[purplemystery]

I'm trying to process how I feel about a reply I just received from my old T that I terminated with 6 months ago.

On one hand, I'm a bit disappointed because I wrote all about my new job and how it is going, and all she said was "It was good to hear from you, purple. Sincerely, T." I guess I shouldn't have been surprised-- she did warn me communication would be one-sided and short. I just didn't expect it to be this short. I've been having a hard time lately and really miss her. Now I can't even lie to myself that a part of us isn't over, because it is. I don't get to hear her thoughts about me, about the book list that she gave me when we ended. Once a client, always a client.

On the other hand, I am really happy to have read her response. We haven't talked in so long, and though it was short, I smiled anyway. I know that she knows the general happenings in my life, and I believe it was "good" to hear from me. Maybe she didn't want to say something like "it's good to hear things are going well" because she knew deep down things in my life aren't solely positive (though that is all I included in the email). Which would mean she knows me. It's also just nice to get confirmation that she still exists out there, containing me.

For those who have e-mailed a T post-termination, were their responses similarly short? My T said her replies would be "less counsel-y"... but the way she phrased that made me think it would have been a bit longer than one sentence. I'm afraid she was more careful to set a boundary than she had anticipated. Does that mean I did something wrong? That maybe I said too much, appeared too eager to say hi? I tried to keep it concise, positive, and general, but maybe I crossed a line because I thanked her for the book list and talked about how I really liked the books she recommended. I don't know.

[AustenFan]

Was she always a disappointing emailer, even during your therapy? If so, I'm not surprised she was like that today.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by AustenFan

Was she always a disappointing emailer, even during your therapy? If so, I'm not surprised she was like that today.

I never emailed her before now because it wasn't allowed... but maybe that shows even more why it shouldn't be surprising.

[ThisWayOut]

I've never gotten more of a response from a t after termination. I believe it keeps the T relationship clear... I don't think you crossed a line by telling her what you did tell her, I think she might just be keeping boundaries. Even the friendliest T's I had worked with (who were really crappy at boundaries while I was their client) kept really strict boundaries after temination.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I've never gotten more of a response from a t after termination. I believe it keeps the T relationship clear... I don't think you crossed a line by telling her what you did tell her, I think she might just be keeping boundaries. Even the friendliest T's I had worked with (who were really crappy at boundaries while I was their client) kept really strict boundaries after temination.

Thanks, that is good to know. Yeah, I think things could easily get confusing if she appeared too friendly after termination. When it's over, it's over.

[feralkittymom]

I think good Ts always think in terms of "do no harm." While it feels disappointing, I think she's actually looking out for you by such a limited response. I have no doubt she was genuinely pleased to hear from you. Give it time. If you are meant to keep a relationship with her, it will have to develop very, very slowly to allow you both to gain the confidence to redefine the boundaries. Too much too soon could activate some painful feelings for you, and she doesn't want that to happen. I think your feeling of containment is great--it's your attachment and trust and a sign of a good foundation. As extensive and long-standing as our communication is, both my T and I keep to certain boundaries--and that's ok.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think good Ts always think in terms of "do no harm." While it feels disappointing, I think she's actually looking out for you by such a limited response. I have no doubt she was genuinely pleased to hear from you. Give it time. If you are meant to keep a relationship with her, it will have to develop very, very slowly to allow you both to gain the confidence to redefine the boundaries. Too much too soon could activate some painful feelings for you, and she doesn't want that to happen. I think your feeling of containment is great--it's your attachment and trust and a sign of a good foundation. As extensive and long-standing as our communication is, both my T and I keep to certain boundaries--and that's ok.

Thanks so much, feralkittymom- what you said makes a lot of sense. I feel like I understand more why she had to give a short reply. It definitely would have activated more hurt had I gotten more in the email. And maybe as time goes on and I start to be less invested in it, then it will be safer for her to include a bit more. It's helpful to know that you have certain boundaries with your T too. I will just have to take the time I need to heal and see what happens in the future.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think good Ts always think in terms of "do no harm." While it feels disappointing, I think she's actually looking out for you by such a limited response. I have no doubt she was genuinely pleased to hear from you. Give it time. If you are meant to keep a relationship with her, it will have to develop very, very slowly to allow you both to gain the confidence to redefine the boundaries. Too much too soon could activate some painful feelings for you, and she doesn't want that to happen. I think your feeling of containment is great--it's your attachment and trust and a sign of a good foundation. As extensive and long-standing as our communication is, both my T and I keep to certain boundaries--and that's ok.

I've been thinking about this. If this is the reason the T did not give a longer reply to the update, I wonder why she didn't explain this? I generally think that T's should explain more about why they are acting the way they do, and not leave clients confused and guessing.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I do have contact with an ex-T. I'm allowed to email her once a year. I haven't seen her in 9 years now.

My emails consist mostly of the positives and/or major events during the year. I do not seek out help or support. And I don't expect a fast reply (it can take her over a month).

Her reply consists of her encouraging me a little, an update about her job, and an update about her family and/or what she's been doing. That's all. Maybe 2 paragraphs.

It's not much, but to me, it means that she didn't abandon me, that she's still there, and she's still a part of my life. That means so much to me.

After 9 years, I'm questioning what's the point. But I can't let go. I need to know she's still there...even if it is only once a year.

Originally Posted by purplemystery

For those who have e-mailed a T post-termination, were their responses similarly short? My T said her replies would be "less counsel-y"... but the way she phrased that made me think it would have been a bit longer than one sentence.

It's been over 2 years since I had to end the relationship with my former therapist. We've texted maybe 5 or 6 times since then.

He always says something personable, such as he misses me, thinks about me and hopes i'm doing well, etc. They are usually a 3 sentences, and he signs his messages "love". For me, this reinforces that our relationship was meaningful, and that the spirit of our relationship still exists, that relational connections live on even after they end. It reinforces intrinsic worth and that he cared about me.

I'm not sure of what type of therapy you were in or the other circumstances, but in my situation, our therapeutic relationship was very intimate. My former therapist taught me everything I now know about intimacy and the importance of relationships. It was very late in my life, unfortunately, but better later than never.

I have never had such a positive physical ending to a relationship before, so the ending itself has been extremely therapeutic for me. It's also hopeful because it feels as though I did internalize his goodness, even if just a little bit, as there was nothing positive introjected from my parents. Nothing.

I'd be pretty hurt by that response. I'm think that you might be conflicted about it, hence your thread. I'm sorry.

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I'm afraid she was more careful to set a boundary than she had anticipated. Does that mean I did something wrong? That maybe I said too much, appeared too eager to say hi? I tried to keep it concise, positive, and general, but maybe I crossed a line because I thanked her for the book list and talked about how I really liked the books she recommended. I don't know.

You did nothing wrong. I think the comments about the book list were very healthy; I have no idea how that could be crossing a line. You sound very insecure here. I imagine you were never fully secure about this relationship even when you were undergoing therapy with her.

I can see why you are questioning everything. I do want to point out that I do not think it is you. Not at all.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I've been thinking about this. If this is the reason the T did not give a longer reply to the update, I wonder why she didn't explain this? I generally think that T's should explain more about why they are acting the way they do, and not leave clients confused and guessing.

I have thought about this as well. My T did say that her replies would be short and less counsel-y, but she didn't say why. And she didn't say how short they would be. I do agree that it would generally cause less confusion and hurt if T's did explain things like this, and I'm not sure why they don't (though I bet if the client were to ask, most would answer). Maybe there is a reason.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I do have contact with an ex-T. I'm allowed to email her once a year. I haven't seen her in 9 years now.

My emails consist mostly of the positives and/or major events during the year. I do not seek out help or support. And I don't expect a fast reply (it can take her over a month).

Her reply consists of her encouraging me a little, an update about her job, and an update about her family and/or what she's been doing. That's all. Maybe 2 paragraphs.

It's not much, but to me, it means that she didn't abandon me, that she's still there, and she's still a part of my life. That means so much to me.

After 9 years, I'm questioning what's the point. But I can't let go. I need to know she's still there...even if it is only once a year.

I can imagine that I will feel the same way... knowing that nothing more will ever come of the relationship than an email once or twice a year, but not being able to stop writing. The only way that I would stop is if it seemed like she wasn't interested in hearing from me. It does mean a lot, and I'm thankful that I am even allowed to email my T. I know what you mean-- it feels like confirmation that she's still out there and remembers me.

I can't imagine my T encouraging me about something though, because she would probably see that as no longer her place.

[Petra5ed]

This thread is depressing. My therapist mentioned we could always stay in touch, but I'm realizing now that it will be something lame like a once yearly two sentence email. Jesus. I was so happy when he mentioned it and floated out of there like a total idiot

[Utterly]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

After 9 years, I'm questioning what's the point. But I can't let go. I need to know she's still there...even if it is only once a year.

If I can offer a thought, 9 years is an awfully long time, even in therapy years. I imagine your personality might not make it easy for you to let go of anyone good (or 'needed') in your life.

Its not about moving on, I think. We can never intentionally forget, but you can develop new healthy relationships, that fill the 'someone who genuinely cares for me' hole in your life.

For what its worth, I find it difficult to give up too, so I understand the emotion here. I'm pretty hard on myself about not moving backwards unless I feel like its a good idea. I don't always really deal with it, and just bury that emotion, and it works, but... (and the but is why I guess I still need therapy.)

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by skies_

It's been over 2 years since I had to end the relationship with my former therapist. We've texted maybe 5 or 6 times since then.

He always says something personable, such as he misses me, thinks about me and hopes i'm doing well, etc. They are usually a 3 sentences, and he signs his messages "love". For me, this reinforces that our relationship was meaningful, and that the spirit of our relationship still exists, that relational connections live on even after they end. It reinforces intrinsic worth and that he cared about me.

I'm not sure of what type of therapy you were in or the other circumstances, but in my situation, our therapeutic relationship was very intimate. My former therapist taught me everything I now know about intimacy and the importance of relationships. It was very late in my life, unfortunately, but better later than never.

I have never had such a positive physical ending to a relationship before, so the ending itself has been extremely therapeutic for me. It's also hopeful because it feels as though I did internalize his goodness, even if just a little bit, as there was nothing positive introjected from my parents. Nothing.

I'd be pretty hurt by that response. I'm think that you might be conflicted about it, hence your thread. I'm sorry.

My T would never in an email go so far as to say that she misses me or that she loves me, though before we terminated she said both of those things once. Though I would be thrilled to hear that sort of thing and would get a lot out if it if she wrote that in the emails, I do know that it would make me miss her that much more. I'm glad to hear that you gained a lot from therapy and learned how to be intimate. We also had an intimate relationship, but she had very strict boundaries.

Originally Posted by skies_

You did nothing wrong. I think the comments about the book list were very healthy; I have no idea how that could be crossing a line. You sound very insecure here. I imagine you were never fully secure about this relationship even when you were undergoing therapy with her.

I can see why you are questioning everything. I do want to point out that I do not think it is you. Not at all.

Thanks skies, I did feel a bit insecure. You're right that I can't say I was fully secure with her, mostly because her boundaries did sometimes confuse me or make me worry that she didn't care. However, she was very warm and I always trusted she was genuine with me. I don't think it was her fault that I didn't feel fully secure with her, because she was trustworthy and was doing what she did for a reason. It was me that didn't get there. But yet, it's not my fault exactly either because it's understandable that I would feel that way. In my opinion, the nature of the therapeutic relationship in general perhaps makes it difficult for me to fully trust.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

This thread is depressing. My therapist mentioned we could always stay in touch, but I'm realizing now that it will be something lame like a once yearly two sentence email. Jesus. I was so happy when he mentioned it and floated out of there like a total idiot

That's the way I felt too when my T first mentioned that we could stay in touch. I was like "YES, I'm saved! I'll be okay!" But I didn't fully think through what it would really be like.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I've been thinking about this. If this is the reason the T did not give a longer reply to the update, I wonder why she didn't explain this? I generally think that T's should explain more about why they are acting the way they do, and not leave clients confused and guessing.

I understand the desire for explanations and the belief that they would help the process, but I think it's an illusion, and that's why Ts don't do so in general. Most psychological process is affective in nature, even CBT under the surface. To engage in explanation would be to switch focus to an overtly cognitive process. Many clients use cognitive distortions as a defense and while some modalities do engage in direct refutation of distortions, psychdynamic process tends to prefer to do an end-run around such distortions. It is out of the confusion and guessing that affective truth is both revealed and healed. It's the language of the relationship. Changing that language changes the relationship.

[As an aside, there's quite a bit of good research showing that controlled--not overwhelming--confusion also aids in learning. That while deductive processes are more efficient in transmitting information, student learning is deeper and farther reaching when the result of inductive processes which also tend to invoke a certain amount of confusion.]

Any relationship after termination reflects the relationship before termination. I think many would feel confused and shaken if the T suddenly abandoned the prior patterns. And it could create harm if it led the client to then view the prior relationship as falsely created.

I think the circumstances surrounding termination play a role, too. If there was a transference that governed the relationship, especially if it were not resolved, that influence will continue. And a T has to be very careful to not upset that because there is no longer the control of the therapeutic relationship to repair any damage created. If there was a sense of completion of the work by termination, versus termination before the work was completed, any transference and its dynamics will still carry over.

For me, the work was finished and the transference resolved. But the attachment underlying the transference remains, and that attachment was and is a father/daughter one. So that pattern of relating continues to characterize the relationship, even in the face of changing boundaries.