[guilloche]

I have the impression that therapists (at least the ones I've seen) don't tend to respond much to emails.

I always felt bothered by it. I'm not necessarily expecting a *long* response, but sometimes there is *no* response - and that makes me feel ignored... and also really *really* sends the signal to me that, "sharing via email is NOT OK."

I know some of the reasons: therapists don't want to do therapy over email, they want to deal with stuff in session, they're busy, and it's harder to understand the nuances of emotion over email.

But... I wonder.... is part of it about containment? Like, by not interacting outside of the session, it makes it easier (?) to contain all the emotional stuff in the session itself, so it doesn't spill into the rest of your life?

I think if that's true, it would make me feel a little better about this phenomenon because at least I'd know it has a good, kind purpose!

What do you think?

[HazelGirl]

I think many T's have their own reasons. But containment may possibly be one of them for some T's.

[Depletion]

I have the same feelings as you about this. I don't deal well with the being ignored/abandoned feeling. I had to stop email with my therapist for this reason.

[guilloche]

Thanks Hazel and Depletion. Depletion - it sounds like we're on the same page. I had to explain to my T that, while I was very grateful that he had emailed me to check in (I was traveling and very anxious about the trip), that when he didn't respond to my reply, I felt like he had just said, "hi how are you?" and then turned around and walked away when I tried to answer. It was weird, and definitely makes me feel like there's no point in emailing... it's like even though I think that he thinks emailing is ok (I think???) - it's like constantly ringing the doorbell and having no one answer the door.

But, like I said... if it helps containment, I can appreciate that. It feels a little less awful!

Thanks.

[granite1]

I think for mine she isn't getting paid for out of session contact so it doesn't happen .

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Thanks Hazel and Depletion. Depletion - it sounds like we're on the same page. I had to explain to my T that, while I was very grateful that he had emailed me to check in (I was traveling and very anxious about the trip), that when he didn't respond to my reply, I felt like he had just said, "hi how are you?" and then turned around and walked away when I tried to answer. It was weird, and definitely makes me feel like there's no point in emailing... it's like even though I think that he thinks emailing is ok (I think???) - it's like constantly ringing the doorbell and having no one answer the door.

But, like I said... if it helps containment, I can appreciate that. It feels a little less awful!

Thanks.

Yea, sometimes I just want her to say, "I got your email, I look forward to discussing it with you in session." I just need the acknowledgement.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by guilloche

I have the impression that therapists (at least the ones I've seen) don't tend to respond much to emails.

I always felt bothered by it. I'm not necessarily expecting a *long* response, but sometimes there is *no* response - and that makes me feel ignored... and also really *really* sends the signal to me that, "sharing via email is NOT OK."

I know some of the reasons: therapists don't want to do therapy over email, they want to deal with stuff in session, they're busy, and it's harder to understand the nuances of emotion over email.

But... I wonder.... is part of it about containment? Like, by not interacting outside of the session, it makes it easier (?) to contain all the emotional stuff in the session itself, so it doesn't spill into the rest of your life?

I think if that's true, it would make me feel a little better about this phenomenon because at least I'd know it has a good, kind purpose!

What do you think?

I think it's partly true. I have a friend who's a T and she doesn't do emails or phone calls outside of business hours. Part of it is time, part is containment and part is self care or a work/ life balance. The people I see and always have seen for psychiatry or therapy have had similar philosophies as well. I've never felt that emails were part of the deal with therapists so it's not something that I expect, at least not outside of business hours.

I think that if I saw a t who allowed or encouraged me to email, I would have a very hard time for the reasons you describe. Writing to someone because you're upset and receiving inconsistent replies or no reply at all, would be more harmful than helpful to me. I think some Ts have good intentions but don't always get this.

[meganmf15]

You pour your heart and soul out into an email that you've carefully selected every word to make your feelings clear.

Then you get, " yes, I'll see you session to discuss, blah, blah". Makes me f..king furious and SO disappointed.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by meganmf15

You pour your heart and soul out into an email that you've carefully selected every word to make your feelings clear.

Then you get, " yes, I'll see you session to discuss, blah, blah". Makes me f..king furious and SO disappointed.

Emails and written word can be so misconstrued. I recently emailed something to my T, She didn't respond as I had asked her not to and I had said we would deal with it in session. I was not prepared for how terrible and vulnerable I felt with that email out there and worse, i couldn't discuss it for 2 weeks. T's do not want to enter into a discussion and have you ever muisconstrue what they say or feel terrible and have no place to put that for a week.

In addition most T's don't get paid for this and although it's not always money related I think if every client sent an email nothing would get done.

My T will let me email and then we take up those emails in session later. There is no expectation on my part for acknowledgement or response. This seems to work as I get my immediate feelings out, I feel like I have contact AND I'm not asking her to do anything outside of her paid role.

[meganmf15]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Emails and written word can be so misconstrued. I recently emailed something to my T, She didn't respond as I had asked her not to and I had said we would deal with it in session. I was not prepared for how terrible and vulnerable I felt with that email out there and worse, i couldn't discuss it for 2 weeks. T's do not want to enter into a discussion and have you ever muisconstrue what they say or feel terrible and have no place to put that for a week.

In addition most T's don't get paid for this and although it's not always money related I think if every client sent an email nothing would get done.

My T will let me email and then we take up those emails in session later. There is no expectation on my part for acknowledgement or response. This seems to work as I get my immediate feelings out, I feel like I have contact AND I'm not asking her to do anything outside of her paid role.

I pay my therapist ALOT of money. She should answer all of my emails and texts unless and until she says stop. 660$/week out of pocket!
$ = service

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by meganmf15

I pay my therapist ALOT of money. She should answer all of my emails and texts unless and until she says stop.
$ = service

Are texts and emails part of what you pay her for? Do her other clients pay the same?

[meganmf15]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Are texts and emails part of what you pay her for? Do her other clients pay the same?

She has never specifically addressed email and texts. She did give me her cell phone number. I do get a slightly reduced rate. 220$/session rather than 240$. We do 3 sessions/week.

[stopdog]

I do not believe therapist are more busy than anyone else.

My t said one time recently that she didn't reply to a particular email because she wanted me to sit with what I had said in it. I got the feeling from that statement, that she has done that on more than one occasion. In retrospect, I understand. It's kind of about me learning to contain some of my stuff w/out her help. Or something.

[always_wondering]

I gave up on emails awhile ago. Non-responses too hurtful. I just don't understand the secrecy of it all? Why can't a T just say, "I set boundaries for specific reasons (and state them). If you feel you must email me, please make sure it's for appointment changes or real emergencies." I think this would be clear and avoid painful feelings for the client. Or, is it part of the therapy procedure to have the client suffer for the grievance effect? If this is the case, tell the client, " I need you to grieve it's good for you! Email away until you can't take it anymore, it's part of the healing process "

I think it would be so helpful if therapists would be really clear about emails.

I don't and wouldn't email, but I think it is important for some clients and I hate seeing people hurting over this issue.

[guilloche]

Wow! I didn't expect so many replies. Thanks, I'm glad that I'm not the only one that finds it weird (and hurtful!) when T doesn't reply.

Granite1 - Yeah, I get that. It's hard though to know whether some out-of-session contact should be included in the price (i.e. are you truly paying for just 50 minutes, or are you paying for treatment that might include limited support outside of those minutes?) Like Meganmf15, my T is expensive... so I think that he must have built some of that in to the costs. (And in fairness, I haven't ever called him, and only replied to the one email he sent - which we then talked about - I haven't initiated any non-administrative emails with him, although he's told me to call if I need anything, and that I could email to let him know how the trip was going.)

It's weird.

Depletion - (love the name!) I know, it's a little crazy isn't it? To me it feels very natural and human and polite to at least *acknowledge* the message, even if the reply is "Thanks for letting me know, let's talk about this more in your session". I might be frustrated with that, depending on what I had said, but at least I know that it got through and he saw the email!

Lauliza - thanks for this. The self-care part makes sense to me, I can see how a T could get overwhelmed if they have even just 20 clients emailing them. But it's a little frustrating sometimes to see people here who have Ts that encourage them to stay in frequent contact during the week. In some ways, I think I'd do better with a remote T, where you pay for each email, but you do get to work by email (and have some control over frequency of contact). I like writing. I am much better at writing then talking! And, when I feel rotten during the week... I don't always still have those feelings by the time T-day comes around, and to me there's a big split - it's like if the bad feelings are there this second, they never existed. Makes t stuff a bit harder sometimes.

Although, my T does, and will, read stuff. At least so far (I'm trying to not drown him in a thousand pages of my life story!). So, I think for me... if I'm feeling bad, it might be helpful to write to him on paper... while it's happening, then just bring it with me. I may try that. (Then I don't need/expect a response, since he's not seeing it.)

MeganMF15 - I'm with you. And I have an expensive, out of pocket T too (though I only see every other week, moving towards weekly starting this week). He's so expensive, I think surely he must have built in time for dealing with out-of-session things into his costs?

It doesn't help that I'm not sure what things are worth contacting T about. I haven't had anything that really made me feel like "I must get in touch with my T immediately" happen.

JaneTennison1 - I know you're right about things being misconstrued, especially in therapy. I'm good at misunderstanding things even in person, ha!

Stopdog - I agree with you, except... what if all of their clients were emailing them? Between sessions, paperwork, calls, and emails... I bet they could easily lose all personal time. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. (Yet, I can't understand how some people have Ts that are very good and allow this. I'm thinking of the woman who posts the "Boundary Ninja" blog - and says that her T encouraged her to contact her *whenever* so she could trust that he'd be there for her. I guess he only does that for clients that he thinks needs that level of care though, not all of them... still... that strikes me as so *caring*.)

Artemis-Within - re: "sit with it". Umm. How did you feel about that one? I agree that learning to cope with your own stuff is important, but... it just seems like there's a fine line between helping someone learn to cope on their own, and re-enacting the behavior of their emotionally absent parents, and making them ignored and unimportant. It's hard. I'm glad I'm not a T

Always Wondering - YES YES YES!!! YES! I 1000% agree! I feel that way about ALL of therapy, like I'm in this weird black box, in the dark, and when I try to ask, "how does this work, what should I do" I get answers that make no sense, "You do whatever you need to!", "Everybody's therapy is different!"--- so not helpful. I feel like I'm supposed to just *guess*, but omg, if one of us has a PHD in "how to therapetize people" and one of us no psych related degrees... then the PHD should be doing *some* level of guiding as to what's necessary/expected.

Maybe I'm just not getting it. If I ever get through therapy, maybe I'll look back on that statement and laugh hysterically at my naivity?

Puzzle Bug 1987 - Aww thanks. I appreciate the kind thoughts, even though it's not an issue that causes you problems personally!

PHEW! Thanks. This has given me alot to think about, as always!

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

My t said one time recently that she didn't reply to a particular email because she wanted me to sit with what I had said in it. I got the feeling from that statement, that she has done that on more than one occasion. In retrospect, I understand. It's kind of about me learning to contain some of my stuff w/out her help. Or something.

That's sounds sweet in away, but sometimes I hear things like that, and I just think, Bull S#!t you are just ignoring me because there is something you'd rather do at the moment, or you didn't have a clue how to respond the what I said. Can't they just say, I was busy living life, and hadn't got to it yet, but you are important to me.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

I think it would be so helpful if therapists would be really clear about emails.

I don't and wouldn't email, but I think it is important for some clients and I hate seeing people hurting over this issue.

I pretty much demanded that of her after a point, and she was like all surprised that people would get all hurt about the non-response. She said that she had never had the problem with anyone else, and then I told her about how everyone here struggles with this all the time.

But yea I think that email boundaries should be negotiated in the first few sessions. And being all mysterious about it is only likely to trigger people and make them feel unsafe.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Depletion - (love the name!)

aww shucks! I just made it my name because I felt like I had depleted every resource when I came here. But I guess its also about me wanting to stop at nothing to find my way.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by Depletion

That's sounds sweet in away, but sometimes I hear things like that, and I just think, Bull S#!t you are just ignoring me because there is something you'd rather do at the moment, or you didn't have a clue how to respond the what I said. Can't they just say, I was busy living life, and hadn't got to it yet, but you are important to me.

This made me think... isn't the problem really that by not responding at all, you're no longer having to "sit with" and contain the original problem, but now you're also having to cope with the lack of response?

Again, even a simple reply like, "Can you sit with these feelings a bit and see how that feels?" might help alleviate that (being ignored) part.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by Depletion

I pretty much demanded that of her after a point, and she was like all surprised that people would get all hurt about the non-response. She said that she had never had the problem with anyone else, and then I told her about how everyone here struggles with this all the time.

But yea I think that email boundaries should be negotiated in the first few sessions. And being all mysterious about it is only likely to trigger people and make them feel unsafe.

Yeah, the surprise about it surprises me too. And confuses me. Maybe I give therapists too much credit?

So in my case, it was similar. I was on the stressful evil work trip. T very kindly emailed me to ask how it was going! "Oh wow! That's super nice! I know most Ts don't reach out like that, I feel really cared about this second!"

I sent him back a response telling him what was going on, and then.... nothing. Hmmm.... it bugged me, but I was busy enough to not dwell on it.

I asked him in session (nicely) if he got my email, and why he didn't respond? And he said that
1. He honestly hadn't thought about responding, or why he didn't, until I asked him
2. He wanted to let me know that he knew the trip was hard for me, and that he cared and was thinking of me
3. He had heard that I was ok, so he wasn't worried any more, I answered his question
4. He didn't want to add more "work" for me, to make me feel like I then had to respond to his email response!

I pointed out to him how I felt (like he had just asked me how I was, then turned around and ignored me when I tried to answer), and again, I was as nice and non-accusatory as I could be... but now I think he came to the conclusion that he shouldn't email me at all (that it would have been better to not send the initial email) - which kind of sucks.

I tried to explain that I didn't need a line-by-line detailed response, but just a line saying that he got my message, some kind of *acknowledgement*.

Anyway - sorry for the long story - the part that resonated was when you said your T was surprised. My T seemed surprised by all this as well. Which surprises me. Maybe everyone else is failing to explain to their Ts the importance of good email etiquette?!?!?!?

I see a new campaign in the works... to get people to speak up to their Ts about this

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by Depletion

aww shucks! I just made it my name because I felt like I had depleted every resource when I came here. But I guess its also about me wanting to stop at nothing to find my way.

Very cool!

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Yeah, the surprise about it surprises me too. And confuses me. Maybe I give therapists too much credit?

So in my case, it was similar. I was on the stressful evil work trip. T very kindly emailed me to ask how it was going! "Oh wow! That's super nice! I know most Ts don't reach out like that, I feel really cared about this second!"

I sent him back a response telling him what was going on, and then.... nothing. Hmmm.... it bugged me, but I was busy enough to not dwell on it.

I asked him in session (nicely) if he got my email, and why he didn't respond? And he said that
1. He honestly hadn't thought about responding, or why he didn't, until I asked him
2. He wanted to let me know that he knew the trip was hard for me, and that he cared and was thinking of me
3. He had heard that I was ok, so he wasn't worried any more, I answered his question
4. He didn't want to add more "work" for me, to make me feel like I then had to respond to his email response!

I pointed out to him how I felt (like he had just asked me how I was, then turned around and ignored me when I tried to answer), and again, I was as nice and non-accusatory as I could be... but now I think he came to the conclusion that he shouldn't email me at all (that it would have been better to not send the initial email) - which kind of sucks.

I tried to explain that I didn't need a line-by-line detailed response, but just a line saying that he got my message, some kind of *acknowledgement*.

Anyway - sorry for the long story - the part that resonated was when you said your T was surprised. My T seemed surprised by all this as well. Which surprises me. Maybe everyone else is failing to explain to their Ts the importance of good email etiquette?!?!?!?

I see a new campaign in the works... to get people to speak up to their Ts about this

Woot--I agree there should be a campaign. But in all seriousness I wonder if T's act like they do because there is not enough research on the psychology of email in this situation. The whole thing seems like it needs to be better understood.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Stopdog - I agree with you, except... what if all of their clients were emailing them? Between sessions, paperwork, calls, and emails... I bet they could easily lose all personal time. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Again it is no different from any other professional. All sorts of professions have work, other clients, paperwork, calls, etc.