My therapist didn't turn up for my appointment

I just need to vent this out here, because it sucks!!!

I went to my appointment early this morning, which is an unusual day for me to go but was because my therapist is going to be away anyway for the rest of the week...........and I was sat in the waiting room, and another therapist came and told me my therapist wasn't able to be there today!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my! I wanted to burst in to tears! I'm struggling so much and I can't see him now for 10 days.

It's not his fault, his son is sick I was told, and he shares the sick days with his wife. He of course has to put his family first, I would too.

The strangest thing is I jolted awake at 5am thinking I had heard my phone text and I thought I read the text and it was from my therapist and he said that he couldn't see me and wanted to get in touch directly.(This si strange because his clinic rules would mean he would never contact me directly from his personal phone or email). I realised that I had been dreaming and eventually went back to sleep.

But waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I really needed to see him this week. Blurgh, I need to see him every week. This just sucks even more because after next week he is going to be away so much.

I just feel awful, and sad, and rejected and abandoned. And alone with my mixed up feelings and mind!!

I hate that I have become so used to having his support........

I know how you feel , I'm sorry your t didn't show. When my t doesn't come in I have to wait a month. My session s are every 2 weeks , until they finish hiring more therapists.

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Oh JaneC, I know this feeling well and you're correct, it does suck.

For me, it's a binding situation….I don't want to take away from my T's need to be there for family but a little part, of me, would be whispering internally, "What about ME?"

I'm sorry this happened. I know how difficult it can be.

Are you certain T won't be there for the rest of the week? Could you see him an alternate day? Are you willing to see a colleague?

Also, did you check your phone text message again to make sure your T really didn't call you? I'm just a little confused on whether this was a dream or your T did text you and it got accidentally erased.

Oh, sorry, it was a dream.....before this happened today!

My therapist is on training for the next 2 days, which is why I had to go today rather than my regular day. So I won't see him until next Friday. I can't see anyone else, and there won't be any extra appointments

Oh, this is so silly, and I know I am just complaining. I know I'm not the only one to deal with this! It is just such bad timing! My birthday is next week, which is a difficult time of the year for me. Then he's away for 2 or so weeks, then back for 3 then away for a month!

Christmas and NY especially are terrible times because of anniversaries of trauma..........siiiiiiiiiigh. I need to be able to do this myself.

Oh Sweepy, it really sucks how long you are having to put up with limited access to your therapist. I'm sorry. You are right, I really have no reason to complain. Sorry.

No no no!!!!! Don't say that, you have every reason to complain. Don't ever minimize how you feel, I just want you to know that it sucks, I know how you feel. Hugs.

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Dude, that was ESP. or as my sports freak t likes to say, ESPN. But that was just too coincidental. Anyway

Yeah, it's not the first time I've done that. It's weird and creeps me out. I once dreamed about a friend in an accident, was so creeped out I told her the next day. Three weeks later it happened, exactly as in my dream. She wasn't driving so couldn't have 'made it happen' if you know what I mean.

I don't like that my dream came true today. But at least it meant I didn't cry immediately in front of the other therapist, it almost wasn't a surprise.

Thanks for the hug..... just.....it's so silly I feel so bad about one missed appointment. Need to toughen up!

This is what it makes me feel and think about........(sorry to go on, just need it out)

I know that my therapist cancelling, last minute once I was already sitting in his waiting room, is completely understandable.

He has to put his family first, especially if one is sick, and work will always come a distant second. I know that I am just a client to him. Sure he may care, but I'm just a client.

It's just........this is a HUGE trigger for me. I was always made to feel second best, in fact no wait......4 kids......4th best. I was always made to feel 4th best. No wait, not even 4th best......I was forgotten,

When all four of us adult children were together for mothers 60th, and she was telling each of us what she thought we would be when we grew up, she went around the other 3......then changed the subject. I had to ask, hang on Mum, what did you think I'd be when I grew up? (I was an optician at this stage living in London) She said........... "Oh, I never really thought anything about you".

The entire family sat around the table and laughed at me. We were in a restaurant. I felt like she had hit me. I don't think I have ever felt less insignificant, useless and worthless in my life. I had to go to the bathroom so no one could see me cry. Still today writing this I am in floods of tears, and feeling all of those feelings, and more....all of the feelings if shame and disgust at just being me.

With my first husband, I was second best to his drinking and hunting and friends. Apparently I was an embarrassment to him. I don't want to go in to more detail really, at this point, but he ruined me for a long time. I don't even know why I was with him.

My second husband, his own needs were more important after he had survived cancer, I didn't feature, I didn't matter....despite how I supported him and gave up so much to be there with him all the way through that horror.

So not only does my therapist not being available feed in to deep feelings of 'second best', but also those nasty feelings of abandonment.

My early days were all about that, although.....can you feel abandoned by someone who is there physically but not emotionally? Anyway. My father.....left. My ex husbands both abandoned me at my times of greatest need. I don't want to talk about the first one, but my second....I had post natal depression, was barely coping and he left. Left me with a baby that woke 5-6 times a night, with no support, just after having moved country, no income, no home....he left. He came back after a number of months but the trust was gone, my depression went undiagnosed and this was actually the thing that triggered the ptsd. The birth, the inability to cope, being abandoned by.....

Ugh. I know this is a huge long rant, and more info than I have shared. I can't even factor in to all this the trauma. The rapes, the childhood stuff.

This small seemingly innocuous act of my therapist leaving me alone in the waiting room, with good reason, and cancelling on me......has left me triggered and spiralling. It's ridiculous that I can't manage a single thing like this. But I need to, because he is going to be away so much over the next 3 months.......I need to be able to handle this.

Acceptance? **** that for the moment! I don't want to accept any of the ******** I have been through. I know it's nothing dramatic, I know others have experienced worse and I just need to move forward. But I am stuck here, with all this ******** flying around my head now.

All because my therapist needed to stay home and look after his son.

I am so selfish, and self indulgent with this post I know. But it needs to get out of me, all of these thoughts need to be outside of my head......sorry to vent.

You have every right to feel sad and angry Jane. I would too. Could you journal these feelings? It might be a useful way to express them all now and a good thing to show your T at the next appointment.
Sorry your hurting so much

PS What your mother said to you makes me so angry and is completely unacceptable. I hope you know it says everything about her and is no reflection on you.

Oh Jane! I'm so so sorry.
Reading your last post is heartbreaking. I can't believe everything that you have been through..( and I know we're getting half the story)....no wonder you are hurt by your t not being there when you needed him. Always coming last to your siblings and partner, and now to your T's child, I can totally see how that would be triggering. I agree that he had no choice and it's not his fault, but your feelings are really valid.
But, to me your last post felt a bit...therapeutic . Like you were allowing yourself to feel those feelings, and look at the reasons? Maybe experiencing this little meltdown will release a bit of that 'fourth best' stuff that's tucked away....
I hope so much that you get the support you need with Christmas coming up. You are being very brave, and strong, and it's okay to need someone else to hold your hand.
I wish I could. But it is quite a long flight, and I have work this week....
Big hugs to you (if you want them), and thinking of you over here in England, watching the mist rise in the valley. Xxxxx

Thanks. And no, not yet, no I don't know. Logically maybe, but emotionally no way......it is entwined with my core beliefs about myself so tightly that I wonder if it will ever change.

You also said I had a right to be angry. Do I? Should I feel angry? Maybe I ought to, but I only feel angry at myself for needing.

Thank you for that Red, a hug is always welcome fyi, even virtually.

Maybe it was therapeutic .....I don't usually give a lot of detail here, and it has felt too hard up til now. Too, vulnerable. I suppose it is a little meltdown that I'll get through....

I wanted to ask what you see that is brave and strong? Only, I really do not feel it. And a lecturer said that I was brave for something I said this week at uni, and I didn't see nor understand it then either.

I'd love to go back to the UK one day, my son and I were talking about it at dinner tonight actually. We hope to go together one day. He was born there.

(((Janec))) honestly, sometimes i think all the time we spend talking in t is to prepare us for moments like this one. This is like the essence of t. What you wrote reminds me of a time t double-booked me with a hsband and wife couple, and it made me FEEL all the times i was second to my brother and his wife. Time for your re-do. I dont even want to talk about my h's.

My therapist called today! He sounded super stressed, but apologised for missing my appointment, and told me his course got cancelled and asked if I'd like to come and see him tomorrow.

Ummmmmmmm.............yes PLEASE!!

(so embarrassing, but I couldn't help but do this , nor wipe it off my face for a little while)

Now how do I tell him how it all affected me? Still stuck with all those memories running around my head.