[sweepy62]

I went in today with an agenda , my 2 week worth of topics everything planned out, told her about my morbid thought, that went well, she acessed it, is monitering it, we will work on my anger..

Then we started talking where we left of about some csa last session, that got a little touchy. I told her I was there not to waste my time or her time, that I wanted to change, and was not comfortable where i am at. She said if she ever gave me that impression she was sorry.

I told her I was wiling to open up more and step it up a notch, at my pace. she told me that we are starting the next time I see her in two weeks, pre trauma sessions. She is monitoring my stressors at home. Which is fine. The pre trauma involves practicing and saying the c s a words omg , I have to write them down and bring them to session, and we are going to say them together.

In order to start trauma therapy we must be comfortable saying words, she says. When she said this I must have turned 7yrs old, I covered my eyes with my arms and squiggled in my seat. I know its something I must do. I just dont know how to . Even if I write these words, I just cant say them. Please help me.

[kaliope]

I think taking the first step of writing them down is going to be a big one. then I would try reading them to myself over and over again. then whisper them to yourself over and over until you can say them outloud to yourself. once you are comfortable saying them out loud to your self then maybe you will be able to discuss them to t.

[SnakeCharmer]

Sweepy, that's how exposure therapy works and I think you said that's the plan. Is that right? This is something you can do and it will be very hard at first. It will feel devastating at first. At first, you may choke and cry and gasp on the words. Slowly, it'll become possible to say them. I hope you and T have practiced breathing and calming exercises for you to use while doing this.

I stood in front of the mirror and choked it out until I could say the words without choking. When you first start, it'll be all choking and tears and snot as you get it out. Slowly it'll get better.

The words cannot hurt you. They're just words. Words to be said in a safe environment. Just words. It'll be okay.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Giant (gentle & safe!) hugs, Sweepy. I know how hard some words can be to say in particular contexts. They literally scuttle away to the back of my throat and I can't cough them out at times. Definitely agree with writing them down as a first step.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Giant (gentle & safe!) hugs, Sweepy. I know how hard some words can be to say in particular contexts. They literally scuttle away to the back of my throat and I can't cough them out at times. Definitely agree with writing them down as a first step.

Thx, the major hurdle would be saying them in session relating them to me, she says we need to work on this before we even start trauma therapy. I just feel those words are disgusting when the topic is me.

When I hear them on the news , or on a tv show, yes they tend to annoy me, but I cope. My friends talk about intimacy , it's fine, I either brush it off or pretend to listen to the conversation .

The problem comes when, it's associated with c s a and me, to say yes I was ( blank blank ) or the person touched here or there, that feels like somebody squishing me. That's just thinking about it. To say that to t to actually verbalize it, I have never said it .

I have written some words down , 3 of them with old t before she left, but I either wrot them with missing letters, or hangman style, and backwards.

She was not accepting them like that.

[StressedMess]

(((((Sweepy))))) I'm so sorry you have to go through this!!

My oldest was SI and threatening Sui, I got her in counseling and she finally opened up about 6 months in. She felt terrified to say it and couldn't tell me, or even be interviewed by the police, for a year and a half after the abuser was out of our lives.

She does trauma focused cognitive behavioral therapy and the first thing they do every.single.weekly.session is DD recites her narrative. The idea is to talk about it safely, and continue to talk about it so much that it loses the power to hurt you. It's working and she's made great strides, but this was not c s a that happened long ago, it was more recent, so maybe easier for her to confront now before it becomes deeply ingrained.

I really commend you for being ready to work on this. It's incredibly hard and I know you'd rather be hung up by your toenails. But look how far you've already come!

Now you can think the words. Even if you don't know how you will ever speak them, you know T will help you and continue to keep you grounded in a safe environment while you work this out.

Here's one more hug! I'm so proud of you.

[ThisWayOut]

Sounds like a tough session coming up. (Hugs)
I can totally relate to coming on my words. Yesterday t and I were just talking about emotions and I couldn't spit them out half the time. I able certain words also (replayed to the csa), though t has not made me confront those yet.
I've found saying them in t makes it a bit easier because it's safer there... I hope you can find that safety and comfort as time goes on.

[Favorite Jeans]

Would it be helpful to write about it leaving certain words blank? Do you think it would help you to have it organized in your head? Also if you could present it to your T that way she could get a sense of what parts are too intense.

I imagine that even using a lot of euphemisms, blanks and metaphors it might help to tell your story.

[Favorite Jeans]

Sorry. Same post went up twice.

Also. I meant to say good luck with this stuff. Its unfair that you have to do this crappy work. None of this should have happened to you. Sorry Sweepy. It sucks. And you are really awesome for dealing with it in such a safe, thoughtful and constructive way.

[Utterly]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I imagine that even using a lot of euphemisms,

OMG, I love (and couldn't do without, in therapy) euphemisms and double entendres

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Sorry. Same post went up twice.

Also. I meant to say good luck with this stuff. Its unfair that you have to do this crappy work. None of this should have happened to you. Sorry Sweepy. It sucks. And you are really awesome for dealing with it in such a safe, thoughtful and constructive way.

We are not even up to those steps of talking about what happened, they are all steps. We are going to start talking and start practicing using the words I dread saying related to c s a , just words, without the story.

[CantExplain]

Sounds like a good plan.

If you need an intermediate step between writing the words and saying them, what about spelling them out loud?

Likewise, if you have trouble writing them, maybe your T could write them and you could copy them out?

It's all about baby steps, right?

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Sounds like a good plan.

If you need an intermediate step between writing the words and saying them, what about spelling them out loud?

Likewise, if you have trouble writing them, maybe your T could write them and you could copy them out?

It's all about baby steps, right?

Yes I agree, she won't write them Down. I wrote a coupe down in hangman style. I don't know if I can show up in two weeks.

[lone_77]

I know how you feel those words literally seem so awful and you just can't say them no matter how hard you try. Sometimes all you can do is just keep on trying even though it's scary...I think someone on here once said that reliving trauma won't ever be as bad as it was to experience it. That concept has helped me a lot in opening up. And sometimes it works if I just spit out the words really fast, like ripping off a bandaid.

[CantExplain]

I wonder if there is an on-line resource with lists of CSA words? You can find anything on the Internet!

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I wonder if there is an on-line resource with lists of CSA words? You can find anything on the Internet!

Thats a very good idea, I am going to try that, knowing her though, I wont be able to just bring in the printed version of it, Im going to have to write down the words that make me uncomfortable from the list I printed. Im going to search. OMG this is giving me hives already. Thanks for this idea.