Putting off my dream...need support!

Nope it wasn't myomectomies. It was 3 hysterectomes. First was partial, second was complete, third...the doctors left some tissue behind from the second and it started growing.

And you sharing that you also had a hysterectomy at 31, scares me even more about timing.

The situation is so complex. It's an emotional topic for myself and the majority of people. I hope you and everyone else understands why I won't address this concern atm. It is a concern, all my doctors are aware of the situation, and I have been completely honest with them. It's just a part of the reason why talking about this is so difficult. Every time I read someone post about their concern on this thread, it breaks my heart. I know it's not meant to hurt me, but it does. I just don't know how to even start talking about this issue. I'm sorry.

One of the things I'm working on in therapy is verbalizing things. Even if I stutter, go blank, cry, etc., she wants me to speak on my own. Yes, if I have to, she would allow me to read. But not from a letter format. It has to be an outline format. My T can tell me to do anything, but I can choose whether or not to listen to her. I typically do listen to her. I think I'm just going to have a go about verbalizing on my own. I did it last week about attachment.

I feel so much angish and despair. I just don't feel like trying anymore. I want my T. I'm crying every night, I'm sleeping most of the day, and my thoughts are really bad. But I don't even think she can bring me comfort now. What can she say or do to make me feel better? I just want my hope back.

I just want to quit. Everyone is right. I shouldn't have a child with my fiance. I shouldn't even be with him. I will never be stable enough anyways. The fact I'm tempted to act out on my thoughts just proves it.

I just wanted this one thing. I've worked my entire life towards this one goal, but I will never be good enough. I don't deserve it. There will always be something more I need to improve on. But I have tried so hard. But I'm still not good enough no matter how much I try.

your fiance sounds nasty, scarlet pimpernel. i would really examine your relationship with him. you sound much kinder and more thoughtful.

truth be told, it is not your t's decision when you get pregnant or not. you can choose to start dbt or not do it. it's your body, your pregnancy. just make sure you are making the right decision.

i just do not feel that a guy who needs therapy and has anger and stress issues is ready to be a father. but you seem to be ready to be a mother.

have you looked into adopting? i know, its a hard decision. you do what you feel is right.

you do deserve a child.

You are only 32.

Please, please do not have a child with an abusive man. That is madness, I'm sorry.

If you want to be a mother, go and do it by yourself with a donor. Please don't tie yourself to an abusive man by having a child with him.

No, he is not.

He is a man who BROKE YOUR ELBOW. He will do it again. Perhaps in front of your child.

A man who has broken your elbow is not going to be a good father. Jesus, I am actually mad at your T and Pdoc for suggesting you can 'put down boundaries' with an abusive partner! Are they having a laugh?! That is so irresponsible, dangerous and victim-blaming. Are they stuck in the last century???

You also don't know that he won't hurt your child.

Children who grow up in abusive homes have brains that develop differently from the constant stress, and are at much higher risk for mental illness. But I guess you know all this.

Every day, 2 women in the UK die at the hands of an abusive male partner. Please remember that sometimes the children are the ones to find their mummy's body. These are the realities of living with an abusive man. I don't know what the statistics are in the USA, but you need to wake up. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than to live in constant uncertainty that he might lash out at you.

My practice is with domestic violence victims in family law, and I work every day with battered women who once thought that they could keep their abusive partner from harming their children, and that he would be a good father to their children. Of course, I don't see the women who are successful at accomplishing this, and I don't deny it can be done.

What I can tell you-- in almost 25 years of doing this work, is that children who grow up in abusive homes suffer more psychological effects than children who are abused directly (look up the research). A man who tears down his children's mother emotionally or makes her afraid of displeasing him or engages in frightening physical attacks of her cannot do this without his children hearing, seeing, or otherwise sensing (including in utero) what is going on. Many times my clients have told me how they believed the children were always asleep, only to find them "playing house" and repeating horrid things that he had said to her as part of it. Even if the children weren't home, they realized that their children observing her injuries or her fear or distress made them fearful, sad, and prone to acting out in school or other places.

My long winded point is that if you're planning on having a child with an abusive man, you also have to plan on having what happens to you affect your child. Profoundly, from conception to as long as you remain in that relationship. They will suffer psychologically from their home life, and it will impact their school performance, their mental health, and likely their physical well-being. And that's assuming that they aren't directly abused themselves, either emotionally, physically, or sexually.

If your abusive partner is controlling-- which the vast majority of abusive partners are-- your child also now becomes a tool to use as a method of control. While you may have developed strategies (perhaps this is what your mental health professionals call "setting boundaries") to limit his range of control, as a mother you will be vulnerable to tactics of control that involve your children. You may be willing to accept more abuse or control with respect to your own freedoms in exchange for safety and peace for your children. Or it may be that he learns that he can really get what he wants by subtle threats against your baby.

I could tell you many sad stories of women who believed that their abusive partner would never harm their child or that if he tried, she could stop him. Believing in these things is just a fantasy. None of us has any power to stop anyone, even a non-abusive parent, from parenting as they want to. If you can't stop abuse against yourself, how exactly would you be able to protect your child against it? If you had this kind of power, you wouldn't be abused at all, ever.

I would want you, like anyone else, to follow your dreams. But when your dream involves having a baby, it's not just about what you want. Being a mother means you put your child first. Always. And you have to be in a place where you can bring them into the world-- a world where they will live for the next 18+ years-- where they can follow their own dreams. Not hobbled by a home where their mental and physical well-being will be compromised from conception.

I agree that you will be a great mother. But all that you do to mother your child with love and wisdom can be completely un-done if the child's father abuses and controls you. I would ask you not to be in denial about this, and consider working towards being financially independent so you can raise a child on your own and fulfill your dream.

You are good enough to accomplish your goal of becoming a mother, but you need to face the reality. Of course it's going to hurt your feelings but you need to move past that hurt. Justifying his behavior is not helping you or your situation. You have the power to direct your own life and deserve to be with a partner that doesn't abuse you. This is the ideal time for you to focus on caring for your own health and achieving your goals because you aren't responsible for other people. You are so young it's a shame to settle for a stressful, demanding relationship. If one of the things you want in a partner is father potential, a person with a violent past and a critical, abusive disposition is not that guy. Nor is this a this the DNA you want in your child.

Also, I am pretty confident that your family, pdoc and T are supportive of your decision to stay with your finance because it is ultimately your choice and they can't tell you what to do. I'm sure they really want what's best for you but know they risk alienating you if they push too hard.

Don't be worried because I disclosed my early hysterectomy. My issue was a hereditary condition and much more severe than the norm.

Take deep breaths first of all and think what is best for you and your husband right now. You could always adopt if u wish, I know a couple of my friends that are adoptive parents and they are very happy with the kids. Ultimately the most important part is when the baby is out and u nurture the child. Anyways best of luck. I'm sure everything will go good. Hugggsssss

(((ScarletPimpernel)))

I'm so sorry that you're hurting, and I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you're going through. You ARE GOOD ENOUGH. You are ABSOLUTELY 100% GOOD ENOUGH to have a child - please please don't believe that you're not. You're smart, and empathic, and wonderful... you'd be a GREAT mom.

I'm sorry that you're in a position where having a child might not be the best thing for you, for your fiance, or for the baby. I really hope you can talk more to your T about this and let her support you through it (and let her understand what a huge deal it is for you!), and maybe start working on specifically... what concrete things would your T and pdoc want to see in place before you get pregnant. Sorry if I missed it, but does your fiance want a baby too? Does he want it enough that he might be willing to see a T, or do the anger classes, or do couples therapy, or something to work on his own issues?

And one other thing... I want to validate and agree with your perception that it's not fair that to get the treatments you need to get pregnant you need the sign off of your mental health team. You're right, it's not fair... there are lots of women far less ready and qualified than you are who go get pregnant without thinking about whether they're ready, whether the fathers are ready, and whether they're prepared to support a child. Lots... I've got a friend who works in the court system that terminates parental rights for bad parents - there are really TOO many bad parents out there.

It is not fair and... unfortunately it sounds like (if I'm reading this right), that's the reality of the situation? (((ScarletPimpernel)))

I wish I had something more helpful to say... other than I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all this.

I was reading threw all this and the one thing that " Trigger " me was your fiancé abuses you ?
You said he doesn't want to get help , right ?

You are dealing with a loaded gun
What happens if your fiancé doesn't get enough sleep and the baby is crying nonstop what do you think will happen .
You said he has anger and stress issues .
He will snap !

I don't understand why put you and a baby right in danger ?

Thank you Guilloche.

My fiance does want a child. He's okay with adoption too if that's the route we need to go. I told him today that I really want a baby and if he really wants one too he needs to go to therapy. He doesn't need long term. He needs to learn coping skills to learn how to deal with stress (which is the cause of his anger). He also needs to learn to communicate appropriately with me when he is stress out so I can support him. He's currently practicing listening to me when I express my needs (i.e. when I need my space or when I need him to listen and not try to solve things.) He is trying. My T and Pdoc just want to see more effort. They want him to seek professional help because people normally don't change in this area w/o outside help.

I want my T and Pdoc's honest advice, and I want their full support. I'm not mad at them for giving it to me. I didn't have to listen to them. I could have ignored it and still received meds from the OB/GYN. I choose to listen to their advice. I just wish they would have given me this advice this past year. They knew the deal I had in place.

All I want from my doctors and even people here is support and understanding that while I've made the right decision, it didn't come easy and it's extremely painful. So I thank you Guilloche for your support. I really need as much of it as I can get right now.

I'm not looking for people to make me feel guilty about my relationship. I am trying my best to do the right thing, but "right" is hard thing to define and sometimes choose. O already made my choice for now. I'm just looking for support during this time to keep my hopes up. I do not wish to be criticized.

CLARIFICATION:

To the people who don't understand the time limit:

1. My mom had issues getting pregnant with me (5 years)
2. My mom had 3 hysterectomes at age 32
3. My little sister had an ovary removed at age 24
4. Infertility rums in my family
5. I have a tumor on my pituitary
6. I have a nonfunctional cyst on my ovary
7. I have been trying to get pregnant naturally for 9 years
8. My hormones are severely messed up
9. My fiance's grandma is 92 years old. She might not live to meet her great grandchild.

About DBT: I might not be able to go due to the county not allowing me to see my T at the same time. That is being worked out by my T, Pdoc, and the director of county.

To everyone who is concerned about my fiance:

1. Everyone in my life (including his family) know everything about the abuse. It's not a secret.
2. If my treatment team is 100% honest with me and will NOT hold back their opinion just to spare me hurt feelings. And they DO support my decision to get pregnant with my fiance. BUT, they really want my fiance in therapy so that he gets the support he needs, as well as, learning coping skills to express his feelings appropriately.
3. I am completely honest with my fiance, even to the point that I have relayed all the concerns people have posted here.

***TRIGGER WARNING***
While these thing are not excusable by any means in any situation, I feel the need to define the abuse:

* Breaking my elbow: it was a stressful day for my fiance, and I was in a depressive episode. I went out to lunch with my family which upset him. He came home (my family was there), and he started yelling at me. It was too much for me, so I decided to leave. I went to the kitchen to get my dog's meds and he followed me. He kept apologizing and was begging me not to leave. He put his arms around me so I couldn't move which I started struggling to get free. My mom pulled him off me, we went outside to her car and called the police. My arm started hurting so the police told me to go to the hospital to get it checked out. Everyone thought it was a bone bruise (even thw doctors) especially since he wasn't trying to physically hurt me. It turned out that he broke my elbow. I wound up going to the crisis house to have time to think about my options. He choose (wasn't forced) to go to anger management. I decided to go back home. He would have stayed in therapy, but the guy was horrible.

* Controlling: My fiance used to try to control every aspect of my life. It was so bad that I lost all my friends and supports. He refused to take me to the dentist, doctors, even the emergency room. He didn't want my to see a T or Pdoc, or be on psych meds. That has all changed. He is supportive of me on meds, and he encourages me to see my T. He doesn't like my Pdoc, but he puts up with her. He now allows me to leave the house with out him and socialize on my own. He has even been teaching me to drive again and is planning on getting me my own car early next year.

* Lying: He has never lied to me about anything major. But lying is still lying. He has improved a lot in this area, but not 100%.

* Verbal abuse: This is where our issues still lie. When I get upset, he gets upset. Instead of respecting me by either giving me my space or by listening to me, he takes it personally. He likes to make the fight go in circles. I get to the point of asking him to leave me alone, and he doesn't. So I wind up having to lock him out of the bedroom. He still yells at me for about another 30mins and then finally leaves me alone. After another 30mins of quiet, we're both fine and talk it out. He just needs to learn to give my space.

If you have a pituitary tumour is it under control with medication? Once you get that under control you can reduce your levels of prolactin which can boost fertility without the need of clomid. That's an aside though as I think you are choosing the right path.

If he yells at you, how will he feel at 2am when the baby has been screaming for 2 hours? If he is highly reactive don't doubt that anything could happen.

You are making the right choice.

I do agree. Which is why I agree he needs therapy. I will not have my child witness anger outbursts. I have BPD. My child will be genetically predisposed to it. I don't want my child to suffer from BPD, so I have to do my utmost best to avoid traumas...especially major trauma. And fetuses can experience trauma too, so I have to keep my stress low while pregnant. That will already be a challenge with my own anxiety.

My pituitary tumor isn't being treated. In fact, none of my hormones are being treated. I just finally saw a endocrinologist and she's doing hormonal tests. My previous primary wouldn't help me because she didn't want me to be pregnant due to my mental health. I got rid of her. It's one thing to advise and suggest, it's another thing to make decisions for me.

And about a baby crying at 2am for 2 hours...we've actually been through that this year. Our neighbor had a baby. Our walls are thin. We survived. My fiance doesn't sleep in the same room as me (hos snoring is horrid). So the crying won't be too loud for him. He isn't highly reactive. He just doesn't know how to handle stress. Yes, a baby will definitely add stress, so he needsnto learn how to deal with it in a healthy manner.

No one here is judging you, I know I'm not, we can't know unless we are in your shoes. We can only speculate based on our own lives and situations. If he truly wants to be a parent, he will go to counseling. And I respectfully don't agree he won't need "much." It takes a long time to break a habit. And becoming a parent, with the crying, the care, and the added financial strain, can take a toll. For the first 5 months of my son's life, my husband and I (not abusive in any way) were at each other's throats due to lack of sleep and major surgery for me. And just to share....one of my dearest friends is in a marriage where her husband treats their sons well, and is involved in their lives. he treats HER like crap, and in front of them. Nothing physical, all verbal. But her sons, ages 8 and 12, are starting to talk to her just like he does, because that's all they know. What really hurts is knowing they are learning this trait, therefore may treat their wives the same way their dad treats theirs. It's not our business.... but we have a choice, to an extent, in setting up a good life for our children. The hints are there for you loud and clear.

I asked for support because of how difficult it was to decided to delay getting pregnant. I asked for advice on how to tell my T how much I am struggling.

How is it helpful to be told over and over again that I should not get pregnant with my fiance? All it is doing is making me feel more hopeless.

I mentioned the situation with my fiance because I was trying to express the complexity of the situation. I did not ask for advice concerning my relationship or steps I need to take to ensure a better life for a child. But I tried to gracefully accept everyone's opinion because I do understand how my relationship with my fiance raises concerns.

So I'm trying to say this in a clear, sincere way: the more I am told what a horrible monster my fiance is, how he will never change, asking if I want his DNA in my child, stating all the experiences or research or facts...the more I feel like killing myself. So I respectfully ask for emotional support during this difficult time.

It sounds like a horribly difficult time for you. It truly is not fair. I have no advice or wise words, and no insightful stories to tell, but wanted to say that I am thinking of you.

We're just trying to help you see what your heart won't let you see right now.

I really feel for you....I've been in that desperate situation myself....I understand.

If all I'm doing is hurting you, I will refrain from any further input. We care. That's why we're trying to share what your heart doesn't want you to know.

I know. I don't think anyone is intentionally trying to be mean to me. I know everyone means well. And I do understand the concern. But it is hurting me. I don't mean to be mean or rude to you or anyone. I hear everyone's concern, and I'm not dismissing it. Just right now, I'm in so much emotional pain and I'm desperately trying to get myself to a safe state.

I hope that makes sense. I do value your input. I'm just not able to cope with the details atm.

Also, I'm not saying you or anyone else are wrong to be concerned or to raise concern. Again, I'm just not in a place where I can cope with it right now.

(((((ScarletPimpernel)))))

When you've been through similar situations it's hard not to try to share how the situation is not as hopeless as you think. I understand how hard it is to see things from another perspective and do apologize if anything I wrote was insensitive or judgmental. Just know that everything that Ive seen on this thread seems to express how responsible you are and how well you seem to be doing. I can see how you may feel awful since these are major life decisions and change is hard- really hard. You are not alone in your feelings.

Could the pain and sui feelings be coming from the breakdown of a fantasy and emergence of what you know is the truth? If people here are echoing things you already know inside, and don't want to accept, then that would feel undermining even though from what I've read, everyone here is pulling for you.

Here are the things worth cheering about:

Putting the well being of a child above all else. (BIG congrats on that.)
Being honest about your situation. (That takes GUTS.)
Being open to feedback from your professional support as well as here on PC.
Asking for what you need.

Lean on that and ignore the despairing side of you that says it's all pointless if you don't have a baby right now. You have a lot going for you. Including a ton of support right here on PC.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, I have always thought that sharing my experiences-- most of them very hard won-- which I tried to do here, in a respectful and straightforward way, is offering support to someone. I did not anticipate that providing facts to someone would be hurtful, and I am sorry that it was. But I want to be clear that my apology does not include being responsible for your wanting to kill yourself, and I don't think it's fair for you to foist your emotional reactions off on other people. That is your issue. However, you can be assured that I will not respond to any of your posts again.