[growlithing]

I met with LCM today. I've been having a super hard time with stuff I don't feel like talking about. We started out with me asking what we talked about last session because I honestly didn't remember. She tried to help me out and remember. We think I blocked it out.

After we had been talking for a while, she said she loves me. She almost never says that and that makes me happy.

At the end of the session, I told her that my room is still clean. Without thinking, I said "mom, my room is still clean"
She smiled and said "I forget you like to call me mom".
Me: "you said it's okay. Is it not okay?"
Her: "it's fine. Just a little weird"
Me: "what do you mean?"
Her: "I'm not your mother and I can't be"
She immediately read the change in my facial expression and said "I'm hurting you by saying this, aren't I"
I said no, but I immediately started crying. I told her that while I was inpatient, she told me that she said she sees me as a daughter. I asked if she lied or if it was still true. She said she did feel that way because she was waking me up in the morning every day and taking care of me. She said it was hard not to see all of her clients like that, but now that we are out of that setting, she sees me as just a client. She did say I'm her favorite client, and sometimes, we bicker like a mother and a daughter and she feels it then, but usually she sees me as just client, but not a daughter anymore. I cried even harder. I started crying about not having a mother and saying I just wanted to live in that fantasy a little longer. She told me that her feelings for me are exactly the same as she described earlier and that I'm upset over the semantics of it all. Which is probably true. She said she loves me and that is still true. She still will take care of me and act as something of a replacement mom or a coach. But I don't know why just hearing her remind me that she isn't my mother makes me feel rejected and abandoned. I was so upset for a few minutes I didn't want to look at her or talk to her. I wanted to be left alone. I felt like my mom denied me and I still feel that way.

[NowhereUSA]

I'm sorry. It sounds like she wasn't very thoughtful in her words in either situation. I don't know that she should have said she thought of you like a daughter. That was only going to set you up. However, after she said it, I don't think she picked the right time to address the situation at all.

I'd be heartbroken too.

[PeeJay]

I'm sort of torn over this because I can see how hurtful it is.

I wonder, are fantasies so bad if they put off really hard-to-deal-with mourning and pain?

Sometimes reality really sucks and I know that our culture seems to put a priority over accepting reality as it is, but then again, fantasies serve their purposes too.

LCM probably ethically can't encourage the fantasy, but I wonder what her position is on discouraging it?

[unaluna]

I think you're "just" grieving. Around the holidays i keep dreaming or having nightmares about my family. Its still a part of us. A phantom missing limb that will always ache.

[HazelGirl]

I think it was very important (although also very painful) for you to hear that. Like Hankster says, it sets grief in motion, which is essential to healing. I think it might propel you further along a course that you need to walk down, although it's incredibly painful.

[A Red Panda]

Just throwing in the fact that I agree completey with Hazelgirl.

I know it's hard to hear that from her because it does put a solid line in reality for you when you would prefer to stay in a fantasy. I think that this is a good opportunity for you to grieve your past, and to move towards having a happy and healthier future with your LC as a coach.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I'm sort of torn over this because I can see how hurtful it is.

I wonder, are fantasies so bad if they put off really hard-to-deal-with mourning and pain?

Sometimes reality really sucks and I know that our culture seems to put a priority over accepting reality as it is, but then again, fantasies serve their purposes too.

LCM probably ethically can't encourage the fantasy, but I wonder what her position is on discouraging it?

She wasn't discouraging it in the past. She just set it straight when I prompted her.

I feel like absolute ****.

[growlithing]

I feel absolutely destroyed. I don't want to see her ever again and at the same time, I never want to be away from her. I want her to hug me and take it all back. Tell me I can be her daughter. I don't want to get out of bed ever again. I don't know why this hurts so much but I just can't escape it. I've been crying on and off all day and I want to call her and tell her I need help and can't function but I don't want to annoy her and I don't even know what she can do besides break me even further

[Petra5ed]

I think your situation is very similar to what I'm going through with my therapist making a comment about us having a business relationship. It hurts because it bursts the bubble on the fantasy we create where our therapists are more, almost like my parents left a gaping hole in me that I am looking for someone to fill and I think oh, the therapist fits nicely there... problem is no one can fix that hole. I don't know how the hole get's fixed, or maybe we just move on and it gets overlooked, I just don't know...

At the end of the day it's not like your therapist has said anything mean or untrue, she cant be your mom, and she cares about you. Really she's doing the best you could ask her to do. The wound is from something else. It just sucks.

[growlithing]

I really really really want to cut and I don't know what to do.

[HazelGirl]

Your coping mechanisms, cutting and drinking, are ways to avoid the pain and the grief of missing what you didn't get. The way to heal is to acknowledge it, not run from it. Let it hurt, take its course and realize you can survive it. And then it slowly over time shrinks.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I really really really want to cut and I don't know what to do.

Can you call her? Maybe a quick conversation will help you. Just remember she does care, she's not going anywhere... sorry you feel like crap. I know exactly what it's like because I was there yesterday... but it will pass.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Can you call her? Maybe a quick conversation will help you. Just remember she does care, she's not going anywhere... sorry you feel like crap. I know exactly what it's like because I was there yesterday... but it will pass.

I texted her saying I need help but I got no response yet. I'm just trying to be strong until she responds. I don't want to risk making her feel guilty for missing a text.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I feel absolutely destroyed. I don't want to see her ever again and at the same time, I never want to be away from her. I want her to hug me and take it all back. Tell me I can be her daughter. I don't want to get out of bed ever again. I don't know why this hurts so much but I just can't escape it. I've been crying on and off all day and I want to call her and tell her I need help and can't function but I don't want to annoy her and I don't even know what she can do besides break me even further

I really am sorry this is soo painful, it is understandable thought hat you feel as you do.

Like others have said, as hard as it is this is good, because it is getting you to look at and feel the pain perhaps of not having your Mum. It gives you the opportunity to finally experience it and grieve as you deserve to.

I would say that your lcm has done THE kindest and most compassionate thing by putting her feelings about your relationship aside to allow you to follow your journey of grieving......for this will be your way through the pain, perhaps?

Could it be that this is an act of 'love' from your lcm, rather than how you are currently seeing it?

Please take care and reach out and allow her to support you further.

(edit: oops hadn't read the above messages, glad you texted)

[JaneTennison1]

Growli, I know seeing another T has been mentioned a million times but I'm glad you see this intern (?) T (sorry I forget but I know there's someone else about). What you are going to do is take off the bandaid of the comfort LCM gave you and really start to look at the wound and heal it. I wish you the best.

[Middlemarcher]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I really really really want to cut and I don't know what to do.

You're clearly feeling sad, hurt, and angry. Perhaps it would help to do something to get out those feelings, so that you don't turn them on yourself. In these moments, I like to write down every awful, irrational thought that comes into my head and then tear the paper into tiny bits.

There are lists on the web of things to do instead of cutting. I have found a few things helpful in those.

[Depletion]

Growli, I think she love you a lot, and that's what matters in the end. But I understand why it hurts. It's not fair that you didn't get a mother, and I wish that the world could give you one. But, what you and LCM have is special, and maybe it can give you some of the things that you never got. You're so lucky to have someone who cares so much. I think that it is ok that you need her.

[growlithing]

She responded to me. Called me and talked. She wanted me to go out and meet new people. It didn't happen but I did calm down. She seemed a little stressed by it because I was talking about cutting and passive sui thoughts (for reasons greater than this) and my thoughts were scattered and I was crying. She listened to me talk about the urges and what I'd be hoping to accomplish with them. She pointed out that all of my reasoning for these behaviors and against the constructive ones she suggested were greatly flawed. She said she cares still regardless of what the relationship is defined as. She said she didn't abandon me but that she did damage the fantasy. The good part of our relationship, according to her, is the stuff that is real. The fact that in this reality she loves me and cares for me. Then she got me playing and talking about pokemon and I calmed down.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by growlithing

She said she didn't abandon me but that she did damage the fantasy. The good part of our relationship, according to her, is the stuff that is real.

Out of everything I've read you say about your LC, this is by far the best thing she could have said and done for you.

[growlithing]

I've been crying off and on about this for days now. I don't even know if I want to see her on Tuesday. I'm just so upset.

[growlithing]

I'm almost mad at her for not being my mother. I feel so lost in the world and mad at myself because literally nothing has changed. She can still be the same mother in my head she was a week ago. Oh god I want a mom. I need her to be mom again.

[A Red Panda]

The thing is, she was never mom to begin with. So she can't be mom "again". She just broke the illusion that she let you have for a while.

And you do have a mom. Just a crap one. You didn't get what you needed and wanted from her, which sucks. But now you're an adult and you have someone in your life who cares and is trying to support you.

The more you try to live in the present instead of the past, the more healthy of a relationship with your LC you can have. You say that nothing has a changed, and that's a lie: you have the beginning of an honest relationship with your LC now which you did not have before.

I'm so sorry This is a struggle I gave up on with T1, and I'm working through the emotional fallout with T2. The pain is immeasurable, so I can really empathize with what you are going through. Have you thought of adding a different T to the mix? Male, or a younger female that could if nothing else listen to you vent about your relationship with LCM? Being able to talk about the pain with a person that's not the source of it can be quite validating.

I agree with previous posters - it sounds like LCM loves you. No, she can't be your mom but I see nothing wrong with fantasizing as long as you realize that it is a fantasy. I often times think of current T in a mothering way, but don't feel pain with 'professional relationship' comments because I've accepted that it is what it is. When the fantasy is real in your mind, anything LCM says that conflicts with this destroys your reality. I too think LCM was doing the caring and correct thing by making sure you understood the difference between fantasy and reality. Letting you call her mom would be encouraging the fantasy. The pain in accepting this is the hard work that's going to heal you in the long run.

Keep in mind - even though LCM can't be your mom, you can still have a loving, caring, nurturing relationship with her. My children mean the world to me, and I can never be anyone else's mom, but my relationships with kids in the organization I volunteer at, other kids in my family, and younger friends are special and important to me in a completely different and very fulfilling way. This is just my opinion but I think the healthy direction with your current relationship with LCM would be slowly moving towards a mentor/mentee relationship or a pseudo-friendship.

Please take care of yourself!!!

[sweepy62]

Sorry you are feeling so crushed , but she did it in your best interest . She , in my oppinion should have been drilling this or setting this boundary a long time ago and kept it firm, reminding you that although she cares for you , it was always going to be client relationship. Never allowed you to call her mom, even if by mistake, ( enabling) in residential it was different. She cares alot for you and finally drew the the line, but , it had become so blurry, that it has left you longing and confused and angry.