I Am Angry

I am angry that I missed out on so much as a child and now I have to spend the rest of my life trying to "sort of" get those needs met as an adult. Yet, at the same time, knowing that they will never really be met because you can't turn back the clock.

I am angry that the best there seems to be for me is to "make the best" of my situation.

I am angry that I didn't get to choose whether or not I wanted to be a part of this world, and would be considered weak or selfish if I decide to take myself out of it.

I am angry that I can't really talk openly about whether or not to stay without serious risk to my personal freedom. I mean, who decided that there is value in life? I think it's commonly accepted because it's "prettier," an easier pill to swallow. And I can understand that my life may have value to others, but what if it doesn't have value to me?

And I'm angry at the mental health profession as a whole. Who is to say what is normal and what is not? I think their subjective system of diagnosis just results in people feeling bad about themselves. These "professionals" deem "mentally ill" those folks who believe in the supernatural, or that they have extra-sensory abilities, or claim they see things that others can't. Yet in a lot of cases, these same "professionals" believe that woman was created from the rib of a man, or that a man survived for days in the belly of a whale, or that a burning bush spoke, or that lightening wrote words on tablets of stone.

I'm certainly not writing this to poo poo anyone's beliefs. I just question why we as a society consider one type of thing acceptable and another unacceptable when, if you step back and look objectively, you see that one is no more outlandish than the other, really. And no, I don't "see things" either. It's just the best analogy I could come up with to show how commonly accepted values and norms can sometimes not make sense.

I'm just angry.
And Sad.
And Confused.
And Frustrated.
And Hurting........

I am angry too and sympathize with you. In fact I am going through the same crap.

I also don't want to attack anyone's beliefs, but when it comes to professionals working in this highly sensitive capacity, I'd go so far as to say that a therapist who really believes in Adam and Eve should be avoided like the plague. It is akin to a therapist who doesn't believe Freud, Klein, and Winnicott have any value and that they can make do with what they saw on Captain Kangaroo.

Defining normal is quite a task. You might enjoy this link:
http://mythosandlogos.com/Laing.html

ootfi,

thanks for the support in sympathy. i appreciate it.

so as not to start a debate for others who read this, I'm not saying that it isn't ok to believe certain things, or that they are wrong. just questioning how we can be so quick to accept one and reject another.

((((((jammer))))))))

What is especially awful in terms of other people's reactions is that people with problems like us usually get a 'worse response' than the apparently normal people. To be honest, though, I tend to react in a pretty polarized manner to other people's beliefs too. If someone tries to explain to me why they think the war in Iraq is a good idea I have to restrain myself not to explode. What a drag.

I have a lot of anger too.. but I do wonder at your anger.. it does seemed to be aimed at "believing" professionals... is there another avenue you can seek for help? Anger turned inwards towards our own self does make us depressed.... hurt... and frustrated...

I'm sorry you feel this way... I know it too well. ((( )))

jammerlich,

I feel a lot like you.

My whole screwed up childhood is a constant burden that I'm trying to unload. I thought I shook it off years ago. But it's like a tattoo, I feel that I'm never going get rid of it.

I'm just finishing my first year in therapy. I thought I would only have to go for a few months.( what an idiot I was.) Now therapy seems to be my new freaking lifestyle. Does anyone ever "get better" anyway?

I hate that I have to pay this price every day because of things other people did to me.

I'm angry too, it all sucks.

Sorry to any Christians who I might've offended. I know that they aren't all bad and that my perception is based on a limited number of experiences and my personal view of Christianity's impact on history, etc.

Yes, I stay clear of any therapist that may divulge their beliefs to me, I prefer one that does not bring religion, occult, and even some of the top psychoanalysts like Freud, etc., I have no problem if they pick, choose and collect different theories of the past T's. Gathering of info from different places, specialists, can be helpful, but I do not believe it is healthy if a T only follows one past psychoanalyst's theories and literature, I prefer someone that hasn't locked into one and only one professional's train of thought or pattern. I had only one T, that I discontinued seeing, he was also a pastor of some religion, so that interfered with his ways and reasons of how "I" should forgive and "work" at our marriage things. Yep, that was the last time I went to him, the others after him were what I would think a professional in that field should be, unbiased to "beliefs" and more on true scientific based stuff.
Please anyone reading this, this is only my personal feeling, everyone is entitled to their own feelings/beliefs, and I respect that.
Just one thing, I feel it is unfair and narrow, to knock a whole profession or area of science, due to bad experiences from a few vs thousands.
I do know and understand though (relating to my own personal experiences and those close to me) that we can get so frustrated, depressed and burnt out, that we tend to paint the whole world black, no lightness shining in.
There are good and bad in everything and everybody, it depends what we decide to believe and see promise or just obsess, fixating on all the negatives. In the begining of therapy and my DX given to me 5 years ago, triggered from another person, I too was ANGRY, I can't believe how I managed it so well, maybe it was therapy? Maybe it was a combo, therapy and meds.? Or just maybe, it was the combo of 3, therapy, meds., and myself. I have a pdoc who once in awhile when I question meds.,time past, and if I progressed from just that? Without that do I disenegrate? He actually said, "don't sell yourself short", a whole lot of the progress was of my doing, not all the med and therapy regimen. Feels good when you hear that. I can really feel for you, the anger, frustration, and depression.
It can consume you, are you abble to seek a new T and/or pdoc? Maybe you need a change, it happens, the chemistry between client and t, not always mix. Please do not give up, it takes time, but you'll get there.
I wish for all, better times, and brighter tomorrows.
They are possible.

Sincerely,
DE

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_Sky said:
\but I do wonder at your anger.. it does seemed to be aimed at "believing" professionals...

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No actually, that's really not it at all. The professionals things was just an example, which I think I said. I'm starting to regret putting that part in there. It seems to have created some misunderstandings.

Thank you though for your words of support.

((((((((((Twinks))))))))))

Thank you.

no, I'm ok with it.. was just wondering if the ppl on your support team might need to be changed LOL now read THAT however you wish!

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_Sky said:
was just wondering if the ppl on your support team might need to be changed LOL now read THAT however you wish!

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Well, you're assuming I have one - which I don't.

Sorry jam ((((hugs)))) I was meaning "changed" could mean like a baby too.

Who is giving you such bad vibes then hon? I would be angry at the system if I didn't have any help too.

oofie,

Actually Captain Kangaroo was one of the few stabilizing and comforting forces in my childhood. He spoke so kindly.

Thank God for him and Mr Moose and Bunny Rabbit too.
I just had to defend an old friend.

Twinks

Is being angry at society as a whole the same as being angry at the system? I don't think so, but maybe I'm wrong. I used the part about mental health professionals only because they seem to me to think themselves so enlightened, and I'm thinking not so much.

I'm angry that you are considered somehow defective if you don't fit into those societal norms. Who the heck is to say what's normal? I am angry that these values are imposed on me in such a way that I can't even TALK about how I feel without risking my personal freedom. What is so darn great about life anyway? I mean we're all going to die anyway, so what difference does it make whether we choose when or leave it up to fate? I think people are just afraid of it (dying) so they get all wrapped up in how "precious" life is. Well, it may be precious for you, but it isn't so precious to me.

I'd just like to have a place to talk about it. I NEED a place to talk about it. And I'm not saying that this should be that place. I think the rules here make sense and I understand why they are in place. But surely somewhere........ My T (former) couldn't/wouldn't be that place either.

I understand your anger, I had one t after the first I mentioned, I saw him, but man, he could trigger me sometimes, but we would iron it out. I always kept in my mind that not the "whole" idea of therapy and therapists are bad. You are right, you are angry, why? I have no idea, would it help you to talk a little about what it was that your T did or did not do that has turned you against everything and everybody ? I read your words, your anger, your attitude towards life and maybe non life, and it brings me back to where I was at 5yrs ago and even the years leading up to that. Depression, is the culprit that does this, and the longer it is not addressed the worse it gets. Denial of help, makes it worse, delays treatment, I hated that period I had to accept, I had a problem, then the next move was doing something about it. With some encouragement, I made the first step. I can go on about this topic, and there will be so many different reactions, by so many, so I best stop here. I do not know much about you, your age, or your problems, but just want to encourage you to get help, and it can work. Life is too short, and after at the point of choosing to continue it or not, I am glad today, that I chose to fight the demon, I feel 95% sure I beat it too. Also, if a person is dealing with substance abuse too, that helps feed the demon big time, making it split into 2 demons to fight and hope to conquer. I did not say that directly at you, for I do not know you, I say that in a general sense.
Lots of luck with what you choose, I hope you seek help, and things progress for you.

DE

Ok.. on the same wavelength now I think... yeah "society" "system of society" kinda the same to me. No wrong about it. I think your analogy was really, in one sense, very good! It made me think.

LOL Someone once asked me if I could act normal ( I had told them I am eccentric)... and I gave my "pat" answer: I go to physical therapy 3x week and see a pain/stress mgmt psychologist 3x a week also... for nearly 19 years.. what's NORMAL about that???

You can always go into the support chat room here... and one on one if the other member agrees, talk about those things that you "can't" out in open. There are many members who are very helpful, and good at listening. It's real.. real feeling... and though a poor option, still is one.

Please take care of yourself!

Jam, I understood what you meant.
I hope you change your mind about the value of your life,though. I think you're selling yourself short. You can be that one kid's guide that makes an awesome difference in their lives.
You can be that person who smiles at someone in that special way on a special day and you brighten up their world because they've just been fired from work or a friend had just been really mean to them and you give them a renewed faith in their own lives.
Everyday you make a difference in this world only you don't realize it.
If you feel your life is valueless then the next time you go to the market- let the cashier know she/he's doing a great job or make a genuine compliment to somebody out of the blue-whether or not you know them. You'll realize what a difference you can make in other people's lives and then you'll realize how valuble your life is.
I hope what I write doesn't sound too strange. I've done it to people when I was feeling really bad and just seeing their faces light up made me lighten up.
We're here for each other. To make a difference in each other's lives. Hopefully, to make it better and a little easier for them. Try it and I think you'll feel differently.
((((((((((((Jam)))))))))))))))) Hang in there!

PS. Who gives a crap what society thinks? They're a bunch of nitwits!!!!!! Look at the most popular tv shows! Come on-and you're worried what THESE people think? NAAAAAAA, don't worry about it. Just do your own little thing and tell them to kiss your hiney if they don't like it.

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Jax2923 said:
Jam, I understood what you meant.
I hope you change your mind about the value of your life,though. I think you're selling yourself short. You can be that one kid's guide that makes an awesome difference in their lives.
You can be that person who smiles at someone in that special way on a special day and you brighten up their world because they've just been fired from work or a friend had just been really mean to them and you give them a renewed faith in their own lives.
Everyday you make a difference in this world only you don't realize it.
If you feel your life is valueless then the next time you go to the market- let the cashier know she/he's doing a great job or make a genuine compliment to somebody out of the blue-whether or not you know them. You'll realize what a difference you can make in other people's lives and then you'll realize how valuble your life is.

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Jax,

This really kind of proves the point I was making about my life having value to others, but not myself. As I see it, all these examples are about other people - something external - almost living for other people, in a way. But what about me? Do I hang around here very unhappy just because it pleases others? Surely there must be something internal most people have when they really enjoy being alive. But I don't have that. And the external - making others happy - just isn't enough anymore. It never really was, I guess.

Jammer,

I want to focus on the first part of your post where you feel like you cant turn back the clock and get back what you have lost as a child. I totally understand that, so well in fact, that it angers me just reading it again.

I tried to deal with those feelings while in therapy but really wasnt able to get passed the anger. The more and more I think about it, the angryer (sp) I get. It's as if, one person who had the power to make my childhood special, meaningful, peaceful and happy....chose to make mine, scary, sad to the point of being physically ill, angry beyond words, dirty, and there is not one thing in this world that can ever change that. Ever. That time is gone...gone...gone.

I can offer no advice of comfort. Not because I dont want to, because I do, but because I too feel the same as you and I have no clue how to deal with those feelings or be at peace with it.

((((((((((((((((((((Jammer)))))))))))))))))))

I guess I can offer you hugs of support for the anger and frustration you feel because I feel it too.

I have looked back at my childhood too....I am angry at the things I had to go through. I am not happy with the life that I had to live under my parents or even my married life. However I have decided to use my past as an example of what I don't want in my life. I could stay angry at what my childhood & my marriage gave me....only I choose to put it behind me & focus on my future & the things I know will make me happy with in future life & not dwell on the past. I can't change the past but I can change my future......I can be what I want to be & it doesn't have to be just what my past made me.

There is so much more to life than living in anger......I want to be happy & I want to find the things that make me happy......I don't want to be a miserable person anymore......so I look to the things that I know make me what I want to be.

I know that I can be what I want to be.....I don't have to keep what didn't work or what hurt me.....it is my own choice what I want in my life.

I have found out that everything I experience has a DX in the world of psychology......it is not that I don't experience these feelings at one time or another, but I don't want them to encompase my whole life......so I choose to make the choices that make me feel the way I want to feel most of the time.....even if the past sneaks in sometimes....I do not let it controll me.

I spent years angry, depressed & just plain not wanting to be alive anymore. I was so miserable but wasn't successful at ending that life......Then I started wondering what is would be that would make me a happy, satisfied person. I know I can't get some of the things back into my life that validated me as a person. I know that I have to change some of the existance that I am now living. No, I am not saying that this is easy at all, but for me it is a personal choice. I am tired of being an angry, miserable, frustrated person. I have internally searched for the things that will create a fulfilled feeling within me....& I am now taking all the steps necessary to have the life I want to live & become the person that I am happy being.

I am not sure if there is any therapy that even touched on this way of thinking.....my pdoc has told me that he has realized that I have had to make up my own mind as to what will help me.....& he has even said to me that there is no med or therapy that can do this.....I guess it is an internal choice that we have to make for ourselves....because these things are things that no one else can know about ourselves.

I know that the future will not be a paradise.....there will be problems & situations that will always be a challange to get through......."I never promised you a rose garden".....but there are thorns in every rose garden too.

But without the vision of my future to aim for.....I would stay lost in my past.
I am sure there will be many disagreements with what I have said.....& probably many reasons why it won't work....but I choose to keep my aim high...& choose not to get discouraged no matter what.

Debbie

{{{{Jammer}}}}

I'm so sorry things are so rough right now.

I am angry too.

Debbie,
Excellent post/reply.

Jammer,I and so many have been and some presently at the point, like you explained, I was miserable, my former T finally got frustrated with me, ragging on for months, in that miserable state, he told me the options, go to the pdoc he referred me to or find one,get oon treatment and things WILL get better. Refusing help, and moaning, *****ing and crying about all that was wrong in my life would only be just that,stagnating and being further consumed by anger and depression. I hated this feeling, and I was tired of the burden I felt daily. Sure I thought about the OTHER option, was treated for that, in about 2 months in the begining of treatment, things started to improve. I began to enjoy life, okay it's not always a party but it will do. I realized that I wasted so much time in life, stewing in anger, resentment (big time)just a circle over and over, pushing me down in a further depression, feeling ugly, no self-esteem, just not caring anymore, such stagnation. It boiled down to one thing which also is true for everyone, we have choices (my former T taught me) we can choose to remain miserable,allowing anger,depression,resentment, and all those negatives consume us. Whining, complaining,striking out at others and things, fueling depression, yes we can feed all these feelings by obsessing, fixating on just the negatives. OR we can do something about it, different things, group therapy, regular therapy,pdoc/treatment,hobbies,volunteer work,physical activity,research,enjoy days spent outdoor, try smiling at others the smile back can make YOU feel good.
These are things and more that can make YOU feel better, not having to think what will make others happy, just YOU.
I had finally got tired of being a people pleaser, and learned, made the choice not to, not to keep doing to make everyone happy but me. I had to slowly change that, that many things I was to do for others, being the people pleaser person, would have to start being mostly on my terms, the stress was getting overwhelming.
jammer, I hope you will try or learn or see, you can feel better, things CAN get better, but you have to make choices, not imprison yourself in misery, being angry with everything and everybody. What has happened inour pasts, we have to leave behind, dwelling and fixating on the past and bad times, do nothing for us in our present time. It is a waste of time and energy that can be used towards something present and most of all positive. Many of us here that have replied along this theme, know what it's like.You are not the only one, many of us have been to the deepest depths of hell and back. We made choices, many of us opted to stick around on this earth, and see that it offers so much beauty, warmth, besides the bad. It all depends what one chooses to be in.
Okay, enough of my ramblings, I apologize for the "soapbox".
Take care now,
DE

(((((((((((((((( Debbie )))))))))))))
((((((((((((((( jammer ))))))))))))))))))))))))