[Yearning0723]

I went onto a hotline chat and made up a story that I was a little kid being really badly abused by her parents. It was like the urge to self-harm or something, it was just too big, I felt like I needed a sympathy/attention fix, whatever it was, and it was pretty gratifying until I could tell the counsellor was getting really worried and I shut down the chat because I was worried the counsellor would try to trace the IP, even though I was using a VPN.

I need to talk to T about this. It's not good for me; it's not good for me emotionally and it's not good for the person on the other end who has to listen to a really horrific made up story and it's just not good and I feel so so so so so so so so awful about it. And at the same time I know I'm going to do it again, because part of me can't help it sometimes. I went months without doing it at all, but over the past few weeks it's just seemed really big, and I need to stop it, and I need to tell T, but I can't. I'm scared. And I'm turning into the person my mother always told me I was, someone who lies about being abused just to get attention. I hate myself.

When I read your previous post about this I thought - you CAN talk to your T about this, she will totally understand why you do thus. I had something this week that felt almost impossible to talk to my T about, I took inspiration from your post - I kind of thought well, if I think you can talk about your thing, I can talk about my thing, I forced myself to say it, and I feel a huge relief from having said it, I told my T how hard it was for me to say it. Thanks for posting about this - I bet you never realised that your posts were helping others.

[CantExplain]

I wonder.

Are your "made up" stories really so far from the truth? For instance, did you suffer emotional abuse and feel impelled to retell it as physical?

[StressedMess]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I wonder.

Are your "made up" stories really so far from the truth? For instance, did you suffer emotional abuse and feel impelled to retell it as physical?

This. Does it seem odd to anyone else that a mother would say to a child they will end up lying about abuse for attention? Like downplaying her actions while gaslighting the child into keeping them a secret so as to say "nobody will believe you if you tell."

OP please take heart, you can talk to your T about this. Doesn't matter if we all think what you're doing isn't such a big deal, you are upset by it. Take some pocket-riders with you to session if you need to.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I wonder.

Are your "made up" stories really so far from the truth? For instance, did you suffer emotional abuse and feel impelled to retell it as physical?

Yes, this. In my mind what really happened is "not a big deal" and also I'm not a little kid anymore and talking about what happened 6+ years ago doesn't seem to get that need met...so instead I make up really serious stuff that is OBVIOUSLY a big deal that is happening right now. It's gratifying. But also evil. And I'm doing exactly what my mother always accused me of doing.

[HazelGirl]

I think the only bad part of this is that you feel bad about it. I don't think it's too far from the truth, and that if you told your real story, you would get a similar response.

What's interesting is that you tend to reject comfort/concern when you talk about what happened to you here, yet you go to these chat rooms to get that concern that you reject when you tell your story.

Yearning, you are doing well to share this here. You're right. It's not good for you or the person/people at the other end who are responding to what they believe is a crisis. For one thing, it takes them away from a child or teen who is in crisis. You know this, of course. The question is how to get your needs met another way, because they are valid needs. I hope you can get the courage to tell your therapist. She sounds like a very supportive, non-judgmental person in your life.

[Ad Intra]

It would be a good idea to talk to your T. You can figure out triggers for your actions. It's good that you realize this is wrong, all you can do now is changing the behavior.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

Yearning, you are doing well to share this here. You're right. It's not good for you or the person/people at the other end who are responding to what they believe is a crisis. For one thing, it takes them away from a child or teen who is in crisis. You know this, of course. The question is how to get your needs met another way, because they are valid needs. I hope you can get the courage to tell your therapist. She sounds like a very supportive, non-judgmental person in your life.

I know. I really don't want to do it, I really don't. I just can't tell T. I just can't say the words out loud. It took me years of doing it to even tell it through writing on here! I just hate myself when I do it. And I feel really bad for the person on the other end of it.

[Yearning0723]

And also I think they might have called the police and traced my IP address. I don't know, but I think that might have happened. The lady said she was going to do that and then I closed the chat. So I might be in some trouble too...not that I don't deserve that...but that's not the point.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

And also I think they might have called the police and traced my IP address. I don't know, but I think that might have happened. The lady said she was going to do that and then I closed the chat. So I might be in some trouble too...not that I don't deserve that...but that's not the point.

It takes time for that to happen. So I don't think she actually got the chance to.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It takes time for that to happen. So I don't think she actually got the chance to.

She told me she was sending our chat and the IP address to the police, who would send it to Interpol (because I was using a hotline from a different country). That's why I disconnected the chat.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

She told me she was sending our chat and the IP address to the police, who would send it to Interpol (because I was using a hotline from a different country). That's why I disconnected the chat.

If it's in a different country, they have no jurisdiction and can't do anything about it.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

If it's in a different country, they have no jurisdiction and can't do anything about it.

Interpol can...they can contact local police once they have the IP, which they do...I mean, Interpol also doesn't have resources to waste on a story like that, I think, but it was still not a good situation. I am wasting a whole bunch of people's time and messing with their emotions.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Interpol can...they can contact local police once they have the IP, which they do...I mean, Interpol also doesn't have resources to waste on a story like that, I think, but it was still not a good situation. I am wasting a whole bunch of people's time and messing with their emotions.

You'll be okay. If they show up, there are no underage kids there, so you're fine.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

You'll be okay. If they show up, there are no underage kids there, so you're fine.

Yeah, I know. Making up a story about being abused isn't illegal (except if it's directly to the police). But it's still BAD.

[PeeJay]

........

[Restin]

Your situation reminds me of the book "Running on Empty". It was largely my situation too. Not so much horrible beatings, SR, SA, etc. but emotional neglect. Emotional neglect is a horrible form of child abuse and causes major disorder in growing and developing. But, like you say, it doesn't sound like much to anyone but a trained professional. I can see the strong need to make your hurt sound justified to people. You know you feel the hurt as much as if you were beaten with a baseball bat
And maybe Thanksgiving holiday has some effect, I don't know. Everyone gathering to have a joyous celebration and ignore your pain while you have to feel it just the same.