[lauren_helene]

Good afternoon everyone, my turn to be mad at me.

I had a session earlier today that did not go well. I was all over the place with what I wanted to discuss and some of it came out wrong as usual. There were also periods of silence on my end too. WTH?

I have another session tomorrow. T asked me last week if I wanted to see him twice a week for a bit. I explained about the anxiety I go through between sessions. It is because I haven't learned to articulate my thoughts in 45 minutes and and I over analyze his intentions with stuff he says or doesn't say. The silence is because I am trying to do on the spot over analyzing the minute he says something that catches my attention and I'm looking for the criticism that isn't there.

Well, he seemed surprise that I will be back tomorrow when I mentioned it. That was the only time that worked for me twice this week based on his availability too.

I'm wondering now if he's changed his mind? He thinks I should do some relaxation techniques for some of my sessions but that means I can't blather on...giggle. I'm feeling rather stupid now...

Maybe he's tired of hearing me blather on? I just can't go in there tomorrow and say once again "so do you not want to hear me talk anymore"..."you said blah, blah, blah..." this insanity on my end needs to stop.

I could cry for an hour right now...

[(JD)]

Please don't second guess yourself. It sounds like to me that because this does happen to you, that is the reason for the second weekly visit? I think it will work What you say isn't as important as to why you say it or don't say what you think you wish to... that's the bigger picture, imo. The anxiety, frustration or whatever that causes this to happen is part of what you will work on in therapy, and that's a good thing for you. TC. Therapy is work, remember.

[Perna]

". . .but that means I can't blather on...giggle. I'm feeling rather stupid now..."

Almeda, if you don't want to blather on, make yourself a "sign" or symbol to remind you to get back to the subject and share it with him? My T commented once that I was like a car on a highway and I'd take early exits and then clover leaf around after awhile and come back on :-) I'd get scared of what I was saying. But it was very helpful, that image; she could mention it and eventually I got so I could see it and stop myself before I exited (probably slowed down though :-)

What your T says is just supposed to help you hear yourself! So don't "switch the subject" by focusing on what he "thinks" instead of what you're doing/saying. Doesn't matter if he doesn't want to hear you blather on; only matters if you do or don't want to blather on :-)

[sunrise]

((((almedafan)))) I'm sorry your session was not a good one.

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I'm wondering now if he's changed his mind?

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He didn't say he had changed his mind so it seems like he is still OK with you doing twice a week. I think a T would tell the client if he thought a lower frequency was appropriate.

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He thinks I should do some relaxation techniques for some of my sessions

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When I am able to fit it into my schedule, I arrive at therapy 30 minutes early and I go for a walk. T's office is in a commercial area on the shore of a lake, and it is quite pleasant to walk around and look at the boats and businesses and water. The walk and fresh air help relax and energize me before our session. Could you do something like this to help relax and then you wouldn't have to give up some of your precious talk time during your session?

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Maybe he's tired of hearing me blather on?

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It is his job to listen to his clients talk. If he wants to talk himself, I am sure he has the skills to interrupt you gracefully and get his words in. You probably don't need to worry so much about T--he can take care of himself during the session. I wouldn't view his suggestion to try relaxation techniques as a message that he doesn't want to hear you talk.

If you are afraid you will get off track in your conversation with T, could you bring a notecard with the main points you want to make? A cheat sheet of sorts? I sometimes do that and I review it right before I go into his office.

Good luck with the session tomorrow!

[lauren_helene]

Thanks everyone! You are all right...

I do this after sessions and it is something I still need to work on...he would definitely tell me if changes were needed for any reason (like the relaxation suggestion).

Have a good night...

I think whatever happens in session is good. It is revealing of something even if it feels 'unproductive'.

Silences are important and therapeutic. It's a sign you have a good T that he doesn't attempt to fill them up with his talking or yours. He lets them happen. Silences lead somewhere. Sometimes I just say "I don't know where to go from here" during a silence, or that I feel uncomfortable or alone during the silences. It's all okay. It's all important.

I ended my last session kind of similarly. I am fairly new with this T, having just had my 4th session with her. At the end I said that I realize I am flitting about, not landing on much but that I seem to need to do that right now. (I think it is my way of getting my story out in bits and pieces, gauging her reaction, building trust, etc. Like so many of us, I am always waiting for judgement, of what I am talking about, my perceptions... me. But the only judging taking place in that room is coming from me.) I think that outside of session some self-analyzing and over-analyzing can be a form of self- judgement or a fear of being judged so we analyze in an attempt to guess about that. ... Anyway, when I said to her about flitting around like a butterfly on a shrub, not landing anywhere long, she was so calming and reassuring about it and just said "It's okay--we'll just see what comes up". . I like how accepting of me she is, even when I am not.

I hate when I want to say something but it comes out wrong and that is not limited to sessions.. it happens all the time...here, IRL.... Or I decide before session on something I want to talk about but when I get to it, I minimize it or otherwise don't get out all the thoughts I'd had about it. I hope I will get better with practice. Each session is practice..

I think your session went better than you think it did, even if it didn't go the way you were hoping it would. Look how much it left you thinking about things; it has stimulated you and that's a good thing. Take whatever good you can and go from there. Be kind to you. You are doing your best at the moment and that is all we can do and all we have.

It is frustrating when you want to get to things in session but don't or can't or not to the level you want to. After a session like that the frustration makes me cry too. I hope you are feeling much better tonight.

[lauren_helene]

Thanks Echoes...I'm feeling better today. I'll see him in a bit and I'm not going to rehash it.

After a year he knows me by now and most likely knows more than I do about myself. I was thinking too maybe my thoughts came out the way they were intended to.

I was feeling bad about some things I had done recently and the way it came out is the way I was feeling so maybe thats the important issue to remember.

I tried to tell him how much he has helped me even though it doesn't seem like it. I want to tell him that I have learned a lot about myself and have gotten answers/solutions to long ago started struggles. That is because of him and no one else.

I feel that he is the only one who truly cares and wants to listen to me. My husband is starting to listen which is great. But there is no one else in my family I can turn to. They are all a bit nuts and toxic for me...(long story).

I don't know what I'll do when therapy ends. It's painful to think about someday 'never seeing him again'...yes I'm a drama queen