crappy session

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Talulah said:
and maybe... just maybe... i'm not well enough for therapy after all. ".........................................

Yes, you've done a great job at avoiding attachments. But you've also said you wish for a relationship and that you can be lonely. So, i guess the questions is, can you muster the strength to start risking? Even a little one with t? Let yourself attach a bit? It is ok. That is what he's there for, To teach you about healthy attachments and see you through when/if it gets unhealthy or frightening. But, this would require you to allow a bit of an attachment. To put yourself out there just a wee bit. Tell him you're afraid to get stung (i bet he knows this).

You are "well enough" for therapy alex. You are so intelligent and articulate and dynamic, i can tell this without even meeting you in person! Give yourself more credit. You are worth the risk lovely one. You are worth the risk....

((((((alex)))))))

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> talulah that is a beautifully written post for alex.
<font color="CC99CC">
you're all worth it in whatever currency you place most value on.....gold, paper bills, chickens, beads, baseball cards, etc...........you're worth the risk and as scary as it is you deserve the answers to your questions in order to help you in the ways that you need......was going to type something else but it didn't pertain to you unless we assumed. gonna try to just hear what you're all saying.

thank you so much for sharing as much as you have here. often we don't respond as our thoughts are better expressed in other ways. if not then pls let us know.</font>

edited cuz colour didn't work and it looked all weird...meh

thanks guys. yeah, i guess i need to talk about it. because if i don't talk about it then i'll only act it out instead. and that would be worse. part of it is about the intensity. i find it hard to do things by halves. my emotions are either very very intense or i'm kinda dissociated from them. the dissociation can help with the present interaction. stops me doing anything irrevokable. but i guess there are costs with respect to other interactions and there are costs long term too as either the feelings come out violently with the alters or i push people away and they conclude they can't help me.

i just wish there was a 'mute' is all... i guess i'll start telling him this stuff properly by email when he goes away. but i'll also try and raise some of it when i see him on friday. i just... don't want to fall apart.

guess i need to practice the mindfulness stuff, huh. so i can feel the feelings without acting on them. so i can get better at distracting from them so i can have a good working day.

need to refocus back on work... getting into it today.

((((guys))))

thanks

PS... with respect to the 'relationship' thing... it isn't so much about my wanting a relationship as it is about my wanting a f buddy... (not trying to bypass asterisking but just so thats clearer)... used to have this 'arrangement' back home with a guy who was a really good friend. that worked out fairly well for a long time... haven't got that there though... just a once off drunken encounter with a guy down the hall (OOPS that was NOT a good move). though... it is alright now... and he is going out with a good friend of mine and so we won't be repeating that... but i miss that, i do...

Hmm... Okay so I say there aren't any candidates... And with respect to the f buddy thing there really aren't... But there are a couple of nice guys here...

One of them... Liked me. And I quite liked him too. One drunken evening at the pub we walked back to campus and fooled around a bit... And the next day he was really terrific. Came to my office to see me and asked if I wanted to have coffee... And I was a bit freaked out... And he was really nice. And said something along the lines of 'it was all a little too quick, huh'. And it was... Not because I haven't had encounters that went further faster before... But because I was trying to sort out my feelings because I wasn't sure but I thought... That I really did like him. In terms of relationship potential rather than f buddy potential. For me... Those are two quite seperable things. Basically... I don't do relationships (too intimate) but I do enjoy sex... So the f buddy thing is a way of that being manageable and all in good fun.

Anyway... I wasn't sure I wasn't sure... And so I guess I pushed him away a bit. It was a really stressful time for me too with deadlines and conferences and stuff and so really I was pushing everyone away. But he would come over for coffee and I would rave at him about what I was writing. Couldn't be in the moment with him. He was really terrific though. And I went to Sydney a while back now and hung out with him and stayed with him and his Father and his Grandma (and they were lovely)... There was potential there... But I guess I put out the '%#@&#! off' signals... And eventually I heard that he was going out with one of my good friends. I was a little hurt initially... Then got to thinking 'if he isn't prepared to wait for me then it is good to know that now' but then I realised it was about my giving signals that I wasn't interested... And I've kind of said something to him since... And the mutual take on the situation was that 'it was a little too much too soon'. But we are still good mates and there isn't any awkwardness or anything... And maybe something will eventuate one day or maybe it won't. But it did get me thinking on how frightened I really am about intimacy. How much I hate and detest and am embarrassed about my body. The fears I have that someone will laugh at me or hate me or abandon me or hurt me...

And there is this other guy here who I kind of like... And it is a bit hard because my office mate really likes him... But I know that he isn't interested in her... And she kind of has this thing with this guy in Ireland anyway... But it turns out that he is a mushie hunter. And there aren't many of us... So we are going to go out hunting... And... I do like him... And I wish I wasn't so terrified of intimacy. But I guess we are mates... And I'll try hard to be a good mate and not send out the '%#@&#! off' messages... And we will just see what happens. Just try and enjoy the friendship. And not send out those signals. Sigh. I wish life wasn't so hard...

alex......................so yes, the f buddy thing, i get that, you've got 'needs' and that's a good filler. but, I have to say, this does intersect, at some level, with relationships dear one wether you admit it or not. You've illustrated above that once the connection goes beyone the F level...if it does, you clearly put the kabosh on it. So I 'd reckon it's valid that you apply these 'defences' al the time regarding intimacy either with 'partner-types' or friends.

As for:
............................"i guess i need to talk about it. because if i don't talk about it then i'll only act it out instead. and that would be worse. part of it is about the intensity. i find it hard to do things by halves. my emotions are either very very intense or i'm kinda dissociated from them. the dissociation can help with the present interaction. stops me doing anything irrevokable. but i guess there are costs with respect to other interactions and there are costs long term too as either the feelings come out violently with the alters or i push people away and they conclude they can't help me.

i just wish there was a 'mute' is all... i guess i'll start telling him this stuff properly by email when he goes away. but i'll also try and raise some of it when i see him on friday. i just... don't want to fall apart."....................................

Yes, you do need to try to talk about it. And if your fear is acting out or having alters arise, then I think this is an indicator that you need to go there. If you become sad, violent, regressed or whatever your T probably needs a bit of a window to 'see;' you, to really see you without you managing that perception 24/7. Therapy is the place for that, it is safe and he would be the best one to make some mistakes in front of ya know?

Doing something 'irrevokable' can be cathartic and move therapy up to a level that you may require to become 'better' or to achive the goals you are setting for yourself. This is the scariest part, letting t see what he does not typically see with you.

You seem to apply black/white thinking, all good/all bad, dissociate/act out. Well, you've shown him the dissociated side, maybe you can let go a little and show the acting out side. Your fear of what may happen is extremely valid and crippling your ability to move past this 'point' with T imo. You may feel rejected or that he will conclude he cannot or will not help you anymore. I understand this. You have to push beyond this comfort zone to get the answer. Otherwise, you're beting yourself up with the what ifs....instead of mustering the courage to see what happens when.....

The mindfulness stuff is good, but why do you feel you need to distract the other stuff? You may need to let go of mananging this and let it come to surface. It sounds a bit like avoidance versus "distraction" if used in this way. And yea, maybe avoiding is the coping tool of choiuce for you with T. Avoidance will stain you and he will eventually see this imo. Try my dear to show that side of which you try so hard to keep within. It'll be okay, you'll be okay and ppl will accept you for this...I would, i think T would too....

This will ultimately help you so you can apply it to future relationships and not fear the $$$$! off factor you employ with potential mates....

(((((((alex))))))))

Thanks zh, alex is worth all the nurturing she avoids......she absolutely is...