatively. That is not my intention at all.

No need to apologize!!! You affect us in a positive way!! I forgot about the insurance problem. Glad you're still here!

I think my T is mad or frustrated with me now.

She responded to one of my emails saying that we have a lot to talk about on Tuesday. The way she wrote it, it sounded like she was mad. So I emailed her back asking if she was mad at me. Her response was: "No. Stop worrying about me. Focus on taking care of yourself today."

To me, it sounds so cold and emotionless. I think I've worn her down. I know she's done a lot for me this week and I know I've misinterpreted/over-read her emails before, but to me her response sounds like she's fed up.

I can't email her again, not after that response. I don't feel I can contact her again for the rest of the week. I'm afraid she's done with me. I don't want to see her next week now. I'm scared of her.

Am I over-reacting because I feel so vulnerable right now? Is it me just looking for another reason to take my life? Would any of you take that response negatively? I feel so much more alone now. I didn't mean to upset her

No do not take it personally! She's right: you need to take care of you. And it's so hard to interpret electronic communication. Part of the Four Agreements is not to assume and not to take things personally. Sounds like you are doing both. I think you are reading too much into it. She obviously cares about you!

My life sucks....

So I did email my T back, and I was interpreting her email wrong. She gave me lots of reassurance.

Then today, my grandma-in-law was taken to the hospital. They thought she had pneumonia. Turns out her chronic pain due to arthritis caused high blood pressure which mimiced flu and pneumonia symptoms. But still, for 5 hours I was truly worried we were going to lose her.

Then my mom was supposed to pick me up and take me to a charm party at my sister's house (like a candle party but instead charm bracelets). We were going to be late because my mom had to work, but we were still supposed to go. I texted her asking her when she was going to pick me up, and she then told me that she had decided to not take me. I asked her to come over to spend time with me, that I needed her. She told me she couldn't because she was going to the casino with my step-dad.

And on top of all that, I think with all these thoughts and depression, I forgot to feed my dogs breakfast! I never forget my dogs... I have always remembered their food, water, medications, vet appts.

I'm such a failure.

So great about your T. giving you reassurance - keep internalizing that.

That's sweet you were worried about your grandma-in-law. It's never easy when someone we love goes in the hospital.

That sucks that your mom let you down - especially when you're excited about doing something.

It's totally understandable you are forgetting things like feeding your dogs. you have a lot on your mind and in your heart. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure the love and attention you gave them when you realized it made up for eating later than usual!

You're not a failure! I'm pretty sure your T. would want you to tell yourself something in place of that negative thought.

one day a time....you can do it....
You see your T. Tuesday?

Yep. Tuesday. Can't be here soon enough. I keep having melt downs.