Do rigid boundaries hurt more than they help?

While I get having boundaries I wonder if the extreme ones like refusing cheap gifts, and even refusing to hug (a universal non-sexual gesture of caring) might do more harm than good. I'm becoming aware I'm probably in therapy because I don't feel cared about, and I probably love my therapist because he does that for me... I can't imagine how painful it would be if he wouldn't respond to my texts here or there or a phone call (once in a while) if I'm in crisis... Or if he wouldn't accept a cheap gift and wouldn't touch me... I think I wouldn't feel cared about and it would defeat the purpose of therapy entirely.

For me personally, I need the touch, the acceptance of gifts, and a way to feel connected inbtwn sessions. But I can understand how for some people stricter boundaries might be want or even needed.

I had a college counselor refuse to be my counselor because I reminded her of another student who stalked her. I convinced her to give me a chance, but she put up strong boundaries...for her protection. Once she got to know me, the boundaries became the same as other students and we actually developed a very close/connected professional relationship.

I think of four reasons for rigidness:
-client who constantly challenges boundaries
-therapist who has a rigid personality
-type of therapy (e.g. psychoanalysis, which I personally dislike very much)
-lack of experience (flexibility comes with experience)

Sometimes they do but it depends on the client too and the circumstances, nothing us ever black and white with therapy. I would need a t to be human and to touch if it was needed to heal and to challenge why they can't so something because of boundaries or ethics. I hear ts say boundaries are there to protect the client, some of them are but the majority are there to protect the t.

I agree.

I do not want nor would I accept cheap gifts or hugging from the therapist. I think my boundaries help more than they hurt.

Rigid boundaries as you describe would render therapy extraordinarily fruitless for me. It would be colluding in my ability to keep actually feeling emotions safely locked away, and instead I could happily remain in my comfort zone.

It depends. I'm a very boundary oriented person. For me, having a T that is flexible in his boundaries (letting a little bit of blurring but always very skillful) has helped me a great deal. I'm so rigid in how think things "should" be that to have him challenge me in some ways is good.

If I had a T that was really rigid, I don't know that I'd ever get anywhere in therapy.

Rigid boundaries work for some people but not others. I think finding the T whose boundaries match yours is the most important thing.

My T will accept gifts of things that are free to me (tomatoes from my garden, a copy of a cd she had said she wanted) but nothing elaborate. She will not do hugs and I am fine with that as I would not want hugs at all. She responds when I am in crisis and has emailed me supportive things in the past.

I think if a T had strict boundaries and a client didn't or vice versa would be a big issue.

I agree. It's about the match. No one size fits all.

I think it depends on the circumstances. For me as a client with a male pdoc, I need tighter boundaries help me from getting too attached. I rejection/abandonment with men, so even if I want to get closer I know at some point loose boundaries would end up hurting more than helping in the long run. I also have a great relationship with my female T, but but no transference or attraction issues. So if the boundaries are looser it doesn't affect me one way or another.

I need tight boundaries. A hug, which I think I would relish, would likely malignantly intensify my maternal erotic transference.

Bottom line, I trust my therapist to set the right boundaries for us. I may have a tantrum about those boundaries, but she is right.

I would drown and suffer if I set our boundaries, I think.

Yes, I strongly believe that boundaries which are too firm can do more harm than good. I mean, some clients really need very rigid boundaries, and with them I think this would work but the purpose would always be to move toward healthy AND flexible boundaries on both sides. It made a lot of sense to me when I was studying gestalt theory and therapy in my final year as a psychology undergrad and they associated disorder with both loose AND rigid boundaries. It's important to both leave out what's toxic AND allow in what's good for you, and failing at either makes the boundary partly unhealthy, I think. I would also add that context is important - therapists normally want to help clients be aware of their needs and find ways to fulfill them while also taking into account the environment, other people, and consequences. I think keeping firm but flexible boundaries in the therapeutic relationship is a great way of modeling that kind of healthy behavior.

As an anecdote, I once read a therapist's blog where she talked about working from home and informing clients they were not allowed to go to the bathroom because that would give out too much personal information about her and ruin the transference. As someone with a nervous bladder, my first reaction was that I would never go to such a therapist, and as a therapist my reaction was to think that this was that therapist's issue rather than something which might actually affect the therapy.

When I asked my T for a hug and he said no it hurt like hell. But interestingly the ensuing rupture seems to have strengthened our relationship and we have both learnt from what happened. I'm not saying I wouldn't like to hug him, but we have been able to work at other ways he can emotionally 'hold' me so it has been worthwhile in some ways and prepares me for self comforting I suppose.
The gift thing we haven't discussed yet. I plan to email him and tell him I have gotten him something small for Christmas so he has time to think about it rather than springing it on him (like I did with the hug thing)
The hug incident has actually prepared me for this kind of situation so I can accept it if he doesn't accept gifts.

It depends. All therapists I have had have hugged me which I have felt I needed. Not all of them have accepted gifts. The area where it depends for me is sharing. Most of my therapists I have had had pretty rigid boundaries about sharing. I kind of wish they would have shared more but when they do I end up feeling envious like my therapist talks about all her friends and stuff and that is hard for me because I don't have too many and it is hard for me to make friends. Also one would talk about her daughters and that would bother me because I always thought she was probably a great mom and I didn't always feel like I had that. One talked about her relationship with her father which again upset me because my father was not a good father. While I wish they would share more I know it ends up bothering me when they do.

Rigid boundaries hurt more then help for me.
I can imagine why Ts dont do hugs. My T think it was sexual but I dont think so. Maybe its sexual for him.
It was healing when he hugged me and I miss it.

If a T doesn't want xlients using their bathroom why would they choose to work out of their homes? Or close off a section for office/client use only. And there is no firm rule against accepting gifts from clients, at least hot in the US. It's advised against but Ts are held to the same rules as teachers and other professionals - they can accept gifts under a certain $ amount. The rest to me definitely shows thT there are a lot of Ts who either forget their clients are human or have a lot of issues of their own to look into.

The bathroom thing seems like the weirdest thing ever IMO. If she wants to work out of her home and is worried about what people will do, she needs to redecorate her bathroom. Put a frickin' lock on a cabinet or something if you need to get private items in there (although most houses that would accommodate an office generally have a guest bathroom).

I mean, no matter what, even if it were her only bathroom, there are other solutions other than "NO NO POTTY FOR YOU!"

Exactly! That was just so weird. I told my therapist and he said he wouldn't see that therapist either. It just doesn't seem right the way that therapist set up her practice and rules.

That's interesting about the gifts. I've seen posts from you saying that before, about a certain amount of $. We have no such thing where I live. We're only told not to accept gifts that are too expensive - jewelry, car, house But the other, smaller stuff, that's left open to interpretation as to how much is too much, I think. It's interesting that you mentioned therapists in the US being held to the same standards as teachers. Teachers here seem to accept gifts quite freely and there are still the corrupt ones who will ask for expensive things in order to let students pass etc. It never happened to me when I was in school, but I've read articles about it and that there were parents who recorded such discussions with the teachers. I think this is also a cultural thing. Interestingly, psychotherapy is very young in my country, but I've never heard of this level of corruption among psychotherapists. I've heard and known cases of therapists who are unethical in other ways, but no receiving very expensive gifts from clients.

The first one I see once told me my boundaries were more rigid than hers. I don't remember why she said it, but I am much more consistent in mine than she is. I think everyone has boundaries and that a client's boundaries are just as important to recognize.

I agree the clients boundaries are important, but in my mind if a client doesn't want to hug I see no harm to the therapist, so it's kinda a mute point. I think there are a lot of needy clients and if you want to be a therapist you have to be a bit flexible. Telling a patient that finds herself repulsive "no I won't hug you" for example might just reinforce her bad self-esteem... And for what?

I'm a believer that boundaries need to adapt to both the client and the T. I tend to like t's with more fluid boundaries, however I also want them respecting mine. I'm not much of a hugger, and would really be bothered by a T who asked for or offered a hug after every session. However I do like them once in a while, especailly after a really difficult session, or at the last session. I don't ask for one easily though, so unless the T offered, I don't think I would ask.
I think I would be bothered if a t declined a gift I brought, because again, it's not something I do regulalry, and it's generally something I made specifically for that person. I have yet to have a T reffuse a gift though.
As for other boundaries, like crisis calls and such, I would prefer a T that adapted more readily. I totally understand the need for boundaries around calls or contact outside of session, but I also know some clients can be in need of more support than others. I would probably err on the side of more loose boundaries until it needed revisiting. Some days it kills me that I no longer have a reliable and confidential way to contact T between sessions. :/

My first t had very rigid boundaries- they were like brick walls, rather than flexible as boundaries are able to be- and it was very hurtful and harmful.

There is another thread "are hugs sexual?" that people may want to read. The range of experiences and preferences stated here is wide. I'm at the keep-firm-boundaries end of the spectrum like just a few others here. Attracted to and resentful towards people in authority generally, including my T, so rigid is good.

T offers some sessions in home office, convenient to my job...can't imagine how desperate I'd be to ask to use bathroom there. I just go to a nearby store afterwards if needed. We terminate sessions on the dot of the allotted minutes. No touch/hug. All good. Tried asking a minor personal question once and got Ice Queen treatment. Ouch.

Then again she mentions things and places that she encounters outside sessions that might be of interest based on our past discussions, which is thoughtful.

So...Generally T shoes positive regard and interest while holding firm boundaries as to meeting space, session closure, and nontouching. Good for my situation.