[Amandasmom]

I told my T today that I started to cut myself again after 6 months of no cutting. She said she was disappointed but see why I did it. If I was her, I would be so upset, furious, screaming etc. We put in many hours to create a detailed plan.

I didn't say anything to my T but don't know how she stayed so calm. She was nice about it as I was beating myself up.

My question is.....isn't a T suppose to mimic the good relationships you will have in the real world. In the real world, if someone helped you create a plan and then you relapse, they would show emotions and be upset. Shouldn't she showed some emotions. I wish she did. Or does she need to stay neutral all the time?

[krisakira]

Originally Posted by Amandasmom

I told my T today that I started to cut myself again after 6 months of no cutting. She said she was disappointed but see why I did it. If I was her, I would be so upset, furious, screaming etc. We put in many hours to create a detailed plan.

I didn't say anything to my T but don't know how she stayed so calm. She was nice about it as I was beating myself up.

My question is.....isn't a T suppose to mimic the good relationships you will have in the real world. In the real world, if someone helped you create a plan and then you relapse, they would show emotions and be upset. Shouldn't she showed some emotions. I wish she did. Or does she need to stay neutral all the time?

I've always felt like, for me, the less people reacted about my cutting, the easier it was for me to stop, since it didn't feel like a big deal anymore.

[Leah123]

I agree that her being less reactive was best and would be most helpful in real relationships. Being reactive and getting emotionally tangled up about someone else's behavior is common in outside relationships, but not in the healthiest ones. Rather, like when my daughter does something harmful, it's up to me to help her, not to rant at her. I'm her teacher, and need to teach her by example, so while my response may be constrained, it is authentic and purposeful, as I think was your therapist's. However, I hope you don't interpret her lack of negative emotions as a lack of caring- I don't believe that's the case. Perhaps you expect that from past relationships? How did your parents react when you did something negative?

[stopdog]

For me, I expect the therapist to have no reaction. If the therapist ever told me she was disappointed in something I had done, it would not be good.

[ScarletPimpernel]

A T should not overly react. In the real world, most people tend to over-react because they don't understand SI. A T does/should understand. Part of therapy is not just mimicking real life relationships, but preparing you for real life experiences and relationships. SI is something you want to learn to cope with/stop in order to have healthier real life relationships.

[archipelago]

I understand why you are asking the questions you are. I myself do not like neutrality. When I'm in session I expect attunement so some emotional responsiveness. But remaining calm may not be a sign of being neutral, but rather of trying to be accepting. I don't know. I don't know what your therapist is like or the backstory.

Perhaps an example of a different situation might help. When a child falls and skins her knee and comes in crying, the mother tries to attune to the child to soothe her. This is usually by trying to calm the child down while at the same time recognizing that she is hurting. If the mother reacted by showing the same level of emotion as the child (i.e. screaming and crying), the child would feel intense distress, would not be able to return to baseline, and could be damaged if this were repeated enough.

[Leah123]

That's exactly what I meant about my daughter: that getting upset with her wouldn't help.

[unaluna]

Yeah that would be like how to train your kid to be codependent. The kid falls, but it hurts mom more? Not a good message to send.

[archipelago]

Not just codependent but actually psychotic apparently if the misattunement is so off that the volume is always turned up rather than down. Of course harm can occur if the kid is not recognized at all too. It is a tricky thing to do it just right. I tend to give therapists credit for trying and lots of room for getting it slightly off. After all, they are not a parent to us. They have to develop an intuitive sense of what we need based on seeing us usually for 50 minutes a week. And they have many other people all with different buttons and settings. I'm frankly amazed that they get it so close so often.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Amandasmom

I told my T today that I started to cut myself again after 6 months of no cutting. She said she was disappointed but see why I did it. If I was her, I would be so upset, furious, screaming etc. We put in many hours to create a detailed plan.

I didn't say anything to my T but don't know how she stayed so calm. She was nice about it as I was beating myself up.

My question is.....isn't a T suppose to mimic the good relationships you will have in the real world. In the real world, if someone helped you create a plan and then you relapse, they would show emotions and be upset. Shouldn't she showed some emotions. I wish she did. Or does she need to stay neutral all the time?

I feel that a calm, soothing demeanor is most common with cutting behavior and specialists. You are in distress, it's there role to offer a safe,kind environment. How can healthy reactions be emotionally charged? I just reflect on a guidance counselor or was it a school nurse, when my friends in jr high took me into see.
I'd compare to a triage nurse dealing with emergencies of all sorts, creating calm over chaos.

Why is disappointed your first expected reaction from others? Just something to ponder about your own personal history.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Amandasmom

In the real world, if someone helped you create a plan and then you relapse, they would show emotions and be upset.

I don't think this premise is universal. I do not react in such a way when I have helped someone who failed to follow it. I especially do not react this way when working with students who are working to overcome anxiety and stress etc and have set backs.
My friends do not respond to me like this when they have helped me and I do something else. They do not get upset.

[Lauliza]

No a T should not react withr the emotion of a friend or family member - they are not either of those things and most don't pretend to be. Ts are human beings so they of course feel emotions, and maybe they show a hint of what they are feeling, but most will react professionally. Much like an EMT or a nurse in an emergency situation, they are trained to remain calm so you remain calm. A strong emotional reaction from my T or pdoc when I cut would not have been helpful for me at all. In fact that's the last thing Id want from anyone, especially a T. I'd want calm support and guidance, not an over reaction.

[~Christina]

I have cut off and on pretty much all my life...

My T and I worked so hard on my quitting .. Yeah I had some slip ups .. He never got upset he just asked what I was feeling and why I cut if I even knew why.. Calm cool collected .. Had he freaked I would have lost my mind !

I have been cut free for 18 months , its possible. Takes time.

[Partless]

delete...

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Amandasmom

My question is.....isn't a T suppose to mimic the good relationships you will have in the real world. In the real world, if someone helped you create a plan and then you relapse, they would show emotions and be upset. Shouldn't she showed some emotions. I wish she did. Or does she need to stay neutral all the time?

That's a good point and I think people can argue for and against it, like for neutrality or showing emotions. A lot of times when people have shown strong emotions, that's when I felt they actually cared about an issue. I had a therapist was so neutral about everything I thought she would react the exact same way if she heard her child died. In the whole year I saw her she never showed any strong emotions. I never saw her teeth, she only smiled closed-mouth a few times but it seemed forced. Never anger, never surprise. Like those people who had a lot of botox done.
But I can also see the downside of showing a lot of emotions, as others have pointed out.

I think the most important part is that you did not feel she reacted to you the way you wanted or expected. I feel like I say this a lot on this forum, but once again, why not bring it up with her. Ask your T, often the conversation that follows can give one better understanding.

[unaluna]

Trigger..............

In my dads last months, his kidneys stopped working was the first sign. My mother was hysterically begging him to "go for her" - and i got this weirdly nauseating flashback of how she must have toilet trained me, making it all about her, and not at all about finding out how my body was feeling. Her ego - her mouth - fills the room, and youre squeezed in a corner, trying to do the actual physical work, with no help from her at all, only interference. That is lack of attachment, lack of attunement. They are just starting to write more about the lack. First they define attachment, then they can go back and see what happens when its NOT there.

[Victoria'smom]

Your T has to create a safe environment for you to say/do whatever you need to progress over reacting would not help you feel that way. She did say it saddened her and that's enough.

One of my ex T's when I told him I was getting married (after 2 wks or less of knowing the guy.) told me, The therapist in me says "That's really nice, what's he like?" but I'm no longer your therapist so. "What are you ****ing crazy? You don't know this guy. You just met him...." So yes T's emotions are muted in therapy but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

[ThingWithFeathers]

I think t's try to stay reasonably calm so as to provide a safe environment for you. Just because she didn't show obvious signs of emotion, doesn't mean she didn't feel anything. I SH and have sui ideation, and my t remains pretty calm when talking with me . There are moments when I realise how much she cares, like when she asks me to think about how I would feel and what I would say if a close friend was in my shoes - when I look at her then, I can see the emotion in her eyes. Sometimes they just hide it well.