[Depletion]

Has anyone here ever sought consultation from another therapist about their main therapist. How did you find someone for the consultation? Was it helpful?

[ShrinkPatient]

I did. It was about a year into my therapy and my T and I were having communication issues. Well, I should say I was having communication issues. I was (am) VERY fearful of rejection and the idea of opening up made me feel vulnerable. For weeks, We had been talking about the possibility of me writing her letters or allowing her to see some entries in my journal. After three months trying to decide if I trusted her enough to do that, I decided to see another T to help me figure myself out. My real T was not overjoyed about this btw. I went to the other T and told her my issue about opening up and trusting my T enough to allow her to read my scribbles. Right off the bat the new T pointed out how patient my T was and attentive to my needs and fears. I knew this already but when she said it the significance echoed in my thoughts. Then, she asked me why I really came to see her. I repeated what I had already said. She asked me if I wanted to trust my T. I said yes I really did want to trust her or else I wouldn't have asked new T to help me. She looked at me and said..."(my name), what I think you really want is for someone to tell you it's ok to trust your T because you don't trust yourself." She was right!! That was a year and a half ago. It was one visit and it did the trick. I still struggle sometimes but I've sent her numerous emails and journal entries filled with things I can't bring up in therapy.



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[Depletion]

Originally Posted by ShrinkPatient

Then, she asked me why I really came to see her. I repeated what I had already said. She asked me if I wanted to trust my T. I said yes I really did want to trust her or else I wouldn't have asked new T to help me. She looked at me and said..."(my name), what I think you really want is for someone to tell you it's ok to trust your T because you don't trust yourself." She was right!! That was a year and a half ago. It was one visit and it did the trick. I still struggle sometimes but I've sent her numerous emails and journal entries filled with things I can't bring up in therapy.
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I think that I have the same issue. I've had some bad T's and gone through some other things that cause me to doubt my intuition.

[ShrinkPatient]

I don't know about your T but when I look back at all the effort my T makes to earn my trust over and over again, I know I made the right decision. It's the only thing I've been sure of in 10 years. Trust is hard for me. It's terrifying

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[Depletion]

Originally Posted by ShrinkPatient

I don't know about your T but when I look back at all the effort my T makes to earn my trust over and over again, I know I made the right decision. It's the only thing I've been sure of in 10 years. Trust is hard for me. It's terrifying

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I worry about her own mental health interfering with therapy. When we started therapy together she told me that my mom couldn't love me because she couldn't love herself. I guess that I just get worried about the same thing with her.

[ThingWithFeathers]

You wrote about compassion fatigue a little while ago (iI think). Is it that you've felt a strong shift in the way she interacts with you? What are the signs you've noticed? I haven't any experience with seeing another t about my t, but am curious about your experience.

[MrPink182]

I thought about this when the Transference started to happen....

[Soccer mom]

Yes just a few weeks ago I went to another T (one who knows mine well) and told her issues I was having and wondering whether my T would really be able to help me through my transference. She pointed out how much my T and I think alike, that I shouldn't try to rush through therapy to be done and that I shouldn't always go in with an agenda. She also said she would never tell my T I saw her and even discussed what she would say if we all saw each other which could happen in our small town. I haven't told my T but she knows that I wanted to quit and thought about switching T's.

[sweepy62]

Wow, I consulted my h friend from NYC , we used to live there, who is a t. He said is was unethical for him to give opinions about my t, while I was still in treatment .

I did, and ended up leaving my therapist (T1) in favor of the consulting therapist (T2). T2 was really helpful by explaining the extreme transference feelings I was having towards T1, and helped me sort out whether or not it was best for me to continue with t1. I found her her easier to talk to, with less of the emotional mess that was torturing me with T1. It's my feeling that just because you are 'attached' to a T, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to stay with them and endure excessive emotional upheaval. In life, if you fall in love with someone and are rejected, you have the opportunity to feel it, avoid them and move on. In therapy it's almost in possible to get over them when you are intimate with them weekly. I'm sure for others, working things through is helpful, but for me, switching gave me the distance to do the work that needed to get done instead of focusing excessively on the relationship so that the point of therapy was lost.

[missbella]

Originally Posted by Clementine K

I did, and ended up leaving my therapist (T1) in favor of the consulting therapist (T2). T2 was really helpful by explaining the extreme transference feelings I was having towards T1, and helped me sort out whether or not it was best for me to continue with t1. I found her her easier to talk to, with less of the emotional mess that was torturing me with T1. It's my feeling that just because you are 'attached' to a T, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to stay with them and endure excessive emotional upheaval. In life, if you fall in love with someone and are rejected, you have the opportunity to feel it, avoid them and move on. In therapy it's almost in possible to get over them when you are intimate with them weekly. I'm sure for others, working things through is helpful, but for me, switching gave me the distance to do the work that needed to get done instead of focusing excessively on the relationship so that the point of therapy was lost.

That's what I'd think too. Though therapy might *feel* like a marriage, there are no assets or child custody issues involved. If the relationship becomes draining rather than enhancing, about --the relationship--rather than about your growth, and continues with no resolution, I see no virtue in staying.

However if you've experienced gaslighting, abuse bullying, etc. I'd think it helps to seek a third party for distance and perspective.

[HazelGirl]

You can definitely find another T to help you. But I would encourage you to at least attempt to talk about your problems with your current T first.

I went to see two different therapists for a consult about my current therapist. The first was not helpful and wanted me to start therapy with HIM right away, instead of continue my current T. He started talking about red flags, etc. The second therapist was much more mellow and talked about how it can be therapeutically appropriate for a therapist to tell a client how the therapist feels. We talked about how the boundaries in my current T relationship were good, and the reasons to continue with current T versus changing. The second T was actually helpful in getting me to see both the upside and downside of continuing with the current T.

[roimata]

I intended to and had an appointment set up for this past Tuesday, but I cancelled it.

My issue with it was about being secretive and not wanting to damage the relationship I have with my primary therapist. But I do not see a problem with it and would probably go through with it if not for encumbering anxiety.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

You wrote about compassion fatigue a little while ago (iI think). Is it that you've felt a strong shift in the way she interacts with you? What are the signs you've noticed? I haven't any experience with seeing another t about my t, but am curious about your experience.

Sorry, I haven't had time to respond until now. But yes, I am worried about compassion fatigue with her. But I have a lot of issues with trust in therapy since I have been retraumatized by previous therapists.

I don't know if there is a strong shift in the way that she interacts with me exactly, but I just get really worried about her self care. As I've mentioned on here before, she seems to have some kind of eating issue going on. That has been there since the start of therapy. I get really worried about the eating thing because, I know that it is a problem that my sister has. And I know with my sister it is a really big sign that she is not dealing with her emotions. And I worry a lot about T's who don't deal with their emotions, because I'm pretty sure that is how I got hurt in the past. And I get worried that if she does't have anyone to talk to that she will end up taking it out on me.

She also made a comment a few times ago, when I told her that I wanted her to be more emotive when I told her about things that were painful, that she doesn't ever have strong reactions to things unless they are just really, really out there kind of bad things. And she said that she is like that in her personal life. She has also made frequent comments when I come to see her about having a crazy day, or feeling exhausted, or not having a life. These comments seem jovial and friendly, and maybe she thinks that I will connect with them, but really they just make me worried that she is too tired to be therefore me. I sent her an email after our last session asking her to stop making those kind of comments.

She also made some other comments in the past about her family being weird. And she said something about not having many friends. We talked about my discomfort with knowing these things, and my worry that she didn't have anyone to talk to. She seemed to change her persona a bit after that, and has been less forth coming about those kinds of things.

And then when I last saw her I told her about my cousin who also has a psychology degree who worked in detention with Juvenile offenders. I was having coffee with this cousin one time and she started bragging about how she was the only woman who worked in this place who hadn't been rapped, and that she knew how to do her job better than the other people who where there because was supposedly and expert at not getting raped. This really hurt me a lot because I'm a survivor (but my cousin doesn't know). And I said that I thought that my cousin should have been more sensitive because of her psychology degree, and my T said that her and I had a difference of opinion about this because my T said that she would see no reason to be sensitive in her personal life just because she is a therapist. But I'm really not sure if she understood how insensitive my cousin was being.

Anyway, I'm having a hard time telling if I'm just being oversensitive to my T, and the way that she is about some stuff or if there really is some kind of problem. Its all very possible that all of this is coming up not because I'm kind of on the prepuces of working through some more serious things in therapy. And its not like my T is an insensitive jerk all the time, after we stopped arguing about her self care last time, she said that it seems like I have this pattern of testing her, and that that was ok, and that I could do it as much as I needed. And she has written me some caring emails in the past.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Wow - okay, so there's a lot going on there! From what you've written, I too would be looking to see another t for consultation. While there may be some transference there (drawing the similarities between your t's eating behaviour and your sister's issues, and what that parallel may mean), I also think there are things that would cause me to stop and question things. It's not so much her lack of emotion, rather her stating that nothing made her feel deeply unless it was really, really serious. I'd take issue with that. Where's the empathic attunement there? Also the lack of understanding around SA and your feelings about the situation. I understand she has some genuinely good qualities, but I think testing the waters with a new t might help a great deal. Good luck!

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

Wow - okay, so there's a lot going on there! From what you've written, I too would be looking to see another t for consultation. While there may be some transference there (drawing the similarities between your t's eating behaviour and your sister's issues, and what that parallel may mean), I also think there are things that would cause me to stop and question things. It's not so much her lack of emotion, rather her stating that nothing made her feel deeply unless it was really, really serious. I'd take issue with that. Where's the empathic attunement there? Also the lack of understanding around SA and your feelings about the situation. I understand she has some genuinely good qualities, but I think testing the waters with a new t might help a great deal. Good luck!

Thanks so much, I will surely think about it.