Silent then hostile in group therapy tonight

Okay so I said nothing the first hour I was in group therapy. It was mostly a conversation going over some of the history of the other members and I didn't have anything to add.

But then I found that I didn't want to say anything anyway, and I was annoyed when -- toward the very end -- I was asked if there was something I wanted to share. I said I didn't really want to participate. I don't even think I tried to sound nice, I was just hostile. What is wrong with me?!

I think I wanted to participate, but it was the end of the day and my head was all filled with work and I'd forgotten the things I wanted to mention and it was just too annoying. Bad timing. Wish I could create the mood I want to be in.

Of course now it'd be easy to talk. I'd go in and talk about how I was feeling hostile. But by next week I'll be in the wrong mood and the things I want to say right now will be driven out of my head.

Ugh ugh ugh.

I'm just venting -- I've had a couple of sessions where I felt good about my participation. But tonight I was just rude at the end. I don't even know why.



Sidony

Wow, these sessions sound so hard. Could it have been annoying to you that so much time in group was spent discussing these people's history? Like many in the group have known each other for so long, including these people, and it made you feel excluded?

I bet it was only you who thought you sounded rude and hostile; don't be too hard on yourself. I use to get in moods in both individual and group therapy where I couldn't/wouldn't speak and then get tangled up in how I couldn't/wouldn't speak. Sometimes when I get anxious or "stuck" like that I get angry to get myself out of it. Anger is motivating in a sense.

It is hard like sunrise says; hard to know when to jump in, when not to, what to do if you're bored or if the conversation is about subjects that are foreign or scary to you, etc. That's part of what one is supposed to be learning and when one is learning, one is a beginner and can't know it all instantly. It's not just moods; even my T confessed she had trouble with silence and knowing when to talk or not. How much harder must it be for us who have never learned the "rules" well/yet?

Don't you hate that? It's a day later, and you realize that suddenly you're in the mood to talk, and if you had therapy right at this very moment, then of course you could say everything you wanted to say. So then you put the moment, the feelings, and the things you want to say in the back of your mind, reminding yourself that they will be ready next time you're in therapy. But does that ever happen? Of course not. Are you going to talk about this to your T individually? I still think you're so brave for going through group therapy. Especially with your T and his other clients.

I only did group therapy once. It was a special type designed for panic disorder. Everyone dropped out of the group except for me and one person. And I couldn't stand her.

Hello! Well I just got back from individual therapy. That actually went well and I talked about how I'd felt hostile etc. last night in group. Therapy always throws me for a loop. He doesn't ask me why I feel hostile (which is what I expect), but rather, why it's not okay for me to feel hostile. And I'm left going WHAT? Apparently I discount all my own feelings as being inappropriate, invalid, generally bad, etc. He might be right. But we talked about group, and I complained that I didn't know how to participate. But I don't even know if I want help.

And yeah I think I was annoyed by all the history talk. I'm not part of that.

But dang, yeah I could talk right now. But who knows what next Monday will bring. I talked about how I couldn't control what mood I was in, and then he talked about how moods come out of something else, etc. etc. And I did figure out why I was in such a bad mood. Or maybe the connection isn't there I don't know. They're probably related though.

Damn damn damn. Wish I could go to therapy about every 3 days. I'm so in the mood to get back in. Wonder what next Monday will bring though.

I'm trying to look forward to Friday happy hour, but really I'm looking more forward to trying again in therapy. In spite of the hostility etc. And the fact that I think about quitting group about half the time. I won't though. 'Cause I know I want to go back.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just using therapy to distract myself from the real world.

Blah!

Sidony

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But dang, yeah I could talk right now. But who knows what next Monday will bring. I talked about how I couldn't control what mood I was in, and then he talked about how moods come out of something else, etc. etc. And I did figure out why I was in such a bad mood. Or maybe the connection isn't there I don't know. They're probably related though.

Damn damn damn. Wish I could go to therapy about every 3 days. I'm so in the mood to get back in. Wonder what next Monday will bring though.

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Sidony, I try to make really good use of all my therapy sessions. Each minute is precious to me. I am working hard towards a goal and don't want to waste a single session. We cover so much in each of our sessions. My T says my progress has been "meteoric." I think I was just really motivated to deal with stuff and not willing to attend therapy and not move forward. So I think it is possible to be in the "mood" for therapy and share the stuff you had wanted to 3 days before the session. I keep track in my journal of what I want the next session to deal with, so I don't forget. Sometimes it will be the day before the session and I'm still not sure what I want I want to deal with at the session, but it usually comes to me. I just let the most important thing my psyche is dealing with rise to the top, and then go with that. Recently, my T asked me if would be helpful to make a list of what all I had to do before I could accomplish my goal. So I made a list (for myself--I didn't share it with T). It had some nuts and bolts things on it that didn't involve therapy at all, that I could work on with others or just by myself. It also contained a rather long list of stuff I wanted to cover in therapy before accomplishing the goal. So if I ever am at a loss for what to do in therapy, I just return to my master list. That's one reason I now want 2 sessions a week--to get through "the list" more quickly. I think paying my T's high fee out of pocket is another motivator for me to move quickly. Therapy is really a drain on my bank account. Insurance won't pay and T has no sliding scale.