I am struggling with this so much lately. Yesterday t said I interrupted our contact before it even happened. We were looking at my interruptions to the contact cycle. She asked if I felt lonely lately and I said yes, she asked me more about the loneliness but I couldn't tell her how lonely I am because I am afraid of these feeling I experience around the loneliness.
She asked what it would be like for me to make full contact with her, to take some risks and we her help to really experience the contact between us. As she said it my heart stepped up a beat and it felt too scary so I blocked her out again. I don't know why I do this, well I do because contact is too scary for me. She is the one person I trust with all my life but I still can't let her in.

[sideblinded]

Hi monalisasmile

The fact that you seem to know exactly where you are with this and the fact that you trust her is a huge step forward. I think it is just timing and more talks will get you there. It really takes time to undue things in our lives that took so many years to create. Keep moving at a snails pace if that is all you can do. Be gentle on yourself.

Originally Posted by sideblinded

Hi monalisasmile

The fact that you seem to know exactly where you are with this and the fact that you trust her is a huge step forward. I think it is just timing and more talks will get you there. It really takes time to undue things in our lives that took so many years to create. Keep moving at a snails pace if that is all you can do. Be gentle on yourself.

Thank you sideblinded, I really needed to hear that
I feel like I am making contact with her and I really want to but sometimes I cant let her because I worry about what will happen. I am not used to being so close to people. She says we can go at my pace, and yesterday I thanked her for not getting mad with me and she looked shocked. She said she felt really sad that I have been treated like that. T wants to look at why I let people treat me so bad, I used to think I didn't have a choice in how I was treated but now I realise I do have a choice. I have a choice to respect myself. T knows how to contain me and my emotions. She understands that if we dig too deep too fast that I won't be able to stop the dam from bursting. I often have dreams about her holding me and reassuring me. They are very comforting but I cant let her get too close.

Monalisa...i so get what you wrote...it made me tear up... I left a good T because I just couldn't let her get too close.

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Monalisa...i so get what you wrote...it made me tear up... I left a good T because I just couldn't let her get too close.

I am sorry you had to go through this too. Sometimes I feel as though my heart yearns for contact but when I get it, I cant accept it so I shut it out. Have you been able to work through this with another T ready?

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I am sorry you had to go through this too. Sometimes I feel as though my heart yearns for contact but when I get it, I cant accept it so I shut it out. Have you been able to work through this with another T ready?

I feel that way with nurturing. I want it but the minute someone is sweet I can feel my guard go up. I don't know why.

[Tongalee]

Hi Mona,

I'm sorry, but I'm struggling with this a lot at the moment too. Could you explain what you mean by contact? I want to fully understand your post because hopefully I could get some direction from it. My therapist one asked me about loneliness and my heart felt as though it had cracked in two :/ sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like you're on the right path.

http://www.irishgestaltcentre.com/in...stalt-therapy/

It basically means being real in your contact, saying what you mean. I am sorry you are struggling too Tonga Lee and soccer mom.
My heart aches to be understood, I feel t does understand me but she wants me to find my own voice and to ask for what I need. I find that so hard. T works very hard but she never complains or gets mad. I just wish that I could tell her that I want to be close to her but I can't.

Originally Posted by Readytostop

No I have not.

I have no doubt that we will work through it eventually

[ThisWayOut]

I really struggle with being genuine in the moment. Recently, I have been able to gain some distance form the emotional experiencing of everything and "report" to T what's going on inside... then we ended...
Hope you can work towards all that.

I have been reading a lot about attachment and if you have a disorganised insecure attachment our tendency is to minimise our experiences and hurt. Sounds like the reporting style you mention thiswayout?

[amayastar]

I totally know the feeling.
I struggle with shutting down and not letting my T in also.
don't give up you can get there.

[lostwonder]

Try it. It is terrifying and will send you for a wild ride. It will screw with your head. It will be worth it.

[stopdog]

It may or may not be worth it. It is not universally worth it for everyone. A good number of people have been hurt by it.
Take the risk if you want, but don't deny it is a risk.

[lostwonder]

Originally Posted by stopdog

It may or may not be worth it. It is not universally worth it for everyone. A good number of people have been hurt by it.
Take the risk if you want, but don't deny it is a risk.

Of course it is a risk. If it wasn't it wouldn't be so hard. I firmly believe that to have had and lost is better then never having at all. All attachment all connection ends in loss. Loss hurts like hell, but I'll take all the loss if it means experiencing being truly heard and seen if only for a brief moment.

[stopdog]

I was speaking specifically about therapists - and I don't think letting them do anything they want to a person is always worth the risk. We are talking about two types of risk it seems. Sometimes it might be better to have had and lost - but again - I don't think it is universal. And I don't think they truly see or hear clients for the most part. Some may.

[lostwonder]

It took me almost six years to even dip my toes in that water. Heck, it took me two to be able to speak in session or look at my T. No, likely not universal, but I don't know that those who truly struggle with it have the ability to jump in recklessly.

[stopdog]

If you found it worth it for you, then great.
I am simply pointing out not everyone will find it worth it.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I agree with SD: it's not always worth the risk.

But if it's what you really want and you're aware of the risks, it can be very beneficial.

I think I do very well with being authentic and genuine. But I do struggle with verbalizing anything to do with my attachment and feelings towards her. For me, it feels so humiliating. In my mind, an adult shouldn't need validation, care, nurturing, and reassurance from another person. I also feel it's inappropriate to love someone who isn't family. Logically, I know that's not the truth, but I still feel that way.

Last week, I finally opened up to my T about my attachment. She already knew because I've emailed her about it and have commented on it indirectly. But this was the first time I out right said it. It was so difficult, but I needed to do it. I felt my attachment was getting in the way of my progress. I found it worth it. We discussed many aspects: what it would look like if I pushed her away, what would it look like if I gave into my "neediness", would she "punish" me or take away things like hugging, how she gets reassurance from her relationships, etc. She also told me that the attachment is not getting in the way of my progress; it is actually my core issue I need to me working on.

But it all takes time. I have discovered that I'm the type of person who jumps into things too quickly. So far it has worked out, so I guess I was ready. But even for me, I have taken stpes along the way. And the course seems to be a natural course; the topics flow and relate, and gradually it gets deeper into the more difficult issues.

Try to be patient with yourself. When you're ready, you'll do it.

[unaluna]

Mark Twain wrote something about how dumb his father was when he, the son, was 20, but was astonished to see how smart the man had become by the time he turned 29. While i can appreciate this concept, i never saw it in my own parents, unfortunately. They seem too worried about what other people think, always. Even over my feelings.

So it took me a while even to comprehend having my t prioritize my feelings over everything else. No right or wrong about it, just ME - whatever i want, he's behind me. For a while, i wanted to marry that, to lock it in place. But now that i've had it for a while, its like too soft a bed. I dont see it as a loss. A chick doesnt see losing her shell as a loss, but as the beginning of a new life, new challenges that she is now strong enough to handle. T as an emotional incubator, a second chance.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I have been reading a lot about attachment and if you have a disorganised insecure attachment our tendency is to minimise our experiences and hurt. Sounds like the reporting style you mention thiswayout?

Hmm. Possibly. I will have to read about it again.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I feel like I am making contact with her and I really want to but sometimes I cant let her because I worry about what will happen. I am not used to being so close to people.

I relate to this very much, and you put it into words so clearly that I realize this is different for me than it used to be.

When you've been hurt and betrayed by other people, it is smart to keep your distance from them, it may be so automatic a defense that you have to work consciously to let your defenses down. Many of us may have an optimal psychological distance (like personal space) so that we automatically move forward or backward as the other person does.

What I've experienced is that the more "in the moment" I am with my T (or other people), the less I worry about whether they are close or too close to me. I guess that may be the definition of being present. But your awareness that this is what you do leads you closer to being able to choose to let someone closer, if that is what you want.

There was a time when I was afraid of taking risks (actually, this is still true, just not all the time) to share myself with my T and others. Over time it has felt to me that as I feel stronger and healthier, that there is less risk to doing so. The biggest risk may be that people do not respond as you wish them too, but my perspective has changed on that as well. I'm not too invested that people respond a particular way, if it's not helpful, I just move on, if it's something I didn't want but can use, I consider it. It does open up your relationships and your world when you choose to do things differently than you always have. The good part about change is that you can always go back to another way of being. You're not committed to it forever, you can try it out and see how it goes.

It seems to me that you're doing very good, insightful work here.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I relate to this very much, and you put it into words so clearly that I realize this is different for me than it used to be.I am glad it is different for you, less painful?

When you've been hurt and betrayed by other people, it is smart to keep your distance from them, it may be so automatic a defense that you have to work consciously to let your defenses down. Many of us may have an optimal psychological distance (like personal space) so that we automatically move forward or backward as the other person does.I always forget this, that its natural when you have been hurt to keep your distance. I dont think t really understands that, or perhaps the dept of the hurt for me. Often when I tell her about my psychopath ex, she will minimize or say why did you let her treat you like that?

What I've experienced is that the more "in the moment" I am with my T (or other people), the less I worry about whether they are close or too close to me. I guess that may be the definition of being present. But your awareness that this is what you do leads you closer to being able to choose to let someone closer, if that is what you want.I really do want it with my t, and I am more present with her than anyone else

There was a time when I was afraid of taking risks (actually, this is still true, just not all the time) to share myself with my T and others. Over time it has felt to me that as I feel stronger and healthier, that there is less risk to doing so. The biggest risk may be that people do not respond as you wish them too, but my perspective has changed on that as well. I'm not too invested that people respond a particular way, if it's not helpful, I just move on, if it's something I didn't want but can use, I consider it. It does open up your relationships and your world when you choose to do things differently than you always have. The good part about change is that you can always go back to another way of being. You're not committed to it forever, you can try it out and see how it goes.

It seems to me that you're doing very good, insightful work here.

Thank you for being so honest Anne, I find it helps to hear of others experience especially when they have come through the worst. It is true that nothing is static and life forever changes. I agree too that we can change our perception of things. I guess what holds me back a lot is a fear or rejection and ridicule. I have bad experiences with previous therapists and been terminated for expressing my true feelings. I understand now of course that this was her issue, she wasn't able to deal with transference and projected her feelings onto me. I know this t will never do that to me, but being a gestalt therapist she doesn't believe in transference, I think they call it projection. I do have lots of feelings for her but I am sure what they are. I am afraid to go too deep as she might not be comfortable with them, I know she will but I guess it is part of our work together.

Originally Posted by stopdog

It may or may not be worth it. It is not universally worth it for everyone. A good number of people have been hurt by it.
Take the risk if you want, but don't deny it is a risk.

I really relate to this because not every t is able to or willing to contain our feelings. They have not dealt with their own issues and can do a great deal of harm to the vulnerable.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I agree with SD: it's not always worth the risk.

But if it's what you really want and you're aware of the risks, it can be very beneficial.

I think I do very well with being authentic and genuine. But I do struggle with verbalizing anything to do with my attachment and feelings towards her. For me, it feels so humiliating. In my mind, an adult shouldn't need validation, care, nurturing, and reassurance from another person. I also feel it's inappropriate to love someone who isn't family. Logically, I know that's not the truth, but I still feel that way.I feel this way too because of my wounds from childhood. I did not get enough care or nurturing. As my t says, if I did I wouldnt be in therapy or feeling the way I am now, which really validated my feelings

Last week, I finally opened up to my T about my attachment. She already knew because I've emailed her about it and have commented on it indirectly. But this was the first time I out right said it. It was so difficult, but I needed to do it. I felt my attachment was getting in the way of my progress. I found it worth it. We discussed many aspects: what it would look like if I pushed her away, what would it look like if I gave into my "neediness", would she "punish" me or take away things like hugging, how she gets reassurance from her relationships, etc. She also told me that the attachment is not getting in the way of my progress; it is actually my core issue I need to me working on.Wow, well done Scarlett. That's amazing, you took a big risk and boy, was it worth it. I bet you feel a relief? This is where I want to get. Your T sounds very skilled in the attachment area.

But it all takes time. I have discovered that I'm the type of person who jumps into things too quickly. So far it has worked out, so I guess I was ready. But even for me, I have taken stpes along the way. And the course seems to be a natural course; the topics flow and relate, and gradually it gets deeper into the more difficult issues.

Try to be patient with yourself. When you're ready, you'll do it.

Thank you for sharing that Scarlett
I gives me hope that some t's are able to hold and contain us. I know my t can but I still cant do it. I feel ashamed for having these feelings and needs. I know t doesn't judge me and had a deep understanding of why I have these needs but it doesn't lessen the shame I feel. I just wish sometimes I had a healthy normal upbringing, with a mother who nurtured me and gave me a secure attachment. I think things would look very different for me today.