Putting off my dream...need support!

(((ScarletPimpernel)))

I wish I knew how to do "support" better. I know all the standard things to say about being nice to yourself, treating yourself, etc... but for something this big, that just feels like trying to put out a forest fire with a tiny spoonful of water. I'm so sorry.

Is there anything specific that you can think of that would help you feel supported? Is it just being heard?

As I said, I can't even imagine how difficult and heart-wrenching it is, especially with a family history of reproductive difficulties, to have to make this decision. It really isn't fair, and I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you!

And, I DO hope you find a way to let your T help with supporting you in this. I wonder if actual face-to-face support would feel better than words on a screen?

Do you still want tips for talking to your T about this? I heard you say that you don't really want to write out a long message and have her read it, because you're trying to work on verbalizing things. Could you ask her for help with that? Like, "T, I'm really struggling with something right now - and I need some support from you, but honestly, it's incredibly difficult for me to figure out how to even talk about it. I'm afraid that... (talk about your fears here, for example, if you're afraid that talking about it will cause a breakdown or cause more suicidal feelings)." If you can mention that it's about the decision to hold off on having a child... that will give her some understanding that you're struggling, and hopefully an opening for her to help you verbalize the pain.

My hope is that by doing this, by having her help you talk about it and get empathy in-person, you'll feel a bit more understood and cared about and grounded, maybe?

Life is so hard. I'm really sorry. And, I really, honestly do think that one day, when the time is right, you will absolutely be an amazing mother. All the work that you're doing now - you are DOING the WORK. Most people DON'T. My mom certainly didn't. And, as a result, she has no depth. She has no ability to tolerate anything negative, and that hurt me and my siblings. You're working on all your stuff, taking ownership of your issues, doing the very hard work of figuring out how to be healthy in an inherently crazy and unhealthy world, and facing all the dark stuff. THAT, in my opinion, is a huge strength and a huge gift to your future children. (Oh geez, I'm actually tearing up a little writing this - because I *wish* my mom had done even HALF of that work on herself!)

I'm sending you gentle, warm thoughts... and hoping you find your way through the sadness soon, and that your fiance sees the wisdom of getting help for his issues, so that he can be the amazing father that your future kids deserve.

Lots of hugs... (((ScarletPimpernel)))

Guilloche:

Thank you again.
I just want to be heard and understood. I just want to feel like my feelings are valid. Nothing is going to take away the pain right now. Just time, processing, and being able to express myself. I think you're right: I need face-to-face support. I really need my T. I need to cry this out with someone. Tuesday can't come soon enough.

I posted this because I'm trying to not self-sabotage. I'm trying not to follow old, yet familiar, unhealthy habits. I have worked and fought so hard to be where I'm at. That's why I cannot give up all hope. My T always tells me to hold on to at least 1% of hope. Some moments I'm able to, then other times it seems like all is lost.

I have actually been talking a lot to my fiance about therapy since posting. He knows how depressed I am about my decision. He asked me last night what he could do to make me feel better. I told him he could get therapy. I explained to him that my T and Pdoc are right, that even people here are extremely concerned, and that if he truly wants to be a good father, he would do this for himself and his child. He agreed. So I wait to see if he actually does it. He knows how important it is to be a healthy stable parent from his own upbringing. I think it's only fair to also be empathetic to his struggles. But for now, I wait.

To the people I've upset:
I do not hold anyone responsible for my feelings or actions. I was just trying to express that the discussion of my fiance was hurting me. But that pain has been there for years. Maybe licketysplit is right: it's a breakdown of a fantasy. But whatever it is, I'm not ready to deal with that portion of my situation atm. But in no way did I mean to offend. Like I stated before, I value everyone's input and I know it's said out of concern. I'm just not ready to face it head on yet. It's too much pain.

OP - I actually thought you were pretty clear from the start with what you were looking for. And it was pretty clear that most were reacting from their own stuff and not what you asked for in terms of support. I don't think reiterating what you wanted was a bad thing to do. I hope you find some peace with it all.

Because as hard as it is now, it will be so much harder when you are trying to protect your child.
My soon to be ex is a good guy too - not a monster, just a man who has been badly hurt by life and is not able to face himself and what was done to him. I care about him deeply. I spent years doing my best to be there for him. I know he can change. I know he has potential. He never did though. Nothing I could ever do will help him. Except maybe walk away and let him be responsible for himself.
I'm sorry SP. I wish there was something more supportive I could say but the truth is people (including CPS and the legal system) have very little sympathy for moms who will not or cannot recognize the reality of an abusive situation.

(((((ScarletPimpernel)))))

Just wanted to say I really appreciate everyone who has provided me emotional support and encouragement. It means a lot to me.

Hugs back at you. Your feelings are absolutely valid, and make total sense. Having children is such a huge thing... such a big part of a woman's identity, and for some people, a big part of your vision of the future! *Anyone* would feel upset at being told that they should really wait and get other issues under control first, and triply so given the family history of difficulty getting pregnant that you've got.

10000000000000% valid!

Hang in there.... just two more "wake-ups" until Tuesday. Sending you some warm thoughts and virtual cocoa...

Just wanted to update. My Pdoc emailed me this morning and told me that there was a miscommunication. The director of county WILL let me see my T and go to DBT. So it looks like I will finally be going to DBT. I'm so excited and so terrified! I have finally come to terms with going, but I'm still terrified of the people. But, it takes me one step closer towards my progress in therapy, as well as, one step closer to my dream.

And my fiance has called his insurance and requested a therapy refferal. They told him to wait till next week to call the Ts, but he has 3 potential Ts.

And tomorrow is Tuesday, so I'll get to see my T!

Thank you again for the support this week. I really needed it.

(((SP)))
That's good news. And it's great that your fiancé is open to change. It sounds like your dream has a fighting chance. Which is really the beat any of us can hope for...

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Yay! I'm glad that you'll be able to keep seeing your T while you're doing the DBT group, and I'm *so* glad to hear that you fiance called to get T-referrals, that's really great news! Good luck with T tomorrow!

Omg! And my OB/GYN just got back to me. She said that whenever I decide I'm ready to just make an appointment. My week went from extremely difficult, to extremely hopeful. I feel much more confident in my decision to wait.

An added note: I have been doing some reflecting, and I want to apologize that I couldn't take some of your advice/opinions at that time when you wrote them. I was just to overwhelmed emotionally. I do understand where the version of support was coming from now, and I apologize for pushing it away/rejecting it. You all were just sharing your experience and knowledge, and while some of doesn't apply to my situation, I should have taken your responses more graciously.

(((((ScarletPimpernel)))))