[Petra5ed]

This last week my therapist said "this is a business relationship" regarding me and our sessions. It was odd, out of the blue kind of... Even though I know it is just business for him, the way he said it stung, like I'm some kind of idiot who has the wrong idea he actually cares about me. For some reason this is really killing me now. At the time I even though "ouch" but I couldn't feel anything in session. Maybe I should take a break? It hurts caring so much about someone and them not caring in return, it is a theme in my life.

What an incredibly thoughtless thing to say.

[Ididitmyway]

I wonder why he had the need to say that. Did you do or say anything that would make him think you would take the relationship the wrong way? I can't judge without knowing the context, but, generally speaking, it's stupid and, frankly, insensitive of a therapist to state something that is well understood from the start. Besides, it's a professional, not a "business" relationship.

"Business" sounds too mercenary, while "professional" refers to the specific parameters a.k.a boundaries and establishes that the relationship is based on the service that one party provides to the other. You have a business relationship with someone you share the profit with from the mutually owned business, and you have a professional relationship with colleagues, employers, employees. lawyers, doctors, therapists etc.

It sounds like he is not very confident about his own ability to keep it professional, but is projecting it on you.

[rainbow8]

My t once asked me how I interact with the other professionals in my life. That sent me on a downward spiral and discussions about whether she cares about me or if I am just her job. Finally I realize that I can be her job AND she can care about me deeply. She is a professional but that doesn't mean she can't "send me love." She hasn't compared herself to my tax accountant for a long, long time.

I think what your T said is hurtful and harmful. Technically, therapy IS a business relationship but those words don't do it justice. Therapy is SO much more than that! Are you sure he doesn't care for you even though he used those words? I don't think ts understand how different we view the therapeutic relationship from the way they do! I hope you can talk more about his word choice and clarify what he meant.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

I wonder why he had the need to say that. Did you do or say anything that would make him think you would take the relationship the wrong way? I can't judge without knowing the context, but, generally speaking, it's stupid and, frankly, insensitive of a therapist to state something that is well understood from the start. Besides, it's a professional, not a "business" relationship.

It was right at the beginning of the session and I even wondered if it was something he had pre-planned to say for some reason. I don't know that I did anything to make him think I would take the relationship the wrong way, other than disclose some intense transference. It definitely wasn't something I had just said though, because I don't think Id said anything.

Thanks. I thought your idea he was projecting his inability to keep things professional was interesting. I have a very strong connection to him. I have no idea how he feels about me but my gut feeling has always been that he loves me. On the other hand I have bookoo personal baggage and don't trust a thing I think, so I could be way off on that.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My t once asked me how I interact with the other professionals in my life. That sent me on a downward spiral and discussions about whether she cares about me or if I am just her job. Finally I realize that I can be her job AND she can care about me deeply. She is a professional but that doesn't mean she can't "send me love." She hasn't compared herself to my tax accountant for a long, long time.

I think what your T said is hurtful and harmful. Technically, therapy IS a business relationship but those words don't do it justice. Therapy is SO much more than that! Are you sure he doesn't care for you even though he used those words? I don't think ts understand how different we view the therapeutic relationship from the way they do! I hope you can talk more about his word choice and clarify what he meant.

Thanks, I can understand your experience. I don't know, him saying that made me question if he cares, prior to that I thought he did. I never doubted he did actually. Sometimes though I feel like he pushes me away, almost like he tries to make me angry or say things to upset me. He followed his "business relationship" by self-disclosing about a woman he's dating. I always thought he was dating someone, but of course hearing about it brings a sting of jealousy as well. The funny thing is it seems impossible for me to be angry with him. I want him to date people and be happy and sleep with hot women. I think "business relationship" hurt more then imaging him with someone else. I don't know if this is transference or just because I love him and he really hasn't done anything bad to me...

[NowhereUSA]

Maybe you could ask?

I know therapy is about analyzation and yet at the same time, they're very human. I mean, I say thoughtless things to my husband (or other people in my life) - whether it be that I didn't communicate an idea very clearly or I just wasn't on the wavelength and it doesn't mean I don't care about them.

One comment that doesn't seem to have much context I don't think says anything about how he feels. I'd need more information to know and I guess that's where I'd encourage you to ask, "So, hey, what did you mean by this?"

I've flat out called my T on things he's said. I tried twice to get his direct extension and he did what felt like a side step. I finally was like, "What the crap dude? Can you just tell me you don't want to give me your extension?" and he just blinked and was like, "What? I give everyone my extension it's ######" and he was like, "I probably just got side tracked by something."

I also have the tendency to misinterpret his expressions as disappointment because of issues in my life where I think all the people are disappointed in me. I've had to learn that "the look" is actually him being concerned :P

[Soccer mom]

Yes, definitely ask him. I've also asked my T. a million times what she meant by something she said, did, etc. Poor thing is probably afraid to move or speak by now! LOL

[IndestructibleGirl]

I'd be hurt by this as well. Any chance it was a clumsy attempt to reframe something in a positive way, though? Like how you are being proactive and investing money and time into yourself, and consulting with somebody who knows their onions (him) and so drawing parallels with you and a successful entrepreneur?

I'm sorry he chose to use those words. They feel shaming. I would think what he said has more to do with him than you, like maybe he needed to remind himself, not you. And to follow up with a dating report? Sounds like he's trying too hard to make a point; again, more for himself. I hope you can get this cleared up.

[lunatic soul]

The truth is that it is their job but it doesnt mean that they dont care. Im sure they care about every client.
Maybe he felt like he act wrong making you believe that there could be something more then just therapy. Did it really happened without any reason? Maybe he hoped he could kill your feelings for him or stop you from acting out on them?

[unaluna]

I think you have to let your t know that you (ie any client not you specifically) are aware that your feelings are NOT personal. I have gotten the impression that you are hoping your t can save you in some way. He probably can HELP save you, but you probably still have to do most of the work. I think he just said this to remind you that he is there to help, but not really play an active role in your life. And maybe to remind himself? Youre right, it is kinda weird. Its probably hard to be in their shoes sometimes.

[SnakeCharmer]

Petra5ed, I'm so sorry his words stung so badly. You've been very open, here, in talking about how much you love your T. Is it possible your adoration became transparent to him and he felt it necessary to smack up some boundaries around things real fast?

Sometimes we think we're doing a good job of hiding our emotions, but our Ts see right through us. Caring is one thing, adoration is another and it's really not healthy.

It would have been better if he'd used the word "professional" rather than "business." But he goofed. Possibly because your adoration was becoming way too apparent.

I don't know if what you feel for him is transference of if you've actually fallen for him in a big way. I'm not so sure that all of these difficult feelings about our Ts can be compartmentalized as transference. Some types of therapy encourage transference, others treat it as a cognitive distortion and try to reframe it or dispute it or get the client to think differently about it.

The fact that his words stung so hard and that you're thinking about taking a break pretty much shows how confused and distorted your feelings about him have become. You mention that this sort of thing, you caring for someone and them not caring back, seems to be a theme in your life.

That's the thing to talk about -- the on-going pattern that hurts you again and again. Maybe it has nothing at all to do with you being some unlovable creature (which is a frequent interpretation) but more to do with you, in your adult life, choosing people to love who are unavailable to you for various reasons, maybe because you're re-enacting fears or themes from your childhood.

That's the reason to not take a break from therapy. This is fresh and right there and your T was obviously aware of the intensity of your feelings for him and he wanted to reframe it and he did it clumsily.

If you just talk about your love for him and the sting of his words, you may not get anywhere. And it's difficult because it's embarrassing. But if you talk about the theme in your life, the pattern, you may figure out some important things and make important progress.

Just because it's a professional relationship (a much better word than business) it doesn't mean he doesn't care. It means he's unavailable to care about you in the intensely personal love way you care about him. He set the boundary. Respect it and talk about the theme.

You may well be damned lovable as a woman and person, but if you are like many damn lovable women still dealing with childhood trauma, it may feel much safer to love only those who can't or won't return it. And even though it safer, it leads to so much heartbreak. So much. You deserve a better life than that old hurtful pattern. You do! We can only get that better life by choosing to face the patterns of behavior that keep hurting us. It's hard. But very worth it.

I wish you the best.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Petra5ed, I'm so sorry his words stung so badly. You've been very open, here, in talking about how much you love your T. Is it possible your adoration became transparent to him and he felt it necessary to smack up some boundaries around things real fast?

Sometimes we think we're doing a good job of hiding our emotions, but our Ts see right through us. Caring is one thing, adoration is another and it's really not healthy.

It would have been better if he'd used the word "professional" rather than "business." But he goofed. Possibly because your adoration was becoming way too apparent.

I don't know if what you feel for him is transference of if you've actually fallen for him in a big way. I'm not so sure that all of these difficult feelings about our Ts can be compartmentalized as transference. Some types of therapy encourage transference, others treat it as a cognitive distortion and try to reframe it or dispute it or get the client to think differently about it.

The fact that his words stung so hard and that you're thinking about taking a break pretty much shows how confused and distorted your feelings about him have become. You mention that this sort of thing, you caring for someone and them not caring back, seems to be a theme in your life.

That's the thing to talk about -- the on-going pattern that hurts you again and again. Maybe it has nothing at all to do with you being some unlovable creature (which is a frequent interpretation) but more to do with you, in your adult life, choosing people to love who are unavailable to you for various reasons, maybe because you're re-enacting fears or themes from your childhood.

That's the reason to not take a break from therapy. This is fresh and right there and your T was obviously aware of the intensity of your feelings for him and he wanted to reframe it and he did it clumsily.

If you just talk about your love for him and the sting of his words, you may not get anywhere. And it's difficult because it's embarrassing. But if you talk about the theme in your life, the pattern, you may figure out some important things and make important progress.

Just because it's a professional relationship (a much better word than business) it doesn't mean he doesn't care. It means he's unavailable to care about you in the intensely personal love way you care about him. He set the boundary. Respect it and talk about the theme.

You may well be damned lovable as a woman and person, but if you are like many damn lovable women still dealing with childhood trauma, it may feel much safer to love only those who can't or won't return it. And even though it safer, it leads to so much heartbreak. So much. You deserve a better life than that old hurtful pattern. You do! We can only get that better life by choosing to face the patterns of behavior that keep hurting us. It's hard. But very worth it.

I wish you the best.

I stopped trying to hide these feelings from him a while ago. He knows how I feel, I don't have any doubts about that. But, I'm also a married woman, and I told him upfront I feel this way but I know we will never be anything. I've actually tried to analyze it with him. So, he knows. I agree it might make him uncomfortable.

I'm sure it's transference, but I don't know that that's not the same as real love. In so far as him reminding me of my parents he doesn't, he is a 180 difference from my father and mother. There is not a single similarity. But... in so far as him being someone I would have wanted as a parent sure. Or even a spouse... Like I said in another post I don't know why I love him so much, I'm sure it's psychological, he's a much older and unavailable man. Maybe it is a good distraction...

Anyways thanks for your post. I think at the core of me is just an extreme hurt that I feel like my own parents didn't love me. I was bullied a bit as a child, and that coupled with my parents just meant I have a low self-esteem sometimes. It's so hard for me to ever feel loved, like almost impossible. Like a voice in my head tells me over and over I need to get out of this life, I don't belong here, no one wants me here. Maybe that's why I love my therapist so much, because of the way he connects with me I felt like he cares about me more than anyone else. So obviously knowing that's not true now is kind of painful. I think at the end of the day I just feel so alone, like I've always felt.

[Lauliza]

This is kind of a strange thing to say randomly and not in response to something. Maybe there was some kind of context that got lost once you heard him say it? I would definitely ask him outright what he meant so you can have a clearer picture of what he meant.

[SabinaS]

Ouch, that is a harsh thing to say and not really true... therapy is so much more than a contract. I agree with the others, who have wondered whether he is acting on his own anxieties about how how feels towards you. Because it sounds like a clumsy defensive thing to say to open a session... then to go on and mention a woman he's dating, bit strange.

Good idea to talk to him about it and ask him what he meant and where it came from, sounds like you have an open, honest relationship... although he's probably not going to admit to intense erotic countertransference.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Petra5ed, I'm so sorry his words stung so badly. You've been very open, here, in talking about how much you love your T. Is it possible your adoration became transparent to him and he felt it necessary to smack up some boundaries around things real fast?

Sometimes we think we're doing a good job of hiding our emotions, but our Ts see right through us. Caring is one thing, adoration is another and it's really not healthy.

It would have been better if he'd used the word "professional" rather than "business." But he goofed. Possibly because your adoration was becoming way too apparent.

I don't know if what you feel for him is transference of if you've actually fallen for him in a big way. I'm not so sure that all of these difficult feelings about our Ts can be compartmentalized as transference. Some types of therapy encourage transference, others treat it as a cognitive distortion and try to reframe it or dispute it or get the client to think differently about it.

The fact that his words stung so hard and that you're thinking about taking a break pretty much shows how confused and distorted your feelings about him have become. You mention that this sort of thing, you caring for someone and them not caring back, seems to be a theme in your life.

That's the thing to talk about -- the on-going pattern that hurts you again and again. Maybe it has nothing at all to do with you being some unlovable creature (which is a frequent interpretation) but more to do with you, in your adult life, choosing people to love who are unavailable to you for various reasons, maybe because you're re-enacting fears or themes from your childhood.

That's the reason to not take a break from therapy. This is fresh and right there and your T was obviously aware of the intensity of your feelings for him and he wanted to reframe it and he did it clumsily.

If you just talk about your love for him and the sting of his words, you may not get anywhere. And it's difficult because it's embarrassing. But if you talk about the theme in your life, the pattern, you may figure out some important things and make important progress.

Just because it's a professional relationship (a much better word than business) it doesn't mean he doesn't care. It means he's unavailable to care about you in the intensely personal love way you care about him. He set the boundary. Respect it and talk about the theme.

You may well be damned lovable as a woman and person, but if you are like many damn lovable women still dealing with childhood trauma, it may feel much safer to love only those who can't or won't return it. And even though it safer, it leads to so much heartbreak. So much. You deserve a better life than that old hurtful pattern. You do! We can only get that better life by choosing to face the patterns of behavior that keep hurting us. It's hard. But very worth it.

I wish you the best.

I think all of what you're saying is true a lot of the time. There are times though, that taking a break might be good. In this case- OP you could think about taking a break not from therapy, but from this therapist.

I don't think he's done anything wrong at all, but I do think you are in a lot of pain because of your feelings for him. As you know I've had similar feelings for my pdoc so I can empathize with you. The difference is that as hard as it might be to have these feelings, it would be much harder if he were my actual therapist. Meeting every 4-6 weeks for 20 minutes to talk life and meds is doable. But I don't know if I could do 50 minute weekly or bi weekly sessions if I'm going to be honest. And I don't believe this is transference. You're attracted to him. You might be repeating a pattern of being attracted to unavailable men, but that's still attraction. It doesn't seem like talking to him about it has made your feelings less intense and I doubt there is much that would. You already know the reason you're probably attracted to him since it's played out in your real life before. You want to see him so I'm not saying you should terminate, but just see another T to talk about this issue. I'm afraid that your therapy is hindered because you just like him so much and that it hurts so much.