[x123]

I am thinking about starting therapy again, but I'm afraid the therapist will recommend changes to my life that would hurt the well-being of others. I wouldn't make these changes, so the therapy would be a waste.

I'll try to describe my history briefly, because it is a sequence of disappointments and I think that is part of my problem. I'm 48 single male.

- I screwed-up my opportunity in college due to depression. I had bad dreams about these failures for the next 20 years. (1991)

- I was able to find a job writing software and gradually felt some sense of self worth. After 10 years I became depressed and started drinking too much. I had job opportunities, but all I felt like such a failure that I didn't want those jobs. Eventually I threw all my belongings in a dumpster and drove home to help my father and brother in the small family plumbing business. (I decided I couldn't kill myself, so this would be an alternative way to hurt myself.) (2000)

- I had a few opportunities to get jobs in software, but my family was depending on me. My father was diagnosed with cancer and my mother had to take care of him for several years until he died. My brother and I bought the business from my father, and I felt even more stuck. (2003)

- My father died and a hurricane devastated our business in 2008. I had a nervous breakdown six months later. I had been an atheist since college, but now I started seeing hallucinations of Jesus. I gave away all my savings, because I thought God wanted me to join a monastery. Those savings had been a comfort, because I thought I could have used them to relocate and find a new job if necessary. Now they are gone. (2009-2010)

- My mother was living alone until she was mugged and slightly beaten while doing her laundry. She intends to move into our plumbing businesses warehouse where I currently live. We would have separate apartments, but she would feel less lonely.

- My brother can't run the plumbing business by himself. Currently I do the bookkeeping. My brother is not good at managing people and neither am I. We have about 12 employees. We struggle to make a profit due to lack of control.

So I don't know what I can do to improve my own life without severely damage the situation for my mother and brother.

I want to find a way to be content in this situation that I can't change. I don't know if a therapist would understand this and be able to help me.

[SDarbo]

The therapy is about you and and your internal state and your outward orientation changes accordingly.

However many therapists do give homework and do advise changes in your 'real world'.

The first couple of sessions involve your determining if the therapist can help, the therapist determining if they can help you, and the setting of therapeutic goals. None of that is really a unilateral process.

If therapy is for you, Its not something to engage in to change others. If you think you will benefit you shouldn't avoid it because your changing might effect other people, imo.

You will get to define therapeutic goals and desired outcomes, but therapy is a dynamic, fluid situation and nobody knows exactly where it might lead. So I say there are no guarantees that therapy won't effect your other relations.

I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It seems very difficult.

Whatever recommendations a therapist might make, it is always your choice to take them or not. My own perspective, for whatever it is worth, is that my therapist has been mentioning a specific change that he thinks I should make in my life, at irregular intervals for over two years now; I can see his point, but am not prepared to make the change. That is my choice, and therapy has been and is immensely valuable for me despite that choice.

What a good therapist can help you do is identify and recognise areas where you could improve your life without making sweeping changes that you are not prepared to make. And it might be useful to have an intelligent professional to discuss things with, such as how to make your business run more smoothly, or how to cope with your feelings around your mother's and brother's situation.

I don't think there can be any harm in at least trying it out.

[HazelGirl]

The reality is that your brother and your mother are responsible for their own lives. They are adults and should not be depending on you for their happiness or well-being. They can learn to take care of themselves, and you don't need to feel guilty for forcing them to start acting like the adults they are.

With that said, you don't need to change those things to benefit from therapy. There's a lot you can do to change yourself and your own thoughts and feelings. Also, could you consider medicine for the depression problems?

[JustShakey]

Small changes can make a big difference. Therapy can help you improve your current life situation too. Your therapist should not try to push you into making changes you are not comfortable with. That's simply not therapeutic.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[x123]

Thanks, that is encouraging.

I tried therapy around 2012, but I felt like it wasn't very productive. I went monthly for a year. (I have heard that it is better to go weekly, so I plan to try that this time.)

One problem is that the therapist would make suggestions like trying to volunteer, and I never followed through.

To be honest, I often think my situation is hopeless. Also I'm 48 and it is hard to imagine my personality changing.

I hope I can get motivated to try therapy again though.

[HazelGirl]

It does take a willingness to work on yourself, and try the things your T suggests even if it's hard. After all, has your way of doing things really worked for you up to this point? Probably not, based on what you're describing. Why not try something new, even if it's difficult?

[Utterly]

Originally Posted by x123

Thanks, that is encouraging.

I tried therapy around 2012, but I felt like it wasn't very productive. I went monthly for a year. (I have heard that it is better to go weekly, so I plan to try that this time.)

One problem is that the therapist would make suggestions like trying to volunteer, and I never followed through.

To be honest, I often think my situation is hopeless. Also I'm 48 and it is hard to imagine my personality changing.

I hope I can get motivated to try therapy again though.

A good therapist will meet you where you are, and help you find internal motivation, and not by pushing you or "suggesting." Simply by strengthening the part of you that wants to do more.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It does take a willingness to work on yourself, and try the things your T suggests even if it's hard. After all, has your way of doing things really worked for you up to this point? Probably not, based on what you're describing. Why not try something new, even if it's difficult?

I disagree that a willingness to try whatever the T suggests is part of what it takes, necessarily. Ts can make suggestions that are off the mark.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I disagree that a willingness to try whatever the T suggests is part of what it takes, necessarily. Ts can make suggestions that are off the mark.

True. I'm sorry. I wasn't clear enough. Yes, they can be wrong sometimes. But sometimes, we make excuses to avoid doing things, not because the T is wrong, but because we're worried or don't want to change. But even if the T is wrong occasionally, would it hurt to at least try? Worst case scenario, you can say she was wrong, IMO.

[guilloche]

Hi X123.

Wow. That does sound like a rough history, but it also sounds like you've got quite a bit of resilience and tenacity to "keep on keeping on", and to be supporting yourself (and co-running a business, none the less).

I just wanted to chime in that not all therapists work for all people. I'd hate to see you waste another year with a therapist that isn't helpful, or is too pushy, or just doesn't click for you.

It can take a couple tries to find one that you feel like you can work with, that is able to "meet you where you're at" (I like that phrase, thanks Utterly!) and able to respond in ways that are helpful.

I feel compelled to point that out because I've spent years with the wrong therapists as well, and at the time, it felt like it was *my* fault - like I was doing something wrong, I wasn't trying hard enough, or I was just not capable of change/therapy. This was really demoralizing, and frankly, not right!

So, I'd like to wish you GOOD LUCK, and feel free to try out a couple different therapists! I hope you quickly find one that makes your gut go "YES!" and that you feel can be helpful and can work well with you.

Good luck!

[Partless]

I have nothing useful to suggest but I just wanted to say I was really touched by your story and I'm so sorry to hear about the kind of life you've had, but also your family. It made me quite sad.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by x123

I am thinking about starting therapy again, but I'm afraid the therapist will recommend changes to my life that would hurt the well-being of others. I wouldn't make these changes, so the therapy would be a waste.

I'll try to describe my history briefly, because it is a sequence of disappointments and I think that is part of my problem. I'm 48 single male.

- I screwed-up my opportunity in college due to depression. I had bad dreams about these failures for the next 20 years. (1991)

- I was able to find a job writing software and gradually felt some sense of self worth. After 10 years I became depressed and started drinking too much. I had job opportunities, but all I felt like such a failure that I didn't want those jobs. Eventually I threw all my belongings in a dumpster and drove home to help my father and brother in the small family plumbing business. (I decided I couldn't kill myself, so this would be an alternative way to hurt myself.) (2000)

- I had a few opportunities to get jobs in software, but my family was depending on me. My father was diagnosed with cancer and my mother had to take care of him for several years until he died. My brother and I bought the business from my father, and I felt even more stuck. (2003)

- My father died and a hurricane devastated our business in 2008. I had a nervous breakdown six months later. I had been an atheist since college, but now I started seeing hallucinations of Jesus. I gave away all my savings, because I thought God wanted me to join a monastery. Those savings had been a comfort, because I thought I could have used them to relocate and find a new job if necessary. Now they are gone. (2009-2010)

- My mother was living alone until she was mugged and slightly beaten while doing her laundry. She intends to move into our plumbing businesses warehouse where I currently live. We would have separate apartments, but she would feel less lonely.

- My brother can't run the plumbing business by himself. Currently I do the bookkeeping. My brother is not good at managing people and neither am I. We have about 12 employees. We struggle to make a profit due to lack of control.

So I don't know what I can do to improve my own life without severely damage the situation for my mother and brother.

I want to find a way to be content in this situation that I can't change. I don't know if a therapist would understand this and be able to help me.

I am sorry you had to endure so much. This sounds really tough and I don't blame you for wanting to have a therapist who would be able to understand that you are in the place where you primarily need support and someone to help you just cope better with your life and not push you into making major changes. My advice is to make your needs clear to any prospective therapist you interview. They have to honor your requests because the therapy is about you and you should be the one deciding what you do and don't need. If they refuse to do so, keep looking until you find the therapist who would accept your requirements. If you are unable to find such therapist, a support group may be a good option.

[x123]

Thanks, everybody. I liked what Guilloche wrote about blaming yourself when you should simply try a new therapist.

What Idititmyway said about pushing me into big changes reminded me of something. After the year spent unproductively in therapy, I tried a new therapist. I liked the new therapist, and she seemed to understand how embarrassed and disappointed I feel about my life. It felt great to have somebody understand finally. Unfortunately she laid-out her plan to get my life back on track that would have probably meant abandoning my mother and brother. I started having terrible anxiety for two days until I finally called and cancelled the next appointment. So this is a big problem.

BTW, my main goal for therapy is to get along with my brother better. I am very disrespectful and mean to him for no reason. I don't understand this. My behavior is embarrassing and unprofessional, but I can't seem to control myself. I suspect that unconsciously I cannot allow myself to be happy or content in a situation that is humiliating, so I feel anger?

[SoggySketti]

All a Therapist can do is guide you. I am very sorry for all you have gone through and truly hope you can quell some or your burdens. ((hugs))

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by x123

Thanks, everybody. I liked what Guilloche wrote about blaming yourself when you should simply try a new therapist.

What Idititmyway said about pushing me into big changes reminded me of something. After the year spent unproductively in therapy, I tried a new therapist. I liked the new therapist, and she seemed to understand how embarrassed and disappointed I feel about my life. It felt great to have somebody understand finally. Unfortunately she laid-out her plan to get my life back on track that would have probably meant abandoning my mother and brother. I started having terrible anxiety for two days until I finally called and cancelled the next appointment. So this is a big problem.

BTW, my main goal for therapy is to get along with my brother better. I am very disrespectful and mean to him for no reason. I don't understand this. My behavior is embarrassing and unprofessional, but I can't seem to control myself. I suspect that unconsciously I cannot allow myself to be happy or content in a situation that is humiliating, so I feel anger?

I am sorry this new therapist was so disappointing and anxiety-provoking. Personally, I think, when the therapist lays out a plan for the client, who is not asking for it, it's disrespectful. It is my firm belief that the therapist should work with the client collaboratively and to make sure they both work on mutually agreed goals. Not doing so is not only unproductive but is often hurtful because the client's wishes aren't even considered. She didn't care to ask you what you wanted to work on in therapy and made that decision for you. This is really dismissive. Sorry you had that experience.

[x123]

Thanks, everybody. Now I have a better understanding of what I should seek in therapy. I have more control than I realized.