(Also posted in Creative Corner)

Hi Everyone,

I wrote this two years ago after learning that my T had cancer. (She is fine right now.) Anyway, I have been rather pissed off at her for the last few days. (misunderstanding about a session cancellation/missed phone call) I've been wanting to walk away from therapy to show her "I'm in control of this, not you."

I dug this out so I could get back in touch with what she really means to me, so I can figure out where my anger is coming from. Just thought I'd share.

TAP-TAP-TAP

Little One

Roxanne says the scary word malignant and I want to run away. Even though I am only six I know the bad word means sick. I try hard not to cry so I wiggle my fingers and pretend they are tiny dancers. Tap-tap-tap, they all dance their part. Each finger-dancer is different yet they all share the same hand. Just like us.

Roxanne sees my fingers tapping but she doesn't know they're the famous Rockettes. She doesn't even know I'm sitting on the sofa because I sit way back. Back so far my legs stick straight out.

Roxanne's eyes are glued on Grownup who nods her head. Yes, Grownup says. I understand. She nods like I tap. She nods to keep from crying.

Roxanne doesn't hear Flower-Child laughing. Ha! She tells Grownup. I knew it. Everyone you care about dies. I told you, stupid.

Flower-Child is a meanie.

Tap-tap-tap my Rockettes dance. Roxanne might die, just like my daddy. I try hard not to cry. I see the soldiers fold the flag. I see the fake plastic grass. I hear the trumpet play Taps.

Flower-Child

I hear Roxanne tell Grownup, It hasn't spread. They just want to make sure they got it all. Grownup looks like the idiot she is, nodding as if she understands. As if she's okay with the fact that they'll pump Roxanne full of poison and kill her. Stupid Grownup.

Pssst-hey-idiot… Roxanne is going to die. All your fears are coming true. I told you not to get too close.

Grownup ignores me and nods at Roxanne like a good little bobble-doll. Like a good little patient.

Tap-tap-tap my foot spells out letters on the floor. H-e-l-p.

Help me if you can I'm feeling down.
And I do appreciate you bein' round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground.
Won't you please, PLEASE, help me.

"I worried about telling you," Roxanne tells Grownup, "with your family history and all…" but she doesn't finish the words that need to be said. Family history of death. Father--brother--brother--dead. All dead and tapping on the lids of their coffins.

Grownup taps the car keys against my thigh. Tap-tap-tap they hit my flesh but do nothing but tease. I make her push one hard against my skin. Harder. Roxanne's eyes glance over and chickenshit Grownup lets go of the keys.

Grownup

Clang. I'm always dropping something, I say to Roxanne as I reach down to pick up my keys and offer a plastic smile. Look at me. I am calm. I am grown, it says. I give the floor a quick tap while I am down there. It grounds me before I have to sit back up.

Time has stopped. Noise is muffled. People get sick.
Tap-tap-tap I feel a small hand on my shoulder.

Little One is crying and wants a Kleenex. I look at the box but don't take one. I don't need it, I have no tears to wipe although her little face is covered with salty wetness. She sniffles. You must wait until we get in the car before you can cry out loud, I tell her.

"We'll have to play it by ear," Roxanne says. "I'll call you when I know more."

Yes. Yes, of course. I nod.

Whatever you need. I nod.

Whatever I can do. Nod-nod.

Tap-tap-tap Flower-Child's fist bangs on my back, demanding I get mad at Roxanne. I pay close attention to the pen as I write the check. I squeeze it between my fingers and hold on tight. TAP-TAP-TAP. Flower-Child starts yelling at Roxanne as I carefully sign my name.

Freakin' liar! You told us you'd never leave. You told us you'd stay healthy. What about us?

"What's the date?" I ask louder than I should, trying hard to drown them out.

Little One is crying. Hot, heaving sobs. She clings to me and whispers but I don't understand.

Give me those freakin' keys, Flower-Child sneers. Let me drive home over the bridge.

I stand. Roxanne and I hug. I am grown.

Tap-Tap-Tap.

[lil_bit]

wow you have a real talent for writing.
it's a great way to express yourself and you do it well.

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((Petunia)))))))))))))) You have such a wonderful way of expressing yourself. I hope you are able to sort through all you are feeling now.

(({Petunia)) That was wonderful!

((( lil_bit )))

Thanks for the writing compliment.

It was a heart-stopping moment to hear her say those words. Not knowing if she was going to die or we'd have to end therapy was excruciating.

((( bipolar_bear )))

It actually worked out good for me to drag this piece out and dust it off. I am still a little pissed off at her but not as bullish-angry as I was.

((( mouse_ )))

Thanks mouse_. It was quite therapeutic to write it, but very difficult to read it to her. Talk about a BIG LUMP in your throat.

Talked to her today to reschedule. She was bristly and I was sarcastic. Guess we'll be doing some repair work.

I think my anger at T might have something to do with my friend dying. I haven't allowed myself to feel angry over the loss. In fact, I haven't really allowed myself to feel at all.

I also think the potential loss of my mother from her recent health issues is making me push T away.

Like, if I'm angry at T it will be easier for me to walk away...because why would I want to stay close to her when she'll probably just die too.

[Perna]

Petunia, I have a good friend from high school who became a psychiatric social worker for a State and she got breast cancer a few years ago (we're in our mid-50s) and that really opened my eyes to things my T might be going through, etc. It was odd knowing a therapist as a good friend and discussing her problems and her own going to a therapist about them, etc. and thinking about my therapist and self together.

I bet your responses are indeed about/stemming from your friend and some of your T's responses might be from her problems, etc. Good luck to the two of you working on the repair work. I really like your attitude and work you're doing on this. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks Perna,

It was such a simple issue gone terribly wrong. I "know" I called her to reschedule and she "knows" I didn't and billed me as a no show.

We haven't talked about it yet. I see her in two weeks and I'm sure we'll work it out. It's not even about the money. It's about not being believed.

(And that is my past rearing it's ugly head)

[January]

Oh Pet, I'm so overwhelmed at the enormity of it all. I'm so sorry for all the pain and grief. I'm so sorry the child had to endure the pain and the grownup still endures it. I hope will all my soul I haven't triggered you.

Hugs and love,

Jan

Oh Jan, you didn't trigger me. Thank you so much for caring and understanding.

Saw T. We worked it out. Harmless misunderstanding.

Bad news though. The tumor has come back.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm so sorry! ((((((((((((((( Petunia )))))))))))))))

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Petunia)))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks Fuzzy and jacq10.

((Petunia))

Thanks for the hug mouse.

[Talulah]

(((((((((((((((((Oh Petunia))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry.....

She says all will be fine.

I cannot even explain what I feel.

Thanks for the umbrellas and swirly hearts.

[sunrise]

(((((hugs)))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
She says all will be fine.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
You mean about the tumor? Or the misunderstanding with T? I hope with both!

Oh we're already fine about the misunderstanding.

She says she'll be fine in regards to the tumor.

People being sick and death/potential death are big PTSD triggers for me.

Thanks for the hugs.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks bud. It's just so soon after my friend died and what my mother is going through etc, that I just don't know what to think.